Expectant fathers - are they always slightly useless!?

[JenJen84]

Bless my dp (as I see you refer to them here!) and bless me. I can't quite decide if he's shell shocked, happy, unhappy, indifferent or indeed all of the above.

I knew I was pregnant long before we took the test, but even when I did, I can't remember him barely looking up from the washing up.

Of course, when spoken to, he will respond...ie "I dreamt we were having a boy!" "Yeah a boy would be nice" but nothing else. He wont move the conversation forward and definitely wont start one.

Before anyone says "he's a man!" Yes he is, but he's certainly not your average guy. He's really sensitive to others, only a few weeks ago he was back and fore on the phone and with his aunty and uncle (she was in for a hip replacement) and last year his Mum came back from a cruise with a bad chest and he was "really worried about her". So I know he's capable of being interested and acting interested!

I've opened up the lines of communication over it at least 4/5 times. There's been arguments (me crying because I think he doesn't want it) Begging (me pleading with him to show and interest) and everything inbetween. I have told him if he doesn't want the baby we can sort that out, I'd never hold it against him, I'd hate it more if he took us all through having it, when he didn't want it.

He has assured me he's happy and excited, however he's not acting happy or excited - or remotely interested.

I am really lost at where to go from here, if I'm honest I can't stem the rising knot of worry I have growing in me that he's not excited, interested or happy about it. I don't know whether I now need to accept, this might be my pregnancy, with an emotionally absent father. Or do I challenge it again, although I must admit, I am getting to FEEL like a stuck record..

Sorry this is so long, just wanted to let it all out to people who will hopefully understand!

JenJen x

DH is quite the useless husband... but he is an incredible father

From day 1 he has been amazing with DS :)

I can't decide if I should take that as : you have 6 more useless months ahead OR you have a whole lifetime of awesomeness ahead (after 6 months!)

I had visions of being pampered, looked after, cosetted...I'm quite sure he barely notices I exist!

A woman becomes a mother when she finds out she is pregnant.

A man becomes a father when the child is born.

Don't ask me why, it's just true.

That's an interesting anecdote (hope that's the right term!) but it does seem to make sense - men being visual creatures and all that.

Does that mean then, that I do have to put up with this level of indifference and that it's normal? I guess if I hear that, at very least I can accept that this is part of the bargain!!

Normal for some men. Again not saying its right but I don't think your DP is weird.

My DP is great and really looks after me. He is so excited at becoming a daddy for the first time in 11 weeks and 3 days time. xx

I have to agree with tigress - my DP wasn't too great and didn't seem that interested during my pg but the moment DD arrived he became an incredible dad and has probably bonded with her more than I have! It can be quite abstract for blokes during pg, I think, and can take them a bit of time to get thier head around it all. I know it seems worrying now but it will all be fine, he sounds like he will be a wonderful dad x

I guess maybe I need to consider finding my support structure, elsewhere. It is a shame as I really visualised it being a truly binding thing between us (not that it needed to be but he's just so lovely that I just thought it would be)

However if I keep needing him to offer something he can't/wont then I'll put undue stress on the both of us.

Roll on when we can tell people and I can lean on family and friends and meet some new ones in antenatal classes x

Hmm, maybe give him some directed reading. I like the pregnancy bit of the NHS web-site as a starting point, as it's very bite-size and gives information about what's happening to the baby and the mother at each stage.

He probably just doesn't have a clue about pregnancy and thinks the arrival of the child is a long way away. The changes and potential complications can come as a surprise to people who think it's a commonplace and no big deal in itself.

I think you need to tell him how you feel, physically, as well as emotionally and spell out what the physical limitations might be at each stage. Then make clear what help you need.

My DP was reasonably aware about things like morning sickness and tiredness and expected to attend scans and pre-natal classes with me but I had to explain what the implications of my hip pain were - I cannot lean forwards to mop floors or vacuum for instance (such a shame!), more reminders are going to be needed before the exercise ball is inflated and my hopes for a helpful back massage (even though I told him the doctor had told me he should do it, three months ago) have faded away. That's because he's a bit lazy, complacent and expects to be 'managed' which I hate having to do and always claims to have had good intentions, as if that amounts to anything. So I'd say spell it out and tell him exactly what's expected.

