Do I have to have H at the birth?

[HackedOffAndPg]

Hello,

I won't go into the details of why I have got to this stage but my husband has been so unsupportive, dismissive and generally an arse all the way through my pregnancy that I now feel stressed and on egg shells if he is even in the same room as me.

I am not sure if we can work things out but, regardless of that, I really do not want him near me during labour. I can just imagine the comments he will come out with and frankly I would rather have a friend or a doula as I know I can trust them to be a supportive birth partner.

But can I ask for him not to be there? Obviously as soon as the baby is born I would love for him to see her and bond with her (if he can get it together enough to do that) but will not being at the birth make that harder? I don't really care if he's pissed off with me as I think I need to do whatever makes me more relaxed but I don't want to undermine his relationship with her.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

Yes, you only need to have who you want there. Tell the midwives that you don't want him and he won't be admitted :) You have to do what's right for you at the time.

Thank you! That's good to know

As a fellow partner to a complete nob, whats the issue? is he freaking out? is it your first baby?

Just wondering if its worth sorting before he gets stopped at the door as it may cause more drama for you and the baby if it is not communicated prior to this point. He may not want to go in which case it might be a relief to you and stop any additional stress in your last few weeks.

I suppose it depends on how you think he will react and where your relationship is right now and its prospects post birth. If he like my OH is anxious, making it all about him, being a total arse but ultimately you judge that he will make a good father & may settle back into being a good husband when the drama dies down, it would be worth sorting it now. You could tell him your plans to have a friend for the main part whilst he waits outside in a no offense but you stress me out, it will be better for me but Id like you there after the birth sort of way. Him being stopped at the door & refused entry may damage your relationship further. I guess even if you split up as a result, you will need a relationship of some sort.

I suppose, what I am saying is it won't just end with the birth, having a newborn may be stressful and what you don't want is feeling anxious about returning home or continued arguments with OH throwing the fact that he felt humiliated at the hospital in your face when you are dealing with your new baby.

If he is an unretrievable arse (which from your post I dont think you are saying this) then you need further help than just the birth.

Have been through these thoughts myself with my OH. I suppose having a baby is extremely stressful for a couple, communication is difficult sometimes (most times for us!) but ultimately it is key to protection of yours and baby's present and future stress levels.

Good Luck, it is difficult when you've already got one overgrown baby in the house :)

xxx

George our partners sound very similar! You are right, it's not that he's a lost cause but he seems to be getting quite resentful about the amount of attention I am getting from friends and family and the fact that I can't give him my undying attention any more as I need to do things like, you know, sleep, put my feet up, go and see the midwife etc!

He is very excited about the baby and I'm sure he will be absolutely fine with her but his need to make sure that everything is always about him is driving me insane. He gets particularly irate and childish when anyone asks me how I am or offers to do something for me and keeps banging on about all the things that can go wrong in pregnancy and at the birth... which obviously doesn't lead to the calmest, most positive atmosphere for me.

In my mind I can see the birth being one long argument with him telling the midwives I am just attention seeking and that he's the one who's having a hard time

And god forbid that I am in labour over night as he'll most likely kick me off the bed so he can have a good kip.

I know it all sounds really petty as he hasn't done any one huge thing that is dreadful, and I think he's just fighting the fact that he'll no longer be the centre of attention.

Your points makes total sense though - I need to talk this through with him now rather than have him frogmarched out on D-Day. TBH I wouldn't be surprised if he is fine with the idea of not being there as it means there'll be no pressure on him to do really difficult things like be nice to me. Grrrrrrr.

Thanks for the advice

PS yes it's our first and she's an IVF baby so he's already pissed off about the "attention" I got during the IVF process ... although frankly I would happily have swapped injecting myself twice a day and being poked and prodded like a prize heifer for simply getting a little romantic with a plastic cup!

at him being jealous of you getting "attention" during IVF. Bloody hell.

I do think you ought to discuss it rather than just having him turned away at the door, although it sounds like you're now going to do that.

Have you thought about what you will do during early labour while you're still at home, if you are living together? Do you want him there, or would you rather have your mum or a friend/doula? Will he be prepared to go elsewhere while you labour?

I am really shocked at his behaviour but also that you feel tgat once the baby is here he will be alright. I think you need to prepare yourself for the fact that it might not be.

I am worried about you OP. How old is your DH? Will he do things for you if you are up at night feeding the baby, eg let you nap? And why isn't he embarrassed to admit he doesn't like not getting the attention?

