1 week to due date - Mother in Law insisting on visiting

[helsybells]

I'm just a bit flummoxed as to what to do about this.

My husband thoughtfully (ahem) invited my mother in law (and some friend of hers I've never met) to visit us this weekend a week before baby due date. Admittedly she is not staying with us as our only spare room is now a nursery for baby so is staying in a local B&B.

I've been very up and down over the past few weeks both emotionally and physically with the strain of not sleeping and generally feeling immobile and the usual fed-upness that seems to come with late stages of pregnancy. I feel fine one minute and the next exhausted and teary the next and my blood pressure was up which has never happened before at my m/w appointment last week. I am also very aware that baby could arrive literally at any minute at this stage and I just generally want to be left alone in my own space. So about a week ago I asked hubby if he could cancel the visit, especially as I find his mum pretty hard work at times, she frequently picks and me and puts me down and sort of tries to discredit me in front of people a lot which I find really stressful at the best of times.

Hubby explained that I haven't been too well and would they mind cancelling. She wasn't happy about it but sort of accepted it. I sent her a really nice text to say I was really sorry but not very well and she must come and visit soon after baby was born to which I got no reply. Later that day my husband informed me they had called back and told him they'd decided to come anyway...

What can you do? It's a free country?? So they arrived late last night and so didn't come around and are planning to visit this afternoon. I am just really put out that I am so close to having this baby which is scary when it's your first and as I said I just want to be left alone but that doesn't seem to matter to them. Hubby is already causing trouble because he wants them to come round for lunch and I would rather they just came by for a cup of tea in the afternoon so I don't have to worry about running around after them too much and clearing up afterwards etc.

I guess the reason for this post is that I'm just more put out about the thoughtlessness than anything and want to get it off my chest but in all honesty I'd really like to make known my disoleasure at their decision to disregard my request not to come at this stage... I'm probably being unreasonable. I think they possibly want us to go out for dinner with them tonight as well which I don't think I can manage as I'll be too tired so I suppose hubby will go and I'll be left in on my own. Which is fine, hopefully they will go somewhere with mobile reception (fairly rare around here) in case anything happens.

Don't forget the wonderful mn rejoinder of, smile sweetly and say "did you mean that to sound so rude?".
Works a treat.
Just keep reminding yourself its only 48 hours.
By the way, I had a hard pg with my DS, and dreadful so far this time. DS was a horrific sleeper and I was up every hour for months. At NO POINT did I ever feel as bad as when I was pregnant. You're about to feel sooo much better, I can't tell you the relief that's heading your way.

They are not staying with you so tbh I think you're over reacting, remember this is your husband's mother. How would you feel if you had a son who's wife didn't want you to visit him?

OP, her friend will probably ask you how far ahead you are, how you feel, you must be tired etc. Most people monopolise the conversation in such situations and so could you! Grab any opportunity and don't just nod! If you have any fears of labour (come on, all woman have to a point!) bring them on as well and make yourself the centre of the universe :) Keep repeating with a tired, breathless smile and quite slowly that you are SOOOOO tired, all the things you had to arrange, even though baby is not here yet it would take so long and so much effort to prepare the nursery that it's so much better that you have already done it, maybe months before it's needed etc. And that it's nice having them around as it means that your husband can bring dinner or take you out so you can relax a bit! You MIL will probably try to say how hard she had it and that it's not as hard as you are making it to be so just smile and repeat "older generations always better, aren't they?"

Oh helsybells I really feel for you. My husband wants his parents to come over from abroad for the birth (not to be in the room
THANK GOD but in the hospital) but I really, really cannot handle the idea of houseguests at that time. I wouldn't want visitors right before the birth either - I'd find it very stressful.

Perhaps, as others have suggested, you could hammer home the point by making it clear that you need to be waited on hand and food because you are about to give birth, and that you are in no way interested in hosting!

Also helsybells could your mum come over while they're there, for some moral support for you and to be on your side and (eg) say "helsybells really has to rest now"? My mum's done that before when my inlaws visited in the middle of my pregnancy when I was feeling very unwell.

So it's ok for the OP's mum to come round but not her husband's

I can't wait for the day my son's get married and I get to stop being part of their family

My own MIL can be fairly annoying but when I look at it objectively no more so than anyone I'm related to by blood, so I now cut her the same amount of slack that they get, makes for much smoother relationship.

Well, I see it that this is about what is best for OP (and of course the baby) given that she's the one that is about to give birth, and I think everyone else in the family should just fall in with what she wants, frankly. This isnt the time for her to have to be smoothing things over with relatives. There's plenty of time after the birth to be negotiating those particular tricky moments! I'm expecting a boy and I really hope that i wouldn't dream of imposing my own wishes above those of his future pregnant wife, knowing how hard I'm finding this pregnancy.

