Scared STIFF of birth: any motivating books/tips?

[Gemmitygem]

I'm nearly 10 weeks but already terrified of the birth. Set on having epidural but still terrified of the pain after hearing friends' horror stories. I have a low pain threshold and am a nervy kind of person, and am scared I won't be able to cope or will go a bit loopy or something.

Does anyone know of any motivating books or other advice? I think I'd feel better if I prepared by trying to think positively during the next few months! Any help appreciated!

Have you thought about hiring a doula? She might be able to at least show you some films (birth wasn't at all how it's portrayed on TV) - and possibly stay with you during the entire birth as an empathetic "guiding hand", someone much more experienced than dh. I had hired one but then did not end up needing her at the birth - learned so much from her prenatal classes. Personally I didn't think the pain was unbearable (and my labor lasted longer than most). Please try not to get worked up over it. Your friends' horror stories are not kind - you are not them, and you don't yet know how you will do. You may surprise yourself! (I'm currently due with #2, and admittedly am a LOT less nervous about this one, knowing how I was able to do last time!)

oh, feel for you and wish i could help. its horrible to be so frightened of something. ive had two sections though and a (sort of) labour which went nowhere so i dont know what a vb is like. (not a horror story, it just never progressed!) im sure there will be plenty people along tomorrow who can reassure you. try not to worry (easier said than done), its a long way off yet and im sure you will be fine

It's made worse by the fact that all DH's friends' wives have recently had babies, and all had no pain relief, standing up etc, and he secretly thinks I'm being a wimp and it's actually not that painful, which makes me even more anxious!

Hi Gem
First, as Marls has said - it really is nothing like it is on TV. You never see women calmly breathing through contractions or groaning a little, and it's all doctors and emergencies, which isn't the usual experience.

Secondly, your body will look after you. I found that after my 20-wk scan, I started to become a lot calmer. In the last trimester, your body will produce increasing amounts of endorphins. So how you feel about birth now isn't how you'll probably feel about it in say twenty weeks' time. I got pretty much blissed out despite having been jumpy about the notion of giving birth.

I think if you're scared, the best thing to do is to be as clued up as you can be. But look, there's no hurry. Forget about it for now if you can, and somewhere in the second trimester, revisit the idea and read up, go to classes (NCT, Active Birth) etc.. The more you know, the more you can be in control.
(Book classes now though, there's usually a waiting list.)

PS It is painful but it can be beautiful - I loved giving birth. Tell your dh that when he is pregnant and facing birth then he can have an opinion!

I agree. Dh's do not get to have an opinion about birth and how much it may or may not hurt.

It would be a real shame to let your fear of the birth overshadow your pregnancy - it's a very special time (albeit punctuated with puking, needing to go the loo all the time, etc!). By the end of the pregnancy you will be (a) so desperate to get shot of the baby that you will be if not happy actually willing to endure labour and (b) more concerned about seeing your baby and all being well afterwards. I can't say I found giving birth to be an enjoyable experience but looking back to 9 months ago, it seems like the merest moment in the journey of being a parent.

Agree with Pruni - forget about this aspect for now and think about it nearer the time. You have a long way to go yet - good luck!

thanks, lockets, I already wrote that one down and am going to order it..

Thanks others for your encouragement. I'm sure I'll chill out as the months progress!

I felt exactely the same way when I was pregnant with DD. I was totally terrified about the birth. I wished the whole time I didn't have to do it. I never felt I needed the experience of birth. I just wanted my baby.

I'm a total wuss with a very very low pain threshold, I reach for pain meds as soon as I have the slightest headache. I just knew I wouldn't be able to cope. I'm one of those people who tenses up when I'm in pain, so I knew that that reaction was totally wrong for giving birth. I just didn't trust myself to be able to do it.

I told my midwife about my fears very early on and even though she tried to re-assure me, after I broke into hysterics in one of the appointments she suggested to ask for an epidural as soon as I get into hospital. She put it all over my notes and stressed that I need to 'order' the epidural as soon as I get into labour (even before I go into hospital) so they are prepared for me as (unfortunately) it sometimes happes that women ask for epidurals and can't get them because the anethasist is in theatre.

Luckily, and yes I think I was very very lucky, my daughter (as if she knew she needed to help me out there) turned herself breech and in the process broke the waters, so I got a scheduled (albeit considered an urgent) ceasearan section, which was amazing. No pain, no fear, baby being born within 10 minutes.

So, after this long post, two conclusions, firstly, try to be in control of the situation, e.g. book your epidural in advance and secondly, trust that it will all work out in the end.

