OH - solidarity on the non-drinking front? Opinions please.....

[SquealyB]

Hi all

I am 6 weeks pregnant with our first child and obviously drinking is now a no-no (or a virtual no-no) for the next 34 weeks minimum. My OH and I were not prolific drinkers pre-pregnancy but definitely enjoyed afew drinks on a Friday night after a long week at work etc etc.

OH is going out this evening and on Sunday for a friends birthday. I hate to admit it but I am jealous AND kind of cross at him at the same time. I cannot work out whether it is reasonable to expect to him to cut-back on his socialising/drinking when I am not able to partake (and am too tired to be away from the couch for extended periods) or whether the pregnancy crazy hormones have taken over my brain and this is an entirely unreasonable.

Would value your thoughts.

My DH stopped drinking with the exception of when i had the odd glass of wine and on two pre arranged occasions. It really helped me feel less down about missing the wine. He still went on nights out though.

Congratulations btw!

I'm positively encouraging him to have a drink! He doesn't really have that much anyway. In my mind I'm earning 9 months of him driving when we go out! Might get him to drive a bit more now I'm 32 weeks though!

I think it's a bit unreasonable tbh.

I did expect dh to always be capable of driving from 37 weeks and lots of friends thought I was a bit of a cow for that

No it isn't reasonable IMO

Maybe for the last week or so towards your due date of he is going to be the one driving you to hospital

Congratulations! but I think you are being a bit unreasonable to be honest.
I think it might be nice if he adapted his socialising a bit nearer the due date, when you are tired, the size of a house and even more grumpy and hormonal than you are now. Don't start getting cross with him at this early stage, save the rage

I don't think it is reasonable to expect him to stop drinking, or stop going out.

BUT

Life is about to change massively for both of you - and you have to establish how things are going to be.
Certainly you don't want to fall into a pattern where he goes out all the time and you stay at home, because then it is too easy for that to continue once the baby is here.

Thanks all for your opinions. It is always good to get a sanity check. My first instinct is that it was an unreasonable expectation and that I should not listen to my inner diva!

My first time pregnant (so super excited) but as an upshot I have very little experience and my family don't live in the UK and none of my friends here have had kids. I may be on here a fair bit to get advice etc over the coming months!

I haven't stopped my DH going out, but to be honest it's maybe only 1 or 2 times a month in any case. His drinking has naturally reduced as we're not opening bottles of wine to share at the weekend, so he'll just have the odd beer instead. I'll definitely insist on him being fit to drive in the last few weeks before the due date though.

DH still has a drink or two at home a few times a week but he doesn't often go out and get wasted- I don't think I'd be too happy sleeping next to a beer monster at the moment.

I think I'd rather let him carry on with the moderate intake than have a grumpy man

Agree with the majority here, it is a bit unreasonable. At least you know it though, it's when we think our diva demands are righteous that you new to worry. Good luck with your pregnancy. Personally I have the odd glass of wine after the first trimester so you don't have long to wait.

Bless you - YABU.

Brilliant news about the pregnancy.
If your DH was knocking back enormous amounts of ale, then fair enough to think that a bit of modifying was needed, but the idea that you have to be pregnant together is a bit naff.

All I did is mentally log the times I had to be designated driver during my PGs, then had 'payback' when I finished BF! Yes, I'm totally petty.)

I can only go from experience but... my DP said he wanted to not drink anything while I'm pregnant, but that lasted all of about 5 minutes :) I don't mind him having a drink here and there, if anything I encourage it. I've been a bit of a nightmare so don't begrudge him going out for a few with his mates at all if it means escaping the nightmare missus and her big belly. On the flipside, I don't think you're being unreasonable for thinking maybe he should cut back, but maybe only if he's the sort to go out every weekend xx

I understand why you would feel that way, it's only natural that because you can't drink, it's hard to see him going out and drinking too. I felt exactly the same when I was pregnant with DD last year. However my DH needed to go out once and a while. I think as long as it's not every night of the week, a few times a month is reasonable. I just made sure if he went out for a night, we'd do something nice together the evening before or after.

