Think I'm pregnant with first baby - and partner's changed his mind

[DonnaSimons]

I'm hoping for some advice as I'm very upset and confused right now - if anyone's been in my situation or has any words of wisdom, I'd really like to hear from them!

The background is that I've been with my partner for seven years and living together for five of those. We're very much in love and, while marriage isn't important to either of us, I was always of the impression that we'd be together forever. I've always been more into the idea of having children than he has but, over the last two years or so, much to my joy he came round to the idea. We discussed it frequently and it was clear that, in the future, children were very much on the agenda.

We discussed my coming off the Pill during the winter and he said he was happy with that, so I did. We said we wanted to "see how things went", in the knowledge that it could take a long time for me to become pregnant. I've had an abortion previously, which I regret, and I was also worried that, after 15 years on the Pill, it could take a long time for my fertility to return. Also, I have several friends who've been trying for babies for a very long time and I didn't want it to get to that stage. I thought, I'm almost 30, I want children - how much longer is it sensible to wait?

Then, a month later, my partner announced that he wasn't happy about my being off the Pill after all. Pretty frustrated with his backtracking, not willing to mess around with my hormones further and safe in the knowledge that he was likely to change his mind back again, I said that I wasn't prepared to go back on it - but could we use condoms until things were clear in his head.
He decided not to do this and also didn't go for the withdrawal method, which I also suggested. We were therefore having unprotected sex for a month - and I think that has resulted in a pregnancy.

I did a test a few days ago and there was a very, very faint line. Almost so faint it was invisible, but definitely there.
I was happy and excited, but my partner has gone into denial. First he said it "couldn't possibly be positive" as the line wasn't strong enough, and then went out and left me alone for the rest of the day without discussing it further. In the four days that have passed since he's said times that he hopes I'm not pregnant and it's the wrong time, etc etc. He's barely discussed it at all really, apart from to say that he doesn't want this baby. It's as if he's ignoring the situation as much as he can. When I refused a second glass of wine a couple of nights ago he said "You don't seriously think you're pregnant, do you? You'd better not be."

We're now at the point where I'm going to do another test in the next few days which, I suspect, will come back with a much more definite line. I FEEL pregnant. I'm tired, I feel nauseous and I feel most unlike myself - though, admittedly, that could be down to the nerves about my partner's reaction.

I very much want this baby and would not abort it. That isn't an option for me. But I'm now facing up to the very real possiblity that, if the second test does come back positive, my partner may ask me to do so and ultimately, he may leave me.

Please advise as to what I should do - at the moment I'm feeling quite lost.
Thank you.

Hiya, so sorry to hear his reaction wasn't good, but big congrats anyhow!
I've no experience of your situation but didn't want to just read and run... It could be he just needs time to get his head round things, but I have to say it doesn't sound good. What does sound good is that you're strong, you know what you want (and what you don't), and ultimately you can do this with or wiithout him. But he does need to face up to it, and talk it through with you. Good luck - there's plenty of support on these boards if you're not getting it at home...

Hiya, that sounds like you are pg, a line is a line congrats!

But what a pickle with your partner! However please don't let him blame you or do the, 'you trapped me' act. You were both in this together and as long as you discussed contraception or lack of, you are both pregnant, not just you.

It could be that he is freaking out, my DP did that but in a different way to the point of being mute about the pregnancy, changing topic whenever I mentioned it. When I told him first, he just said O and looked like a rabbit in headlights which p*ssed me off really badly. Having been brought up on a diet of soppy hollywood movies, I expected it to be a really special moment full of hugs and excitement - it wasn't.

I guess first things first, get it confirmed then you guys need to start talking, have you got anyone in real life you can confide in if he really goes into freak out mode? Once you establish what you both want you can look at options for getting used to the idea, your relationship & finances.

A lot of guys do freak out, I have started threads myself and have been on lots of threads discussing it. It may not mean the end of your relationship, it might just be a very testing time. Thats why babies take 9 months to brew so you can both get your heads around it.

Fast forward 9 months for us and DP has been helping out with the fevent nesting drive I have at the mo and telling me to rest.

Babies never arrive at the right time, relationships are never perfect.

