Young mums!?!?

[Babybeann]

Okay so I feel like I need to tell my story and to see if anyone is in the same boat as me.

I'm 20 and been with my lovely boyfriend for 3 1/2 years we have a house that we are renting been living together for 2 years and I'm 35 weeks pregnant, this baby was very much planned and I no a lot of people are going to think WHAT!!! But it just seemed like the right thing to so Dp is a full time plumber and I was working for a wedding planning company ( mat leave now) so we can afford having a baby. The problem is everyone else, both of our families are very supportive but I have lost almost all of my friend because of this pregnancy. I feel like when walking around our village or out shopping everyone is judging me thinking I'm going to be a bad mum and it's really getting to me. Since I was little all I've wanted to be is a mum and my dream is coming true. My midwife treats me like dirt I've made a complaint about her twice she said to me at my last appointment " I suppose your going to bottle feed your baby" as if a young mum is not capable of breast feeding I replied " actually I am going to breastfeed" and after her looking gobsmacked for a few moment she said very rudely " oh...well good for you" Grrrr!! I was not happy! We don't drink, we don't smoke and we don't stay up all night partying. It's like I have to justify myself to everyone. I will be a good mum and I will prove everyone wrong.

Has anyone else felt like this now or with past pregnancies it would be really nice to no I'm not the only one.

I had my ds when I was 19 and it was the best thing ive ever done, i breastfed for over a year, dont feel ashamed at all, hopefully you'll meet some mums around your age at baby groups. Hope you feel better soon :)

You realise that you can change your midwife. She has no right to judge you.

Ofcourse young mums can breastfeed, however like any other mum they need to find the right source of support. If you have time try and get to a La Leche group.

Good luck. I am sure you will be a great mum.

Maybe the friends you've lost aren't really worth keeping anyway :)

You'll meet new people, don't worry about it.

As for the Breastfeeding - try and get some support before baby arrives, and be assertive in hospital if you are struggling. It can be really difficult and that's got nothing to do with age!

I got some surprised looks for BFing with my first (I was 20) but never did anyone explicitly say I would FF. I do know people who have had that though - MWs saying "you're a young mum, you WILL be bottle feeding" wtf?

Good luck with everything! Not long now :)

My friend had a baby at 17 and breastfed her for about 2 years.

How rude of her to judge you! I'd request a new MW and make sure you tell them why you're doing so.

I'm 25 but look very young, I think most people would guess I was about 18-19. I often get judgey looks for having a child but I couldn't care less.

As reallytired said I would change your midwife if I were you as you certainly don't need that kind of judgemental tosh.

You sound absolutely together and fine to me so you can ignore everyone else and don't need to justify yourself to anyone. Sod the lot of them, just come on here and have a rant occasonally :o

people are really discriminatory, blame the dm.

I'd like to say it gets better but it wont, toddler groups, school gates, at everything you'll be judged.

I was 20 when I fell pregnant to my little girl (she is now coming 3) and I know how you feel about being judged. I breast fed her until she was 1 and a half. I also know how you feel about losing friends. I didn't have many anyway, but I do agree with the statement that if they are like that they maybe weren't great friends anyway. You will meet plenty of new people throughout your little ones life :)

silly woman @your mw!

Thank you everyone all you mumsnetters are so kind. I never realised I could change my midwife I'll deffo be looking in to that hopefully it's not to late.

Complete change of subject but does anyone watch maternity ward on really?
Bluming scary stuff lol

Yes I watch it, I'm obsessed with it! And birth stories on discovery health! On mat leave with 8 week old ds and look forward to it every day!! Good luck btw, anyone who judges you is a complete arsehole, ignore, ignore, ignore. My mum had her first set of twins when she was 21 and did a brilliant job. It never used to be considered strange for mums to be a bit younger and if that's what you wanna do, it's your choice, your life. I agree about changing midwives too. She sounds like a right old cow xx

im 24 and have 3 kids. i had my eldest 2 months before my 18th birthday and you know what? so what! me and their father have been together nearly 10 years, he works full time and im at home with the kids and also studying with the open university because i would like a career too. were not lazy people, we have a clean home (though may not always be tidy with 3 kids! lol ) and were active with our kids. wether it be swimming, sports club or taking the dogs for a walk! (alot unlike the way some stereotypical mums are) aslong as you care for your child the way a mother should and raise that child in a stable and loving home then screw everyone else. because once you give birth to that child, they are going to be the only person that matters x

People will judge you but hold your head high. Even if it was a new relationship and you planned to be a SAHM you don't deserve to be judged.

