Upset by friend's comment Re: weight gain (long)

[Snowboarder]

I met me friend for a drink last week. We have known each other since primary school and I thought we are quite good friends. She has always struggled a bit with her weight (by her own admission) and is currently following Weightwatchers very closely to prepare for her wedding.

She looks fab and I always complement her on any weight loss/ new hair style/ clothes - I wouldn't dream of commenting on a weight gain and I always try and make her feel good about herself. I have always been naturally a bit smaller, although like most women have had some fluctuations in weight.

I'm 34+ weeks pregnant now with DS2 (a big baby) and am struggling as I am not allowed to exercise (high risk pg) and have quite bad water retention (even in my vagina ). Despite this, I don't think I have gained too much weight that is not baby or water but naturally I'm still not feeling at my best at the moment, looks wise. I only made it to 28 weeks in my last pg with DS1 so I'm feeling pretty big and looking forward to getting my body back in a few weeks.

Her first comment to me as I walked in the bar was "oh my god, you are MASSIVE". I laughed it off but secretly felt hurt that she needed to be so forthright, especially since there were people sat around who could overhear. In the course of our conversation she kept coming back to my 'size' and I explained that I am unable to exercise and also have some pretty bad swelling. I discreetly showed her that I am having to wear a support sock on my left leg as it's so swollen and she actually looked gleeful which took me aback. As she got up to go to get a drink she then said "shift your water balloons" quite loudly in reference to my legs. It was pretty embarrassing.

The next day I put a status on Facebook along the lines of "I now realise I didn't miss out on anything when I had DS1 12 weeks early" and she commented: "but you look so fetching in your support tights with your water balloon legs."

I don't know if I'm just being sensitive but I felt mortified. I can't help but feel upset that someone I consider to be a good friend would be so openly thrilled that I am big and uncomfortable. I am not a petty person but I am tempted to store some of these comments for when it's her 'turn' to be huge and pregnant.

Can't you just tell her that she's being horribly insensitive and you don't appreciate her making such hurtful comments.

I would have walked out.

What a cow! She doesn't sound much of a friend to me

No you are not being sensitive those were really mean things to say, even if you have been friends for ever.

It amazes me how people think it is OK to pass comment on your weight as though you are some kind of show pony. I've had a couple of comments recently about my weight gain/lack of weight gain but I would NEVER comment on someone else's weight. Regardless of their situation.

She may feel smug now about making you feel bad but you can feel smug forever knowing you are a nice person and would never do that to someone else.

Chin up

Tell her to sod off.

Almost I did write on FB 'thanks for sharing that with the whole of FB, I do like so maintain SOME allure :-(' and she removed her comment. I can't help but think she was trying to publicly embarrass me, although I wonder if I'm just being oversensitive and hormonal?

Thanks Scoose , I always assumed we were good friends which is why it took me aback. I have been upset ever since and feeling quite bad about myself. I know I am big (I am almost 9 mo pg FFS!) but I don't really need it lording over me either. I don't know why she'd be so gleeful about it when I've always been nice to her.

Mean cow.

I would say 'at least I am huge because I am pregnant, what's your excuse Moby Dick?'

(I wouldn't really.)

I have never had problems with my weight, and carried quite small in both my pregnancies.

All my ex-colleagues who did diet / WW / deny themselves biscuits etc. went on and on and on about my size, e.g. 'oh no you look fat from the back now too', 'bloody hell is it a baby elephant etc. etc.' They absolutely LOVED that I was bigger than I had been before.

I should have said 'my arse is still considerably smaller than yours even though I'm pregnant' but actually I just didn't say anything in case I cried. When I went back to work (size 8) somebody from another dept. said how slim I looked, one of the evil colleagues said 'let's face it, she's still bigger than she was before though'.

What annoys me is that I still remember every single one of those negative comments. So don't be like me and don't give her this power over you.

Say ' I don't like it when you comment on my size - I don't do it to you, so don't do it to me'.

You are NOT being sensitive - she is being really awful.

I'm guilty of telling people they're massive when they're heavily pregnant, it is quite often the first thing out of my mouth but I don't mean, look how fat you are...I mean, look at that whole person you're growing there, isn't that amazing!

Calling your legs water balloons is something else though, my poor friends put up with many tactless things from me, lol and even I wouldn't say something like that, that's just insulting.

She is being awful and I sympathise BUT I wonder if it's just awkwardness on her part, especially as she's used to being uncomfortable with her own size. Maybe she misinterpreted you laughing off her first comment as you being ok talking about - even making light of - your weight gain?

Thanks, you're all making me feel a bit better. It's true that I'm massive compared to normal (it's all relative at the end of the day I suppose) but surely I'm MEANT to be?

Is it wrong that I've spent the past two days fantasising about giving myself a post baby makeover so that I can rock up to her wedding looking stunning? Obviously I don't intend to overshadow the bride (I won't wear my wedding dress or anything!) but just to make a point? I'd only have 3 months though and I don't really want to spend the first 3 months of my new baby's life worrying about how I look when I should be spending it MNing, eating cake, sitting on my bum BFing and bonding with him?

You can look stunning at her wedding and still eat cake you know.

Thanks Soo you might have a point, I DID laugh off her first comment after all. I was insulted but there were people sat around so I tried my best to look amused rather than devastated. Perhaps if I'd not hidden how I felt she might have reigned in some of her other comments?

