1 week to due date - Mother in Law insisting on visiting

[helsybells]

I'm just a bit flummoxed as to what to do about this.

My husband thoughtfully (ahem) invited my mother in law (and some friend of hers I've never met) to visit us this weekend a week before baby due date. Admittedly she is not staying with us as our only spare room is now a nursery for baby so is staying in a local B&B.

I've been very up and down over the past few weeks both emotionally and physically with the strain of not sleeping and generally feeling immobile and the usual fed-upness that seems to come with late stages of pregnancy. I feel fine one minute and the next exhausted and teary the next and my blood pressure was up which has never happened before at my m/w appointment last week. I am also very aware that baby could arrive literally at any minute at this stage and I just generally want to be left alone in my own space. So about a week ago I asked hubby if he could cancel the visit, especially as I find his mum pretty hard work at times, she frequently picks and me and puts me down and sort of tries to discredit me in front of people a lot which I find really stressful at the best of times.

Hubby explained that I haven't been too well and would they mind cancelling. She wasn't happy about it but sort of accepted it. I sent her a really nice text to say I was really sorry but not very well and she must come and visit soon after baby was born to which I got no reply. Later that day my husband informed me they had called back and told him they'd decided to come anyway...

What can you do? It's a free country?? So they arrived late last night and so didn't come around and are planning to visit this afternoon. I am just really put out that I am so close to having this baby which is scary when it's your first and as I said I just want to be left alone but that doesn't seem to matter to them. Hubby is already causing trouble because he wants them to come round for lunch and I would rather they just came by for a cup of tea in the afternoon so I don't have to worry about running around after them too much and clearing up afterwards etc.

I guess the reason for this post is that I'm just more put out about the thoughtlessness than anything and want to get it off my chest but in all honesty I'd really like to make known my disoleasure at their decision to disregard my request not to come at this stage... I'm probably being unreasonable. I think they possibly want us to go out for dinner with them tonight as well which I don't think I can manage as I'll be too tired so I suppose hubby will go and I'll be left in on my own. Which is fine, hopefully they will go somewhere with mobile reception (fairly rare around here) in case anything happens.

I personally would rather she visited before the baby arrives than soon after.

You are in an advantageous position at the moment though, as you can say you do not feel well and go back to bed at the drop of a hat as you are so near to delivery. You can mention the raised BP and being safer for baby etc.

They are all being inconsiderate arses, there is no doubt of that. Your DH should be supporting you, but his mum sounds like she will do what she wants regardless.

Let him cook lunch.
Let him entertain.
Let him go out tonight, but make sure you know where they are so you can contact him, and make sure you have a back up plan.
It is your first I assume, so unlikely to be early.

Hopefully it will soon be over and you don't need to see them for a long time. At least they are staying elsewhere.

Make sure DH knows you are pissed off!

You're right, it shows a huge insensitivity, but as they're not staying with you it does limit your options.
I think, what I'd do is suggest you all go out for lunch. Nice pub lunch where you get served quickly, can be smiley and sociable for an hour and a half, and then go home. I prefer to have my uncomfortable meals outside the house, and it means no clearing up! Your DH can then take his dm somewhere for the day. As for dinner, I'd suggest you send your DH on his own, with strict instructions to stay sober. You can have a nice, relaxed evening in to yourself and an early night.
Any further activities, send yur DH. You've already explained you're not well and they decided to come anyway.
They are here. Relationship with MIL will always be there and with minimal effort you can continue to hold the moral high ground!
At least it may delay the post baby visiting?
Good luck

If they have already booked the hotel, then they would probably loose money by cancelling. I read your post and it reminded me of my first pregnancy as we all behave as if the world revolves around us because we are pregnant! If you have more children then you will do all this whilst looking after a highly active toddler. You will look back and laugh at yourself. Make the most of being able to go out to dinner.

Thanks ValiumQueen - it's just nice to hear someone say it's ok for me to be p'd off as I just get made to feel like I'm being selfish!!

I know what you mean about visiting before rather than after, that was my preference too until I started to feel like this. Trouble is I think I burnt my bridges there with my "nice text" about "do come soon after baby arrives etc which will be much more worthwhile"... so annoyed I sent that now as frankly I wouldn't have bothered trying to be nice if I knew they were just going to treat my request at this stage as a secondary concern to their jolly up north!! I really wish i could just disappear off to my mum's or something while they're here. Trying to be nice and chatty to MIL and a stranger too under these circumstances is just such hard work on top of feeling fed up, heavy, achy, emotional, tired etc etc.

It s your DH who came up with this plan.

Direct any ire at him, and let him deal with them when they're nearby. Though you might find that it's not so bad to see them now. Keep your options open and play it by ear.