Yummymummy, that's an oddly smug and unhelpful post but good for you I guess!!!

My DH is an amazing father and has a DS from a previous relationship so I knew he would be before i'd even conceived.

But he wasn't all that into my pregnancy to begin with and as my DD barely kicked he never really did that whole feeling my bump etc.. that I'd been looking forward to.

I think that saying Tigress posted is very true of a lot of men.

If it upsets you, by all means explain that to him but I wouldn't worry over it, I don't think it's a cause for concern particularly.

He will most definitely be a brilliant father, he's so gentle and dependable. I couldn't want for more in that respect.

He is being a bit of an ostrich while he still can because deep down he is probably panicking a bit about the prospect of being a dad which is completely normal.

My DH is very baby orientated, but even I found once our babies started kicking so that he could feel it he became more excited and talked to my belly to build a relationship. Give him some space, but when you do feel movements that are strong enough encourage him to touch the belly and talk to your baby, the baby will learn to recognise his voice and kick in response.

It is different for men and much more abstract as they don't feel it all, but once that little baby is in his arms no doubt he will melt like countless others before him!

Thanks for the tip off with the NHS website, will park that infront of him one evening after dinner.

I think my feelings are made worse by the fact I moved in with him just over a year ago (away from my family and friends) and even though its only 20miles away, I guess I feel a little isolated. We live on a rural farm also so it's not exactly the hubbub of entertainment here! I have been looking for a part time job to keep me ticking above - but they are like hens teeth!

All of this together may be making me too needy of him maybe?

I agree with tigress. Yes, they get the idea that you're pregnant but its purely theoretical. Last time around, DP did get a bit involved towards the end when kicks & punches were visible through my clothes and he'd occasionally pat the bump but he never sat there singing lullabies to it (as some of my friends' DPs did), book me in for pregnancy massages or show any interest in the major decision of what theme DD's nursery should have. All I could do was remember the big grin when I'd first told him I'd been pregnant and remind myself that he was very good at doing all of the cooking when I was really sick in the first trimester & was making me lots of cups of tea (only when asked, not off his own bat). This time around, he's been as useless and I think the only discussion he has initiated related to pregnancy was about the size of my breasts which seemed to go up a cup size overnight at the weekend.

However, he is a fantastic father. And has been since DD was about 3 minutes old and he first held her. He can settle her when I can't, has all sorts of silly rituals & songs, does his fair share of getting up in the night with her.
I agree it can be really frustrating but try not to worry as it definitely doesn't mean he'll be a bad father.
To be honest, this time around, I'm enjoying the fact that I get to plan the nursery, choose outfits etc and get to do what I want to do.

The scans are pretty amazing, esp 20 weeks when you can see a lot, then the kicking can be quite interactive!

Although I knew from early on, took a test as early as possible and had clear symptoms in the first trimester, I was still quite impressed / relieved by the 12 week scan, 'there really is something in there' myself, so I think getting to grips with the invisible reality can be a bit tricky.

What exactly is it that you want from him though? You say you want to be pampered and cossetted? For me personally, if dp did that it would drive me insane, and any women I know who expect to be treated like that all through pregnancy make me a bit stabby . In the early stages of pregnancy, there really is no indication that he can see that anything has changed. He won't understand the tiredness, the sickness unless you explain. Obviously as you get bigger it'll be more obvious to him that this is having a massive affect on you (duh) but so early on I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing that he's not buying babygros and rubbing your feet.

Thanks murtette in honesty in our house, my OH is the major decision maker and takes the lead in everything we do. He always has been, so it's a little odd to think I might be making decisions on my own I dont know if I remember how!

What exactly is it that you want from him though?

Well in honesty, I think some interest would suffice. Things like
-"have you managed to speak to the midwife?" (I've been worrying for a week over it)
-asking me how I feel
-showing an interest in telling his parents, telling his friends - telling anyone

As for how I'd like to be physically treated, well yes, I would enjoy some physical attention, maybe a few extra hugs and things. I know it would make some people feel claustrophobic but we're a very demonstrative couple usually. Currently I feel like the light has been switched off.

I think women (in general, myself included) have unrealistic expectations of how men are supposed to feel about pg.

