Really hoping for some positive input

[WinterMymble]

Hello everybody

I have just creeped over from TTC, since 3 days ago I suddenly had a positive 5-week-pregnant test. (Well, four positive tests actually - I wouldn't believe it until; I had lots of evidence! :) ) This was our very first attempt at TTC so it has all been shockingly sudden.

I am quite scared to type this post, though. I hope nobody shouts at me. But I would be really, really grateful for some reassurance.

So here is the question: are there any books or resources you would recommend that depict life after a baby as actually being quite nice? e.g. having moments of freedom, calmness, and adventure?
AND: when you feel nervous about the massive life change of a first baby, what thought helps you to calm down?

I was - and still hopefully am -- totally excited and thrilled about it - felt over the moon - but I have been hearing such harrowing stories from forums and books and some acquaintances that last night I woke up at 3 am in total panic

I know why we decided to try for kids. it was a relatively recent thing - it is not like we always knew we wanted a family. In fact we both have really enjoyable careers (eg I am a lecturer and I write books) and we have a lovely loving relationship and love spending time together. And all these books and acquaintances etc go on and on about how ALL those things can be apparently destroyed by a little one (?!!).

So that explains why - after 2 days of blissful pregnancy - last night at 3 am I woke in a cold sweat feeling utterly claustrophobic, and as if I am suddenly in a ghastly tunnel heading towards a life of no sleep and endless misery - I went and looked at the 'baby sleep' and 'toddler' and 'teens' boards and they really freaked me out! And all the books etc go on and on about how apparently the child doesn't sleep for months and you will be so tired you cannot imagine it, and apparently marriage relationship troubles often develop, and they just make it all sound so utterly terrible! So I suddenly thought, 'Oh my God! Has this been a dreadful mistake? Is it really that awful? Do I become shackled to the house and have absolutely no happiness or freedom ever again? Do relationships crumble? is it all just grim?'

I suspect those stories and books are NOT the full picture.

So that is the reason for the two questions again: are there any books or resources you would recommend that depict life after a baby as having moments of freedom, calmness, and adventure - NOT just a life of being shackled indoors to endless crying and breastpumps and nappies? IS it possible I will have time with my husband? WILL it be possible to have time to go to the loo and have a bath when you have a newborn in the house? :) (That question sounds mad but I have read several things that say you don't even have time to do those things!)

And: when you feel nervous about the massive life change that everyone says endlessly, what thought helps you to calm down?

Oof. Please be kind - I am quite nervous now. :/ I feel I am supposed to JUST be thrilled - and indeed I was walking on air. But it is pretty big. I don't think these concerns are totally inappropriate. I hope not.

So I am keen for some positive input! Let's focus on the positive things?

heh heh - you have to remember this point: most people post on here about the problems they are having, whether with their pregnancy, their baby, their children or their partner.

We don't tend to talk about all the bits in between because there's no need for external input and we get accused of stealth boasting - so this forum and many help books will focus on the downside of things - you can enjoy stuff all by yourself!

Some people manage to persuade their baby to fit into their lifestyle - I have a friend who managed this very successfully! Others find that they don't want their old lifestyle and curl their life around the new member completely - and then there's a whole gamut in between.

Much of it will depend on how well your baby feeds and sleeps - and how helpful and supportive your DH is (and also on how strictly you decide to "train" your baby - although I found that giving mine what he wanted worked pretty well)

I also found hypnobirthing to be rather helpful - got rid of a lot of the Fear that I experienced.

My favourite book is this one: it's rather good.

Congratulations! your feelings are pretty normal :)

winter - just wanted to say - yes, there will be times of sleep deprivation, crying etc - but IT DOESN'T LAST. I hated the first 5 weeks of motherhood, and have adored it (and DS) ever since then (he's now 2). And I had similar feelings to yours - happy, but terrified too.

No books to recommend I'm afraid, but my survival tips would be as follows:

• get a sling. Beats struggling a buggy through shop doorways. In fact, mine lived in the sling for many weeks, only emerging to be fed or nappy changed.
• forget the bollocks you're told about washing baby's arse with water only - that way lies rampaging nappy rash. Sensitive skin wipes will be fine IMO. Alternatively, a drop of baby wash in the water.
• get the numbers of your good local takeaways on speed dial. Home cooking is not to be thought of in the first few weeks.
• Napisan removes most stains
• rest, rest, rest. That means LYING DOWN. Even if you're not asleep.
• the only thing you can really do for colic is wait. They grow out of it eventually.

Congratulations and good luck!

