Hate my midwife! Or is it just me expecting too much?!

[Peasandyoghurt]

I saw my midwife for 'booking in' just before Christmas and she sat me down and demanded 'so what's your story?'

Me = confused look and say 'erm, I'm pregnant... '
She replies - 'I thought you'd miscarried!' Wtf?!

She then showed me my GPs notes on the screen as if to prove this to me - what it actually said is 'concerned about miscarriage' re pains I'd been having. I read/ explained this to her, to which she responds 'oh, ok then - because I wondered what you wanted with me if that was the case!' Nice!

Next, she kicks me out of the room back into reception to take my own blood pressure and height weight (bizarre in my opinion, especially as she has equip in her room!), then when I get back she gives me a load of blood sample bags and gets me to fill all my details and the surgery's details on each of them, telling me it's important I repeat it exactly on each bag to avoid confusion (again, blatently HER job, no?)

Then she tells me re my dates (on the basis of a private 6 week scan, think I'm a couple of weeks behind what gp and I first calculated) that in that case there's no point her completing the appointment then and tells me to go away and come back in 2/3 weeks time when more like to be 'worth' continuing. Thus my 'booking appointment', billed to be an hour, actually lasted ten (rude) minutes. But fine I think, I'll book next appointment and dp can come too, which will be helpful in answering all those family etc questions I'm told are asked... So today we return - 3 weeks later as ordered.

Opening line 'have you been here before?'
Me - 'yes, I saw you just before Christmas.'
MW - 'so why are you here now?'
Me - in as rude a tone as I can manage whilst still inhibited by politeness gene - 'Because. You. Told. Me. To. Come. Back. In. Two. Or. Three. Weeks... And. That. Is. Now'.
MW - Hmm, what for?

ARRGHH! Doesn't she have notes she can have a quick look at to at least remind herself we've met?!

Calmly as I can I explain to her pretty much verbatim her 'reasoning' for sending me away and asking me to return for 'real' booking appointment today, she looks at me blankly and - not before giving me a much more lengthy than necessary stripping down for not bringing in a urine sample as I 'always' should (she never told me that!) - says she doesn't want to see me til 16 weeks as it's pointless.

So dp and I both booked morning off work for nothing. And I'm clearly never going to have this lengthy first appointment I've heard so much about. I'm feeling really wobbly at the moment as terrified of miscarriage and absolutely dying for support/information. She hasn't given me any of either - not even checked basic 'are you taking folic acid'/ don't eat such and such... Absolutely nothing.

Apologies for such a lengthy moan. Just had to get it out! Am I expecting too much?!

No not expecting too much at all. She sounds appalling. Complain to the head of midwives and ask for someone else.

I would complain to the Supervisor of Midwives (the details should be available on your NHS trust website) about her rudeness, the lack of information, the fact that she got you to fill in the blood test information (they print off labels here and stick them on!) and the fact that she has wasted two appointments (and your time, and your DHs time) and state that you do not consent to being seen by this midwife again and that you expect to be assigned another one.

I don't understand why she thinks it is pointless to see you for your booking in appointment before 16 weeks, I would ask the SoM this too.

Sorry you had such a bad experience!

No, you're not expecting too much. Your midwife sounds totally out of order.

Your midwife should have done all the tests you mention herself, and gone through your handheld notes with you in detail (which as I remember includes a question about how long you've been taking folic acid for), plus given you an opportunity to talk about any particular concerns you've got. I also got stacks of information leaflets at the booking appointment.

I did find that just about every medical appointment during pregnancy, including hospital scans, needed a urine sample, but your midwife should have mentioned this in advance.

Thanks so much for your responses ladies - I actually feel a bit emotional reading them - it's the most support/ wisdom I've been given all day! I will definitely ask for somebody else - I was so upset this morning, it actually crossed my mind to just never go back again (which even at the time I knew was silly). DP kept nudging me to ask her questions I had about pains I've been having and worrying so much about, but I just couldn't bring myself to open up to her about my concerns - I just don't have an ounce of trust for her and would bet a lot of money I'd get nothing more than a bland, indifferent 'it's normal (subtext, why are you telling ME?!)' response, which would be difficult to hear when I was already feeling so shaky.

