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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Heart set on a gender?

32 replies

mrsdaisaku · 03/08/2012 15:26

So because I am expecting twins I've been having scans every two weeks since I was 10weeks (now 18weeks). At 14weeks the sonographer said she thought they were probably identical boys, this was exactly the news my husband and I were hoping for. But at this weeks scan she's changed her mind and now thinks they're girls, she didn't say how certain she was, so I don't want to get disheartened. However, is it bad that I really don't want anymore girls? (My husband and I have three between us). So long as they're healthy thats all that matters...right?

I know I won't love them any less... But I really want a couple of boys toddling around the place. I feel so guilty for feeling this way

OP posts:

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Dogsmom · 03/08/2012 16:17

I totally understand as my husband & I feel the same way but would like a girl, my brother has 2 boys, my husband has a boy from a previous marriage and my cousins have had 8 boys between them!

I don't think there's anything we can do to stop the guilty feeling, we know we'll love them no matter what but I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting a particular sex.

I did the chinese gender predictor for a bit of fun the other night and when it came out girl I felt really chuffed then very guilty for feeling that way.

oscarwilde · 03/08/2012 16:20

No, you're not evil for thinking this. We really had no preference with my first and was really keen to have "one of each" with our second so we were both a little disappointed. Talk about the generation that thinks it can have what it wants!

You never know - it might all change again by 20 weeks :) My sister has twin boys though - be careful what you wish for !!

xmasevebundle · 03/08/2012 16:24

I think it might be because you have been told boys you want them.. its normal i feel the same everyone thinks im having a boy and i have even bought boy clothes im 19+4. i dont mind if i have a girl but i have called my bump ralph leo since 15w . Id maybe ask again when you have your next scan.. at 14w they cant really tell what gender for sure most likely to get a better view and more sure at the 20w scan

gardenpixies32 · 03/08/2012 16:39

I was convinced I was having twin boys. I was stunned when the sonographer said it was 2 girls (non ID so we had 3 combination possibilities). I was secretly over the moon and really wanted girls but didn't say this to anyone. My DP is the same (he really wanted girls too). We sometimes chat about how we would feel if one or both of them ended up being boys. Hard to explain, I know I would love them regardless of sex but a part of me feels like I would somehow be disappointed.

I think the PP is right, it is what you get your heart set on.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy. You will adore them no matter what gender they are :)

Treats · 03/08/2012 16:54

It's good to find out now so that you can prepare yourself. I understand exactly how you feel - I was so SURE my first would be a boy (which was what I wanted) that it took me a while to come to terms with the fact that she was a girl. Wouldn't change her for the world now........

But you might change your mind if you know for definite that they're girls. You'll start thinking about all the great things you can do with girls and be ready to welcome them when they arrive.

phoenixrose314 · 03/08/2012 17:54

Don't feel bad, I feel the same way - I desperately want my baby to be a little girl, and I know that I will feel disappointed if it turns out to be a boy.

For this exact reason, I wanted to find out the sex of the baby before it's born - just so I could have time to get used to the idea of a boy, bond with it without feeling the disappointment after a hard labour!!! However, DH really really doesn't want to know until after it pops out... so I have conceded that we will wait.

I am still really worried that I won't be able to bond with my baby if it turns out to be a boy. I have just always pictured my child as being a girl... Anyone else experienced this?

NellyBluth · 03/08/2012 18:00

I found out the sex of my baby for this exact reason, I knew if baby was a girl I would need a little time to get used to the idea. She was, and now I can't imagine having a baby boy, but I am glad I found out so I wasn't disappointed at her birth. I think its fine to feel this way, plenty of people do. The truth is it doesn't matter once the baby is here and it doesn't change how you feel about them when you meet them.

NellyBluth · 03/08/2012 18:02

And phoenix, I had those worries. I always pictured having boys. I was a tomboy, I have no idea how to cope with little girls! But as I said, now she is here it feels completely natural that I have a daughter.

SilkySmith · 03/08/2012 18:16

I cannot picuture my family with a daughter in it! I just cannot imagine it! it doesn't compute!

I already have a boy and thought 2nd time round I'ld care less about wanting a boy but I actually want a boy MORE this time. Having a boy feels so right, I only ever imagined my children as boys.

hay ho will find out soon....

AKMD · 03/08/2012 19:46

I think I would feel a bit off-balance if I had been told I was having a boy and then a few weeks later it changed to a girl prediction. If you were thinking about 'Tom and Jack' then that's who you were excited about, not 'Ella and Rose'. Will you have another scan to find out one way or the other?

MickeyTheShortOne · 03/08/2012 20:30

Oh I'm so glad I found this. Have really got my heart set on a little boy- absolutely no idea why, I just want a boy... And no chance now of finding out what we are having either!!!

oikopolis · 03/08/2012 22:01

I was told i was having a girl at 18 weeks.

cue random growth scan at 32 weeks -- and lo and behold, they were wrong. this is DEFINITELY a boy. i am so grateful that i had that scan, because i was SO SHOCKED after 14 weeks of completely accepting one sex. i actually burst into tears/laughter out of pure shock.

i would have fainted in the delivery room if that had been the first i'd found out. honestly so shocking.

my advice... don't get your heart set either way... they are wrong sometimes! twins in particular v difficult due to less space/smaller babies!