I really hope he is kind to you, because it is hard with a newborn and you will need some support.

Well, I'm pretty about a partner that gets jealous of the attention his pg wife gets but let's leave that to one side. No you don't have to have him there - had either of my sisters lived closer to us, DH and I both agreed that it would have been better for me to have had my sister there for labour, and DH to come soon after the birth. Unfortunately, they both live in other countries, so it wasn't possible. I do think though, that you need to sort this out with your husband beforehand. Presenting it as 'I think it would be easier/more relaxed to have XX there.' is probably the best way forward.

As to not being at the birth making it harder for him to bond with his baby, I don't think that's a given. In the last generation, men were never there, for which my dad says he's truly thankful, and plenty of them bonded just fine with their children, just as some men who are at the birth struggle to bond.

Ultimately, it's about you when it comes to the birth and what you need to have the best possible labour and birth for both you and the baby. Good luck!

Hello all,

Sorry, I realise that my comment about being sure everything will be fine once the little person is with us sounded a bit flippant and wasn't really what I'm feeling. I know that there is a massive chance that DH will still be a nob even when she's arrived.

I am very lucky that I have a great support network nearby if DH is an arse after the birth. I have two brothers, two fabulous sisters in law and three baby-mad nieces (aged 19-17) who have all said they would be happy to help. I also have lots of friends within walking distance and some of them have little people of their own. One of my SILs has seen some of DH's nobbishness and said she will come and stay if I want, or the baby and I can go and stay with her if that's easier. She's also said she'll come and pick me up and drive me to hospital if I need her to even if it's during the night (she rocks )

I guess my dilemma is that I don't want to call in the troops until I know the score with DH as I think that once I start getting my family in or staying with them, it's fairly terminal to our relationship and I don't want to be precipitous and judge how he'll be after the baby is born before she's actually here.

My main concern at the moment is the birth as a) I'm terrified! b) I don't want to do anything that will permanently screw up DH's relationship with his daughter. However, I am really reassured by your comments about needing to make sure I'm in the best state of mind possible and that not having him there right at the very moment of birth is unlikely to cause a lasting problem between them.

I do remember my Dad saying that he was shoo'd out of the room by the midwives at all of his children's births and he's done OK with us!

I have told DH how I feel - I did it in the context of going through my birth plan again and saying that I needed to make sure I had the right support in the room. He was pretty shocked that I didn't want him in there with me but admitted that he could understand why. He wants me to reserve judgement for a bit longer to give him some time think.

He's also set up a session with a counsellor which is great but I am not expecting too much from this as I know counselling is a long term thing and unlikely to resolve much before the birth; I also know that setting up an appt is easy, but changing one's behaviour and attitude is much harder.

So I suppose I'll wait and see; although my birth plan will remain pretty clear that I just want my SIL in the room with me for now (just in case our little lady turns up before DH sorts his shit out).

Thank you all for your thought and advice though - I really appreciate it. I really didn't know what to expect by suggesting he wasn't in the room with me but your comments made me realise I had to raise the subject with him as I don't want to have any question in my mind about being looked after properly during labour and the birth.

I didn't have my DH in the room during the birth: lots of people were surprised but it is nobody else's business! I find there is a lot of 'each mother should do things her own way' where people actually mean 'within a certain framework' - it is YOUR birth and you must be comfortable.

He had been a massive pain in the arse for most of my pregnancy and absent (he works overseas) for a lot of it, plus he is very traditional and in his culture it is almost unheard of for a man to be in the labour room. That was fine by me, partly because I know I would have worried about him "is he ok, is he anxious, how is he feeling" during a time which needed to be about me and the baby. We had an agreement that he would be around but in a different rooms and he would be available to me immediately if I wanted him. I also gave him the option to comminicate via my mum (who was my birth partner) if he felt a desperate urge to come into the room - he didn't!

In the end he stayed with me until it was knickers-off time, then he left. My mum got him as soon as DS was born, and my husband told me the baby's sex and cut the cord. I also asked him to sit with his shirt off and cuddle the baby so he had a chance for skin-to-skin straight after I'd had him for an hour, so he could have that special bond (read up on this quite a lot, interesting). It worked for us, anyway.

Sorry for long post! Main point was that there are a million different marriages and a million different births and different ways to be happy. We are very difference, and my DH can still be a nobhead but he is 100% committed to being a great dad, and we carry on treading our own path through life.

