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Original poster

WWYD - due 2 weeks before friend's wedding!

26 replies

BobbysBeardOfWonder · 18/01/2012 22:42

DC2 is due 2nd week of May. Friend's wedding is 2 weeks later. She is a good friend although has a very rose-tinted view on pregnancy, birth etc and happily tells people one of her other pg friends will have a week-old baby by the time of her wedding (slightly Hmm about that anyway!)

Should I try to explain to her that I might not actually be able to come to her wedding for a variety of reasons, eg if I go past due date, have emcs, or other birth issues? Or should I only tell her this if any issues arise in the few weeks before her wedding?

The other problem I have is that her hen weekend is 2 weeks before my due date! So similar problem here too.

I don't want to disappoint her way in advance but somehow feel she should be aware of all eventualities.

WWYD - say something now or not? I'm seeing her tomorrow.

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sasaunde · 18/01/2012 22:43

Say something. You genuinely may not be able to go and she needs to know that!

Original poster
BobbysBeardOfWonder · 18/01/2012 22:46

Forgot to add, DH & I are supposed to be singing in her wedding choir so aren't just random extras Grin

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 18/01/2012 22:55

yes, i would mention it

Tangle · 18/01/2012 22:58

I'd also say you should warn her that you may not be able to make it to either event. Even if everything goes perfectly, "term" is anywhere between 37 and 42 weeks so you could be giving birth either during her hen party or during her wedding or anywhere in between.

The more you have a role in the wedding the more she needs to know that with the best will in the world you may not be able to be there.

FetchezLaVache · 18/01/2012 23:01

Yes- what Tangle said. I was that rose-tinted bride who had no idea about pregnancy or babies and I had no idea that the fact my cousin was due on my wedding day might mean she might not be able to make it... Blush

In the event, she gave birth 4 days before, and turned up with the little one in tow, looking (I now realise) offensively good for 4 days post partum.

LugholesTheInvisible · 18/01/2012 23:03

Absolutely tell her now. All my four were 2wks plus overdue so it does happen and there is a chance you won't make the wedding. Or you may be lucky Envy and have your baby 2wks early and not make the hen party. Entirely possible.

Say now so she can't accuse you of giving her enough notice.

Congrats!

LugholesTheInvisible · 18/01/2012 23:04

Of NOT giving enough notice. Obviously.

Original poster
BobbysBeardOfWonder · 18/01/2012 23:14

Ok ta, will 'mention it' tomorrow Wink

OP posts:
LugholesTheInvisible · 18/01/2012 23:48

Let us know how it goes!

Oh and will also expect a live birth thread...

LugholesTheInvisible · 18/01/2012 23:53

Oh as an aside, I drove to Scotland from England to attend my sister's wedding when dd1 was 4 days old. It was horrendous. It felt like my insides were falling out afterwards.

Don't be an idiot like me and give yourself time to recover. Honestly. Otherwise you will never trampoline with dignity again.

thisonehasalittlecar · 19/01/2012 00:01

You could always do what my mum did in a similar situation when she was pregnant with my db and book an induction a few days before Grin.

Original poster
BobbysBeardOfWonder · 19/01/2012 00:02
Grin
OP posts:
CointreauVersial · 19/01/2012 00:13

I was supposed to be bridesmaid to my sis, when I would have been 38+ weeks. I had to duck out of it, mainly because I couldn't guarantee I'd actually be there (and who wants to see a massively pg bridesmaid puffing down the aisle like a giant lilac marquee? Grin).

In the end, DS1 was a week late, so I made it, but felt like a beached whale all day and was very glad not to have a "role" to play.

rooksby · 19/01/2012 11:23

I think you should withdraw from her choir. There is a pretty good chance you won't make it - 70% of babies are born AFTER their due date and you may well not feel up to going even if you have delivered near your EDD.

A hen party at 38 wks pg is not my idea of a good time but you might be okay to go - if it involves a lot of travelling or being in the middle of nowhere you might want to rethink. If you do go into labour where is the nearest maternity unit? How would your DH get there? You say it's DC2, who'd look after DC1 if you were stuck in a hospital not local to you?

I get that you don't want to disappoint your friend but I think it would be worse to have a gap in the choir than just be a couple of guests down. I have been in a VERY similar position and resigned from my role in the wedding so my friend could replace me rather than be left in the lurch. I declined the whole invite in the end as very near term and in wedding venue middle of nowhere several hours drive from home. She did NOT understand at all and went all bridezilla on me, but I stood my ground and she realised how silly she was being.

If you are only expected as a guest it will be a bonus if you are able to go. However if you keep telling her it'll be fine and you'll go on the hen and be in the choir etc, don't expect her to understand if you have to let her down...

Original poster
BobbysBeardOfWonder · 19/01/2012 11:41

Hmm I think you're right rooksby - she won't like it or understand it but it will be worse if I leave her in the lurch. It's not helped by her constant comparing of her pg friends or those who recently gave birth; seems to be a competition who can get back to normal life the quickest Confused

It also doesn't help that another mutual friend of ours (and one of her 6 bridesmaids) is also due 2 weeks after her wedding Grin God knows what she's planning...

