Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Getting irritated by family members 'knowing best'

28 replies

LuckyOwl28 · 10/09/2012 13:47

Is anyone else experiencing friends or family being a bit too forthcoming with their opinions or knowledge on what you should or shouldn't be doing?

I had a bit of a battle with Gran and Aunty yesterday when I dropped the bombshell that there won't be a Christening. Anticipating a follow up lecture soon.

Another one i'm experiencing a lot are people's do's and don'ts with food! I know I'm probably being over cautious by avoiding the foods that I am (eg. cheesecake yesterday), but for me personally with this being my first and at least til I've had my 12 week scan I don't want to take any chances. I wish people would respect my wishes, especially as I don't have the energy to explain myself at the moment!

Shall I expect this for the rest of the pregnancy? I can't imagine ever lecturing anyone about their baby choices, unless they asked my opinion or unless it risked the child's health significantly!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

coolerking · 10/09/2012 13:50

I hate to say it but you've got it until the kids move out, and it may not stop even then.

You develop a thick skin, good at ignoring things and doing it your way. TBF I've never had it too bad, but I feel that a lot of my decisions are analysed and tutted over, I've just developed confidence in my and my DHs views on parenting.

BonaDea · 10/09/2012 13:59

Food! The other weekend while we were out and about, both DH and I had a text message from his mum asking us to call urgently. We actually didn't pick up the texts quickly, then she almost immediately left us both a voicemail. Mine said:

"Please please please please DON'T eat any peanuts. And I don't mean just peanuts on their own but also peanuts in things like curries - they put a lot of them in curries. If you need to know why, call me."

Seriously, I would have thorttled her if she'd been in front of me! Because:
a) the advice is actually now wrong and out of date; and
b) it assumes I haven't a clue what I'm doing, haven't bothered to check what I can / can't eat...

URGH! I waited the whole weekend, mainly to calm down, then sent her an email on Monday sending her a link to the NHS website and explaining it was fine for me to continue eating peanuts. Hey, maybe the pregnancy hormones got me angrier than I needed to be. But how annoying!

BonaDea · 10/09/2012 14:00

And actually:

c) because she assumed I would blindly follow her advice without even asking why ("if you want to know why, call me").

Original poster

LuckyOwl28 · 10/09/2012 14:04

coolerking Thanks for the advice, can feel my skin thickening as we speak!

BonaDea Sorry but I couldn't help but laugh at your post . Mainly as I would have been exactly the same, in fact I think you did well to let yourself calm down before sending the email!

I was scoffed at yesterday for not eating a piece of cheesecake, eyes were being rolled behind my back and I was told to stop being dramatic. For a start the more it went on the less I fancied the God damn thing in the end! I think its easy for women who've had healthy children to comment!

OP posts:

stowsettler · 10/09/2012 14:05

Hahaha! I think it happens to us all! I'm getting all the hippy-dippy approaches to child-rearing from DP's sister at the moment. It most definitely is NOT my way and if I needed any examples of why not to do it that way, I'd be looking at her youngest!

It may work for some, but it most definitely won't work for me.

panicnotanymore · 10/09/2012 14:12

Cheesecake is disgusting. I have been refusing it for as long as I can remember, and eyes are always rolled. I think some people have an innate need for everyone else to indulge so that they don't feel bad about doing so. I bet no one would have batted an eyelid if you had turned down some pre-packed lettuce on the basis that it might carry a listeria risk.

Just roll with the I'm pregnant, and hormonal, and have IRRATIONAL mood swings line

StealthPolarBear · 10/09/2012 14:16

Welcome to pregnancy :) and congratulations, this is what it'll be like from now on. A bit of advice ;) never ask.for a glass of wine in a pub. Not because drinking while pg is so dreadful, but because the shocked gasps from those around you will suck all the air from the room :o

NiceCupOfTeaAndASitDown · 10/09/2012 14:23

OMG its only going to get worse. You really need to decide on an approach to it now because once you've had the baby people will be falling over themselves to tell you you're doing everything wrong and it will be actions too such as buying you things they think are best for baby and ignoring your protests.

I find that absentmindedly saying "yeah" whilst completely ignoring the advice works, unless it's something I feel really passionately about or they won't let it lie and then I'm afraid I do go all guns blazing to explain my reasons for doing it my way.

Most of the people who did it have stopped now DS is older (I think they've learnt I don't take kindly to being told what to do) but with DC2 due next month I am fully prepared for it to start all over again and I will be becoming a bitch once again if they do!

wanderingalbatross · 10/09/2012 14:26

With regards to food, now is the time to blame pregnancy hormones for putting you off any food you don't fancy eating :) not indulging because of being cautious invites comment (not that it should!), but not being able to face something because you're pg is an excuse that no-one can argue with.