The impression I get is that she wants to visit her son, he wants her to visit and that the OP is being precious. I'd be of a different view if the MIL was staying at the house but she isn't. I'm 40+4, haven't slept properly for weeks, have lots of BHs etc etc, so do have some sympathy but honestly sitting round the house feeling sorry for yourself because your husband wants to see his mother is a step into preciousness too far in my view.

Also if the imminent arrival of a new member isn't a time for making happy family relationships then I'm not really sure when is. Maybe I'm just odd but I'm off the view that when DH and I got married and had children we joined not only ourselves but our families together.

Furrygoldone - I totally agree with your point that she is hubby's mum etc. I am very aware that she will be a big part of baby's life just as she is my husband's and of course I accept that. She comes to stay fairly regularly with us but is just the timing on this occasion and more that I'm quite shocked when we asked if she would mind leaving it when it's so close to the birth she wouldn't.

There is nothing I would like more than to get on better with her. I genuinely wish I could wave a magic wand and make it so but it just seems impossible. I have and do spend quite a lot of time paining over ways I could find to change the relationship mentally as it were. But I just struggle so hard with the picking and the put-downs it's very difficult to try and rise above it and it's fair to say that I don't have that problem with any other members of my or my husband's family just her and her husband and tbh she wasn't always that bad, it was her husband who started it from the word go and it's like she joined in with him.

Nevertheless and in all seriousness, if anyone on here has been able to turn around a negative or bad relationship like this I would be really interested to hear about it and how you did it.

Also incidentally she doesn't have a good word to say about her own mother in law and I was a bit shocked recently when granny (her MIL) who is about 86/87 fell and broke her hip and was in hospital for some time that her and her husband didn't go and visit for about 3 days and left it all up to grandpa (also mid/late 80's and a bit infirm and doesn't drive) to do all visiting organise home care etc etc even though they only live 15 minutes apart.

SEcondsop - gosh that's pretty overwhelming. I would be mortified to have any other people around in the background whilst giving birth. I just feel that the actual pregnancy/giving birth part is a private thing for the woman and whoever she chooses to have with her even if that's not the father as it's your body. Once baby arrives then that is different as they are a person in their own right and a member of the family connnected to the other members of the family but until birth I really do think it's a private thing between you and your body and how you feel. Hope that sort of makes sense.

Furrygoldone again I can see your point. I do worry that perhaps I'm being too precious about it all but I just feel really sh1t in myself and I just keep feeling pretty overwhelmed with life in general. I have cancelled my whole diary actually going forward not just MIL - I had dear friends planning to drop in etc - because I just haven't felt great at all and I just dearly want my own space and time for a week or two until baby arrives so I can just feel the weight lift off my shoulders and relax and have a positive experience. I think the great unknown of giving birth to your first plays a big part, had I been through it all before and knew what to expect to a greater extent I would probably feel happier about things. I just feel like I can't relax if people are around in case something happens and I do think that with a week or so to go when I'm feeling this rubbish other women who've been in this situation (which of course MIL has) might understand that.

Helsybells perhaps the new baby could be the opportunity you need to develop a better relationship and break the cycle? It's interesting that she doesn't get on with her own mother-in-law - perhaps she never really gave the two of you a chance because on some level she didn't think such relationships would work? And maybe she thinks she has to go against your wishes to see her son because that's what things were like for her and her mother-in-law? maybe she's worried that once the baby is born, she will really "lose" her son?

From that point of view, once you're feeling better hopefully there will be chances for you to be the bigger person and really involve her in the baby's life, to show her that it's possible for her to see her son and grandchild at times and in a manner that work for everyone, rather than it having to be "her versus you".

I had some real issues with MIL around the birth of DS but a lt of it was actually me using her asa conduit for my own insecurity to an extent and not being able to tell her to do one in the same way I would do when my own mum would make exactly the same comment. She'd make a throw away comment about something like nursery and it would feed into my going back to work angst for example. Once I realised I just had to let some comments wash over me then it got a lot better.

I also concentrate on the relationship I want DS to have with her rather than the relationship I have with her. My grandparents were such an important part of my life and I really want my children to experience the same. He is 17 months now and already totally adores both her and FIL it's a total joy to watch and definitely softens things all round, as it's now just so obvious that we are family.

Try and relax a bit I spent a large part of this week when DS was in nursery sitting in the house feeling sorry for myself, I was out all day yesterday and out again with friends later today and feel much better now that I've taken my mind off every twinge, ache and pain. With DS I was very much of the mind 'get away from me I'm about to give birth' so maybe you need the benefit of hindsight but I'm enjoying this approach more.

