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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

MIL at scan?

31 replies

Onlymydogunderstandsme · 17/01/2012 21:09

My DP didn't think he was going to be able to make it to our 20 week scan so I asked my sister if she would come with me (she is also my back up birth partner if DP can't be there as he's in the forces and due to be in Afghanistan), when MIL found out my sister was coming to the scan she then said she would come too (without being invited). I wasn't to haPpy about it as she is a very over emotional person and wouldn't be the right person to offer support if it was needed if anything was found at the scan but went along with it! DP can now make the scan, my sister said straight away she wouldn't come still as it was something for my partner and me, have said to MIL that DP can now make it but she's adament she still wants to come! I'm annoyed she can't see that really it's something special for DP and I to share but she's oblivious!! It's been difficult as she was very weird about the pregnancy to start with, we have been together for over 6 years yet she insinuated I had trapped my DP into something he didn't want which really hurt! All of a sudden she now says she has "accepted" it is starting to feel happy and excited!! Part of me thinks maybe I'm being harsh not wanting her there and it is nice she is excited but part of me just feels she's gatecrashing a special time and it's dependent on her mood to how involved she wants to be!! I also think the only reason she said she would come is because my sister was coming so she thought it was her right to be there too!

Sorry for the long post/rant, just had to get it off my chest and find out if I'm being unfair!!

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diedandgonetodevon · 17/01/2012 21:14

Can you not tell her you have just double checked your hospital's policy and they only allow one person to accompany you.

SeaweedNK · 17/01/2012 21:14

Tell her no. It's a special moment for you and DP. Sounds like you need to start setting some boundaries with MIL or you will have trouble when the baby arrives.

Sparkletastic · 17/01/2012 21:16

No is a complete sentence...

Impatientwino · 17/01/2012 21:16

Most hospitals have a policy where they only let one person in for the scan with you, it says on my scan letter - see if it mentions this on yours?

I love my MIL but there is no way I would want her with us at such a special moment !

Gumby · 17/01/2012 21:16

Your dp needs to tell her

She will be at the birth next

He needs to support you and tell her now

LydiaWickham · 17/01/2012 21:18

agree with others, say you've checked and you can only have one person with you and of course DP needs to be there, but you'll get a photo and could you go to hers afterwards to show her?

HidingInTheUndergrowth · 17/01/2012 21:19

This sounds like the time to start to practice saying 'no' to your MIL. You may also want to remind her that this scan is not about having a nice look at the baby and get a few pics, it is about checking for medical problems and you really do not need an audience there for something that can be very stressful if things aren't all fine and dandy.

Goodness, if you say ok with this she will be turning up at the birth next!

HidingInTheUndergrowth · 17/01/2012 21:20

whoops, cross posted with Gumby :o

needanewname · 17/01/2012 21:22

Just tell her no. It is for you and DP.

Actually, I'm wrong, just tell her no!

lancaster · 17/01/2012 21:26

I felt mean saying no to my MIL but really didn't want her there. Luckily she was gracious enough to easily accept that.

Original poster

Onlymydogunderstandsme · 17/01/2012 22:53

Thanks for the replies, just mentioned to DP about 1 person in the room but he remembered seeing a whole family going in when we went for the 12 week scan!! I think because she was so funny about the pregnancy to start with he thinks it will be a good thing for all of us for her to come! I'm going to check with the hospital tomorrow anyway about how many people are allowed in and just hope it's one! I know I need to put my foot down but she has the habit of making a situation all about her (she did it with my 30th-whole other story!) and I really don't want that to overshadow the scan which should be a happy occasion if fingers crossed all is ok!! I dont want it to be remembered for a fall out!

OP posts:

needanewname · 17/01/2012 22:56

Just tell him NO!

piprabbit · 17/01/2012 23:04

Tell her that she can give you a lift, drop you at the door and then pick you up again. Tell her how much you appreciate her offer to help , it will save you lots of hassle and a small fortune in car parking fees.

YuleingFanjo · 17/01/2012 23:09

tell him no, tell her no. Point out that a scan is not always good news and you won't want her there if anything is wrong.

OhTheConfusion · 17/01/2012 23:59

It is not a family day out, it is a medical appointment. Have a word with your MW and ask if she can help.

ArtexMonkey · 18/01/2012 00:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LoveInAColdClimate · 18/01/2012 07:45

You need to just say NO or you are in for a lifetime of unwanted intrusion. Good luck.

birdsofshoreandsea · 18/01/2012 07:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HardCheese · 18/01/2012 07:55

You're the mother, here - the one carrying the baby! Surely your feelings matter more than your mother-in-law's on this occasion, so why are you worrying about her response, as though it's the only one that matters?

Agree with those who say it's a medical appointment, not a cute family bonding session or a spectator sport. Doesn't matter what hospital policy actually is, but you can use it as a convenient get-out if you aren't prepared to be upfront and say you only wanted other people there when your OH wasn't able to attend. Good luck!

KatAndKit · 18/01/2012 08:00

This is just ridiculous. If you were going into hospital for a colonoscopy you would not have half your relatives arguing to come and have a look at what's up your bum.
I know they are excited about seeing the baby but it is a medical examination. They can see the scan picture afterwards. They don't need to be in the room at the time. My hospital does actually have the one person with you policy.
Remember, the appointment is for YOU, you are the patient, you get to choose.

If you want them to be able to come to a scan with you, suggest they fork out for a private 4d scan for you once you know everything is ok. But if you don't want to do that, just tell them no.

vix1980 · 18/01/2012 08:28

Sorry but like othersd have said the 2nd scan is different to the first, at my 1st i saw groups of people going in for the scan but when they sent the appt for my next scan in a couple of weeks it actually says on it in bold letters only 1 other person will be allowed in. the people there are there to do their job and they dont need an audience for it, neither do you.

i had this problem but with my own mum, and when mil found out she wanted to come too, i said no to both as it was hospital policy to only allow 1 in and that was my partner (which wasnt a lie), they were both fine with this as i promised to get them a picture each, so keeps them sweet! seriously say o now or you'll be regretting it in years to come when she takes over everything and forces her way in. make it out to your dp that as you dont see him that much as hes away you were really looking forward to this special moment between you two, i doubt your mother in law was there when the baby was concieved so why she feels she has to push in now is beyond belief.

randommoment · 18/01/2012 09:09

Even if it doesn't specifically say 'only one other person allowed', you can always lie.

Original poster

Onlymydogunderstandsme · 18/01/2012 17:01

Thanks for the replies and advise, I spoke to my midwife and she said it is one person at a scan, two in extreme cases, which this isn't!! She did say if there was time maybe she could pop in for a quick look at baby on screen. Explained this to MIL and she has made the decision not to come so saved me having to actually say 'no'. I am not a wimp, just don't want to upset anyone and MIL is easily upset and over emotional and then that would have upset DP and it's just not worth it!!

OP posts:

ArtexMonkey · 18/01/2012 19:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Onlymydogunderstandsme · 18/01/2012 20:11

Thanks ArtexMonkey-she is difficult, i dont think she does it on purpose she just doesn't think and is quite selfish! I have already said to DP that I want to control the visitors after the birth. We will have limited time together as DP will be on leave from Afghanistan when baby is due and I want the three of us to have quality time on our own-I will definately put my foot down on that!!

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