I'm 7ish weeks. DH is aware that the first trimester is touch and go at best, so he's not "got into it" particularly. When I told him I was pg, he said "oh that is lovely, i love to see you look so happy" and then asked what was for breakfast. because in his mind, you get excited when the baby arrives, not when it's a bundle of cells that hasn't yet made its mind up about being born.

We don't discuss the pregnancy much, because to him it's still not a done deal so there is no point spending hours deliberating about random stuff that might not have any bearing on reality. I trust him to be a good father when baby arrives, and he trusts me to set him on the right path/offer him the information he needs when he needs it. That is fine with us. Can you take a similar view with your DP maybe?

It sounds like you are quite anxious and don't trust your partner to step up to the proverbial plate when the time comes. Is that the issue? If you examine this carefully, do you think this is a rational anxiety? If it is (i.e. if you realise you don't trust him, and you are within your rights not to, for xyz reasons), then I'd suggest counselling so you can get your ducks in a row for yourself, without needing to rely on him.

I think in honesty I am more worried that he doesn't want the baby and is only going along with it.

I am the child of a lone parent and (this is only my own opinion) I would never ever want to bring up a child on my own.

I found my dh got more and more interested as the pregnancy progressed. The scans really helped in making things more real for him.

I remember feeling like this at the start of my pregnancy. :)

Ooh JenJen you sound just like me! even down to the living miles away from friends on a remote rural farm part. My husband, although hugely excited to have a little person in his arms really can't get excited about the whole pregnancy package. It's not that he doesn't care, it's just, for him things haven't really changed yet.

It can be tricky when you live out in the sticks to have a good old gossip with another female (I seem to find myself surrounded by big burly Welsh farmers all day long) and I find in the past I have rather hoped my husband would fill the gap. I'm guessing if you are quite isolated and not working outside of the farm, being pregnant is the main thing to occupy your thoughts and you want someone to talk it all though with, personally I'd really think about telling a couple of close friends (even before the magic 12 weeks are up) and getting excited with them. My husband, although excited in his own quite way, can only muster up so much enthusiasm for hearing our baby is the size of an avocado, my girlfriend on the other hand can get quite giddy for hours about it :)

My DH is seemingly totally disinterested. He doesn't really want to feel the bump move - when I offer he says "no you're ok I already felt it". I'm 38+5 and asked him the other day if he was looking forward to the baby being here and he said "well, not especially". He doesn't want to cut the cord and he's not excited at all. He has a little bit of The Fear but seems to be more bothered that he's going to have some disturbed nights coming up.

BUT...I know that when bump turns into baby he will be totally supportive of me and might even bond with the baby. He's more likely to be interested a bit further along because he likes it more when children respond and you can interact with some reward.

Absolutely agree with tigress, Bella and murtette. I think it's partly because it's you going through it, and he has to just be watching as this "entity" makes you big and uncomfortable and weepy and irrational (and in some cases watching you having a horrible time - e.g. I am currently covered in the most debilitatingly itchy rash - and I mean COVERED - you name a part of my body, it's covered in a rash - sorry for TMI!) - and he can't do a thing about it.

Anyhow, what I think I'm trying to say is that I think it is typical of some men to show little if no interest in the pregnancy bit, but to step up to the plate and surprise the hell out of us when baby arrives.

I bought him "The Bloke's Guide to Pregnancy" bu Jon Smith so that he would at least have some understanding of why I just wanted to eat crap, or hated the smell of his deodorant, or would weep uncontrollably out of the blue, but I joined a MN baby bus (look in the antenatal clubs bit to see if there's one for your due month) which has turned out to be the best and most constant source of support I could possibly have asked for. A whole lot of us are also now on FB as a group and I'm so glad for that.

So yeah - men are crap, but ladies are fabulous! Chin up - hope you can feel better about things soon!

It's all a bit abstract for him right now. Scans will help, placing his hands on your tummy and feeling it kick will help, for us going to NCT classes together helped a lot as he got to chat to other dads-to-be.
Ultimately he only really came into his own once DS was a year old, he loved him to bits as a baby, just didn't really know what to do with him.

I think in honesty I am more worried that he doesn't want the baby and is only going along with it.

That's a v uncomfortable feeling :(

Has he said or done anything specific that makes you feel this way? (What i mean is, something that definitely points very clearly to him not wanting to child, rather than just not seeming that happy/excited)