Thanks so much Thumbwitch - your point about the boards is VEWRY helpful and explains why so many of the forum boards make motherhood sound like a sophisticated form of torture! When you were in poregnancy for the first time, was there a particular outlook or thought that helped you stay on track and ignore all that?

I loved your tips fishandjam - they are very practical. It was also very encouraging to hear you felt a blend of happiness and terror in the pregnancy too! How did you deal with that? Was there a particular thing you focused on?

Winter - there was! It was Ignore All The Books. Except the one I linked to.

I will however disagree with at least one of Fishandjam's tips - DS's bum was only ever washed in water (and a tiny bit of rice soap if it was very pooey) and he had nappy rash about 4 times ever (and that was only when he slept through having a dirty nappy so it didn't get changed quickly enough).
And teach your other half to cook dinner if he can't already! Mine had to because he wouldn't get up in the night, he "needed his sleep because he was working" - so the trade off was he cooked dinner every night. And did all the washing up. :)

thumb, we'll agree to disagree on the bum thing :)

winter, I can't really remember how I got through the terror/happiness confusion. I'm the kind of person who usually manages to not worry about things which aren't within my control (and having a "que sera, sera" attitude), so I guess that helped. Plus, now that I'm PG with no 2, I am determined to not do what I did first time round - I won't compare myself and my child to other mums/children. We're all different and we all have our own ups and downs. Learn from others, yes - worry that I'm not the same as them? No.

I should clarify a bit with the water-only thing - I didn't wipe his bum as such at all - he was dunked in a container of lukewarm water every time which I think is far more effective than wiping. But yes, Fishandjam - what works for some isn't the same as for others! :)

Oh and COMPLETELY agree with "no comparing!" That way madness lies...

I definitely need to go on a book-and-forum diet. I was really happy until I started reading those!

I have ordered the one you mentioned though, Thumb! :) That looks EXACTLY like the thing I need. (I am painfully conscious for example that my baking skills suck, so would never be a Nigella Lawson cupcake goddess).

The species has reproduced to the point that there are now 7billion of us so it can't be all bad

Best advice/mantra for me is "It is all a phase". This means the crapper bits and the brilliant bits. You just survive the former and relish the latter.

THen, having survived the crapper bits, you come on MN and share your, ahem, "wisdom"

I think that what you're feeling is pretty normal!

The fact is that your life WILL change completely and on some levels, in ways which probably make us all a bit insane for having any kids at all. But although it's been the hardest thing I've ever done, it's also the most wonderful, awe-inspiring, amazing thing I've ever done by about a million miles.

There's stuff that I miss about my previous life but if it meant giving DS back to experience it again, there's not a chance in hell I'd swap :)

Oh, and I still have the same moments of panic about DC2.... life will change again but hopefully it will be just as worth it!

It's ace.

Don't worry

Indica and Tigana - good points - and it DOES keep occurring to me that many of the people who write about how horrific it is seem to go on to have yet more of them. This makes me think it MUST have some good sides...

BlueSky really good point. it is interesting to hear that moments of panic can happen in later pregnancies too!

TheCrunch Thank you! :) I should try to just hold my breath and take that on faith for the next 9 months - tee hee....

The thing is, there is no way of adequately describing the love you feel for your child. the written word, film, visual art, all falls short.

You cannot know what it feels like until you feel it. You can't anticipate it; in fact, the only thing you can do is trust us that it's worth it

Hi OP - congratulations on your pregnancy!

Wow - I could have written your opening post!

We concieved within the first month of trying and suddenly everything seemed to be running away with itself, like I'd got on a rollercoaster I couldn't get off!

In truth that feeling lasted until I was about 18 weeks I was secretly mortified by my feelings as I'd been so 'ready' for motherhood before hand and I felt guilty for not being stupidly giddy like everyone else around me. Then it all seemed to change within a week or so - I'm 25 weeks now and although I don't think I'll ever be one of those loopy mumzilla types I'm actually starting to feel really comfortable with the prospect of a little one and dare I say it - I can't wait to meet the little blighter!

Please don't feel embarassed or guilty about what you're going through - it's very normal and your feelings towards your pregnancy and the emerging bump will change so much over the next 8 months. Just don't try to live up the the ridiculous images plastered all over mothercare brouchures and bounty magazines and you'll be fine! It's your pregnancy, your terms and you have every right to feel how ever you bloody well like!

Bread x

"there is no way of adequately describing the love you feel for your child. the written word, film, visual art, all falls short"

tethersend is spot on with that one sentence. I might actually have to steal that one

I think everyone has a moment of "am I doing the right thing?" "will my life ever be the same?"