Oh and don't worry about mobile reception. Whichever restaurant they go to will have phone. Would quite like to see the look on my DHs face if he got one of those messages!!

Thanks Marmite, your point about the moral high ground is a good one and makes me feel a bit better. Trouble is it would totally be lost on them I fear. Less sense less feeling...

mnistoo.. you make a very good point too. There is a part of me that totally thinks I am being selfish and should just get over it, worse things happen at sea etc. I have spent quite a lot of time lately pondering how on earth I would cope with hyperemesis again with a toddler running around too, should we decide to have more, but people do! Though I just feel rotten in myself and feel really fed up that I never get any exceptions made for me even in this state! Everything always seems to revolve around everybody else and I'm always the one where people say "oh H will be fine just carry on and walk all over her"...

i agree with Valium if it were me i'd be making damn sure that DH sorts everything out, there's no way you should lift a finger as he did the inviting and you made it clear you weren't feeling up to it. i'd definately send him out to dinner while i curled up on the sofa with my fav dvd, some hot chocolate and some cake and make the most of having the house to myself (DH would provide all these things while he's out buying the ingredients for the kick ass lunch that he would be making).

i hope today isn't too arduous for you xx

Go by how you feel.

If you don't feel up to entertaining your MIL & friend when they arrive then dont, go to bed have a long soak in the bath but most certainly let your husband run around after his mother.

Don't feel obliged to dance attendance to anyone.

You are also right about them losing their deposit mnistoo... they would have lost £40 so we offered to pay for it or suggested they rebook for after baby came. We know the pub in question and I doubt they would have taken the deposit money if they were rebooking for later they're decent honest folk!

Also it wasn't totally DH who concocted the plan it was actually MIL and of course he said oh yes absolutely fine go for it.

Of course you are right about the reception/telephone etc Marmite... I'm probably just being melodramatic there, but I would secretly love it too if the waitress had to go up to them having dinner and tell him what was going on. I think I might do some of that trampolining that somebody suggested to get things going while they're out tonight.... ;)

I find it really hard to sit around not doing anything when I have visitors but I will try...

I think I will definitely stay in rather than go out for dinner firstly because I just get so uncomfortable in the evenings I can't really sit upright for long enough to go out for dinner but also because last time she came to stay we went out for supper and we ended up having to pay for her too (which we totally couldn't afford) and we can do without the expense even less this time - though hopefully if she has a friend there too it wouldn't happen this time..

I'm a week away from my due date too, so you really have my sympathies.

We have a looming visit from dp's hard work relatives after the baby is born. I have been clear to dp that I will be taking myself off to bed when I feel it's necessary for me to get some rest.

Your MIL sounds like one of the 'unstoppable force meets immovable object' types (I have one too - it's great fun ).

At least your DH made the effort to try and stop them coming and explain the situation, and thankfully they are not staying with you.

I think for me it would hinge on how the weekend goes. They all know you are not at your best, so do whatever you feel you need to do to be happy, rested and comfortable - if they accept that, then maybe cut them some slack. If they are difficult about you being tired and unable to join in/entertain them, then they need a bloody great wake-up call and pronto.

I would go with meeting them for lunch or a coffee outside your home - this way you control the end time of the visit.

Gosh. I think when someone is heavily pregnant, they should be selfish and the world should revolve around them a bit.

I would be seriously hacked off if anyone I asked not to visit me hair ignored me and visited anyway. That's just rude and intrusive.

Wonder what your mil will be like when your baby is here, op? Do you think she will respect your preferences as the child's parents or just ride roughshod over those too?

Does she have the hide of a rhino?

Visit me hair? iPhone gone crackers.

I have a 12 week old ds and remember what that last week was like. I felt utterly miserable all I wanted to do was hibinate and not see anyone including my own parents. My sister was due 3 weeks after me and she felt and did the same in the last few days of her pregnancy. Could you just meet them at a local garden centre or something for a coffee? Make it clear you will only be staying an hour or so. However if you can manage it you can always walk around a bit-walking is the only thing that can hurry up labour so I walked as much as possible at the end!
My mil drives me mad and always likes to come to ours 10am -4pm does not like to change from this. When ds was born there was no way this was going to ha

I am due my third in 6 weeks, and I think if you feel rotten and unsociable, that will apply if it is your first or tenth baby and is equally valid. Enjoy the fact that you do not have a toddler to run after, and do not be made to feel like a PFB mum before it arrives. You have more of a chance to get a break now, as with subsequent pregnancies you will have other children that need you, and you cannot say no to. You can say no to other adults who you have already said no to! Having a first baby is a stressful enough time as it is. You are not feeling selfish.