Good Luck

X

This is not particually helpful I know - but if he knew that you were no longer taking the pill, and he wasn't using a condom/withdrawal method, then what did he think was going to happen?

It's brilliant news for you, and it sounds like you have already made your mind up, in that you will keep the baby regardless of his decision. I wish you all the luck in the world :)

I would try the digital ones (I know they are more expensive) my DH refused to believe I was pregnant until the test actually spelt it out to him. The ones with the lines can be interpreted differently and if its faint there is always the is it there is it not there. Hope this goes OK for you I too had an abortion a few years ago and was freaking out about telling DH this time expecially as the circumstances are so different this time.

Good Luck

Hi Donna well i feel sorry that you can't feel fantastic about your success. so you can with us, it is a very special time for you. I agree, he may just be having a wobble and it is a bit unkind to say 'you'd better not be' do you know what his fear is? could it be money? it may help to have a chat about it and say how upset it makes you feel.

Sorry but he doesn't get to say he 'doesn't want the baby', it's a little too late for that. The time for him to say that would have been before freely and knowingly choosing to have unprotected sex with you! I agree with SarryB - what did he think was going to happen? This was not an 'accident', and he needs to take responsibility for his actions.

Of course he gets to decide whether he wants to be involved and living with you and the baby, but he's going to need to provide financial support at least whether he likes it or not. He can't make that obligation go away just by putting his head in the sand and saying he doesn't want it.

As for what to do - I guess start thinking in terms of practical support, if you end up having to look after the baby on your own - where will you live, do you have family who can help you out with practical stuff, what will you do about work/childcare/finances etc? I mean, it may be that he's just having a panic, and when things are definite he'll realise he was being an idiot and start to man up (hopefully with profound apologies to you). Wishing you the best whatever happens.

I haven't been in your position, but don't want to leave your post unanswered, I'm sure someone with more experience will be along shortly.

My thoughts:
You've asked for advice on what you should do, but I don't think there is anything you can do at the moment unless you want to bring forward taking that second test.

As he doesn't believe that you are pregnant, you can't really have a realistic discussion of the future with him until you both know for definate. So I think that you can either do the test sooner, or you just need to wait it out.

You might well find he'll come around to the idea once he knows it's happening and that you intend to stay pregnant. It is scary finding out that you are going to be a parent shortly, rather than at some unspecified future point in time. My partner and I had been trying to concieve for almost 6 years, desperatly wanting a family and when I found out I was pregnant, I still had a 'I'm not sure I'm ready for this' couple of days - I was just overwhelmed by the responsibility of it all.

If his reaction is still completely negative and he decides to leave you holding the baby, then he isn't who you thought he was when you planned this pregnancy. A break up with someone you love is difficult, but many women manage to raise their children either alone or with the support of family and friends - you and the baby will be fine, no matter what happens with him.

He does sound particuarly silly to have had unprotected sex with you for a month if he had changed his mind. Condoms aren't terribly sexy, but contraception is the responsibility of both partners, you told him why you weren't going back on the pill so condoms were required if he didn't want to father a child. The 'I'll just have unprotected sex with you and hope you don't get pregnant' form of contraception has no proven effectiveness.

That said, given the length of your relationship and the fact that he agreed to try for a baby recently, there is a good chance it's just nerves. Maybe, once you find out for definate you can sit down with him and have a calm conversation, asking him what changed his mind about wanting a baby. It could just be that he's not convinced it's the perfect time for one. You need to hear out his concerns and help him understand how you feel about starting a family with him and that there isn't a perfect time and that you will manage with whatever challenges there are in your lives to raise this baby, just as every other couple has to.

Take care of you and possible bump. (Someone else is bound to have posted whilst I wrote this essay, so hopefully there is more helpful advice already up).

How sad for you. But... congratulations on the pregnancy!

I think you need to be tough with him though. As the old saying goes, "it takes two to tango". He knew there was a possibility you could get pregnant - unless he was absent at all his sex education classes!

I would sit him down and say to him that you are going to have this baby, whether he is with you or not and ask him what he plans to do. Put it as directly as that. Don't allow him to bully you or emotionally manipulate you into a discussion about it. You have already made your decision and you want this baby.

