Baby shower invite!

[slipslider]

I have been invited to a baby shower for my very best friend. Trouble is I am dead against them and refuse to go to anyones. I find them a bit of a rude way to expect gifts and am superstitious not to buy until I am sure of a healthy delivery. I went to my only one a few years ago begrudgingly and was asked where my gift was as I refuse to give gifts until the baby was born. It was all very awkward and I was made to feel bad for not buying anything. I had comments made about me and the mother in question looked disappointed I had not brought anything. I ended up leaving early much to the disgust of others but I couldn't bear the attitude any longer that I had been a crap friend and not bought anything!
I do appreciate that people want to celebrate their expected arrivals but I am unsure of what to do - do I politely refuse the invite as she is aware of my feelings or do I go and grin and bear it and be made to be the most selfish best friend by not buying anything?

I would go for my best friend and take a token gift

Do you have to "politely refuse"? Why don't you just find an excuse not to go? You know, like, "Oh, I'm accompanying x or y to an appointment that weekend?" or whatever.

It all sounds a bit bizarre to me in honesty, though I'm sure you've heard that before.

If she's your very best friend, then you really should go. Perhaps take a token gift for Mum (some nice body cream or something). If she's your best friend she'll understand that the baby gift will come after the birth.

If she's your best friend, she'd know how you feel about baby showers and won't expect you to come.

But personally I think not buying anything beforehand because of superstition about a 'healthy delivery' is bollocks, if everyone thought that then no-one would ever have anything ready for the baby and would be wrapping them in old towels until they could get to a shop.

I'm with rubberbandit if she's a good friend then perhaps get a pressie for mum and then when baby comes you can chose something you like. I got my sister a blanket (she was spending a lot of time hibernating on the sofa, feeling or being sick) and some bath stuff and then a pressie when the baby arrived.

I've been invited to a baby shower that actually has a gift list online (like wedding presents) which I found pretty surprising. I can't go to the baby shower itself but I bought a gift as she's American and therefore for her it's entirely normal!

BTW I'm not a fan of baby showers as such. I would love to invite friends over for a tea party but just to see my lovely friends and absolutely would not want cheesy games or want them to have to buy pressies. Just coming to chatter would be lovely.

I agree with you in that they're are horribly materialistic and tacky and would never have one myself.

BUT it's your friend's baby. It's not about you, it's about her. I'd go along personally and take a gift. It's not going to hurt you to do that but would hurt her if you didn't go. And not taking a gift 'until safe delivery of the baby' may upset her as it's a bit of a pessimistic way of looking at things and as far as she is concerned all will be well.

Be there for her. Just because it's not 'your thing' is not a good reason to not go.

I am dead against baby showers too. Just another American way of getting more presents. Not only are you expected to buy presents for the shower, you are then expected to get another present when the baby arrives. My friend had a shower before her son was born, so I called and said I wouldn't be coming but couldn't wait to meet the little one , when I turned up with a gift.

I am now 30 weeks pregnant, and have no desire to have a baby shower. I have told my friends that I would like to go out with them for a meal before the baby comes, but under no circumstance is this a baby shower. I just want to see my friends before I become a mum, as I doubt I will have much time after my baby arrives!

my friend has arranged one for me. i don't know of other is a shower as such as i have specifically said no gifts just want to see all my friends before she comes as they are all scattered over the country! gonna have a bbq and them that can drink have a few and just a gossip and catch up xmother had much chance to see anyone during pregnancy as not travelling all over to save money and my sanity!

I find it a bit peculiar that people are against the element of present giving at parties. People do it for their childrens' birthdays and even for grown-up birthdays or weddings, and I don't know many people who boycott those because they don't like being pressured to buy presents. Having a baby is a massive thing, an opportunity to celebrate that for a woman who's been getting fatter and more uncomfortable for 6+ months could surely never be a bad thing? (Speaking as someone who never had a baby shower by the way)

I think if you're really superstitious, I would agree with above posters who suggest getting a present for the mum though. Even if the baby isn't delivered healthy, the mum would still probably get some use out of a gift for her.