I had my MIL visit a week after I had a section, and she stayed for 2 weeks. Never again. She wanted to visit this week, but DH, who is well trained told her no, and did not even tell me until the whining phone calls started. She does nothing to help, turfs a kid out of a bed, cannot share with them as they snore and stays up really late, sleeps in, and complains that the kids make a noise at 6am. It is their home! If it were my grand kids I would want to be up to see them!

If anyone is being selfish, it is her. But she is still grandma to be.

I have a 12 week old ds and remember what that last week was like. I felt utterly miserable all I wanted to do was hibinate and not see anyone including my own parents. My sister was due 3 weeks after me and she felt and did the same in the last few days of her pregnancy. Could you just meet them at a local garden centre or something for a coffee? Make it clear you will only be staying an hour or so. However if you can manage it you can always walk around a bit-walking is the only thing that can hurry up labour so I walked as much as possible at the end!
My mil drives me mad and always likes to come to ours 10am -4pm does not like to change from this. When ds was born there was no way this was going to happen so dh said you can arrive on this train and leave on this train when she made no attempt to leave for suggested train dh just said Florin ds looks tired why don't you and him go upstairs and have a nap. I took ds upstairs and that soon got rid of her. You have to be firm!
Anyway my sympathies the last week or so is miserable however I felt a lot better once my ds was born. We were having pub lunches out when he was 3 days old (although didn't admit this to relatives so we could keep saying we are to knacked for visitors. It was lovely just going out the three of us.

OMG how awful! You have my full sympathy. Shortly after DD1's birth we had a massive argument (to this date our only one) with DH's parents. They were over all the time invading our space, being thoughtless and really pushy. MIL's are a nightmare. You've already said you don't feel up to the visit so I think you should just suit yourself. If DH wants them round for lunch make him do all the work etc. I found my MIL very akward to deal with after the birth as was feeling so vulnerable so in a way maybe it's better she comes now... but I fully feel your pain. Hope all goes well.

I should be thankful she's not bringing hubby's dad too. Now he is a piece of work. I would seriously struggle with that.

Part of the problem is that the whole visit has got me quite worked up too. I'm usually very laid back but I can feel myself getting stressed and breathless and heart rate going up etc just thinking about it sometimes. I just keep running through in my mind all the things she's going to say to pick at me and put me down in front of her frield and and how I can best respond to them etc which is so silly as it probably won't happen but I just can't help trying to "prepare" and it just gets me very stressed and worried.

Valium Queen - my god your MIL makes mine seem like a gift!!! 2 weeks... after a section... JEEEEEZ!

DontmindifIdo... I would love to go out to neutral territory but I mentioned earlier she is very nosy - especially about people's houses and I think possibly the major reason she wanted to come up is to see what we've done to the spare room which is now a nursery - not that it won't be there after baby arrives. So I guess venue isn't really up for negotiation. :( Also we are on a farm and she loves to show all her friends etc where we live etc as it's so different to where she and they usually live and so I don't think we can talk her out of that when she's five mins away when we couldn't talk her out of coming 5 hours...

Thanks Winky Wonkola... I love your message, it makes me feel much better about things. She's a funny old kettle of fish because if she weren't my MIL I would probably love her, she seems really sweet and giggly and harmless to most people/first impressions but she's actually very pig headed underneath it all and seems to absolutely adore "putting me in my place" I really do think I'm the only person she treats like that so it's probably just a personality clash or maybe it's me that's got the problem!! Who knows! It also means I rarely have a leg to stand on as no-one else or very few people seem to be able to understand where I'm coming from. It's all very subtle digs etc which other people just don't get. I should probably be thicker skinned.

We lived very near her when we had our first, and she hardly bothered with us then. It was us that had to make the effort to visit etc. with our first child, after knowing the due date she booked a holiday abroad ten days after and as DD1 was late, she literally popped in for ten minutes on the way to the airport. I was angry with her then too, so clearly MILs cannot win I do love her really, but on the other end of a phone, with a dodgy connection.

Funny isn't it, how perhaps they're easier to manage close by than further away?? I guess you get quantity not quality when you're closer by but it's the "quality" that kills!!! I actually think I agree I would prefer her to live nearby so it wasn't such a big deal when she did visit and we weren't stuck all together for days on end but hey ho!

Especially if you get a system in place whereby you can discretely see who is at the door, and then hide if it is them . Not so easy when the kids are big enough to squeal on you though.

Imagine if you lived abroad, and had month long visits

I'd be really poorly. Severe Braxton Hicks, moaning in the toilet when thy came round...

And teary as say to DH "this is why I'd didn't want people here at this stage. Sob sob.."

Make sure you look pale and drawn. I think the best pal will be suitably embarrassed and say they should leave