HereIGo I know she has struggled with her weight in the past and it's been difficult for her, although she is by no means massive or unattractive and at the moment in particular she does look great. I think what bothers me most though is that I am always quick to say how fantastic she looks and to dish out the complements. I never expected such glee when I myself am struggling with my body image.

Pascha I am hoping that after having the baby I spend the next 2 weeks weeing and sweating out all of this water which I'm desperately telling myself accounts for the majority of my extra weight. Last time I lost weight pretty easily by EBF my DS1 so I hope the same will happen again and I also can't wait to get out with the pram too. I know it's vain but I just want to feel like 'me' again although before her comments I hadn't really given it much thought.

Hello - try not to worry:) I hate to admit it, but I would say you are taking it too much to heart. See it for what it could be............touch of the green eyed monster?? You've always been a bit smaller and like they say, every dog has it's day, even her. She must be enjoying seeing you bigger than you normally are. If it was because you have been eating too mcuh, fair enough, but you are carrying a baby and suffering with water retention, so you are bound to take it to heart. I Have a horse, and all the skinny minnies at the yard would comment on my massiveness every day, and although I didnt' enjoy being called massive, i really couldn't have given a shit. I know my belly and ankles were big because of something other than greed, so I brushed it off. Has she got kids? Wonder what she'll look like when she gets P? Oh, how you'll enjoy returning the compliments:)

At her wedding, have that makeover, it will be great to look and feel lovely:) I'm jealous!!!

Thanks AdiVic . She does not have any DC yet although I know she wants to try after the wedding. I would never dream of commenting on her weight whilst pregnant though as it's just so mean. Although she's done it to me I wouldn't want to make her feel bad about herself at such a special time in her life. I suppose I will just have to content myself with my makeover and trying to make myself feel good again.

Personally I would find your well meaning compliments irritating. Cant you both just drop the whole subject and talk about something interesting???

brettgirl well aren't you a ray of sunshine? I think you'd feel more at home in AIBU where you can be as arsey as you like.

It's not like we constantly bang on about how we look or anything but if she's wearing a nice top, or has had her hair cut in a way that really suits her, I will say so. I find it odd that you'd find that irritating.

Cheers QTPie I hope you're right. I think I will avoid saying anything to her about her comments unless it happens again, in which case I think I'll have to say something. I agree that there's few things as beautiful as a pregnant woman - but only when it's someone else!

Hi Snowboarder,
i don't think you are being overly sensitive - people think they can say what they like to pregnant women without upsetting them. rightly of wrongly i was really self concious during my first pregnancy and though i kept it to myself i was sometimes hurt by people always commenting on my size (when they commented on the babies size as in " wow the baby's had a growth spurt ididn't mind but things like - my god you're HUGE!!! i objected to).

anyway i was wondering - is your friend has always struggled with her weight and you have always been smaller maybe she has been envious of you and finally feels like you are on equal footing? this doesn't excuse her comments but might explain her sh**ty attitude. i think if it were me i would let it go until it happens again and then just let her know how much she's hurt your feelings, she might not even realise how mean she's being :(

Agree with the others that she is being very mean and insensitive. It sounds like this is the only time she's been 'smaller' than you and has felt size superior(although a bit odd you would compare yourself to a pregnant lady in that way.)

If that is the case, she clearly has some self esteem issues if the only way to feel good about herself is being mean to others.

You're growing a whole new person and I'm sure you look lovely for that reason alone :). You get to meet that new person soon which is v exciting and sure the weight will go so I know it's hard, but ignore it, she's the one with issues :)

As an ex-very fat person who has been a normal size for a while (until I got pregnant - argh!), I reckon she probably thinks of you as a thin friend who has no reason to worry about her weight. She also knows all your weight gain is pregnancy-related (and therefore not proper fatness) and probably has absolutely no idea you might be feeling fat or sensitive about it. If she is anything like me she probably feels so inferior to you in the weight stakes, she probably cannot imagine anything she says being upsetting - in her head she probably still thinks of herself as fat and you as thin, even if outwardly at the moment she's smaller. She probably is enjoying being thinner than you - especially if she's looking good cause of preparing for her wedding - but I think her comments are insensitive rather than deliberately mean and a product of her own insecurity. She's a good friend, so tell her she's hurt your feelings - calmly - and stop planning revenge fantasies. She'll probably be amazed you could possibly be worrying about how you look and you'll feel better getting it off your chest. I reckon she'll be mortified when she realises she's upset you. I could of course be completely wrong, but that's my two penneth.

I personally wouldn't of been offended, i would of laughed at the comment tbh, i am quite aware of how big i get in pregnancy, no point denying it, impossible to ignore the elephant i am gestating!

However, you are not being overly sensitive at all, she should of picked up on your first reaction when you met up, she is either being deliberatly nasty, or has tried to cheer you up a little by making tounge in cheek comments, only you know which it is, but since she removed her FB comment i would like to think she hadn't realised how you took it and now feels awful.

The safest thing for those with pregnant friends is to not mention any weight or size references, its such a dodgy area, especially with hormones a plenty.

My good friends often told me i was huge etc but i was pregnant and that is the only time it is ok to comment on somebody getting bigger. However if it wasnt a close/good friend then i would have been pissed off. \What im trying to say is she probably only said it because she is a good friend and was not trying to insult or upset you