It certainly helped my DH to 'get it out of his system' and he was brilliant when DD was born. Also from 37 weeks he didn't drink at all just in case.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I agree with others, it's a bit unreasonable to expect him to completely change his drinking habits. I am also encouraging my OH to make the most of opportunities reminding him that when DC arrives THEN it will be all change! Allow him the freedom now and call the shots when you really need them and have banked up lots of sympathy points (no drinking for 9 mths) and brownie points (designated driver for nigh on 9 months).

Pregnancy can feel like a long time, I would of never told dh he could not drink. However he is sensitive about it. If we go out he does try to choose somewhere that sells non alcoholic cocktails, if we are at home he makes me nice drinks and puts them in pretty glasses with ice and lime or cucumber depending on drink and a straw so it makes me feel special. When I do want a glass of wine dh makes sure he opens a really good bottle of wine or champagne so if I am going to have a drink it is the good stuff! I am now 37 weeks and dh will moderate his drinking once I get a bit nearer due date to make sure he is ok to take me to hospital. seems silly us both missing out as long as he is sensitive about it. Then afterwards he is going to be driving a lot!

My DH agreed to have no more than 2 drinks at a time while I was pregnant. This is the arrangement we had anyway if we were going somewhere an taking the car - he doesn't drive so it always has to be me driving us home and I find it very unfair that I am always sober while he has (on occasion) got stinking drunk! I wouldn't have asked him to stop drinking entirely tho, and he was still fine drinking as much as he wanted if he was having a night with the boys

My feelings might be influenced by the fact that I hardly drank pre-pregnancy. I also don't drive (which other people seem to think is a waste of a practical tee-totaller ) so my DH didn't have a lot of drinking opportunities anyway.

I think whether you are being unreasonable depends on the circumstances. If you used to go out and drink together and now he's going out alone to drink, leaving you at home then you will understandably feel abandoned and be concerned that he intends to do this throughout pregnancy and once the baby is born - leaving you holding the baby.

It might not be reasonable to ask him to abstain from alcohol altogether, but reminding him that you still want his company, but going out to pubs/bars etc where the main activity is drinking isn't fun for you anymore, and can he make sure that he sees this 9 months as a great opportunity to spend quality time as a couple before a baby becomes the centre of attention. (As opposed to seeing it as a great opportunity to spend quality time with alcohol ).

Life is changing for both of you, its pretty insensitive for him to carry on 'business as usual' just because you happen to be the one carrying the baby. This child is the responsibility of you both.

Find other things to do that you both enjoy, go see a movie (or watch one at home), go out for a meal, visit some place nice etc.

That said, I wouldn't stop him from drinking with a meal, or of an evening while you are having something non-alcoholic, as long as its more about spending time together rather than him getting drunk (whilst you can't) IYSWIM.

If you not drinking means that he's drinking more because you are a pre-ordained designated driver, then I can see that it would grate.

As an almost-non-drinker, I don't have a problem with other people drinking in social situations, like with a meal or whilst having a chat/doing something together. But I find situations where the main focus is alcohol difficult (like in pubs where it is too noisey to hold a conversation). That said, on a girls night out/in, I am just a giggly and enjoying things as those who have had alcohol so you don't need it as long as the company is fun.

I am a cheap date

In short, although it might be unreasonable to expect him to abstain for 9 months, it is reasonable to remind him that he has to consider your enjoyment of an evening too. As a pregnant woman you may have an aversion to the smell of alcohol, and you may (or may not!) be needing to feel close to your partner, so needing him to spend more non-drinking time with you.

Of course, if its simple jealousy then you are being unreasonable, but you're pregnant so its to be expected.

BTW, DH will not be drinking from 37 weeks, as I'd rather he wasn't unable to drive me safely during labour. I may not have told him this yet But he does have the occasional beer at home now.

Hello

I can see both sides of this. I totally understand why you are annoyed, especially if you both used to enjoy a drink. I do think it would be fair for him to show solidarity, you're a team in this, but this doesn't have to mean him not drinking at all. To me it seems just fair and supportive that he cuts down when around you. It's like sitting and eating a big chocolate cake in front of a friend on a strict diet.

I think he should show that he appreciates that you have had to give a lot up to grow his baby. Does he realise that you're tired and maybe want to cuddle up with him on the sofa with a film etc rather than leaving you on your own?

