Partner's mum keeps buying things for the baby on her terms

[Aimeelou28]

Hey
My boyfriend's mum is really excited about becoming a grandma for the first time when our baby is born next February, and don't get me wrong, it is nice that the baby is so wanted by the family, but although she is a very caring person she is also a very controlling, 'taking charge' sort of person.

When we first announced the pregnancy, it took me weeks of negotiation to convince her that we really weren't going to want to put the baby in some ancient yellowing cotton nightdresses she had been saving in the attic; when I finally won the battle on that, the next thing she'd gone crazy at a car boot sale buying tonnes of massive toys that will no way fit in the current flat we are in (we are not moving to a bigger place till the baby is about 6 months old) and a Winnie the Pooh baby bath (I hate Winnie the Pooh). Her back bedroom looks like Toys r us!

She then rejoined Costco so she can go and get us a load of 'baby oil' etc in bulk- I don't even want to use baby oil- and although I am grateful, and said I was grateful, that she's helping out, I tactfully said it would be best for her to wait until we've drawn up a list of what we need before buying anything else, as I didn't want her to waste her money if she ends up getting something we've already bought ourselves...

That was a couple of weeks ago, then we went round last night and she announced she has bought a bright pink travel cot off her friend (we don't even know if the baby is a boy or girl yet) and a changing mat from a car boot sale (I already have a changing mat)! I just said thank you, and then I said I've finished drawing up the Christmas list for the baby if they want it, because we don't want anything for ourselves this year. (On this list I have put the exact brands I want for the rocker, play gym etc). And she said 'What makes you think you're getting any Christmas presents this year? Hahaha' and changed the subject. We have also previously suggested they could get the car seat we had chosen if they wanted to help out, and she acted really indifferent, like she didn't really want to. She'd rather end up spending a fortune on all this crap we don't need, that she's picked!! But it's my first baby, I'm in charge, and I want to call the shots on what the baby has. I don't mind when it comes to toys, but I'm scared she's going to end up getting more and more of the bigger things here there and everywhere without consulting me.

I don't really know what's the best way to handle it! My boyfriend might understand where I'm coming from, but at the same time he can be a bit of a mummy's boy and he won't have a word said against her, so I have to tread really carefully. Any suggestions gratefully received!

I have had this experience twice. With two different MILs It does seem to be very common behaviour for grandmothers.

I think they do it unthinkingly, in an attempt to feel part of something that is actually very intimate and private between two people (the pregnant couple). I think deep down they know the process is not really about them (grandparents "become", once the baby is born, parents "become" as soon as the child is conceived), but they desperately want it to be.

Having a baby is primarily about two adults becoming parents. Its a rite of passage. Of course the birth of a baby also creates grandparents, but to me that is a secondary thing. Being a grandparent, to my mind, is a great priviledge. Something we all look forward to for our later lives. As a lucky bonus.

When the time comes for me to become a grandmother - if I am ever lucky and priviledged enough to do so, I hope I will be like my mum: very interested and emotionally engaged throughout the pregnancy, supportive, an open ear, a shoulder to cry on, and generous without strings attached. My parents have been lovely enough to recognise that they had their time as "becoming" parents (4 times!) and that the role of the "expectant" grandparent is to take a back seat and support.

Having had the opposite, a MIL who couldn't have been more disinterested (only thing she bought DS was a bible despite knowing we aren't religious, couldn't be bothered coming round to see the scan pictures, didn't want to come and see DS when he was born "can't you bring him here" etc etc) I can only wish I'd had a mother in law who was bothered, so I'm actually a bit that she's at least interested even if she is going a bit OTT about it :)

Rockchic,

I know where your coming from, mine is interested but in four and half years of regular three/four times monthly visits with illness as well - she has never got any toys at her house for DD - never taken her anywhere - except cost co and local play park - ( loads and loads of cheap stuff to do right on thier door step and they are very well off), other friends mums or MILS seem to have thier own stash of toys at thier houses - take the DG out to interesting places ( not all the time, but even coffee shops etc or basic places to eat)...

She is somewhere in the middle ......hopefuly your own mother is interested to balance it out>?!