Welcome to the emotional rollercoaster that is pregnancy Im sure you'll be fine.

Congratulations

Thanks Tether! I was already feeling so in love with the bean yesterday (day 2 of finding out) - I would like to feel that way again. I hoper this 'ohmygod alien invasion' feeling ebbs quickly. I was ECSTATIC at the BFp - really overjoyed. I really didn't anticipate it turning into this stress. Probably quite naive of me! IOt's not feeling blissful right now at all - I don; feel very attached to him/her (admittedly have only known it was there for 3 days...) - doesn't feel very real.

Bread you absolutely rock. I like your last line as a slogan. It's true one does feel huge pressure to be this blissed out hyper-brilliant earth mother figure - I work in cultural studies theory and part of that involves thinking about e.g. different culture's constructions of ideal motherhood, particularly as they play out within marketing contexts - advertising does so well out of apple pie (to use the American metaphor - not sure it translates to UK maternal context!). I really want to find some role models who aren't like the brochures and magazines etc.

I want to find some images of mothers out exploring and having fun with their little ones! :)

I like the idea of a forum diet - would get lots more done if I followed your example!
Apart from one obvious exception - join an antenatal thread on here - Are you due Sept? You will find a bunch of people feeling as sick (both physically and alternatly with excitement/nervousness) as you, and its lovely sharing the ups and downs and having someone who understands what you're going through

Congrats on your pregnancy OP!

I think it's normal to have some degree of apprehension over what lies ahead, but I would really urge you to try to relax and deal with it all as it comes. I definitely think you can become traumatised by reading too many forums! I feel this is especially true of breastfeeding. I didn't discover MN until after dd was born, but I think if I had, I would have taken the impression that bf is always a struggle. Whilst I appreciate it isn't always straight forward, for me, it was something I planned to do, and did, with no issues.

With regard to your life changing, I think that really depends on what your life was like before! For us, we enjoy walking our dogs, eating out, having friends for dinner, shopping, all of which we continued to do after dd was born. Obviously if you're really into nightlife, the change might be a little harder. I have never been one for routine, so that has allowed dd to fit into our lives very easily. I think you can become 'shackled to the house' if you become too rigid about eating/sleeping times. Each to their own, but that wasn't an approach that I favoured.

As far as time with your partner is concerned, inevitably this suffers in the early days, as you just feel so tired. But before you know it, weeks and months pass, and you regain some quality time. And yes, you will have time to go to the loo! Just take the baby with you. Or leave them somewhere safe for 2 minutes, even if they cry, they'll be fine! Feeding yourself can be more of a challenge, so stock up on things that don't require much preparation.

I can honestly say that having a baby has been no big deal for me, whilst also being the most wonderful think that I've done! And we're now expecting dc2!

Oh, and images of mothers out enjoying themselves - I went on my 1st scout camp at 2months old, and my brother had a change the baby's (terry) nappy competition done on him by scouts at 6months old. Babies are usful for stopping you doing what you don't want to do, but are pretty portable and flexible especially in the early days - DS used to love going to Brownies and they loved him

Ruby thanks so much for those flowers and congratulations :) It helps to hear you describe it as a 'rollercoaster' - that exactly fits. The first two days of knowing were definitely a high and I thought it would stay that way for 9 months, whereas now I see to be lurking on one of the down swings, possibly travelling through some water feature in a wet carriage with a chafing seatbelt:)

York that was a v cool anecdote - I am definitely keen on the sling idea and a baby LOOKS pretty portable .. it would be so good if I could just get it into my head that I am not stuck indoors alone for the whole of maternity leave. I am a bit scared to join the September 2012 antenatal thread because right now I am so shaky, and I am a bit concerned about feeling even more of a weirdo by being around people who are understandably just ecstatic and don't feel that way above at all. Yikes.

ThePetiteMummy (love your name) that is such a helpful post. Congrats on expecting dc2! As you said, I think I really do need to stop reading horror forum entries. As Thumb said above, it makes sense people use MN to post about difficulties - posting about blissful times can sound smug. So the forums that have so alarmed me are inevitably a bit lopsided, because people will tend to post about the difficulties.

I especially like what you said here, Petite:

With regard to your life changing, I think that really depends on what your life was like before! For us, we enjoy walking our dogs, eating out, having friends for dinner, shopping, all of which we continued to do after dd was born. Obviously if you're really into nightlife, the change might be a little harder.