The being pregnant bit is almost not the issue if MIL or for that matter FIL is habitually overbearing and critical so I don't think OP is being precious. I don't think anyone should have to tolerate pushiness or point scoring just because they are a DIL.

As others have said, on the bright side MIL and the other lady are at least staying elsewhere. You can plead tiredness and retire if things get too much.
I would grit teeth be lovely and gracious to MIL and her friend for your DH's sake. The friend being present might rein in MIL 's tendency to feel the need to assert herself.

Fair to say that everyone will be a bit on edge from time to time and sometimes we worry far in advance when things turn out quite differently, focus on you, your bump and DH for now.

Thanks Secondsop - you are right that would be great. Thinking about it perhaps the problems really set in when the distance became an issue. We really did get on ok when we lived in London about an hour from them. Then hubby and I moved out of London and back up to where I'm from in Yorkshire and I think after that perhaps the relationship changed, perhaps she felt I'd taken him away out of reach, so maybe it's more the distance than the arrival of baby that caused the original problem. Although it could also have been when we got married which happened not long after we moved up here when she really became MIL rather than boyfriend/partner's mum... who knows... I really agree and hope that arrival of baby can make a positive difference. I would really like to think that baby arriving could do that, and I think you're right it's a good opportunity to try and do so, so I will definitely try.

In other news DH has just informed me MIL and friend are out walking until after lunch and so we are going out to meet them for a cup of tea this afternoon in a nearby village which I actually feel much more relaxed about than having them come here where there can potentially be no end to the visit. So that's good. They are going to come round to our house tomorrow morning instead before they drive back down and as we have my Granny's 90th b/day lunch tomorrow there is also a finite amount of time on that front so feeling much better about it and also that they've decided to go for a walk rather than come round unnannounced etc makes me feel like perhaps they are being more thoughtful than I feared. So I'll try grab that with both hands and make a positive from it! :)

Sorry for calling you precious btw, with one DS and another about to arrive I just get a bit freaked out with all the MIL posts on here at times. I don't want my gorgeous, loving boy who I would give my life for to marry someone who will try and exclude me from their lives for some of the 'crimes' you read about on here.

Thanks furry - see I think we probably have felt very similar or the same things at one time or another. I too feel a bit like "get away from me" and again I guess it's the unknown factor. I also do worry that you can't respond in the same way as you would with your own family which is how you might deal with negative comments naturally. I do really struggle with letting them wash over me where I would just stand up to a member of my own family or ignore it and I think in the same way I take it more to heart that people who I am less familiar with would "dare" to behave towards someone they don't know as well. If your immediate family treat you like that you kind of accept it because they're immediate flesh and blood if people more distant behave like that it's like "I wouldn't talk to a non family member like that how come you would!???"

Thanks for the supportive viewpoint too Donkeys - you are right just the fact that they now aren't coming to my home has made me feel lots better and proved as you say we worry far in advance then "things don't turn out like that". At least the sun is out and a cup of tea in the sunshine will be a nice change, and incidentally I do like the sound of her friend, DH was saying how she was giving his mum grief in the car last night for getting all wound and going on and on about a traffic jam!! Apparently told her "oh for god's sake shut up"!!! tee hee!

No worries about the precious thing - it was one of my concerns that I was being that way anyway!

Awww feel the love in the room!!! ;)

hope all goes well helsy .

That sounds good.

I actually feel a bit sorry for the woman now. She's obviously desperate to spend some time with her DS at this important time in his life.

So much so she would drive from London to Yorkshure just for a cuppa.

But my seven month pregnant hormones make me as changeable as the weather....

Oh gosh Rowan, you make me feel like a terrible person now... :( He has been down there to see her too for a couple of days at least twice in the past 2-3 months so it's not that she never sees him at all...

Anyway, just to update we met for afternoon tea in the end and I think friend was a little bit surprised and didn't realise that I was so close to due date but was very nice and everything went really well. It was really positive actually and I made a big effort to be nice to MIL saying how she always brings nice weather with her etc etc and she was fine and didn't dig at all, though it was only for an hour or so, perhaps because she is usually with us for a few days solidly the digs start to filter in and that's when I notice it more...?

Anyway, they are also coming round tomorrow morning for tea and to see nursery etc and hubby is out for dinner with them this evening as planned so they will get quite a few hours quality time together this evening. I'm wiped out and going to have a nice bath (and eat some chocolate as suggested!!)! :D

Sounds like it went as well as it could. Glad about that.

Good luck with the birth by the way.

Sorry! I didn't mean to make you feel bad! [Thanks]

Glad to hear it went well. I'm doing the same with my big belly.

My getting out the bath technique has had to be practiced in front of DH as I slipped getting out last week . Roll on to knees first Helsy and hope last week goes well.