Visitors - a bit of a rant I'm afraid

[CharleyAB]

Hi all,

I am only 16 weeks but already stressing about people visiting me in hospital after I have the baby. To be specific, the MIL.

I can imagine I'll be exhausted, stressed and over protective, wanting to be with my little bundle of joy and not let go, wanting to have a go at feeding and of course bonding.

The last thing I want is someone barging in, taking the baby away and then completely ignoring me and focusing on how wonderful and clever their son is for having another child (it?s my first but his 3rd). I'll be ignored as I'm just an incubator keeping their newest family member nourished etc. so as soon as the baby is born I'll be surplus to requirement and go back to my usual place as disliked girlfriend to their son. (I?m not jealous even though I might sound like I am).

I'm also concerned that once we are home they will want to come over all the time and interfere with everything, our baby and their upbringing. Yes they have 3 children and another 4 grand children, but I want to learn for myself about how to do things.

What makes it worse is that the bf thinks it is fine for them to all wait as close to the labour ward as possible and come in and visit as soon as the baby is out. This I feel puts me under pressure to perform quickly so not to keep them waiting for too long.

I have tried to explain that I might be home within 2-4 hours after having the baby so there is no need to visit and it would be better to go to our home to wait for us but the bf thinks I'm being unreasonable.

What can I do? Have you been in this position? What did you do?

Any advice would be appreciated, I am sorry to rant but I'm just so stressed about this.

C x

I'm maybe not the best person to give advice as I'm only just over 6 weeks with my first, but I already know that what I want to happen I will just tell people.

Why on earth would people be waiting in the hospital for you to give birth apart from your dh? . If I were you I would say, "MIL, do not come to the hospital, dh will let you know when I am ready for visitors".

I'm assuming you and MIL don't see eye to eye?

Make your feelings clear to your DH and then leave it to him to ensure that his family know the boundaries. Don't tell them that you're in labour either.

I would just say though that when I had DC1 I actually preferred people visiting at hospital to home visits as they are so strictly controlled. Two visitors at a time, there are other people waiting so no long visits, short visiting hour windows and you are in a hospital bed in your nightie, so no pressure to act as hostess or look good.

I'm with AKMD - I quite liked visitors in hospital, but I was in for 3-4 days both times so it broke the days up a bit. They were only allowed to stay for an hour and then the midwives sent them home!! :) Much easier than coming to your house.

That said, I'm not sure I would have felt the same if only in for 24 hours.

Check with the hospital re visiting hours, mine has just changed to 6.30-8.00pm two to a bed and no one under 16, I'm really relieved to be honest, I've been stressing about the visitor thing too and have already had the conversation with my bf that I don't want anyone unannounced and I've decided I'm just going to have to be seen as rude if people want to come round and it's not a good time, it is a really difficult position to be in.

In my hospital, there aren't any waiting rooms in the delivery suite or MLU, so visitors/supporters etc are actively discouraged - only up to 2 birthing partners allowed.

I would speak to your Bf and get him onside. He's done it before, he must remember how hard work it is (they don't call it labour for nothing...) and how you'll all want some private family time.

My DP has told his family in no uncertain terms that they are not to visit in hospitsl unless I have to stay in longer than expected (I might need a CS) and no visitors on our first day at home.

That all came from him because he knows what they are like. Whether it happens that way is a different story.

I think you need to remind DH that this is your first baby and you need to feel relaxed. Its about you first and foremost. Put your foot down!

Congrats by the way :)

Oh dear. I assume that you haven't just let your imagination and anxieties run away with you and this version of events is based on your past experience of his family and their voiced expectations of your baby's birth. You poor thing having this to stress about at 16 weeks - rant away!

Focus on getting your DP on side. He needs to appreciate that as exciting as the new baby is, that during labour, birth and after birth bonding it is vital that the mother is as comfortable and unstressed as possible because these processes are affected by the hormones in your body. This is the one time that things really are all about you (and your new baby). If he isn't willing to stand up to his parents on your behalf then you maybe need to consider whether you want him there either.

It is unreasonable for them to ambush you so soon after birth and you have every right to refuse. So soon after the birth of your baby you should be focusing on bonding with and feeding your baby and recovering from the birth. You shouldn't have to be fending off relatives.

Its probably better that this is sorted out sooner rather than later. I also wouldn't necessarily tell them they can wait at your house for you either - blooming stressful. Make it clear that you will invite them to visit when you and baby are ready for visitors and they won't be admitted either to the hospital ward or your home until then.

If this is the way the mother of his previous children was treated, its no wonder she's not his current partner. His job is to protect his partner and new baby at a time when they need peace and togetherness.

Speak to your midwife and see if she can explain to your partner how unreasonable this would be. If worst comes to worst you should be able to tell your HCP on the day that you do not wish to have any visitors. Though persistant relatives have been known to sneak past security according to stories on mumsnet...