This is VERY helpful to hear. We are totally non-club-night-life and don't do anything except hang out, see friends, go out for shopping and for dinner sometimes, and go on walks and occassional local trips together. We spend a lot of time relaxing at home. So those things all sound do-able! (I just hope home stays slightly relaxing and my DH still gets a chance to unwind)

I have never been one for routine, so that has allowed dd to fit into our lives very easily. I think you can become 'shackled to the house' if you become too rigid about eating/sleeping times. Each to their own, but that wasn't an approach that I favoured.

And this is very interesting too,. I am hopeless at routine, though I am trying to force myself to get one - it is very interesting to hear this may be a virtue.

I am quite drawn to SOME kind fo gentle sleep training though (though never pure Ferber - I couldn't do it personally, though I know it is great for some). Hmm. That point about the shackling and routines is a really good point and one I am going to remember and mull over,. Thanks very much. Maybe my lack of routineness can mean I can just go with the first few months flexibly.

You're welcome Winter, glad I've given you food for thought. As a general piece of advice, I believe it's best to go in with an open mind. You set yourself up for a fall if you have set ideas of what a baby 'should' do, and the poor child doesn't meet those expectations!

Regarding sleep, dd always fed to sleep, which I know some think is a bad thing, but it worked for us, and she slept for long stretches quite early on. I think this was partly due to cluster feeding in the evening. We did go through a rough patch after she was unwell, and would no longer feed to sleep, and eventually did controlled crying at 15 months. This wasn't something that I would previously have thought I would do, but needs must, and it worked a miracle! Within 4 nights, she was settling herself to sleep (something she had never been able to do!), and has done so ever since! (now 21 months). You may not believe this, but she now sleeps 7pm til 9 or 10am every night!

Regarding routines, I did find we fell into a loose routine once she started solids. And I generally get her bathed and ready for bed at about the same time each evening. But other than that, we're still flexible. If we go out to eat, she just goes to bed a bit later, no big deal. I've had looks of horror from other mums when I tell them that dd doesn't have set nap times!

Best of luck with it all, I'm sure you'll be just fine!

That is totally interesting Petite. what is cluster feeding?

Your little one's sleep patterns now sound phenomenal! A lot of people must envy you :)

I think they either envy us, or assume we're lying! We're not a family who 'do' mornings, even our dogs like to sleep late!

Cluster feeding is when babies feed more frequently, usually in the evening, I suppose filling themselves up in preparation for the night. I hope I've got that explanation right, I believe I learnt of the term through MN! I suppose it would mainly apply to breastfeeding, as with formula, you're giving set amounts per feed. Dd always fed every 2 hours anyway, but in the evening, this could increase to every half hour. She was quite tiny though, 6lb 7oz, so I suppose that might have meant it was easier for her to feed little and often. I'm no expert, but that's what worked for us.

One other thing I meant to say in relation to the tiredness. Lots of people will say to you 'sleep when the baby sleeps', which is absolutely right, but I found this literally meant as soon as dd shut her eyes, I had to try to sleep. They may not sleep for long, so don't fall into the trap of thinking you'll just get a little job done, as before you know it, they're awake again! Look after yourself first & foremost. I found that by doing this, I never felt too exhausted.

Similar to Petite, my DS didn't have set nap times either, and he was fed to sleep. Before he was born I was quite sure I was going to put him straight into his own cot, everything was going to be rigorously applied because I become the bitchqueen from hell quite grumpy if I am continuously sleep deprived; but as soon as he was born and in my arms, he stayed there. He was born at 2am, we went down to the maternity ward about 6 but he just stayed with me cos things start waking up around then; and the next night they gave me a bassinet but he cried as soon as he was put in it and stopped as soon as he was back with me... so I kept him with me and that started our life of co-sleeping! Which, I have to say, was easier on the sleep-stress than anything else for me - baby wakes up, baby feeds, baby goes back to sleep - lovely!

So whatever you're drawn to now, be prepared to drop it (or not!) as soon as the baby arrives, because you've no idea how much or little the actuality of the baby will affect your ideas!

I have to say, having a baby who didn't have a set routine made it easier to take him places - he was far more flexible than some babies I "knew".

Hi I'm really nervous about posting here as I don't want people disapproving of the things I did with my newborn but I did want to answer and try and put your mind at ease because I know exactly what you are going through.