Good luck to you x

Zorra thank you for sharing your experience, I really like the idea of agreeing a way of communicating if one or other of us is desperate for (D)H to be in the room. And the skin to skin contact sounds like a good way of helping them bond.

Also it's great to hear that not being at the birth hasn't stopped your husband being a good Dad.

Thank you

HackedOffAndPg this sounds very similar to the situation I'm in at the moment- please feel free to PM me if you want a chat :) . I've done loads of looking into this over the past couple of weeks and he definitely doesn't have to be there, if you don't want him there then he can't be.

Glad to hear you don't think your DH is a lost cause though and there's hope. You may find that he grows up once DC is born. Again, feel free to PM me if you need some advice, I think I'm a few weeks ahead of you on this. :)

If you are worried how he'll take your not wanting him there during the birth, and you can afford a doula (assuming you can, since you mentioned it as a possibility), you can tell him that it would be a safer birth if you are surrounded by experts, and the hospital only allows one birth partner. If you've gone through the whole IVF struggle, then a safer birth would be a logical thing for you to want!

Just a thought. I know our local hospital only allows one birth partner.

Oooh Viking that is a good point - thank you.

Yes I could stretch to a doula, especially as I think that might be a good way around having someone else there as support while still being a "neutral" third party.

I think you're getting some brilliant advice on here from people in similar relationships. I just want to add that my DH wasn't at our DS's birth and it hasn't made any difference at all to their relationship, as far as I can see. He wasn't even just sat outside either, he didn't get to the hospital until about half an hour after DS was born.
I had a few issues about it all, but I think most people have things they'd like to do differently after the birth of their first child.
Good luck to you, I hope your daughter brings you and your D (D for Difficult??) H lots of happiness.

My DP was a total ass when I was PG with DD2 (He wasn't around for birth of DD1) - he was anxious, and instead of being supportive and soothing he was an ass for months.

I arranged for a friend to come with me to delivery as things were so bad between DP and I. When I went into labour we had a full on argument - it was a nightmare!! I was adamant I didn't want his bad shitty vibes coming to the birth. HOWEVER once we got into the car he was brilliant and he was a fantastic support person (luckily as DD2 came rather quickly and my alternative plans would not have worked) - he was very intuitive and helpful and generally five star support, despite doing very little by way of reading up on what was involved.

I was planning on birthing pool, birth centre etc. I got delivery suite (birth centre was full), no pool as not enough staff (bank holiday weekend), total monitoring and delivery on back!!! Was fab he was there - we've got on much better since.

BTW with DD1 I had 2 amazing friends with me (for all 36 hours in birth centre) - DP turned up shortly after birth - he has an amazing relationship with DD1.

My friend had a doula as although she loved her husband, he was in fact absolutely useless!!!

Do what is right for you!

Your DH sounds very childish, and if he is jealous of the attention you are getting whilst pregnant, then I would imagine he is only going to be worse once the baby is here. He will be jealous of the baby and the amount of time you need to spend looking after her.

You absolutely should not have him at the birth.

hi there,

i have a v good relationship with my OH but i didn't want him at the birth of either of our children....i know many women do but i didn't. he was there at the birth of our first and it distracted me terribly from the job in hand! he looked after our ds1 while my sister was with me for the birth of our ds2. it was a much calmer, more focused, less stressful birth. i felt much more comfortable just having women around me and i was lucky enough to have a brilliant very experienced midwife, who got me in a place where i could deliver without intervention. it was an amazing experience.

he is a wonderful man, my OH, but i don't think it's unreasonable to have whoever you want in labour and noone should judge you for that, it's a huge life event for you.

and i think it's great that he's going for counselling...not all men would have the courage/whatever to do that, and it doesn't always take ages to sort these things out so fingers crossed things might get better for you both before the birth.

would explain better if i could but baby just fallen asleep on me!

good luck, hope things work out well for you and your family

OP you are entitled to have you want at the birth.

However, having kids really changes the dynamics of any relationship and the DP/DH is usually pushed aside in terms of attention/affection. Although it sounds as though your DH is being an arse about it. And dont take this the wrong way, but being pregnant sends your hormones all over the place so the slightest/most random things make you mad/cry.

I would definitely recommend addressing this before the birth as if your DH is behaving like this now it could only get worse when baby is born and you also don't want to be going through the birth/stress of a new born with DH acting up as well.

Good luck!

What SGM said. I would also be worried about how he is going to be after the birth if he is this much of a narcissist now. What is going to happen when you prioritise the baby's needs over his - which will be a lot of the time.