I've been a single mum and it's hard but it's better than being with the wrong person, and if he can't support you in your dreams (ie having this baby) then he's going to be a nightmare.

First of all I would do another test so you know for sure.

He sounds scared witless. If I were you I'd firstly get a definite positive test/ scan, secondly sit him down, say: "This baby is happening whether you like it or not, you are going to be a father. The only question is whether you're part of our lives in the future." Maybe when it hits him like that he'll get a grip.
Congratulations!

Oh hun i know how you feel ;-(

I'd been with my partner for just over a year when i found out i was expecting! I thought he'd go mad an not want the baby and i was teriffied of telling him but he gave me a massive hug and said lets do it etc, i was over the moon when he decided to have a massive change of heart and said he didn't want it etc

He finally accepted it was happening when i was about 10 weeks (we found out when i was about 4) and that first scan just had him hooked, he was nearly in tears!

7 weeks to go now and he couldn't be happier he's always talking to my tummy and stuff and can't wait to meet his little girl

I think it's very true what they say 'women become mothers when they find out they are expecting, men become fathers when they hold their baby for the first time' there will be a day when he wont know what he did without him/her hun

I know it hurts becuase you're probably wondering why he doesn't love this little bean inside of your tummy like you do but there's just not the same connection there for blokes i dont think

Hang on in there and CONGRATULATIONS XXX

I also think you should do another test so you can know for sure and move forward with whatever the outcome...

I agree with the other sentiments that he had unprotected sex with you, knowing it was unprotected and has to be responsible for his own actions.

If its any comfort, my DH freaked when I was pregnant with our first. I think he was just shocked and frightened by the responsibility etc, but he soon warmed to the idea and fell in love with the baby... who is now 8 and I'm pregnant with number 4! Give him a chance, he may not run for the door (well, he might but only get as far as the pub and return tail between legs!) or suggest a termination, he may just need the time to come to terms with being a father.

OP congratulations. I hope you can find some joy in this despite your partner's reaction.

Prepare yourself for the worst. He might demand you have an abortion. It may be horrid. Just prepare yourself for that eventuality, accept it in advance and resolve to remain calm. There's no point fearing it or trying to pre-empt it. His reaction is his choice.

Your baby is safe and warm inside you, you are responsible for him or her now. What he says is not really relevant (particularly since he basically slept-walked into this of his own accord). And in any case, feelings are fickle; he might be horrified now, but over-the-moon in 9 months' time. You just really can't tell.

All you can control is your own situation. All you can tell is that you're pregnant, so focus on that, and on remaining healthy and calm for the duration.

He will either come round or he won't. And honestly, if you remain calm and don't engage with his negativity, imo there's a better chance he will come round. Don't stoop to hysterics, guilt-tripping, nagging or any extreme emotions in front of him. He will either come round or he won't. it's not your responsibility either way.

Good luck and warmest congratulations :)

fwiw my DH seemed quite underwhelmed when i told him i was pg. he is now starting to warm up to the idea considerably, though he's still significantly freaked out by how much him life will change. and this baby was completely planned.

(we also fell pg in the first month trying, after years on pill and a long-ago abortion, so i can identify with how shocking that can feel!)

Ack, sorry to hear of your problems! It sounds like your DP is a more resistant than mine, but I also had a fairly down reaction -- "I thought it would take longer than this" "the timing is bad" "are you sure?" "why did you tell me now?" (um, how long, precisely, did he expect me to keep it secret? I already waited until I'd returned from a trip instead of blabbing over Skype!)

My approach was to not talk about it too much, then involve him in the pregnancy re-test: I peed on the stick, we left it alone in the bathroom for the requisite time, then went in together to look.

It still took quite a long time for him to come to terms with it, even though we'd been trying for 3 months and had begun the whole kids discussion thing 6 months before that. In my case, I think it helped to remind him that it might not work out -- because of health issues, I had a 25% miscarriage risk. So it was wait a few months, we're still not really sure. But if you're worried about him asking you to abort that could be a dangerous tack; I knew my DH would never ask that of me.

I found it was worse if I kept talking about it, so I just let it lie and only talked about upcoming appointments and such as they arose, and he slowly got used to the idea.

