Visitors - a bit of a rant I'm afraid

[CharleyAB]

Hi all,

I am only 16 weeks but already stressing about people visiting me in hospital after I have the baby. To be specific, the MIL.

I can imagine I'll be exhausted, stressed and over protective, wanting to be with my little bundle of joy and not let go, wanting to have a go at feeding and of course bonding.

The last thing I want is someone barging in, taking the baby away and then completely ignoring me and focusing on how wonderful and clever their son is for having another child (it?s my first but his 3rd). I'll be ignored as I'm just an incubator keeping their newest family member nourished etc. so as soon as the baby is born I'll be surplus to requirement and go back to my usual place as disliked girlfriend to their son. (I?m not jealous even though I might sound like I am).

I'm also concerned that once we are home they will want to come over all the time and interfere with everything, our baby and their upbringing. Yes they have 3 children and another 4 grand children, but I want to learn for myself about how to do things.

What makes it worse is that the bf thinks it is fine for them to all wait as close to the labour ward as possible and come in and visit as soon as the baby is out. This I feel puts me under pressure to perform quickly so not to keep them waiting for too long.

I have tried to explain that I might be home within 2-4 hours after having the baby so there is no need to visit and it would be better to go to our home to wait for us but the bf thinks I'm being unreasonable.

What can I do? Have you been in this position? What did you do?

Any advice would be appreciated, I am sorry to rant but I'm just so stressed about this.

C x

DO NOT make any visiting rules/arrangements/agreements in advance. You DO NOT KNOW HOW YOU'LL FEEL one way or the other!

I told everyone while pregnant we'ld want to settle in at home before they visited. I ended up in hospital for DAYS desperate for visitors to "barge in" and bring a bit of the outside world with them! Most of them respected our original request and stayed away untill over a week after we got home, in my post natal state I felt like they were rejecting my baby , even though people were actually desperate to visit but were afraid to because I'ld been so insistant during pregnancy that we'ld want time to ourselves first!

I see how hard you also fond your dp . Mine is the same hun his family want to come round they will an he won't tell me they jus turn up at the bloody door! In 36 weeks preg and his sister left her 2 bloody kids with us all day till 9pm ! Without consulting me first so u can imagine what it will b like when I have baby. Thing is it's hard because you want him at the birth an you want to be left alone but you need to also not upset him over it as u need his support. Can you write in your birth plan "no visitors " and then they may well turn visitors away for you? That's what I was going to do but then I want my mum to bring my two other children in. Or specify which visitors perhaps? Men are so bloody selfish and childish but there must be a way around it?

Cheeky the staff on post natal wards do not have the time or man power to police visitors!

Cherie I don't know what it's like at your local hospital but ours has a buzzer on the door, and if they don't know who you are, then you ain't coming in!

Our hopital wouldnt let visitors on the ward without prior consent. 2 visitors maximum per 2 hour visiting time, there is no way past the receptionist if she says no due to magnetic door, then buzzer and camera on the door of the ward too.
Don't spend your pregnancy worrying about it, you need to spend this time enjoying it, I didn't want visitors but the once I had him I was desperate to show him off. You don't know how you may feel, but your the Mother and if your MIL is going to disrespect your feelings you need to tell her to leave when you want her too.

I didn't give mine any sort of list but had visitors. HCAs popped their heads round to check I was decent and ready for visitors but by then they were already on the ward standing outside the door of the bay

I guess they all have different policies.

lizzywig

"However you'll need to compromise, if his family aren't allowed then your family aren't allowed."

Thats not fair at all - if his parents really make op feels how she expressed why should her parents have to suffer because they are so nasty and un reasonable?

Why should op suffer even further - with the current unpleasant situ - then also not allowed to have her own family if she wants simply because these others are so horrid?

memphis83

"but your the Mother and if your MIL is going to disrespect your feelings you need to tell her to leave when you want her too."

MUCH easier said than done, after a labour which we dont know how will end up - but def will be tired and emotional! With others there perhaps - dont know what she will come out with and will be there for the rest of her life and something else to feel upset and bitter about?

If MIL cant reach out to op - respect her - make her feel like a bit more than an incubator and basically MAKE A BLOODY effort with her - why on gods earth should this op - as a brand new mother risk this MIL?

Tough crap on MIL - shape up or shove off.

I would feel very brazen myself bursting into this moment if I treated op like this .....I would either start to try and make and efffort to get on with op - or be resigned to taking a back seat.

Oh I thought u could specify if u wanted visitors ?

for me you could specify on the labour ward, but on the baby ward they just gave the name of the woman they're visiting and if that was a real name on the ward at the time they were buzzed in

Frou - if they try this with me they will be told where to go! Why on god's good earth would anyone want to visit anyone who had requested no visitors?! It's beyond me!

Thank you all so much. The bf has told me I have to make amends with the mil - i have to do all the running and even have to apologise to her!!!
I agree there is no point in trying to explain anymore. Just prob best to get the midwife to talk to him instead and put the no visitors rule in place. I fear we Will split over this as his family as so important to him. More important than me and the baby. We only moved in together on thurs and already wondering how I will pay rent on my own. I think it will just b easier to do all on my own.