MrsHuxtable · 03/08/2012 22:13

I totally get it. I had my heart set on a girl and got one. Now, I've gone off boys altogether and pray that no 2 will also be a girl. I know it's not nice to think that way but I can't help it.

NoComet · 03/08/2012 22:32

DH and I really wanted a girl (totally couldn't see DH at football practice).

Second time I tried to pretend I didn't are, but DD2 was exactly what I wanted.

They are so different, I can't think one of each would give much more variety.

NoComet · 03/08/2012 22:33

Mind you DD2 has been known to play football for her primary

TodaysAGoodDayForTeamGB · 03/08/2012 22:35

Don't feel bad, many pregnant women have hopes for one sex or the other. I desperately wanted a girl, DS turned up and I wouldn't change him for the world. They will be such individuals, they will give a lot of happiness to you and your partner, just see what happens. Good luck.

PuffPants · 03/08/2012 22:39

You can help it Mrs Huxtable, if you try.

A quick look at the pregnancy loss boards might help you regain a sense of perspective OP. Some women just pray their babies will live and couldn't care less about gender

tethersphotofinish · 03/08/2012 23:08

Knowing that doesn't make the feelings disappear, Puff- it increases the guilt at feeling them.

I wanted DD1 to be a boy so badly; I had antenatal depression and counselling. Interestingly, the counsellor told me that she worked with many women who had conceived through IVF after losses, and had held on to the dream of a baby of a particular gender for so long, that they really struggled to find out they were carrying a healthy child of the opposite gender.

Of course, DD1 came and I loved her completely.

It took a while to be ok with the idea of having two DDs, and when we were, we tried for another- and got DD2 (now 11 wks) who is sitting on my lap smiling in her sleep

SilkySmith · 03/08/2012 23:11

oh for god's sake puff noone's saying they'ld rather have a dead baby than a boy/girl! everyone wants their baby to be fit and well, whether they have gender concerns or not! there's no correlation! not having a preference doesn't make your baby more likely to live/be healthy!

oikopolis · 03/08/2012 23:26

even mums whose babies have extreme health challenges sometimes feel a hankering after a particular gender. it happens you know. you can't guilt-trip women into not feeling it Puff

OP there's nothing wrong with having a pref. the fact is, once babe is here, that all melts away and you get to know them-for-them in any case. don't waste energy on feeling guilty about your feelings, as my DH says, it's not your feelings during pg that matter, it's how well you commit to loving the child you get.

in any case the preference usually has more to do with YOU and your identity/unconscious motivations/past history, it actually has little to do with the baby iyswim.

SilkySmith · 03/08/2012 23:30

I think for me my preferece is to do with me having wobbles about my ability to parent, I feel more confident with boys, either my own boy or other people's boys. I worry that I wont be a good parent to a daughter as I don't get on as well when it comes to entertaining the little girls I know!

Also I'm terrified about loads of feminism pit falls with girls, the sexual pressure they'll feel because of the availability of porn these days... all of that!

phoenixrose314 · 04/08/2012 05:35

Puff I've had three miscarriages, one I lost really late, so I know how it feels to have dreams shattered. I've finally got a sticky one, and despite just being thankful to have any baby at all after all the doctors said it would never happen - I can't help but still really want a girl. ESPECIALLY knowing this is probably my only shot at a healthy happy baby.

Yes I feel terrible for feeling that way, of course I do, but it's hard to change the picture you've had in your head of what your child would look like for the last 13 years.

Original poster

mrsdaisaku · 04/08/2012 14:58

pheonix Thankyou for posting up, this must be particularly tough for you. I don't think it's something you can control. And absolutely we will all love our babies no matter what the gender. But when you do have a very strong picture of what you 'want', then its hard to erase that and imagine a different picture. That makes the guilt stronger. I wish you all the best for a happy and healthy baby at the end of it. I would love to know when you've had the baby.

The responses have definitely helped to make me feel more human and less 'alien' in my thinking. There will be more scans to come for me to find out one way or the other, but isn't it shocking how often mistakes are made with gender as oik has experienced first hand. Anything can happen I suppose...

puff I'm sorry you feel the way you do, it definitely increases my guilt to think of other mothers who have lost their children. Its not something I have gone out of my way to feel and want to just be happy with having two healthy babies, I know to have twins is truly a blessing.

OP posts:

FriendofDorothy · 04/08/2012 21:34

I had my 20 week scan this week. I hoped I was having a girl but I am very clearly having a boy. I have moments of feeling a little disappointed and then remember that this baby is very healthy and very wanted and I probably need to get over myself! It doesn't stop me having flashes of what might be, and instead I am having to reframe what I thought might be, but that is ok too.

Having taken nearly 2 years to conceive I am so aware than I was critical of people who vocalise what I am saying, but I have also realised that it is quite honest.

AKMD · 05/08/2012 08:46

SIL had years of multiple miscarriages and fertility problems. She desperately wanted a girl and at the 20 week scan of a healthy pregnancy cried because the baby was a boy.

One of the first questions people have asked me in both pregnancies has been whether I was hoping for a boy or a girl. It is completely normal to have an idea one way or the other and it's only on MN that I've seen people being sniffy about it.

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