Good Luck and I so remember how you must feel.

hi jen, have you got discovery home and health channel? There's lots of birth documentarys on there that show birth how it is.
I also have a low pain threashold and as much as I loved the notion of having a natual water birth with no pain relief etc.. I always knew in the back of my mind I would have an epidural.
As it turned out when I went into labour I was so confused as to whether it was real or not I stayed at home for six hours breathing through the pain, when I got to hospital I was 6-7cm already so I asked for epidural as pain was getting stronger but once epidural was in (and I didnt fell needle going in at all) it was bliss and I had a fantastic birth without pain or intervention.
When the time comes your body will go with it and you will know when you need the pain relief.
The midwives are there to help you through it, and it helps if your dh or a friend was there to second your views and speak up for you if you're feeling a bit vunerable.
for eg as soon as I got to the hospital I didnt stop asking for the epidual every minute and my birth partner kept asking too and think midwife called him quick because she was sick of me goin on
please try to relax and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy it's such a special time and it goes so quickly (although doesnt seem that way at the time)
good luck x

You really are not on your own with this, as the replies show.

When I had dd1 i had an epidural and because of problems, it all went out of my hands and because of this made me petrified when I fell pregnant with dd2.

I was so bad when the midwife or anyone mentioned the birth plan I would nearly pass out, I would start shaking, sweating etc and feel sick.

But fortunately, it went fantastic, all over and done with in 20 minutes.

Also, other people may disagree, but I didn't find the classes or any of the programmes helpful at all, in fact it made me even more frightened so I didn't go to any classes or watch any programmes.

Try not to worry and do some deep breathing when you feel yourself getting worked up.

One bit of advice i can give is DON'T LISTEN TO YOUR FRIENDS HORROR STORIES , they shouldn't really tell you them anyway when you are pregnant as all labours are different

I am also a complete wimp, avoided the dentist for years, but, have given birth to two children with the aid of just a tens machine and gas and air. I Was terrified that I wouldn't cope with giving birth but I did and was amazed and so pleased with myself after having the first.

i think about it this way... it's one day out of your life.. yes it can be unpleasant, but at least you're in a lovely safe environment and not stuck up a tree in a flood like that lady on the news a few years ago! You'll be fine.. if that moron lizzy bardsley can have shed loads of kids, you'll be excellent at it!

Oh, sorry to hear you are terrified of the birth. Please do lots of reading up. I read up a lot and collected bits that i felt would be useful to me .. to do it my way. It made me feel so much better to be, somewhat, prepared.
I had vaguely heard about the pain in giving birth and seen pictures in books, but never heard anyone's birth story before.
My waters broke first, and i went to wash my hair and pack my hospital bag before calling the hospital.
My first child, I was one of those just calmly moaning through my contractions till i was 9cm dilated, enjoying 2 cups of tea and hardly breaking into a sweat.
It is best to try to stay calm .. you will be in more control :)

Gem
I felt exactly like you when I was pg with my dd. I couldn't even bear the thought of Epidurals and Csections.
But when the day finally came I was incredibly calm and the day after (when I came round from the pethidine) I said I would do it all again.
It just wasn't scary because I knew what was happening.
It wasn't like I had this awful pain and nobody knew what it was. I was having a baby and in great care with people who were helping me.

Even dh said he couldn't believe how calm I was though the whole thing.
Considering I pass out when I have my bloods taken

if you've booked an epidural you've got nothing to worry about - the first part of labour is manageable and if you're lucky (from your pov) you might get one from the off!

Most women are 'scared' of labour - I used to look at women everywhere and think - well they did it so I can too - I had one 'natural' delivery which was painful to be honest but I had 2 epidurals following that pregnancy and I'd recommend it to everybody.

Try not to worry, just keep thinking 'epidural, epidural'

First of all I just wanted to say that my experience of giving birth was that it really wasn't too bad. Yes, there was pain, but it was totally manageable. You will be able to cope and you have lots of options for pain relief if you need it.

I recommend taking any antenatal yoga classes that are available to you as learning how to be relaxed is key to managing both your worry and handling labour. And NCT antenatal classes are vbery good for being informed, and talking about positive experiences.

And lastly I would avoid reading too much. Because there's an awful lot that you don't need to know. And because you don't want to get too focussed on the birth too early.

That said, one really lovely book is Birth And Beyond by Yehudi Gordon. Its not too medical and has lots of practical advice for all stages of pregnancy and first nine months.