But at the same time he deserves the odd night with his mates. I'm sure he realises the commitments ahead and probably wants to make the most of the freedom while he can!

If anything, I used to like a drink much more than my husband. It was always me who brought beer and wine home, him who bought crisps and ice-cream home! I've given alcohol completely. Before I was pregnant, he decided (totally unprompted bless him) he would give up alcohol with me, although this never actually happened! I think he thought I was going to have difficulty giving it up but i found it easy. But he doesn't drink in the house, and if he goes out with friends its all very sensible and restrained.

The warm weather recently has been the first time since January that I have actually missed a drink, as sitting with a few cold beers in the sun would've been lovely.

I agree with Spirited Wolf, that it would be good for you both to find other ways of enjoying an evening. Make the most of things like going to the cinema while you can. Also, one things I like about not drinking is driving, rather than getting expensive taxis. Before, we used to plan a night out around the city centre etc, now we can try restaurants on the other side of the city and things like that and I'm happy to drive.

I do miss sitting in the pub together for the atmosphere- but we have been going out for meals more, so we get the "going-out" feeling, and substitute food for booze, rather than sitting in a pub sipping sickly sweet lemonade or crappy J2Os all night! Even going for tea and cake becomes a "treat" in the way that the pub might have been. After a tough day at work, posh ice-cream might not totally relax your head the way a good New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc does, but it's helps, and is pretty rewarding.

BTW I thought all non-alcoholic beer was vile but just found out the non-alcoholic Becks is rather nice!

I used to drink more than DH before BFP too (nightmare to hide - latest trick is doing apple juice and soda in cider bottles).

He's been really supportive and not drunk that much at home (nearly every day but only a glass or one beer) or even out. On our wedding anniversary we went for a nice meal and he insisted on drinking the same as me... He also praises me for my abstinence knowing what a lush I normally am ;)

However I've not stopped socialising too much (feel a lot less tired at 12 weeks than I did at 6 so hopefully you will too) so I don't feel like I'm missing out. If he was going out tonight and Sunday and NOT drinking, would that even make a difference? Could you join him on one of the nights (drive down and make sure they get a table - not that different to sofa)? Or treat yourself to a film he'd hate and your favourite food while he's out?

Unless he's out all the time causing havoc then I think you need to let him have his fun. Just make sure you have yours too.

PS I like Bavaria 0% beer...

DH voluntarily gave up alcohol when I became pg (DC1, 17 wks) On the odd occasion he's had a big night out without me I've said I don't mind if he has a drink but he's chosen not to.

We had some bleeding early on and I think he's hyper aware that at any time he might need to be properly on the ball and doesn't want to risk being tipsy. He doesn't drive (learning) but its more being there for me I think.

He's no saint and usually enjoys his drink although not a laddish type so maybe that makes it easier. But I don't think yabu to expect at least a modification of his behaviour, to show support and willingness to be there at any time, as well as preparation for the lifestyle changes you'll both have in order to share parenting.

My husband said he would but didn't. Don't really mind except for the handful of occasions he's been a bit tipsy and chatty about crap at 11 at night when I've been sleepy :D

He's cut it out almost completely as my due date gets closer but I allowed him a good few glasses last night after he did a day of daddy duties like mowing the lawn and putting the cot bed together.

My partner has stopped drinking so that he is able to drive us to the hospital whenever. I'm 39 weeks now so it could be any time, day or night. He still goes out but he always takes the car to make sure he doesn't drink.

When I was about 6 months pregnant he went out and got absolutely hammered, fell into the house at 4am, shouted at me, generally acted like a drunken twat and promptly forgot all about it the next morning. I remember feeling really really upset with him, I went ape - he'd never seen me like that before - and since that point he's reigned himself in.

It's hard not to feel jealous and left behind, I have been feeling that a lot too lately, it's such a major lifestyle change for the woman - I've definitely had moments when I've felt hard done by in the sense that nothing has really changed for him while my life bears no resemblance to what it did before.

Talk to him. I finally opened up to my partner about how scared I was about losing my life last night and in that chat we covered the fact that he can still go out til late on a Friday night while I'm stuck at home feeling lonely, tired and fat! I feel so much better for it, not least because he actually listened and said he understood!

xx