I had DD1 when I was 19 and DD2 at 22. Those were the best decisions of my life. I was a single mum with DD1 and then DH came into my life when DD1 was very young, stood by me and we have been married for three years. A 'whirlwind romance' if you will but we bonded instantly and DH is the legal father of DD1 now.

I've been judged, called all the names I can think of and it doesn't matter one bit. I have a family that loves me and you will too.

Congratulations on your dreams coming true at 20 I'll be 28 when my baby arrives but I do look younger and have had the judgemental looks and the first midwife I met - who seems to have vanished now was abit like yours. She said I guess you don't work, and I guess your single! WTF. I was really taken a back and then found myself explaining in more detail than necessary what I do for a living - making sure she knew I worked, and explaining why my DP wasn't at the appointment (he's at Sandhurst training to be an officer in the army). She did change her tune when she realised I wasn't as young as I thought, but it pisses me off. Even of I was younger single and had no job I should have got the same treatment regardless!

As long as your happy with your choices it doesn't matter what the rest of the world think! You have nothing to prove to anyone, and even if u did choose to bottle feed doesn't make u a bad parent! I would certainly get a new midwife!

You sound more together than a lot of mums in their late 20s early 30s. I'm sure you'l be a wonderful mum try not to think about judgemental asses :)

Xx

I'm 19 and am 35 weeks pregnant and think its funny how people react most people think its strange that me and partner work and rent a house as they see a young mum and just think I got pregnant to get a house of the council wouldn't worry about friends you see who your true friends are in the end best of luck xx

People will always judge you for something, so if it wasn't for being a 'young mum' it would be for something else. I had my DS at 20 and felt the same as you but you get over it. Don't feel like you have to prove yourself to people at all, just do your best and as long as you know you are doing the right thing it is noone elses business. As the saying goes, you can't please all the people all the time!
As for your friends, you're obviously at a different stage in your life to them, they may well get in contact once the baby is born and you can start fresh, if not you will meet people along the way who are at the same point as you and you will find you have more in common with them than your 'old' friends anyway.

I wish I had become a mum at your age to be honest it is all I have ever wanted. But due to partners (ex a prat) and other things in life I have had to wait until late 30's good luck to you.

popcornchicken how are you finding being 35 weeks?? I'm struggling now! I completely agree with you on the council house front, someone I went to school with even asked me if that's why I'm having a baby! Some people are so narrow minded..

hi, im not a young mum now , but i was :) im 30 with 6 children , been married since i was 19 and had my 1st DS when i was 19 , we owned are own home my DH works full time , and i got nothing but funny looks :Z it didnt help that i looked 15 as well .
i breast feed for 6 months as i have with all the rest , so yes young mums can do it :)
you just have to learn to blank the bad looks and comments because you know whats right , i do start every conversation with new people by saying im married there all my husbands , he works full time , and yes we own are own home , lol. although the funny looks did start all over again when they start school , as in my area there all about 40 before they have kids , but my DS soons that his mum is the young funky mummy and all his mates are like grannys , lol.
good luck with the baby and in my mind young mums are BEST ! :)

Babybeann I was pg at 19, had my DD at 20 (looked 15!) My daughter will be 16 this year, and is a well-balanced, kind, thoughtful, intelligent and utterly fabulous young lady - everyone tells me so (takes after her Mum obv ) Now 24 weeks pg with No.2 (will be 36 in March).

The prejuduce about age is really pathetic. I couldn't believe it when my DD came home from school one day, in Primary 2 (aged 6), and said "Mummy, Mrs X asked me if I lived with Gran and Papa". I enquired and found out that Mrs X just asked this out of the blue, when my DD took her work up to the desk to be marked, so it wasn't in the context of any 'The Family Unit' discussions or anything similar, during which a question like that might be appropriate (On Monday mornings, they used to have story time about their weekends. I think she may have talked about 'going to her Dads' (we had separated by then) which may have prompted the teachers nosiness. So she was either stereoptyping me due to age or the fact that I was a single parent - both of which really rile me!)

