Are we mad to be having DC3 at our age? Please help...

[woollywomble]

We already have 2DDs, aged 9 and 6. I would have liked 3, DH wasn't sure so we decided to stop at 2. Anyway, to cut a long story short, now find myself newly pregnant at the age of 41, with DH just having turned 52!!!! Have to say he is not your average 52 yr old and people are amazed to hear he is that old, but even so, he is and this will make him 70 by the time the baby is 18. I am just so worried that I don't know what to do and would appreciate some objective views as I don't feel I can talk to anyone in RL yet.

My main concern, other than our ages and the implications of this, is the age gap between the girls and the new baby. My eldest would be due to do her 11+ next Sep with a new baby in the house and I'm worried that I have upset the stability of our home for them and possibly affected their futures.

I know this sounds really trivial too, but I feel really embarrassed at having been caught out and worry at what to tell people, even my parents, who I'm sure will be horrified. I don't want DC3 to be known as an 'accident' even though I'm sure this will be obvious to everyone who knows us.

I feel really confused and anxious; when I first saw the BFP my initial and instinctive reaction was to be pleased but now reality is setting in. DH is supportive and says we'll muddle through, but would appreciate your perspectives on our situation.

I think it will be wonderful - as older parents you don't have the pressure of being at the beginning of your career, and you have raised children before so will be less stressed this time round. 11 is a great age for your daughter to have a baby sibling, great life experience. My MIL had a late baby, 8 years after the others. My H adores his 'baby' sister, and she is everyone's favourite.

I'd say go for it

I'm 39, expecting number 1. I plan to have another at about 41 (if I can). Older mums are very common.

Lucky, lucky you! You'll be fine. Settled, experienced, stable. Lucky kid!
We'll all be working until 70 by the time he/she is 18 so Dad won't seem old at all. And I'm sure you'll do all you can to ensure 11+ prep not disrupted.

PS I'm 42 next month and TTC no.2 so speak from a familiar place.

Don't worry about what other people think, anyone who loves you will support you. Also these days forties and fifties isn't old. I bet your DCs will be delighted! Congrats!

I know of 3 people who had 3rd babies at that age following 'accidents' and they have all been nothing but a delight to their families (well, I'm sure they had sleepless nights too, but in no way do any of them regret them).

We had a planned baby at that age too and it is perfectly manageable - you will be very chilled third time round.

I'm having no 4 at 42 - there will be a 16 year gap between oldest and youngest.

And between oldest and next is 12 years.

Ah just go for it if it's what you want. I'm also 39 and no.1 due in Feb. Older mums rock! (so do older dads...)

PS: I meant to say that the three people I know who had unplanned third babies at your age all had big age gaps - one was about 17 years youngest to oldest and the other two were about the same as you. All three sets of siblings get on well.

My DH is the youngest by 14 years and there is 24 years between him and his eldest brother so safe to say he was an accident Spoilt rotten as well!

There is 10 and 8 years between me and my DB's. We are close, get on well and I don't think they were adversely affected by my arrival. Certainly not until the teenage years

It will be great. I bet you will bve amazed how excited your dd's are.

Hello,

Just wanted to let you know my experience from the other end of the bargain - I'm the 3rd of 3 with my sister and brother being 16 and 14 years older than me respectively. Dad was 50 when I was born.

I don't mind admitting I had a pretty idyllic childhood - my parents were experienced, stable and settled, and having much older siblings was (and still is) fantastic. It's very maturing - as a 13 year old I was used to communicating with adults as my equals (in a good way); I was an aunty at 12 and now I have 6 nephews and nieces which takes [some] of the terror out of the imminent arrival of my first :-)

On the flip side, my father died when I was 19, and I distinctly remember spending time as a young child worrying that my parents would die while I was still very young - but please don't read too much into this, accidents happen regardless of age and the benefits of older parents/siblings vastly outweighed any disadvantages - I'm still relatively normal

I'm 40 and expecting dc3. I'm so happy and just figure whats meant to be is meant to be.

Don't worry about it.

As far as your dh is concerned heres a list of famous older dads

Tony Blair (at 45), Ken Livingstone (at 57), Mick Hucknall (at 47), David Bowie (at 53), Mick Jagger (at 57), Phil Collins (at 51), Rupert Murdoch (at 72), Michael Douglas (at 58), Des O'Connor (at 72), Gordon Brown (at 54), Rod Stewart (at 60), Paul McCartney (at 61), David Jason (61), Eric Clapton (at 59), John Humphrys (at 56), John Simpson (at 61), Julio Iglesias Sr. (father of the singer Julio, at 89), Charlie Chaplin (at 73), Augustus John (at 47), Pierre Trudeau (at 72), Saul Bellow (at 84), Anthony Quinn (at 81) Pablo Picasso (at 68) and Luciano Pavarotti (twins at 67), Jonathan Dimbleby (at 62), David Letterman (at 56), Larry King (at 65 and 66), Woody Allen (at 51), Warren Beatty (at 62), and Jack Nicholson (at 53), Mike Oldfield (at 54), Dennis Quaid (at 50), Rick Parfitt (at 59), Van Morrison (allegedly at 64), Kevin Costner (at 55), Rod Stewart (father at 66), Kelsey Grammer (father at 55), Ritchie Blackmore (father at 65), Frank Skinner (will be father at 55).

Congratualtions!