Thanks again for your support mumsnetters! x

I would swap midwifes, I saw my midwife for the first time last week, she spent at least an hour talking me through things, doing bloods, weight, height etc, Filling in forms and booked my scan, and gave me loads of stuff, my little boy was only 1 in November so all of this wasent new to me but she still spent the time to speak to me again, I've requested to see my old midwife from now on, not because I have a problem with this one but because I built up a relationship with the other one, They were totally fine with this and said they like to try and put you with the same midwife if you've only just had a baby!! She even asked how we both felt having another baby again so soon and was totally supportive so I would of been happy with her even if I couldnt swap. Change midwifes asap!!

Isn't there also supposed to be something about knowing both mine and dp's blood types in case of rhesus incompatibility or something?! (Or have I just made that one up in my head?!)

Thanks miaboo!

She sounds like my midwife. I cried after my first appointment with her because I thought she was the rudest person I'd ever met and I felt I was just getting in her way.

However, two days later, she called - and began the conversation with an apology, she'd realised later that she'd been less than helpful, and admitted that she's almost overwhelmed by the workload.

She'd also gone out of her way to check some hospital-specific policy details, relevant to me, and the conversation I'd tried to have with her. She also took the time to re-assure me that this would not automatically rule out a much-wanted home birth, and what she could do to help me achieve it.

I guess, what I'm saying, is that MWs are very VERY busy, we read every day just how stretched this service is, and I would really try not to take it personally.

However if she really does make you feel uncomfortable, its not worth the hassle, just switch. :)

Poor you - I sympathise. Am not surprised, but sympathise none the less!

I can't really complain about midwife - she hasn't been rude in the same way your's has - that sounds ridiculous! But I have been surprised by how rushed the appointments are and have not felt I could ask my midwife any questions. My booking appointment was about 10 minutes and was basically just her very briskly going through a checklist without even looking at my face. I was really deflated after that as was expecting a much more caring and informative approach. All the pregnancy info I've got has been from this site and books. Now I'm just like, oh well, that's the way of it! And find out my own info.

As a warning, my 16 week appointment was 3 minutes long (that's no exaggeration) and I had travelled an hour to get there and waited an hour and a half for the appointment!!!! Keep ing!!

Sounds terrible - definately contact the SoM with your concerns and ask to be seen by a different MW.

Re your Rhesus status - your initial bloodwork (did she actually take any blood at either appointment?) will include your blood type. If you are Rh- you will need an anti-d injection at 28-ish weeks. The baby is tested after birth and if the baby is Rh+, you will need a second anti-d injection then.

Jambalaya The difference is, your MW realised that she was in the wrong and took the time to call you, apologise, and be helpful.

The OP's midwife has been rude and unhelpful on two occasions with no realisation of how she comes across. Whilst the OP shouldn't take it personally, she also shouldn't take it. We all know how overstretched our maternity services are and that our midwives are incredibly busy but that's no excuse for the midwife behaving in the way that she has.

All the lovely midwives any of us have ever encountered are also working in the same conditions as the not-so-lovely ones, and they don't seem to think that being busy is an excuse for being plain rude.

flisspaps, I completely agree, if my midwife had not called, theres no way I'd have gone back!

OP Like I said, its not worth being worried throughout your pregnancy, so if switching is an option, go for it!

:)

She sounds awful. I don't want to worry you further, but doesn't the midwife book the 12 week scan? Do you know if she's done that? If not, I would chase it if I was you. It's what you're going to want to give you the reassurance you need.

peasandyoghurt your MW sounds very very horrible, i feel scared and worried just reading what you wrote, cant imagine having to speak to her myself! definitely try to change to another MW!

I'm only 6 week pg so haven't met mine yet, but sounds like its abit of a lottery who you will get.

OP I had my first MW appointment at about 6 weeks, it wasn't exciting, but they gave me lots of info and my folder with my notes in. They booked me in for my 12-week scan.