My Mum took my DD school and collected her - as I worked full-time, like many other older (I use the term loosely as I will be in my 40s when this LO goes to school and don't feel old! gemcgem I now realise that no matter how young and cool I might think I am, the young Mums will think I'm a dinosaur! ) - but Mrs X never asked any other children in the class (whose parents were older and whose Grans also took them to school every day). I was raging . I may only have been 26 when DD was in P2, but I had a honours degree and was working in a good job with a lot of responsibility. I was probably better qualified than many of the other parents who were 10-15 years older - not that this is hugely significant. But it does demonstrate why we shouldn't be judged on age or marital status alone.
(Btw, my honours degree is in a health-related field, I BF DD and was the only mum BFing in my ward when DD was born - BFing wasn't pushed nearly as hard 15/16 years ago, and I got no support whatsoever from any of the staff apart from my Aunt, who was a midwife - I think they assumed I'd give up)

I planned on going into see the teacher, but then decided against it. DD quickly forgot about it, and wasn't upset by it. What other people think doesn't matter, it's how you raise your child and what kind of parent you are that does. You sound like you know what you want out of life, and you are ready to be a Mum (as ready as any of us can ever be anyway!), so all the best. Screw the doubters! x

Baby bean I have found it all ok apart from occasional rib ache starting to get a bit tired now but am still working so sure will be better once take mat leave at 37 weeks how have u found it all and what is your due date x

Hi Baby Bean

You and your DP sound like you'll be great parents, so I just wanted to show my support to you.

There was a pretty cool article in The Observer magazine last Sunday (probably still online somewhere) by Emma Wiseman about how ready we are as a society to 'knock' expectant mums and judge their worth as parents. I think it was on the back of Peaches Geldoff and Sienna Miller announcing their pregnancies.

Anyway, the jist of it was about how ready people are to judge whether it be age, lifestyle, relationship history, when really we know nothing about these women. I've experienced a fair few catsbum mouth reactions to my pregnancy - perhaps because I'm unmarried , perhaps because I look a bit younger than I am (lucky me!) so people presume I'm a young mum, I don't know - but at the end of the day, it's their problem and their sour faces they've got to walk around with all day.

I'm so excited about this baby, and you should be too - as Albert Finney would say in Saturday Night, Sunday Morning: "Don't let the b&st*%d$ grind you down!"

popcornchicken I've had bad rid ache too but think that's because of baby being breech and he loves to put his head right under my ribs :( my due date it the 21st of feb so makes me 35+1 weeks, but think I'm having a c section because he's breech so that will be when I'm 39 weeks. When's yours? I'm already on mat leave bored stiff already lol my house has never been so tidy Dp loves it!!

It's so lovely to no that I'm not the only one who feels/has felt like this. Stuff the people who have douted me or any of you, it's the person who makes a good mum and age.

Thanks agen mumsnetters :)

Think mine is a foot in ribs I hope anyway lol my due date is 23rd feb and I can't wait for mat leave now really unorganised so will be good to get everything sorted but I have always worked since I was 13 so thik it will be strange to do nothing ntill baby's here glad you are feeling better now x

How wierd im in the exact same position as you. Im 20, been with my other half for 3 years and lived with him for 2. Both work. I feel as if i have to justify everything too. Our baby was planned. I hate the fact that everyone looks at you like youre too young. I lost a few friends as well but they really werent worth keeping, one of them had the cheek to say my oh should of put me in my place and told me to get rid! You know when youre ready to have a baby, no one else x

OP...I need a friend like you...where do you live!!!!

You will make so many great lovely mummy friends once the baby has arrived..the 6 girls I met on my (nct) antenatal classes are amazing. And i'll still so grateful for all the support they give. Do join loads of groups once your baby is born. I did 1 day at home, 1 day out (EMCS..so tried to take it easy) also means you can have 1 PJ day

The problem for many people is they see you as the child they remember...not the adult you have become. New friends you make..won't (well they bloody shouldn't) think of you like that. So many of my 'friends' just don't get it. In fact my so called BF hasn't spoken to me in yonks she's just in a different place right now. Having a child is amazing bloody hard work but amazing.

You sound super switched on...just enjoy and go with it.