I, like you fell pregnant the second we started trying and was completely overwhelmed at what that might mean for us as a couple. I am not into clubbing or massive nights either but DH and I do have many friends who it has always been important for us to keep up with, mostly by going out for dinner or having them over, or us to them etc. On top of that we are both very keen on action type holidays, skiing, diving, cycling, trekking etc. We are very lucky to have been able to usually afford two holidays a year which we were not keen to give up. We do this by being frugal for most of the year and saving up in order to allow us the luxury of being able to get away. Crucially we do not live near family, his are 4 hours away and mine nearly 2 hours away so we were not going to be able to get any free babysitting or be able to afford babysitters without affecting our ability to save for holidays. So we were very scared that we would have to give all of this up when a baby came along and turned me from a fit, sporty sociable individual to someone chained to the washing machine listening to a baby screaming all the time.

Whilst pregnant I had been warned by a friend who had a 13month old who refused to be held by anyone but her mother and still would not sleep though the night to stay away from the recommendations of this woman called Gina ford. The friend told me how his own brother claimed that his children slept through the night at 6 weeks had told him about this cruel woman who could get babies to sleep but that her methods were unnatural and cruel. My own brother had actually shown me her book when his wife had had their firstborn as he had been given it by our rather controlling aunt and we had opened the book and laughed out loud at the routines that were suggested in there - timed to the half hour and telling you things like when to eat your own breakfast-it had seemed farcical. But this friend warning me off the book had actually become a slight advert for it and I rummaged though the things my sister in law had given me for the imminent birth and found the book in question, but this time I actually read it from the beginning, reading the theory for the routines and suddenly realised that they made a whole load of sense, and that if I were worried about arguing with my DH about what the right thing to do at any given moment was, it may well help to have a point of reference to help us settle the argument. I had him look at the book as well and we decided that whilst the routines are supposed to be followed to the letter, we would make our own interpretation of them. We would follow the timings recommended, especially at the very beginning, but that we would not find ourselves stuck at home as was kind of suggested. Perhaps for the first six weeks I stayed in a great deal but our baby was quick to settle into the routine and seemed very happy with it. We had decided to follow timings but had vowed that if he were unhappy and ever cried for long than 5 minutes when we had tried to put him down at the recommended time that we would of course go to him... This very rarely happened but we are aware that as a big baby he was likely more easy to settle than perhaps small babies. With time the reality became that I would be able to go out and about and as long as I factored in that it would be time for a nap, he would do so wherever we were and that I could plan my life around him. So I would meet friends for lunch during his nap time and he would happily snooze in the pram next to me whilst I would catch up with friends and get some important time to be myself for an hour... Then he would wake up refreshed and I would get to show off a happy gurgly baby rather than a crochety unrested one. We could go for dinner at friends houses and know that at 7pm he would go to sleep and that we could have an evening without him having to be held and rocked and taking up the whole evening and everyone's attention and preventing any normal conversation going on. Perhaps we were amazingly lucky but he is now nearly 20 months and I can put him into his buggy at nap time and he will go to sleep as if he is at home in his cot. Many an evening we have turned up at friends' dinner parties with a travel cot to put upstairs and he has snoozed the evening away only to be transferred to car seat then back to cot at the end of the night. We have even been to neighbours houses for dinner and he has just snoozed in his buggy all evening and just this new years eve whilst on a ski holiday on France he slept in his buggy from 7pm in a restaurant and didn't even stir all night. I have taken him to southeast Asia on my own without DH and he has slept 8 full hours in the basinette on the plane and 7 hours on the way home. He has been abroad now 4 times. I did go back to work full time when he was 9months old as I very much enjoy my career but I decided after 4 months that I was missing out on him so he goes to nursery twice a week whilst I go to work and I have him for the other 5 days a week. He is a really happy little boy with a very sunny personality, people are constantly commenting, so I feel like we have been doing the right thing with him. In fact several people have commented that the reason he seems so relaxed and happy is that we have been so easygoing with him-because it hasn't been obvious to anyone that we did stick to a routine, we just made it work for us and that was what we found easygoing. Consequently he did sleep though the night from 6weeks.

I am aware that gina Ford's routines don't work for everyone and that she is considered controversial but we have discovered very many people who have followed them and also believe there must be a reason that her book is such a bestseller. All I would say is that you make them work for you and that if your baby doesn't want to go with the routines then don't force anything and don't feel like you are a failure just because baby doesn't want to conform. Another friend of ours who followed her routines with their baby from 3 months said that you would never bring home an expensive piece of equipment from the shop without at least flicking through the manual...why on earth would you consider just 'winging it' with a baby who is the most important investment you will ever make?

Anyway I know that you will work out the best thing for you, I just wanted to reassure you that there are 'success' stories as it were, and I wish you loads of luck! I am now 32 wks pregnant with number two so I am hoping and praying that we get another who is as easygoing as number one!