Don't know, I would find it worse on a superstitious level to refuse to buy something for a baby until it's safely entered the world. Why even consider it? Surely that could be seen to be "jinxing" the situation in equal measures to actually buying something for the baby?

I welcome all the comments and it has given me food for thought!

I am not against a catch up/meal etc for her but we do this regularly anyway as a group of friends! Also the gifts for mother is a pleasant idea but I already have spent an arm and a leg on her - she is having an extremely difficult pregnancy and so have treated her to quite a few things and am taking her on a weekend away to a cottage I hired to help her relax in a few weeks.

As for the superstition, she herself has said she will not count her chickens. She is one where everything health wise is an issue and so she is 'airing on the side of caution' shall we say until all fingers and toes are counted!

I know giving presents is a done things at parties where the celebration is a usual one - birthdays, christening etc. Baby showers are an adopted celebration. We celebrated when we found out, we will again when the baby is born.....so I kind of don't get why we need another one if its not just a catch up/meal etc.

I would go, and take a lovely pampery present for your best friend, or make some lovely cakes/nibbles. You could give a voucher for babysitting or meals once the baby is here.

If it was my very best friend then I would not want to miss out on a special occasion she had organised. I am not massively in favour of baby showers of the gift-grabbing variety, but have never even known someone having one let alone been invited.

I would just say 'sorry, can't make it, I'm already busy on that day'.

I hate the idea of baby showers. Very materialistic and grabby - where there is an expectation of presents - and an insidious American import that has no relevance in the UK.

I had a baby shower for my youngest baby. It wasn't tacky or grabby.
I didn't want or need or ask for any presents for the baby shower or when the baby arrived.

The gift lists are a bit rude. I would never do that.

It was just a good excuse to get everyone I care about together in one place at the same time to catch up and have some too many cakes and tea, wine for the non pregnant people :)

If someone close to me had one I would go if I wanted to or if I was dead against going just make a polite excuse, like already having plans that day.

I would never go to one and not take a gift just because I don't agree with buying baby things before the baby comes. No wonder people there thought that was rude, especially if you then left early because of it.

I don't understand how people can buy nothing for a baby until it arrives, how do you give birth then rush out to buy baths, prams, car seats, clothes, nappies and a million other things? Or do you stay at home and someone does it for you? (if so who - I want one of these people in my life!)

My mother in law would agree with you about not buying until baby is here safely but I started buying as soon as I had a postive pregnancy test, due to having to budget and buy things gradually and being a working mum of 4 not having time to do it all at once or with a very new baby.

I think my mum in law would almost blame me if something went wrong because I had bought stuff before which is shame, and that's not a good attitute to have really!

I'm also someone who had a baby shower and didn't think it was either tacky or grabby. It was a wonderful way of getting all my favourite people together in one room and having a laugh, eating a lot of cake and seeing people who I won't get to see together for a while. Yes - people did bring presents but they were told that they didn't need to and most were very low key (all the better - I didn't want big gestures).
For me it was a truly special occasion. I've been to two other baby showers and really enjoyed them. I did bring a present each time - they were two of my closest friends - but I bought a couple of my favourite children's books and wrote them good cards. Another friend is having a baby shower after mine is born so I will probably get her a bag full of hospital bag related stuff and post birth recovery stuff that I have (hopefully) found useful.

I think if she really is your best friend you should go anyway. I wouldn't turn up empty handed, so maybe buy a nice pampering gift for your friend if you really don't want to get something for baby. Or bring lots of cake for everyone.

I'm not keen on the idea of "baby showers" either. A "having a baby soon party" sounds ok but "shower" suggesting a shower of presents just seems rude and greedy! It all seems a very commercial,American, materialistic thing, probably invented by Hallmark or something. I think the tradition over there is for someone else (eg sister, mom, best friend to organise the shower, which I suppose isn't as bad as organising your own and then expecting presents!

Getting girlfriends together to eat cake or go for a meal before baby comes sounds lovely and I would be inclined to do that myself. Like a very tame hen party! Just would never expect presents.