My DM was never over bearing to her DIL at all - and never ever stuck her oar in or bossed DIL about in anyway - ....mind you DIL was extremly fesity and wouldnt have let her....my mum said you feel natutally jealous when your son has child/gets married but thats life - you dont let it take over nad you certainly dont put DIl down.

I think some of you are being a bit mean to the OP. If I've understood correctly, she's drawn up a Christmas list so that the MIL can buy things for the baby instead of getting OP and her DP a Christmas present this year - which I don't think is grabby. And I guess that she's done it now so that, if MIL wants to spend her money, she can push her gently towards the things that she actually wants and thinks would be useful.

I can see that talking about 'brands' comes across as being a bit snobby or grabby, but when I was expecting my first, I did a lot of research into things like prams and car seats and knew exactly which ones I wanted. I would have been quite if my PILs (who kindly bought the pram for us) had then gone and bought something completely different because THEY preferred it. I think that's crossing the line between being generous and being controlling. And if the pram had turned out to be completely unsuitable (couldn't get it in the car, etc.) then we would have had to buy our own anyway, and their money would have been wasted.

Agree with those who say that you should look pleased with every 'gift' and say how useful it will be to have something at MILs house when you all come to stay.

When I was expecting my first, I did a lot of research into things like prams and car seats and knew exactly which ones I wanted. I would have been quite if my PILs (who kindly bought the pram for us) had then gone and bought something completely different because THEY preferred it. I think that's crossing the line between being generous and being controlling

This. This is what happened to me. My MIL lived in the US at the time I was pregnant with DS1, and had it in her head that she knew what the best pram was. She had no other grandkids, or friends with grandkids, but yeah she knew what the best pram was.

She simply phoned up one day and said: "I'm getting the pram. It's the best you can buy. I'll bring it over when we move back to the UK".

To which we replied: "Wow, that's amazingly generous. We've actually decided not to get a pram just yet, until he's about 6 months old. We're going to use slings."

To which she replied: "Nonsense. You'll need a pram. This one is the Rolls Royce of prams. It's got nice big wheels. You can jog with it"

"Please mum" said ex-P, "We're ever so grateful, but we don't need The Rolls Royce of prams. We don't need a pram at all yet. Why don't we all go on a shopping trip in a few months time and see which one suits us and the baby, then?"

We lived in a tiny 1 bed flat at the time, and she knew that. But she bought the thing anyway. She spent $$$ on it, and even more $$$ on having it shipped over here.

We only discovered she'd gone ahead and bought it when she unveiled it once she'd moved back to the UK. "You'd better use it. It cost an absolute FORTUNE"

We never used it...

YANBU at all. We have the same problem. I have no problem with other people buying things for my children but I find it so frustrating that £400-£500 a year is spent on crap that we can't/won't use when it could be used to give DCs fantastic experiences/toys etc. Admittedly I am a planner and always research/think through purchases to the nth degree but
ILs (and my family to a lesser degree) never think about it at all.

As an example, last Christmas ILs asked for ideas for xmas (ASKED!!!!!!) so I very unselfishly told them DS would love some trains (unselfish because it was the best gift I could give him and I would have loved to have given him that myself), ideally Brio but gave them a page of links which ranged from £10 upwards for ideas. I told DS that if he was a very good boy Santa might bring him a train. ILs said ok.

They bloody gave DS amongst other things a garage which cost about £75 when he already had a much more sensible (smaller, better built, safer) AND NO SMEGGING TRAIN!!! Luckily I had bought one for his birthday so quickly wrapped it up and DS was too little to notice but... Grrrrr.

It's the waste that gets to me, what a waste of time, energy and money. I would be delighted if they gave him a couple of little toy cars and took him out to the park, and so would he. But it has to be about piles of crap.

I am so lucky with my parents and PIL as they both asked for an Amazon wish list for my daughter's birthdays and christmas so they know exactly what we want.

However, my PIL just would not listen to us before DD was born. She was due in march and because we had had 10 years ttc and miscarriages, I really didnt want anything baby related in the house until the last minute. We told our parents who knew all about our ttc that and they said that they understood and agreed.

Christmas morning, 6 months pg and I unwrapped my presents from the in-laws to find pack after pack of new baby clothes. DH had to hide them in the loft.