If it helps, I am now 35 weeks and my DH took a complete u-turn and is really excited, and looking at more baby stuff than I am!

Thanks so much for all the advice so far, I hope you realise just how helpful it all is. I haven't discussed this with anyone in the "real" world because I don't want there to be any chance of my child ever finding out their father didn't want them.

I've bought a digital test and am going to do it, as Ardenbird says, with my partner there too. That way he can see the result for himsef and I don't have to "tell" him. I also splashed the cash on a digital one because I think it'll help if he sees the words quite literally in black and white.

I'm just terrified to do the test now. I was considering doing it this evening, but I think there's a very real chance he'll shout at me/ say I "trapped" him/ order me to get an abortion, or storm out of the house. I'm so scared.

If I am pregnant, like I said before, I'm definitely keeping this baby. I do have supportive family members, even though they live a long way away from me. My mother-in-law would also be very supportive and would probably take my "side" over that of her son if it came to that - but, again, she lives an hour and a half's drive away.

I really hope it doesn't come to that, though. I love my partner very, very much and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I just hope that he doesn't make me choose between him and our child.

If he leaves you over this then in the long run you are better off even though it will be heartbreaking in the short term. If he really could walk away from a 7 yr relationship and his own child then his actions would speak loudly for his character. I am 40 and doing it on my own - my DD is 4 months and I am still standing, in fact bouncing. Yes it is hard work but doable. I suspect however that it is the typical 'man Nerves' and he will come round! BUT if push comes to shove you can do it!

Hi, it sounds like there's never going to be a good time to do the test, but at least if you do it tonight you know one way or the other for definite, rather than being in limbo. Do you have friends or family around who you can turn to if he does walk out? (although I can understand you not wanting to let any one know)
I thought the ardenbird's advice was excellent

I don't have anyone nearby who I could see tonight if he does walk out, but there's plenty of people at the end of a phone line. I'm really, really hoping it doesn't come to that though.
However, it's not looking good so far - I just told him I wanted us to do the second test together tonight and his response was to say he's going to the pub and not to wait up. If I didn't laugh I'd most definitely cry.
Also, the advice here has been absolutely excellent. I honestly don't know what I'd have done without it, and I feel much stronger and more confident as a result of posting on here. I'm glad I did!

I'm sorry to speak ill of you OH but he really sounds like he doesn't deserve you. He seems to be in complete denial and therefore putting of the moment when he has to face the truth.

I really feel for you Donna, reading your story is really making me appreciate my OH all the more.

I hope for your sake that you do the test soon, and then you can start preparing for the future whether it's with or without him.
Never forget that we're all here when you need some support

Donna, Just a thought. What if you are NOT pregnant.
How will you feel about DP then. You now know he can back track on you.

You really want a baby and he now doesn't.

Would it be a good time to rethink the whole of your relationship epsecially with the attitude he has of 'God, you better not be pregnant' I mean WTF!!

Okay, so I did a Clearblue digital test this morning - and it's positive. I'm pregnant!!

I got my partner to read it back to me - he looked at the result before I did, although I was already pretty sure what it would say. I haven't felt myself for more than a week.
He said "no, oh no....NO" and hid under the bedcovers. Which wasn't exactly the reaction I'd hoped for, although it was what I'd expected.
Then followed a half-hour shouted rant in which he accused me of "trapping" him and said I'd got pregnant without his "consent." Well, he'd been having unprotected sex with me for several weeks, so I can't see how I trapped him.

He then said lots of not-so-pleasant things about my "tiny little brain" and how I'd "planned this all along." The culmination was him annoucning it was completely the wrong time, we can't afford it (he hasn't got a job at the moment, I'm the sole breadwinner) and, ultimately, that I should have an abortion.
Obviously I was very upset and he was still shouting at me when I left to go to work.
Not sure where I go from here.

I should add that I'm still feeling quite positive, despite this. I'm going to do it with or without him - hopefully with him - and I really hope that this morning's outburst is just an initial shock. But we shall see.

Congratulations!

Well, you do kind of know where you're going from here - you're going to have a baby. It's up to your partner now to decide where he's going. I'm not sure that there's anything you can do other than look after yourself and wait for him to grow up (or not).

I really hope all goes well for you.