Expectant fathers - are they always slightly useless!?

[JenJen84]

Bless my dp (as I see you refer to them here!) and bless me. I can't quite decide if he's shell shocked, happy, unhappy, indifferent or indeed all of the above.

I knew I was pregnant long before we took the test, but even when I did, I can't remember him barely looking up from the washing up.

Of course, when spoken to, he will respond...ie "I dreamt we were having a boy!" "Yeah a boy would be nice" but nothing else. He wont move the conversation forward and definitely wont start one.

Before anyone says "he's a man!" Yes he is, but he's certainly not your average guy. He's really sensitive to others, only a few weeks ago he was back and fore on the phone and with his aunty and uncle (she was in for a hip replacement) and last year his Mum came back from a cruise with a bad chest and he was "really worried about her". So I know he's capable of being interested and acting interested!

I've opened up the lines of communication over it at least 4/5 times. There's been arguments (me crying because I think he doesn't want it) Begging (me pleading with him to show and interest) and everything inbetween. I have told him if he doesn't want the baby we can sort that out, I'd never hold it against him, I'd hate it more if he took us all through having it, when he didn't want it.

He has assured me he's happy and excited, however he's not acting happy or excited - or remotely interested.

I am really lost at where to go from here, if I'm honest I can't stem the rising knot of worry I have growing in me that he's not excited, interested or happy about it. I don't know whether I now need to accept, this might be my pregnancy, with an emotionally absent father. Or do I challenge it again, although I must admit, I am getting to FEEL like a stuck record..

Sorry this is so long, just wanted to let it all out to people who will hopefully understand!

JenJen x

Its funny as when I mentioned to my DH I had quite a lot to ask my midwife at my next appointment he asked what it was that I needed to discuss I quipped 'what's its got to do with you, you're only interested when they come out!'. He nodded in agreement.

And this is by no means a negative reaction on either part, just an understanding of him after 20 years together and 5 pregnancies (this will be our 4th and final addition).

I really wouldn't take his lack of interest as an indication of not wanting the baby, and while you are feeling the changes it can be very hard for men to get into the pregnancy zone, just like PMT its something of a mystery!

Maybe taking a more relaxed view rather than forcing the issue may help him adjust, there are lots of exciting times ahead for you both.

Hormones do very strange things so I understand you want reassurance from him, I can sometimes ache for my DH to come home and hes only at work! But I realise this is some cave woman type throw back feeling from the hormone pool! I also obsess about his safety,again I can see that this is some primeval instinct designed to protect my babies!

So, what I am trying to say is that it can be quite unerving for both prospective mums and dads the changes you are going through, its a massive life changing event but somewhere along the line you will meet in the middle whether in the practical 'build a cot' sense or coming up with the perfect name choice out of the blue, you will I am sure, forget how anxious you were.

In the meantime enjoy buying baby magazines,chatting online with the great community that is mumsnet and just take each wonderful day of being pregnant as it comes!

Don't panic! my OH was exactly like this, I am now about to drop and he has warmed up slightly. In my experience he just seemed really shell shocked about it all, I wanted to talk it though all the time and shouted at him several times along the lines of 'you're just not interested'. All the way to the first scan he moaned about a cereal bowl I'd left in the bedroom?!. But he moans about trivial sh*t when he's nervous & I just realised that it was his way of dealing with the horrible time we'd had at a previous scan with a m/c bean.
He has been creeped out by the moving belly and doesn't want to touch it but he has done.
Its just my OH's way, its not like he doesn't care. Now he is starting to talk and joke about it all and telling me to look after myself. I guess for us ladies its an instant thing once you get the +test for some guys it takes a while to sink in and get it.
Give him a bit of time x

JenJen the problem with pregnancy & hormones is that however much he assures you that he wants you to be pregnant, you're probably not going to believe him! My first pregnancy was a surprise and so I did sit down with DP and ask him to tell me what he wanted to do as, if he wasn't planning on hanging around for the first few years, I'd rather know and make any decisions accordingly. So I suppose I also had that reassurance, however unsupportive he was being on a particular day.
On a practical level, do you know anyone else who is pregnant? I ended up getting close to a friend's wife and getting back in regular contact with a Uni friend I'd more or less lost touch with just because we were at similar stages and so could bore each other stupid with ailments, worries & decisions. Of course, our children are now at very similar stages and we're still in contact & compare notes on a weekly basis even though one of them has now moved to the other end of the country. They probably gave me more support than DP did on a day to day level.
Also, have you considered joining NCT or something similar? That way you'd meet local mums and be able to get support from them & offer them support in the last few weeks of pregnancy (few classes start before the third trimester) and in the first few months - or longer - of your DC's life.

Oh and if I stand any chance of anyone in this house taking an interest in my undulating belly, I have to add special effects like my 4 yr olds toy soldiers staged in mock battle!

JenJen, I do think this can be normal for some men and not necessarily indicative of their father potential, but still not nice for you.

Have you had a scan yet? If you're going to have them I think that can help make it more real for men too.

One other thing that may be a way off for you yet. My husband was like this during pregnancy and I struggled to get him to show interest in what support I'd need during the birth. He was indeed useless as a birth partner which led to worry before and a little resentment after. I think having a doula would have really helped in this aspect so perhaps something to consider.

I think it's a bit unfair to call him 'useless'!!! What do you actually expect him to do?? I would understand what you were saying if he refusing to help you in a situation when you were indisposed.

