anyone else being judged as a mother already?

[DizzyKipper]

Just a thread to be a bit fed up on. I'm 25+2, I don't have any other children yet but already have MIL making comments - chiefly about how my child is going to be a "textbook baby". Because apparently I'm going to mindlessly follow everything and anything I read out of a book - ignoring the fact I don't even own any parenting books and probably won't even get round to reading any.
I just don't get why people have to judge you. I haven't even had the baby yet, is it really necessary to start making comments inferring I'm going to muck up my child and basically have no idea what I'm doing? This is the first thing she said the first time we were pregnant, "don't let her turn it into a textbook baby!" For crying out loud, you don't even know me, you hear we're having a child and immediately have to say don't let her muck it up?
I just want to do the best for my child. I'm not going to beat or abuse it, I'm not going to put him/her down and make it feel unworthy. I'm going to try to do my best to support it and provide it with a good and happy life, more than what I ever had - in times of trouble I will always protect the child and no matter what happens they will always be loved. Isn't that enough? I'm sure I'll make mistakes and get things wrong, who doesn't? But why do I have to have some one there already, putting me down, making me out to be an incompetent mother. Before I've even had it - that's what really gets me, I've not even had the child but already I'm being judged. sigh

Don't get me started on this. I just tell people to mind their own business :)

What a horrible thing to say to you dizzy. Unfortunately, it would appear that becoming a parent goes hand in hand with people offering you loads of unwanted advice and criticism. I am pregnant with DS2 and am still getting it from different 'wellwishers'. I agree with milk and comfort myself with knowing that though I may not be the best mother in the world according to others standards, I am definitely the best mum in the world to my children - and thats all that matters! Good luck with everything.

my nan is exactly the same always referring to when she had her children but you know what i tell her its the 21st century and we dont bring children up like you used to!

people and family especially the older ones will always judge how you bring up your child. at the end of the day its your baby not hers so tell her to mind her own, tell her if she hasnt got anything nice to say then keep it to herself!

also just say to her politely.....look this is new to me ill be happy for your advice but please dont put me down!

you sound like you will make a fantastic mother so just listen to yourself and your hubby noone else! xxx

Learn to let it fly over your head, it will happen a lot sadly.

Some people just can't keep their noses out!

I'll raise you a sister!!!! She has no children, yet has informed me that she knows more about raising children than I do (I have none yet, just one due in 10 weeks) she is more prepared and knows what I should or shouldn't do. I am fully aware that I haven't got a clue what to expect, I have no idea about whether the baby will sleep well, how I'll take to breast feeding and a million other things which I think it's very reasonable to state I don't have a clue about!!

She informed me that she was leaving the country when the "palarva" of the birth took place, then told me later she would be the best person to be there. Err you were leaving the country?!?

Oh and my birth plan of hypnobirthing and a water birth is wrong, I should go for a c section!

She's doing my head in!!! Totally get where your coming from! Thanks for letting me rant!!

My sympathies! For me it's my parents -- I'm not sure they know how to interact with me without providing a value judgement. Everything from my birth plans to nappies to sleeping arrangements has come under fire. At least when it's so pervasive it's easier to just ignore everything they say, but it does get tiring and I would like at least a little recognition that I'm an adult (I'm almost 40, for heaven's sake!) and actually have a working brain. I'm kinda hoping that when LO arrives they'll be more distracted by her, but it is probably a slim hope.

Anyway, remember you're the Mum and Mum is always right :)

When it comes to children, every one has an opinion! I get loads of "ooooh you don't want to be doing that" or "you're just creating a rod for your own back".

I just smile and walk off but i do have friends who get upset with the criticism. Fuck them is my attitude! You know your baby, you do things your way and if it does create hassle for you, so what!

Funnily enough I'm going through the same with my new puppy!

the words Fuck off have rarely been muttered more often by me, everyone is suddenly an expert and with regards to the puppy littlemissnormal, every bugger will be telling you to get rid soon, thats probably the thing thats made me most cross in my pregnancy, the assumption that I have to give up my beautiful dogs because suddenly they will be baby killers

Ignore Ignore Ignore!

Hotpot, my gran said we'll have to get rid of our cats because they will "smell the milk and smother the baby"! I couldn't stop laughing at that cracker. She also stated to my grandfather that if I wanted to find anything out that her or my mum couldn't help with that I would "ask the Google!".

Just ignore, that is a horrible thing to say to anyone. No bugger knows what they are doing raising children, even those that write the books. You might have a method or an approach, but it won't work for every child,in every situation, just do your best and what you think is right, like 99% of parents since the dawn of time.

Congratulations on the baby, try to grow a thicker skin, people can and will judge, it's like that "people cannot make you feel inferior without your consent" quote by whoever. People can judge until their little heads explode, doesn't mean you have to take a blind bit of notice.

ha ha J4D3 do you recon that working on that logic my dogs will smell my breast milk?

...... and smother me? sorry pressed send without finishing my post then

I have been judged by my birth mother - who gave me up for adoption when I was 2 weeks old - for some of my parenting choices. Including my choice to bottle feed.

She doesn't seem to see the irony ...