If you aren't getting the reassurance you need though I would book an appointment with your doctor, you don't have to say what it is for!

I had my bloods done at my booking in appt, as she was doing it i dared to look at a poster on the wall 9not cos im scared of needles it genuinely caught my eye) she saw me looking away and said "i dont know why your looking away now, theres much worse in store for you".

I was on my own feeling emotional, this was after id explained to her id had a bleed and been taken to hospital at 7 weeks, she said we'll leave that out of your notes though - only now at 18 wks i felt strong enough to know i dont want to see this particular midwife again and have told surgery so.

Is your midwife at your gp surgery, im between 3 different places for my appts and scans so see someone different each time now although id love to keep with the same 1. dont be afraid to ask for what you want, this is your time to ask questions be reassured and if your not somebody isnt doing their job properly and shouldnt be allowed to get away with it.

you dont live in Kings lynn do you? my first midwife on first appointment told me off for not filling in my hand notes, or bringing urine sample (although not asked to do either by anyone) and then asked when i had appointment for scan at hospital and i said "this friday but not sure if 11 or 12'oclock... we have just driven back from italy in two days flat, I am not normally this dozy ...and she said "are you sure?" swapped midwife straightaway. new one at least isnt rude and had sense of humour although it is a checklist approach to care.

That sounds awful, really making me dread my booking appt now.

I think the midwifes are under stress and pressure and have lots of form filling in to do and its hard work and long hours with many women and babies to see and a lot of responsibilty but when I go to see the midwife I would like even a couple minutes chat about any concerns or to feel like my opinion is valid or even have eye contact with her sometimes rather that - we go in, she blurts out questions writes answers down, tests your wee, then its pretty much 'fu@k off now' and shouts 'NEXT' out the door before we are even out the room.
Your midwife sounds really crap. And it sounds like you were excited about going and you had concerns too. I can understand why you feel hurt.

YANBU.

Oh Peasandyoghurt if there is any chance you can change MWs you have to. Even if you don't get on with them like a house on fire, you need to feel you can trust her.

what a bloody useless midwife!!

Change midwife, it's your right, I believe I was told I had 3 chances to change to one I liked, and that was with the NHS.

This is your pregnancy, it's very important to you, so stand up for yourself and get the useless woman changed over to someone better x

I'm so sorry for what happen to you, especially at such a fragile and emotional time. There's a sad tendency for midwives to be less and less empathic and more medical and administrative. I guess that's why there's more people finding a refuge with doulas.
I decided to change GPs for the same reason. The one I had was an idiot who treated me coldly and unsympathetically both during my first pregnancy appointment and when he was contacted by NHSdirect when I got a scare and ended up in the hospital. I couldn't not imagine putting myself or my baby in his hands again, so I changed practices.

I do remember leaving my first appointment thinking "is that it".

Stress the MW did nothing wrong, but obviously she hadn't picked up on the fact that my baby was the future ground breaking, world famous cardiologist slash Prime Minister. Not her fault I suppose

Seriously though, yours certainly does sound trying and it's vital for everyone that you form a trusting relationship with your MW, so that you can raise questions and gain reassurance.

Definitely swap, but also manage your own expectations. You will be much more minutely interested in every detail of your pregnancy than anyone else, but a good MW will know this and treat you with courtesy and kindness.

Oh Peas - you are not having an easy time in this first trimester! You deserve more - I can't add anything else helpful to the above apart from to say that make sure you complain and don't have to see her again.

Mine is definitely not horrible, but I would say her approach is 'benign neglect' - she basically does absolutely the minimum in terms of form filling and basic checks, but hardly says a word to me and doesn't give the opportunity for any discussions or questions. If it's any consolation my first 'long' appointment only involved filling in a form - that's what took an hour, no medical advice or discussion at all. DH was appalled (and barely acknowledged!). Since then my appointments have been five mins and had no 'added value' at all. I was initially really upset but now have accepted I'm going to have to do my own research into the things I want to know, as that's just how things are in my area.