Original poster

LuckyOwl28 · 10/09/2012 14:27

I find that absentmindedly saying "yeah" whilst completely ignoring the advice works

NiceCupOfTea That sounds right up my street, will kick into gear now!

OP posts:

panicnotanymore · 10/09/2012 14:35

wandering you are so right. I turned down home made soup the other day on the basis I was 'right off liquid food at the moment'. Total rubbish, I actually suspected it had been reheated and cooled so many times it would give me the sh*ts

ItsMyLastOne · 10/09/2012 14:41

Oh yes, this doesn't stop when the baby's born, it just gets worse!

PurplePidjin · 10/09/2012 14:46

According to MIL I'm not allowed to carry anything heavier than a book.

She's a retired nurse with three lovely adult children and one of the most eminently sensible people I know.

furrygoldone · 10/09/2012 14:47

I reslise i'm about to totally miss the point but why didn't you want the cheesecake?

BonaDea · 10/09/2012 16:51

cheesecake can often be made with raw egg and / or unpasturised cream cheese (depending on what type it is!)

ContinentalKat · 10/09/2012 17:14

Now is the perfect time to practice a friendly, sincere smile, saying "Oh, thank you! That is great advice!" and then turning round and ignoring.

I also found the "That is exactly what I do!" (and turn round, ignore) approach to midwife, mil, neighbours etc. very helpful.

Original poster

LuckyOwl28 · 10/09/2012 18:31

What BonaDea said. I couldn't find anything on the box to say either way, and found conflicting advice via Google, so decided to leave it! x

OP posts:

Midgetm · 10/09/2012 18:47

Ok not saying you should eat cheesecake, i don't care what people eat and don't eat but just because others may use this as advice and to not add to the conflicting advice on the interweb when they really want a slice of cheesecake.You can eat it if you want. Both mascarpone and ricotta or normal Philly type cheese are fine in pregnancy and don't have to be avoided, these are normally what is in a cheesecake. Eggs that have the lion mark pretty safe even if raw and the very worst it can do is food poisoning not baby threatening listeria so you won't be a reckless mamma to shove a bit of cheesecake in your gob. Can't imagine a cheesecake being made with blue veined or mould ripened cheese as this would be rank, they would be the only cheesecake you would need to avoid. Baked cheesecake even more extra safe, and delicious as egg cooked so no salmonella risk. Just for the sake of balance and all those cheesecakes that can't speak for themselves. Apart from when they wink and say eat me....

furrygoldone · 10/09/2012 18:51

I didn't know that about cheesecake, although I would expect shop bought to be fully pasteurised and made with Lion marked eggs unless otherwise stated.

Although as I accidentally had a Brie sandwich for lunch and it's my second I'm probably not the most on the ball about these things!!

midori1999 · 10/09/2012 18:58

I realise I am missing the point too, but in the UK a bought cheesecake would not contain raw, unpasteurised egg.

Having previously had several early miscarriages and lost twins at 24 weeks (both born alive, one in NICU) I am only too aware of the risks of pregnancy and am as paranoid as you can get when pregnant, but even I would eat shop bought cheesecake.

Of course, if you don't want to eat it, don't eat it, but if you are over cautious then people are likely to comment on it. Just ignore them!

MaMaPo · 11/09/2012 07:36

I guess one of the upsides of going through your first pregnancy 17,000km away from your nearest and dearest is that there's very little unsolicited advice!

Then again, there are 3 other pregnant women at work, but luckily everyone's kept their opinions largely to themselves. I seem to have dodged a bullet.

Aliglobetrek · 11/09/2012 07:52

I was at the hairdressers, mid foils in early pregnancy and started getting texts from my SIL saying that i couldn't have my hair coloured! Well it was a bit late by then but of course I'd already checked this out. People assume you are stupid.
I was also criticised last week by DB and SIL for drinking a can of 0.0% beer (because it may actually contain up to 0.04% alcohol and don't I know that can harm the baby!).

If we do decide to have another child I'm not going to tell anyone apart from DH until I'm showing.
Am currently 40+11 and got a broken foot so things like this are especially grating on me at the moment :(

Gingerbreadlatte · 11/09/2012 08:16

Aligo- "People assume you are stupid"
Totally agree with this statement. Everyone seems to think pregnant women are incapable of making decisions of their own. Its more annoying when its statements made by people who dont have children...

OP- good for you for standing by decision to not eat cheesecake!

londonlivvy · 11/09/2012 08:26

Apparently when you have the baby, It's even worse, with strangers stopping you in the street to lecture you on why the baby should have a hat, or recommend a book or whatever. My sister had a little notebook in her handbag in which she'd jot down the advice (and then promptly ignore it).

coolerking · 11/09/2012 10:12

Or your child doesn't have enough clothes on, 'they look cold the poor mite', or they shouldn't be in a forward facing pushchair. etc etc

Flip

1 2