The wedding is semi rural and about 2/3 hours drive from home. DH and DD would come with me for the hen weekend (stay nearby) but it all seems v v risky now I think about it Sad

OP posts:
spannermary · 19/01/2012 12:15

I would try and have a word with your MW about it before talking to the bride-to-be. Purely because she will tell you it's not really feasible, and then you'll have a medical professional giving you a legitimate response to your friend. I assume she'll take genuine medical advice seriously and then it's not you being 'flaky' (in her eyes, obviously!!)

Of course this might not be possible, but worth a try. Even if you can't talk to MW before, saying "My MW thinks it's medically inappropriate for me to be planning this, and is concerned my child and I may be at risk" would be true -- so you could say it anyway!

TheSurgeonsMate · 19/01/2012 12:25

I don't know how much use the MW would be, I couldn't persuade mine to agree that travelling 400 miles to a wedding while trying to express and cup feed a two week old was an unrealistic undertaking.

JobCarHouseNoBaby · 19/01/2012 12:36

As a bride-to-be in a similar situation I'd prefer just to be told that "I might not be able to come so please don't count on me for any important roles, and if I do make it it will be an extra special bonus for you"

I am a complete organisation control freak and I'd rather know months in advance rather than build up a picture in my head of my hen night/wedding ceremony and be let down last minute.

My two friends are due 5 and 4 months before my wedding date, but both have said to me already that they don't know how they will cope with motherhood, both are travelling 2hrs+ to get here, so I fully expect them to just turn up on the day if they can, and if they can't they can't. I'm having my hen party 2 months before my wedding so I pretty much can count on them not coming to that. But what's important is that I know now so can get used to the idea.

Ok so my situation involves slightly older babies than yours, but pre-warning is deffo better than letting the bride get all excited as the weeks pass then be let down IMO.

horseynewmum · 19/01/2012 12:44

Hey I'm in a similar situation as you. I have a family wedding 10 days after EDD of DC1. Me and DH have told family that we would like to attend but it all depends on when DC1 arrives and any other issues. Family have accepted this and said it be nice treat to have a new born at the wedding

I think tell you friend you cannot provide a def answer as mother nature has a way of dealing with things. A true friend will understand

rooksby · 19/01/2012 12:56

My friend now has DC herself and is mortified by how she behaved - if she's a good friend she will be okay with it eventually! I cut my friend a bit of slack as she was very stressed with the wedding, she had family issues and I think I bore the brunt of her anger with a lot of other stuff, and she apologised and we got back to normal after a little while.

The distance for the hen is important - if you go to the wedding it WILL be with baby in tow so that's less of an issue. If you went into labour and had a smooth normal delivery and a totally healthy baby then fine, it would be a funny story how they were born somewhere miles from home but if you need to stay in it'd be a nightmare, if you had a transfusion or CS or if baby needed a bit of SCBU for example. My friend's wedding was nowhere near a decent size maternity unit and I knew if I gave birth then it would be an issue as I was about 36 wks I think.

horseynewmum · 19/01/2012 13:01

At my wedding I had one go in labour 2 weeks early and another 4 days late LOL. Been the talk after about how we know how tho have a good party lol

EdithWeston · 19/01/2012 13:11

I think you need to remind her, in a friendly conversational way, that babies don't run to a set timetable and that you cannot guarantee to be there. And ask what impact that would have on the choir, as you could be unavailable for an indeterminate period in the run up (final rehearsals?) or over the event itself. Then you can work together on what the best Plan B would be.

If I were in your place, I'd be aiming to clarify that you will be unable to accept the hen night invitation firmly, and likely to be too pregnant or newly post-delivery to participate fully. So if it's long/elaborate, it'd be better to count me out, but if it were something I could drop into if I was OK on the day, then could that be done. For the choir, I'd want to sing if I could, but only if the repertoire is straightforward (and I'd managed at least some rehearsal) and if the total make up of the choir were such that an absence wouldn't wreck it. I'd try to ensure DH could reliably take part in the choir, so it's clear it's force majeur not any form of unwillingness.

TimothyClaypoleLover · 19/01/2012 15:59

OP, I am shocked that one of her friends is going to be a bridesmaid at 38 weeks. I remember being a guest at a wedding at 36 weeks and it was miserable as my feet hurt, I was uncomfortable and fed up with being pregnant.

I think you should tell your friend that there is a good chance you won't make the wedding or the hen weekend. If your baby is on time it will only be 2 weeks old at the wedding and you will still be recovering from the birth. If its overdue, which most babies are then even worse.

Original poster
BobbysBeardOfWonder · 19/01/2012 16:15

Timothy the pg bridesmaid-to-be has yet to fully come to terms with everything pregnancy entails, it's her first. I feel sorry for her really cos she will find it even harder to disappoint our friend, and as far as I know is intending being at the wedding, all 38 weeks of her in a bm dress Confused Hmm

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TimothyClaypoleLover · 19/01/2012 16:22

Oh dear, poor bridesmaid.