I've had loads of this from my mother, calling me a 'yummy mummy' and saying I should read fewer books / consult MN a bit less often and follow her example more (um, such as smoking 40 red Marlboro a day throughout her pregnancies? perhaps not)

she was also disgusted by my bfing and told me it was making DD1 clingy - actually it was partially her disapproval that kept me going for 2.5yrs in the end!

basically, every time I make a parenting choice that doesn't reflect what my mother did, she takes it as a personal criticism

mothers eh! (frigging nightmare)

OMG! "Ask the Google" too funny! :)

I found it wasn't even my mum or my mother in law, it was the other expectant mothers. I was 20 during my 1st pregnancy and therefore the older (but still first time mainly) mothers felt that they could give me advice about everything.

Now I am rather feared after becoming a bit of a talking point in a smallish rural community for telling another mother who said having more than two children "would emotionally damage" my then existing children that "although her concern for the emotional well being of my children was duly noted, I would be more than grateful if she could just fuck off?".

Tbf I was 8 and a half months pregnant with DTS (Ds3 and 4) and she just had one of those faces that annoyed me.

I know where you are coming from.

When I told my parents I was serious about dating my DH (13 years before we actually had children), my mother's response was "but you'll have brown babies!". I should have known then. DD1 is "the pioneer" and can do no wrong, when I got pg with DD2 it was all "poor DD1", and very little interest has ever been taken in DD2. Now I am pg with DD3, it's "poor DD2, she'll have middle child syndrome" (whatever that is, but I suspect it is created by parents, and not an inevitable biological consequence of being a middle child). I have had my children wrongly, too, as apparently the "right" way is to have a son, then a daughter, because that is what she did. Having 3 children is right out. When her neighbours daughter had a son just after I had DD1, she told me "she's done it the right way, now she has an heir!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

It's really annoying, but you can either tell such people to stick their advice (as nicely as possible of course), or smile and ignore. I finally got sick of the constant sniping at Christmas, and politely said I wasn't going to do what she wanted, which must have been a shock after 38 years of submitting to her badgering, and got berated in a very nasty way in front of my DH and DCs. I haven't heard from my parents for a few weeks.

ColourMe that is fantastic! You are a hero and example to us all ! Seriously though, well done.

I am only 7+4 and i have had 4 different people say "So what are you going to do about the cat?" Of course I would have gotten a cat if i knew i was going to have to give her up when i had a baby. I didn't decide to make the commitment of becoming a pet owner even though i was trying to get pregnant with out thinking humm i'll need to make sure that the cat doesn't sleep in babies room!! gerr some people just don't think that me and DP could possibly thought about all these things. LOL sorry for the rant.

DizzyKipper I don't think there is a right or a wrong way to raise a child, things work differently for different children and parents, I'm sure you'll be a wonderful mother, it sounds like your MIL is going to say nasty things regardless so ignore her the best you can (i know its hard) besides, chances are she probably raised her children based on all the advice she was given and read.

I feel your pain!

I had an elderly relation tell me off for having DS's bedroom at the back of the house. According to her robbers often enter by the back of the house and will steal DS I think the fact that I live in the suburbs, and that DS's room is on the 3rd floor and locks shut might deter the robbers somewhat. Also, last time I read the news robbers steal TVs, jewellery, ipods, not babies!

Also, I had a male, single, childless friend ring me the day after I gave birth to DC1 to ask if I wanted to go out that night to see a heavy metal band we both like. I had a 2nd degree tear, numerous stitches, was waiting for my breastmilk to come in and a heavy metal gig was the furthest thing from my mind! When I told him this he told me, "oh well, some rural Chinese women give births in fields and keep on working, you're just not hardcore like them."

In my head I told them both to f*k the f*k off.

Look yes mil. I had very bad childhood culminating in care but found wonderful foster parents got married studied got good job bought flat etc etc. Saw hv how said you must be resilient etc. Dh casually mentioned to mil she doesn't realise how bad childhood was no one does don't make an issue. She said is she going to be safe with baby? Can she love baby if so hard faced and independent? Stupid woman!!!! Also made me feel stupid two nights ago as I went to hospital for reduced movements was told over reacting babies go quiet. I ignore her to the max!

My mother was concerned that my chinchillas would somehow grow opposable thumbs get out of their cage, climb into the moses basket and smother the baby, and was sure the HV would advise me to get rid of them.

She also asked me about weaning at 8 weeks.

Needless to say neither has happened.

This woman loves me to distraction and has five degrees, so if she can come out with crap like that...

Whew thanks for the replies everyone, it does make me feel better a bit to hear other people going through similar. Think I will definitely have to work on that thick skin, I can be a bit sensitive. And Colourme, I can only dream of saying things like that, top notch

Some new mothers to the primary/nursery school still give me wary looks 10 years after the incident. I think it's hilarious!

The mother in question told everyone I was emotionally unstable. However, we live in a tiny village where I have grown up for my whole life and she had been living her for less than 5 years at that point (may seem like a long time but in my village you are still considered an outsider if your grandparents didn't live here) so everyone just laughed at her.

Seriously though Dizzy, this is your baby and the best way for you to bring them up is the way you fee best about. Don't listen to what anyone says about
raising children cause most of it is utter bullshit. And enjoy it!

My mum was constantly bringing up weaning as soon as DD was 2 months old, she said if I did nt start weaning soon, DD would lose lots of weight.

When DD was 6 months old and I decided to try weaning, my dad was horrified because I decided to make my own purees, he said DD would be very unhealthy if she was nt eating proper baby food!! At the time my parents really stressed me out, but I can laugh about it now.