As a lot of posters have said my DP couldn't have been less interested if he tried through both pregnancies but is a fantastic hands on father. It is frustrating when they're really not interested in scans or discussing baby names but I think it's all very abstract for them.

However I am still incredibly irritated by DP's assertion 11 and 8 years on that he had no input into our boys names. That, as I point out, is because he wasn't remotely interested when I was pregnant and there there was no way the baby was waiting for 6 weeks to get a name. With DS1 I said he could choose the middle name which he did take very seriously once DS was here and bought books and everything. However he was so indecisive we couldn't register the birth until 5 weeks 5 days!!!

Oh and one other thing I didn't mention in my post earlier...I persuaded DH to come to MW appointments with me in an effort to help him feel involved but the MWs basically ignored him during the appointments. i should clarify that this was MY experience and it may not be the same all over the country, but he actually felt really shut out and has refused to come to any more (apart from the scans).

My mw basically ignores me in appointments, if I could send a robot in to hand over the pot of wee she might not notice.

Just to second what many ladies on this thread are also saying, my DH seemed pretty uninterested in our previous pregnancy (asked v.few questions, not fussed about touching bump etc) but was THE most devoted and fantastic father as soon as DS appeared. Our baby was IVF so I know he was very much wanted by us both, it was just DH's way. Now I'm pregnant with our second I'm happy for DH to show as little or as much interest as he likes, I know he'll step up when needed. I'm sure your DP will too.

My hb got more responsive the bigger I've gotten. He's a lot more worried about having nappies in and getting the nursery organised now we've got about 8 weeks till edd.

We started parenting classes last week and were split into mums 2 be and dads 2 be. We were asked to write down what we wanted to learn over the next 4 weeks. The dads basically boiled down to what can we do to be helpful especially in the labour suite the mw told them prepare to be sworn at. That was it. It was a real shame these 5 dads 2 be wanted to know how they could be of use wanting some advice and that was the reply they got.

The dads basically boiled down to what can we do to be helpful especially in the labour suite the mw told them prepare to be sworn at. That was it.

That's really disgraceful actually. I hate how men are excluded from so much when it comes to this sort of thing :( I've a friend whose DP walked out on her and their newborn because he was just bricking it and unable to cope. Even she says, several years on, that she doesn't fully blame him for it.

My DH asked a week or so ago if I would mind getting him some good books from the library about pregnancy, labour, birth & the first few months of baby care, so he can start slowly getting acquainted with things. It took a long time to find ones that even mentioned Dads or partners in any sort of active role. Really shitty.

This was the best one I found in case anyone's interested: www.amazon.com/Be-Prepared-Practical-Handbook-Dads/dp/0743251547

...amazing tips for supporting partner during post-partum period, and also baby care. Lots of really useful stuff that I'd never read in a mum-to-be book. Also quite funny, but in a helpful sort of way.

Long-time lurker on mumsnet, but finally joined as I felt I've got to reply!

I am 28 weeks pregnant at the moment, and only just feeling that my DP is interested in the baby.

I expected that when I told him I was pregnant I would be getting back massages, lots of support, singing to my belly etc, but that still hasn't happened. I think now that I'm starting to get quite big, and I can't hide my bump anymore, he's started to take more of an interest. I truly feel that it is not going to hit him until he holds the baby for the first time. He has never really been around children much, and I certainly don't think he's ever held a tiny baby.

My mum and step-dad have 5 children between them, and my step-dad has always been very very very uninterested in the pregnancy, but I don't think you could ask for a better father. He is my step-dad, and has been an excellent dad to me, never mind his biological children too.

I wouldn't panic too much - just look after yourself and your little bump.

I am currently pregnant with DC3 and DH has become less interested with each pregnancy, however he is a fantastic dad who used to wake up just to pass DS to me in bed so I could feed him. He dotes on our boys.

He told me after I gave birth to DS1 that he was scared to get attached incase anything happened, which it very nearly did both times I also has a m/c in between so he feels it is self preservation as if anything went wrong he would want to be the strong one.

Thank you all so much for your replies, I feel so much better for reading them. To hear it's quite common in varying degrees has made me feel much better!

To answer a few questions, I'm around 11 weeks (so preg calculator says!) Midwife is coming later to arrange scans etc

He hasn't done anything to make me think he doesn't want the baby, I guess the real issue is - MY ideas of what he should be doing to show me he does want the baby? But I guess reading some of the responses, that's MY responsibility not his!

I can't wait to get to classes etc btw what is NCT? and meet other expectant Mums, they like you will understand I'm sure and it gives me a sounding board for all my worries! I have a lot, first baby, not particularly maternal previously etc!

Thanks again, it's meant to much to read your experiences and share my worries!

Thanks oikopolis. Will check out the book. Good luck JennJen 84 don't know about singing but my bump now gets lots of raspberries blown on it. I also encouraged DH to rub coco butter on the bump. Feel like zoe wanamaker in doctor who some nights "moisturise me! "moisturise me!" :o

Another shameless lurker here but I jut wanted to add to the crap in pregnancy wonderful father brigade. My DH was just not bothered, didnt want to go pram shopping or discuss furniture. Never went to a midwife appt, never asked how they went had a few barneys with him over his lack of interest (although did convince him in late pregnancy to rub my back when sore) but when DS arrived he was totally different and is the most wonderful hands on father. Second time around he's equally as disinterested, shows no excitement or enthusiasm but I feel reassured knowing that once baby is here he'll be fine. I think reality doesnt always hit for men until there's a proper baby in their arms.