I'm 39 and expecting DC3 in Oct. Though we started late so the age gaps are quite small.

What a lucky baby to be born into a family with two older siblings to care for her/him and introduce her/him to all sorts of life experiences as they grow up.

There are so many couples having their first babies at over 40 these days that you won't feel out of place among the new mums at the clinic but I do know what you mean about telling family. I was concerned about what my parents and extended family might think but they've all been outwardly delighted and supportive (even if they might have raised eyebrows in private).

Don't be embarrassed follow your gut feeling and be joyful.

As an aside, my Dad is the youngest of 3 by 12 years and has enjoyed a very close relationship with his siblings even though they didn't spend a lot of time together when he was a child. He was a wartime baby, think Just William and his older brother and sister! Dad is 72 now and his sister died last year but his brother is going strong at 86 and they remain close and love getting together for a gossip serious conversation about current affairs. Siblings can provide each other with life-long closeness even if parents are no longer around.

Have you come across Louisa Dillner? She had a column in The Guardian's family section on Saturdays for a year or so describing her family's experience of having a new baby arriving when she was 47. A funny inspiring and positive read.

Best wishes with everything.

Dh had his first at 48 and will have second at 50. My dc3&4.
There is 11years between dd1 and dd3 and 9 years between dd2/3

Sounds like you will be a fab and happy family, some ladies don't even start their families at all until 40+ and my sisters friend had 3 babies all conceived and born in her 40's.

Your older dd's may dote on the baby and disrupting the 11+ is not a big problem in the scheme of things compared to having a new little sibling. You will find a way, she could always study in the local library if home is too noisy - I had to do that when I was a yoof as we lived in a tiny noisy house and I would have never done a stroke of work if I hadn't! :)

Thank you so much for all your kind replies - they have made me rather emotional (hormones probably playing a part too!). Congratulations to everyone else expecting too and good luck to resipsa in ttc. Thanks for sharing your experience dosomethingmutley, sorry about your dad, glad you have good memories to cherish. Exexe - thanks for posting that - my DH's response would be that he's just old without their money though ! Will look up Louisa Dillner's column MoonHare - need all the positive vibes! Really appreciate you all sharing your stories with me.

I am 41 and 27 weeks with DC3 [my first DD1 sadly died though and my second DD is only 20 months). I was caught out too although am happy now. My DH will be 43 just before DD3 is born.

So I guess we are a bit younger than you but not much and not really that worried about age. In the (admittedly affluent) part of London we live in we don't feel older than other parents!

I am also a child of older parents (40 and 46) with older brothers. The downside of that is my Dad died a few years ago and my mum is too frail to really enjoy her GDs. The upside is they did make a lot of time for me when I was young and we were financially stable. And its financially not a problem for us to have two DDs close in age.

Basically, within reason, you DCs will be ok regardless of their parents age.

I don't think your age has much to do with it - some 40+ people have zip energy as do some 20somethings.

I'm 38 weeks with dc4 at aged 41. I would definitely have one more in the next two years if I can persuade dh!

I think you'll definitely "muddle through" at the very very least. Big congratulations and enjoy your good fortune!

well, if you're mad so are we! Let's be mad, middle-aged and careless together:)

Wow, great thread! Was feeling a bit over-the-hill and past it but not after reading these posts. Again, good luck !

i wldnt expect two older siblings to do much - mine did minimal for me and i never ever hear the end of it - as well as raging - unchecked jealousy....

btw

both my parents are/were very active - mentally young and fun, and to me - aside from ..looking older ....than other parents adn people thinking my sister was my mum when i was very young...it made no difference to me at all...

at 72 my mum was more fun to go out with than some of my friends...most of my friends! ( not clubbing but late nighgts in nice pubs and restaurants....or jazz etc)

I think the fact that your expecting DC3 is lovely. Yes you are both older now as are your DD's but that doesn't mean you won't be able to cope. Your new baby is a blessing and will be another child to add to your family tree - another child that will give you grandchildren, another child that you will be so proud of

I had dc5 at 43. 18 year gap between DC1 and 5 but only 2yrs tween 4 & 5

Oh is 2 years younger than me but has a progressive condition so not as mobile as your average 43 year old (though fitter than many)

Sometimes I worry about the future but there isn't much point in doing that. Anything can happen. So why fret?

Congratulation :)

My husband is 45 and just had number 3 (my first). His other children are 18 and 16. Both doing GCSEs and A Levels while we had a new born in the house . It was fine . They adore their baby sister , I can see she is going to be spoilt.

Things feel like they are running very smoothly, very stable and secure .

Hiya, don't fret, you could have been me 18 months ago - although I had no worries. But in totally the same position - I was 41 (now 42) , ds1 is 10 and will sit the 11plus in about 6 weeks (aargh!) ds2 is 7 and our little treasure ds3 is 8 months.

I can honestly say it has been wonderful - both boys are amazing with him because he is so cute and funny. They are too old and sensible for any jealousy or disruption to their routines, all he has done is add another wonderful element to our lives. I can only imagine that you having girls they will be even more help with the baby, they really are lovely things to have about the house. I also feel the baby is so settled as he has come into an established house where everyone knows their roles and he has slotted in so neatly.

It hasn't affected ds1 with the 11 plus, in fact I think he has grown more sensible and has been applying himself to the extra work.

Oh, and the birth was my best out of the 3 - waterbirth, fab.

Congratulations, you will be absolutely fine.