My DH will be my birth partner, the only other person I would consider having so soon after birth would be my own mum, and even then probably not immediately, I want some time with the three of us just as a family. If everything goes to plan we'll get transferred back from the big hospital to the little MLU in my town, and we'll invite family to visit us there as we feel ready for it.

Hope you can get this sorted. Try asking on the relationships forum for advice about how to tackle your partner and his family, they often have great advice on toxic family relationships.

In the main though, I'd treat this as if you believe it is totally your decision (because it is!) and repeat that you will tell people when you have recovered enough to recieve visitors. You also don't need to pass your baby away to every relative that comes to visit, the excuse of needing to have the baby close to breastfeed is useful here although you don't need an excuse.

Do they intend to come to the hospital for your labour if it begins at 3am?!

If this is really bothering you then discuss it with your midwife. Midwives are meant to be your advocates and that includes protecting you from unwelcome visitors and they usually have some clever ways to do it.

Luckily, my PIL would never do this and both they and my parents live over 3 hours drive, so good and bad :) I saw your situation with my sister though so you have my sympathies.

I can't believe how many threads there are on this topic and think it's a disgrace. You have physically and mentally just gone through a whole range of emotions and then have to worry about who wants to race to see baby first whilst you're in hospital or first few days at home!! I say, if thats not what you want, don't get stressed and just be assertive about what will and won't be happening.

She who carries baby for 9 months and gives birth gets to decide :)

I imagine MIL has ideas of how visits are going to work, but I'm the most important person since I'm the one housing her grandchild. I've been handling it by saying to DP "I don't want any visitors in the hospital". I actually mean "I don't want your mother in the hospital" but he doesn't get defensive because I'm not insulting his family. He says MIL is excited because it's the first baby in the family for 18 years, but I think it's just his mum doesn't understand boundaries. She's the only person I know who actually has to be asked to leave rather than taking the hint with a big yawn, saying I'm so tired and I need to get to bed because I have to be up in the morning. I'm having a 9pm closing time once baby is here.
Make the rules and stick to them, the midwives will refuse entry to anyone you say, or make clear there are no guests at all. Once your home if you don't want to see someone then go upstairs and feed. Babies need loads of quiet time with just mum don't you know! It's one of the times you can get away with being quite rude, you'll have one priority and don't need extra stresses or worries on top of that.
Good luck.

It really does surprise me how people think birthing is some sort of spectator sport! My brother seemed to think he would be waiting at the hospital so he could 'help take pics of you three together'. Err jog on! I actually dont want any pics immediately after the birth when I look and feel like shit thanks! It's soaps that make people think this is normal behaviour, all decamping to hospital when waters go.
Had to be quite rude in the end but think they all have the message now. (and if not will happily tell them all where to go if they turn up)

Tell them you've spoken to your midwife and there are no visitors/family aloud except your birthing partner and if they turn up at the hospital they will be turned away. Who wants to sit in a hospital corridor for hours on end anyway!? If it's your first you could be in labour for 16hrs if not more!

In my experience my visitors at home were few and far between and no one stayed for too long, however you could unplug the house phone and 'mislay' your partners phone charger so if family ring to ask if they can come round they can't get hold of you and failing that go hide upstairs to rest/breastfeed. They'll get the hint hopefully!

I really would try to explain your feelings/worries to ur other half tho and explain u want and need time alone after the birth to recover and get ur head around being a mum, I was in shock for a few days I think!

Thank you for your support on this and advice.
I have been trying to talk to my bf about this recently. His reaction was to sleep on the sofa to give me space. I keep telling him it's not space from him that I want.

He also takes the no visitors rule as an attack on his family. He is happy for them to wait at the hospital for me to perform and will probably be the one wrestling baby from my arms to pass to his mum

Just don't tell her you're at the hospital? Or at home, just give yourself time then tell them when you're settled.

Only my friend who had ds1 knew we were at hospital and I didn't let anyone else visit as he was quite poorly so we said no visitors were allowed until he was out of scbu but gave us a couple of days peace.

Best to put your foot down now than feel bad when they take over.

You would need your dp's help though not him encouraging them.

Your DP sounds charming

I would tell them that the baby will still be there a day, 2 days, a week after the birth. What's the rush?

Be straight with DP. You are not attacking his family. You are also looking forward to showing off your baby, but, you need time to recover first for your health, and you need to get feeding and bonding off to the best start for the health of your baby. Tell him how precious that time with just the 3 of you will be.

If he's still being a dick not convinced tell the midwife and the hospital staff won't let them in!

You don't have to tell his parent's that you are in labour. I would make this clear to DP that he is also not to tell until you are ready. If he did it anyway, tbh I wouldn't want him at the birth. You need to be able to trust your partner.

Speak to your midwife, I bet they see this all the time and will be able to advise x

I think its sometimes hard for partners to get where their pg wife/gf is coming from during pg especially as we can be hormonal. We start thinking about things way in advance, wanting to discuss things, to come up with a 'plan' together. I think men, very often, just want to come up with an 'answer'.