I can't believe you went to one where someone asked you were your present was! how rude! My way of dealing with someone like that, might be to get them one of those Oxfam unwrapped presents, where buy someone something worthwhile, like mosquito nets or immunisations for a child somewhere in the world that really needs it. You get a nice card which explains to your greedy mate the nice thing they've done (via you) to help a family less fortunate than themselves.

Being a very best friend means compromising sometimes and I think on this occasion you should go to the shower. You could buy something small to pamper your friend (or tell her your gift is the weekend away) and save the 'baby' gift for when it arrives.

That said, the whole baby shower thing makes me cringe massively too and I have a friend who keeps insisting she is organising one for me (I'm 25wks) and demanding a list of invitees from me. I had considered using the excuse that i think its supersticious to 'celebrate' in advance...but I think she knows I've just bought a pram and car seat! Think I'll have to be honest and tell her soon that it's a lovely thought, but just not my thing. Honestly, couldn't bear it.

Cupsoftea........when did i mention about the parents not preparing for the birth by buying something? All I said was I never buy before a birth......its up to the parents what the hell they do!! Ppl said it was a negative way to look at it but I said the mother herself was airing on caution due to many health problems - basically she has talked about her concerns and is not taking things for granted, but she has bought everything she needs. I am not funding the baby so I am not sure of why your comment would discuss the mothers preparations when I said I don't buy gifts...am a tad confused?

paperclips i love the idea of the oxfam gift!

Well - I'd consider having a chat with her, since she's your very best friend - she must know how you feel about the whole idea! And then after your chat, if she really wants you there, I'd suck it up and go.

Given your own feelings and superstition, I'd either give her a gift more for herself or give her a gift voucher for somewhere like Boots, where many baby things can be purchased but should the worst happen (God forbid) she'd still be able to use it for other things. Or she could choose to use it for other things anyway!

I have a fair bit of sympathy for you - I can't stand the idea and now I'm in Australia, I'm seriously hoping that no one offers to do one for me because I'd have to refuse.

Of course if you have had a baby shower you are not going to think them tacky or grabby.

They're bloody awful and to me, almost as bad as asking for money for your wedding.
I would suggest Op that you either say you are already booked, or attend like paperclips said, with a pamper gift for your friend and some cake.

I'm another one who goes for the tacky and grabby vote I'm afraid. I love buying baby presents but only after the baby is born. I'm not superstitious, that's just how I like to do things.

I've only ever been invited to 2 and haven't been able to go to either (one I was away, but the baby was born early so it was cancelled anyway, the second is my SILs and is next week when I'm abroad). However my SIL has specified no presents at hers, which changes my view quite a bit - she just wants to see people and eat cake which is fair enough

The equivalent to me would be a bridal shower - expected to buy a present for that and again at the wedding. I wouldn't like that either.

Slipslider - I'd probably go for the "so sorry, I'm already doing x" approach.

I'm another one who doesn't like them I'm afraid.

I WON'T take a present because in the case of 90% of my friends who've had babies so far my DH and I are equally close friends with mum and dad to be. We're pretty bloody generous when it comes to gift giving but the presents come from both of us to the whole family expecting, they aren't from me to mum. I've no problem turning up with a nice cake but I won't be made to feel guilty about not not bringing a gift as I know they'll get a good 'un soon enough (as does the mum and any other close friends of mine who may be there, I don't give a stuff about anyone else!).

I won't get started on some of the games played (being voted "next one pregnant" when I was struggling to concieve was pretty tough).

OP can't you turn up without a gift? Your friend knows how much you've done for her and that's all that matters, bollocks to anyone else.

It sounds like your main objection is the gift aspect so would you be happy to go if you don't have to bring a gift?

If so, then go but don't take a gift. If asked where your gift is, simply say "it's coming once the baby is here" or something like that.

PS I agree that gift-based baby showers are horrid grabby things and I really really hope they don't catch on in the UK. Nothing wrong with friends meeting up as a "last catch up pre birth" or similar but why oh why do there have to be gifts involved.