anyone else being judged as a mother already?

[DizzyKipper]

Just a thread to be a bit fed up on. I'm 25+2, I don't have any other children yet but already have MIL making comments - chiefly about how my child is going to be a "textbook baby". Because apparently I'm going to mindlessly follow everything and anything I read out of a book - ignoring the fact I don't even own any parenting books and probably won't even get round to reading any.
I just don't get why people have to judge you. I haven't even had the baby yet, is it really necessary to start making comments inferring I'm going to muck up my child and basically have no idea what I'm doing? This is the first thing she said the first time we were pregnant, "don't let her turn it into a textbook baby!" For crying out loud, you don't even know me, you hear we're having a child and immediately have to say don't let her muck it up?
I just want to do the best for my child. I'm not going to beat or abuse it, I'm not going to put him/her down and make it feel unworthy. I'm going to try to do my best to support it and provide it with a good and happy life, more than what I ever had - in times of trouble I will always protect the child and no matter what happens they will always be loved. Isn't that enough? I'm sure I'll make mistakes and get things wrong, who doesn't? But why do I have to have some one there already, putting me down, making me out to be an incompetent mother. Before I've even had it - that's what really gets me, I've not even had the child but already I'm being judged. sigh

Both mine and DP's mothers are just ridiculously over excited about the coming grandchild. Thankfully they are both lovely people and really do mean well but just can't help themselves. I have already perfected the nod, smile and ignore technique and am now buildng up to the polite request to please let us bring up our own child ourselves. It does get a tad exhausting though.

It's so frustrating. My gran popped round with my mum for a cuppa at the weekend, and came out with "I give them a week after the baby's born before they'll have had enough. They'll probably switch the baby monitor off when they are sick of his crying".

WTF? I feel really hurt and annoyed by this comment. It's our first baby, and not that anyone knows this, but we had a long IVF journey to get here. Comments like her's really piss me off.

My OH's Nanna is the best - she came out with this little corker last weekend when I said I wouldn't be wasting money on a baby bath:

Nanna: What, you're not getting a baby bath?
Me: No, there's a perfectly good full size one in the bathroom as it is.
Nanna: Oh my GOD - you cannot wash a baby in big bath.
Me: Well I'm going to.
Nanna: Oh for heaven's sake someone tell her - she'll probably go and drop it. (then laughing) You are queer aren't you ...

Dizzy - of course you're sensitive - you're about to embark on something unknown and wonderful and scary!

I wish people would take a bit more emotional responsibility and admit that their "need" to give "advice" and to pass criticisms is down to deep rooted feelings of inadequacy, paranoia that they might have got it wrong with their own kids, together with a massive dollop of unresolved guilt. I tend to remind myself of this fact whenever anyone suggests that I'm doing it wrong.

This is my 2nd pregnancy, and my parents have pretty much given up trying to tell me that co-sleeping, and long-term breastfeeding are wrong. The trouble is that I'm not with DS's dad anymore, and have a whole new set of in-laws to pass judgement on the way I do things with this new little badger.

In the words of Charlie Brown: UGH!

I'm finding taking an even more extreme position puts most people off from offering me any more advice.

For example:

You don't want to have an epidural, think of the complications = I wouldn't have a tooth out without anaesthetic, its crazy to have a baby. If I can swing it I'll ask for a GA and a section.

Should you even be having half a glass of wine in pregnancy? = oh yes, I need to shrink the baby to make the birth easier.

You don't want to use real nappies, there are better ways of saving money = yes but I've bribed DH with Hifi equipment with the money we've saved now. Of course if things get really tight I guess we can always give DC away for adoption.

What you really want is this pram/travel system/buggy = I'm not going to bother getting anything, we can always carry it. Its just a baby, why does it need to go out anyway?

I'd be tempted with the OPs MIL comment to say: Oh yes, I've ordered a large selection of books from the library, I'm happy to lend them to you if you like as we will be following all of them to the letter and we'll need you to revise and complete a quick test before assuming grandparent duties.

The trick is to either imply you think they've made a hilarious joke and you're simply joining in. Well meaning relatives may try to correct your assumption but do not be swayed - continue to banter back as if its all really quite funny

No advice given to me yet, but my SIL surely wins a prize for this... first xmas I spent with DH - then boyfriend - she started telling me I'd be next to have children. These kind of comments p!ss me off, especially when made by relative strangers who know next to nothing about you. So I started with the "I'm not having kids, I'm a teacher, I've got 30 already" joke and she said... "Well it's a good job because your children will never be as beautiful or as intelligent as mine anyway". I smiled, nodded, gripped DH's leg under the table and felt smug that I didn't give her a reaction and that I know for a fact that I'm a better person than she is. Last time I saw her she started criticising the way her DS's teacher teaches subtraction - knowing full well I teach the same year group. Again I smiled, nodded and focussed all my attention on her kids. Thank GOD I'll have one of my own to focus on in future!!!

Aw tell then to fuck right off, I had this

tbf I was an hysterical first mum

You're not planning to send it absailing off a cliffside I think u'll be okay.

I had the cat queries too, so I used to respond with 'well, the baby will have to sleep in the shed then, won't it?' Fwiw, those with cats, mine have been great. Moses basket out a few weeks before DDate so they learnt not to go in it, and newborns (or mine at least) make so much noise it'll take the cats weeks to feel relaxed enough to go anywhere near them.

It doesnt get easier when they arrive, too, OP, sorry. The questions just change

Colourme I think I love you... love what you said to that mum.

lol I love that comeback Doodlegoogle, may have to try it if she brings it up again. We're seeing her this Sunday so will report if I do