The trouble is, here, your DP has been through this twice before, & should have a vague idea of how hard it can be, whilst you haven't got a clue (as it were), so unless his ex had champagne cork births & didn't care about bonding/bfeeding her baby, so he really doesn't have a clue, he shouldn't be pushing you to do anything straight after birth.

Def talk to your MW and find out ways you can tackle this issue with DP. You have time though, as its still early days in your pg relatively, so don't panic. I would say, too, that pg & babies do tend to show up difference in family relationships, so its not uncommon!!

Oh I really feel for you. Tbh though it sounds like the problem is more with the bf and not the in laws? I really would try to tackle that head on sooner rather than later. You are the important one and shouldn't be made to feel isolated. He should act as gatekeeper but sounds like he is not at all supportive of your wishes. Sorry to be blunt but it sounds like you really need to sit down with him and have a rational discussion of what you want and do and don't feel comfortable with otherwise it's a recipient for disaster. Good luck!

Could it also be that he still feels he needs his parent's support? I find DH and I very different in this respect. I am a very independent and private person, while DH will inform his parents on every little thing. For example, our washing machine broke down on sunday and the first thing DH did was call his Dad. Why, I do not know. His Dad knows nothing about fixing washing machines and there was not a thing they could do to help. It's like his default reaction is still to expect mummy and daddy to look after him and resolve all his problems. He doesn't realise he is doing it. I have had to point out several times not to share my personal business with his parents (money and such). That we are competent and capable adults now and more than capable of phoning the washing machine repar man ourselves .

I kind of feel sad for him. His parents our very loving but they kill him with kindness. It took me to point out that he can do things without them and I realised at that point how little confidence he had in his own abilities.

I may be way off but is you DP like this? Maybe he needs telling that he can support you through birth without his parents being there. That he can say no to them without hurting them. He is the Dad now, he doesn't need his own there anymore, that's his role.

Does any of that make sense, I feel like I'm waffling?!

Charly

Dont want to make you more stressed but one reason I have been granted - with no hassle an elective c section this time round - is because of the comments and interferance I got from my PILS after the birth that made me feel totally out of control.

rushing in - " ohhh nooo she looks like you"
I hated them holding the baby at our house - it was all awful.

she held the baby at our house and said " now...when you come to MY house, I will give you DECENT food. "

These are small things....they went alot further than this causing in the end a huge huge rift that hasnt healed 4.5 years later which is quite good actaullly!

Had my own mother been alive to balance things out the damage wouldnt have ben quite so severe.

the problem now - is i dont see them - great - i would never be freinds with them had i met them in any other kind of situ - i dont like them or thier values -

however whilst i now dont give two hoots about how they feel ( i used too), what i cant get back is those few days with my baby!

its the most precious time in the ENTIRE world....you want to look back at that magic....not feel so sad like i do that they ruined i t- but i have myself to blame for that i was naive....i let them.

this time they dont even know i am pregnant and they wont come anywhere near us!

if your dp isnt sympathetic and doesnt understand i am not sure how arguing with him will help you....

i think someone else suggested perhaps a third party like a MW talking to him and making sure you as the mother - are the primary person here and he must put your needs above that of his family.

if he doesnt have the faculties right now to help and understand you - he isnt going to suddenly develop them. A third party however would perhaps lend the problem the gravity it needs and get through to him more than you.

FWIW i did try for over 6 years to have some sort of relationship with my PIL, to absoluty no avail, they still didnt like me and a good firned of thiers told me recntly they drive her mad too....why did i bother!

You dont have to have visitors in hospital!Tell them you dont want anyone to come until you are home,you might not be in very long anyway.

not even at home - tell them to simply back off and wait for you to call.

I have sort of been there. MIL passed away before DD was born and FIL is not interested but my goodness are their parents!!! It's lovely that DD has such wonderful great grandparents but they also wanted to be there right away. As it happened I went into labour at 10pm one night and DD was born at 11pm the following night so there were no visiting hours. They simply couldn't be there and by the time the MW's had finished doing everything that they'd needed to do with me over the course of the following day when they did decend at about 5pm I didn't mind. It was nice to see them and for them to have a cuddle and I didn't even bother getting out of bed.

Go onto your hospital website and print off the visiting hours to show to your DP, then explain that you're sure that they didn't come up with said hours just to offend his family.

I realise that everyone on here is advising you deal with the now and I'd be inclined to say the same however I also think that some things have a tendancy to go away in time. Show him the visiting hours and it is likely that they won't be allowed in when you give birth anyway. You could always put in your birth plan that you don't want visitors, or give instructions to the staff not to let anyone in, or even feign sleep? If you are sleeping will they really barge in? If they try to wake you up you can just say that you feel exhausted and would just like to sleep.

I think that because there is some tension between you all anyway (which your DP probably finds hard) he won't understand why you feel the way you do. However you'll need to compromise, if his family aren't allowed then your family aren't allowed.

Do note that visits also extend to house visits months later and you will be inundated so you need to develop a thick skin and say no if it's not what you want....I am still trying to do this with certain people!