He is being incredibly selfish by not acknowledging your worries and feelings. It's absolutely fine to say you won't want anyone visiting at the hospital straight away. You will be in shock, elated, overwhelmed, exhausted, sore (I hope not) but you will also feel extremely vulnerable.
Could you not get him to agree to a compromise? A phone call to let them know baby has been born fine, a text picture and then you can decide whether you want visitors? and when?
I'm on my first so can't offer personal experience but my friends who've got children said they ranged from wanting to be left entirely alone to wanting to show their new little bundle off.
I too am worried about my PIL. I am considered a sacred vessel with no voice or importance and I know how frustrating and hurtful it is. They are also rather claustrophobic and domineering and pay no attention to any personal boundaries whatsoever.
I'm dropping hints to husband such as, 'I welcome people visiting for SHORT periods but I'd prefer upstairs to be out of bounds whilst I get used to feeding etc.' I doubt the in laws will pay attention but I'm hoping OH will. He will get a rocket up him if he doesn't. Plus when the whole birthing thing kicks off I'm having the answer phone switched to X and X are bringing a baby right now, they will get back to you and then demanding all phones to be turned OFF. If this doesn't happen I shall be dropping them into my birth pool.
I have also said I want time to ourselves as a family to bond for a couple of days before people descend on us too, and it will be invitation only.

Charley jus play it down now hun, put in your notes no visitors you don't need to tell him plus with my first I had her at 6 in the morning and was home after 5 hours so we couldn't have had visitors anyway we didn't even get a photo done by the photographer that comes round. If you have a straightforward birth u may jus go home after a few hours if you wish too x

sorry you feel that way CharleyAB, but you do deserve a supportive partner and I don't like the way he makes out you are in the wrong for wanting something completely normal.

Rent is just details, do what's best for YOU.

I'm sorry - I haven't read all the posts so apologies in advance if I repeat anything.

But my god, just tell them to F off! (As politely as possible)
Why is your DP even considering having them there the second you give birth, why can he not try and understand how you feel instead of calling you unreasonable?! I mean it in the nicest way possible, but you need to stand up for yourself and make your feelings very, very clear or you'll regret not doing it. You should be able to have your baby comfortably, in the surroundings you want, and not feel rushed (!!)

Childbirth is not something people should just barge in on, it is such a personal time, and as that baby's mother and the person who has to go through this huge experience, you should have the final say in who's there or not.

If I were you I would firmly stand my ground, and if anyone argued with me they'd regret doing it! Then again maybe that's just me

I'm pregnant with my second and won't be having anyone visit for at least a week afterwards, just like when I had my first.

Just do what you feel is right for you, no one else, as they're not the ones having the baby!

My in-laws visited 1 and a half hours after my first was born and the morning after my second was born (1am was a bit too early...) - I thought nothing of it to be honest - they wanted to see the little one, I was tired, they got me a cup of tea and arranged for some toast, hubby regaled them with tales of the birth and they held "entertained" the baby whilst I had a shower. Yes I had the "friendly advice" and all to go through, but hey-ho they are my girls' grandparents and I have a brain and can selectively ignore.....

I loved having them there.....

You mean child birth isn't a spectator sport that all the family can get involved in?

Oh you poor thing, it doesn't sound great. In your heart of hopefully not too hormonal hearts you know what's best. Do what is best for you and the baby, don't let rent worries stop you if you feel it's the right thing to do. I hope you have good friends and family nearby. FWIW as you paint it it does sound insurmountable, I really hope it's the hormones and he comes good for you but don't take any s!*t!

ByTheWay1

you obvioulsy dont have a huge problem with your in laws.

Purplecatti

do be very careful, Dh having a rocket up his arse AFTER the event isnt much use...GP do seem to go mad with the first...i wish i had done more to protect my first time...i did say no one around at the house when we got back but they were still here - interfering, rude nad nasty comments from MIL, it all descended very rapidly into a huge rift, i dont speak to them now due to what happened at DD1 birth. And I am not telling them about DD2.

OP

Your DP sounds very un sympathetic - he will not change.

Try not to argue with him as frustrating as it is - you are hormonal and arguing and stress isnt good for the baby.

at the very least - try and get MW to speak to him, tell her your fears, or perhaps relate? he moght not even listen to a third party but at least you are saving yourself stress.

I felt exactly the same when I was pg with DD (now 8mo). Mine and DP's parents are both separated and I was worrying about logistics of having them all trying to turn up at the same time and combined with the fact that this was MY (and DPs) baby and we wanted to have at least a few hours on our own.

My Dad was talking about getting a hotel near the hospital and I was worrying that he'd want to come over every day for the first few days and I knew my Mum would be here and how was that going to work... DP's mum and dad live up north and I don't get on with FIL (strange man!!)

In the end, it was completely different! I was induced early (my induction took a week and ended with EMCS). My mum was at the hospital when they took me to theatre and they let her wait in recovery. DD was born, DP and I cuddled her for a while and DP took her out to meet my mum. I was taken to post-natal ward for the rest of the night. DP came back first thing in the morning and other visitors can't come until after 2pm. My mum came back in for a few hours. DPs Mum came down the following day. My Dad didn't cone up until DD was a week old. FIL (in typical 'strange man' fashion) came on the day we were discharged. We'd been home for 1/2 hour when they turned up. Not happy at all!

It just worked out. All the things I was worrying about didn't happen.

If you stay on ward, visitors will be restricted between certain hours and you can only have max of 2 at bedside at any one time, usually including DP.

And don't be afraid to ask people to go if you're tired or trying to bf. Just say 'I'm really sorry but do you mind giving us half an hour...' and with any luck they'll say 'oh, of course, we should get going anyway...'

Hope it goes well. Try not to worry about it right now. Chances are things will just be different to how you thought they'd be.