Try to relax and enjoy your pregnancy. HTH

Gemmitygem, I really feel for you as I was in the same position last year. My advice is:

1. Read as many books as you can, watch videos of births, etc, so you feel as well-informed as you can be. This will make you feel reassured that you have done all the mental preparation you can do now, and during the birth it won't be quite such unknown territory.

2. I agree with the advice of other people to ask for the epidural as soon as you possibly can. I did some research on this last year and found that there is an average wait of 60 minutes between a woman asking for the epidural and getting it, and in the South East this is an average of 90 minutes. Once the anaesthetist arrives it will take him about 20 minutes to set up the epidural and another 10-15 minutes for it to start working, so be aware that you need to ask for one in good time.

3. After you've had the epidural, there really is NO pain, so don't be too frightened now!!!

4. I know it's easy for me to say this in my non-pregnant state, but try to enjoy your pregnancy as much as you can. Take time to relax, unwind, go for gentle walks, etc. Don't let fear of the birth spoil this special time.

5. We are used to being in control of so many aspects of our lives that it's hard to cope with the uncontrolled nature of birth. This is especially true if you have had a professional career before the birth. My own view is that birth "just happens" to you, and there is not that much you can do to alter the course of events. That may sound negative, but what I'm trying to say is, don't spend days now worrying about what you can do, and equally don't feel guilty afterwards if things haven't gone to plan.
   I have friends who spent months planning the perfect waterbirth, only to end up with emergency c-sections. I also have friends who wanted medicalised hospital births but gave birth too quickly to get there (one in the bath, one in the back of the car!). By all means have a birth plan, but bear in mind that before your first birth, you have no idea what will actually happen.

Lastly, good luck! It sounds as if you will be well-prepared by the time your due date approaches.

Gem, I'm 20 weeks and am listening to a set of natal hypnotherapy CDs to help me stay calm in preparation for labour. They are from www.natalhypnotherapy.com

I know this isn't everyone's cup of tea - and I am more scared about intervention than the pain of birth itself - but they are great. The first one, which you can start as early as you like, is for relaxation in pregnancy. You lie down and close your eyes for 25 minutes and a woman with a lovely calm voice talks to you and you sort of drift off while breathing deeply.

The second one you listen to from 32 weeks and is preparation for birth, with the emphasis on helping you think in terms of this being a totally natural thing for your body to be doing.

Obviously these CDs don't guarantee anything, but as I've said before, anything that helps you feel calmer and more in control/prepared has to be a good thing.

And remember that everyone's birth experience is different - and most are somewhere between the extremes of a horror story and squatting for two seconds with no need for pain relief!

Pinchy xx

Pinchypants,
Im the same as you about fearing the intervention rather than the pain. Im living in Japan and Im getting myself all worked up about the birth because they are too high-tech here for my liking. They have a really high (almost universal) episiotomy rate! Ive told my husband not to let a knife near me at the birth- Id rather tear. Its been difficult trying to find a midwife rather than a doctor- you are all lucky that in the UK you have your "own" midwives. Ive found a really good one now, but it was hard, and I still dont know yet if I can have her or not. The weird thing is though, they dont offer epidurals here, not even in the hospitals. No epidurals but universal episiotomies! What the is that all about?

I feel like just doing it by myself in the bathroom.

(actually, I`m seriously considering a home birth now)

PP, no epidurals but (almost) universal epsiotomies? Eeeeeeeeek ... that's babaric ! Don't they give women anything before they cut them up? That can't be ethical !

Actually, in that case I'd be considering a homebirth too.

Eeeek ... (still freaked out about no epidurals) Eeeek ...

Sorry I meant Sakura not PP.

DO NOT LISTEN TO OTHER PEOPLE!!!!!! I was worried about giving birth and everytime I saw MIL she would wheel out loads of horror stories at 41 weeks I could recie them!

Your birth will happen in a completely different way to anyone else's, they are all different. Find out as much as you can and research all your options, don't rule anything out as you just don't know how you're going to feel. For me the big fear was intervention and for me worst case scenario a caesarean and I decided what I would have to do to avoid it, I understand that's not everyone's point of view. I was also more scared of needles than anything else and had no pain relief. I don't consider myself to have a high pain threshold and I fainted having my ears pierced but I had my boys with TENS machine an dgas and air, which I never expected. On the day I found that I could cope and I loved giving birth. But I didn't know I would feel that way until I did it and second time round I felt fine as I knew I could do it.

Also, no one gives awards for the way you give birth, the baby doesn't care so long as it's safe and healthy and gets to meet his/her mum.