Really hoping for some positive input

[WinterMymble]

Hello everybody

I have just creeped over from TTC, since 3 days ago I suddenly had a positive 5-week-pregnant test. (Well, four positive tests actually - I wouldn't believe it until; I had lots of evidence! :) ) This was our very first attempt at TTC so it has all been shockingly sudden.

I am quite scared to type this post, though. I hope nobody shouts at me. But I would be really, really grateful for some reassurance.

So here is the question: are there any books or resources you would recommend that depict life after a baby as actually being quite nice? e.g. having moments of freedom, calmness, and adventure?
AND: when you feel nervous about the massive life change of a first baby, what thought helps you to calm down?

I was - and still hopefully am -- totally excited and thrilled about it - felt over the moon - but I have been hearing such harrowing stories from forums and books and some acquaintances that last night I woke up at 3 am in total panic

I know why we decided to try for kids. it was a relatively recent thing - it is not like we always knew we wanted a family. In fact we both have really enjoyable careers (eg I am a lecturer and I write books) and we have a lovely loving relationship and love spending time together. And all these books and acquaintances etc go on and on about how ALL those things can be apparently destroyed by a little one (?!!).

So that explains why - after 2 days of blissful pregnancy - last night at 3 am I woke in a cold sweat feeling utterly claustrophobic, and as if I am suddenly in a ghastly tunnel heading towards a life of no sleep and endless misery - I went and looked at the 'baby sleep' and 'toddler' and 'teens' boards and they really freaked me out! And all the books etc go on and on about how apparently the child doesn't sleep for months and you will be so tired you cannot imagine it, and apparently marriage relationship troubles often develop, and they just make it all sound so utterly terrible! So I suddenly thought, 'Oh my God! Has this been a dreadful mistake? Is it really that awful? Do I become shackled to the house and have absolutely no happiness or freedom ever again? Do relationships crumble? is it all just grim?'

I suspect those stories and books are NOT the full picture.

So that is the reason for the two questions again: are there any books or resources you would recommend that depict life after a baby as having moments of freedom, calmness, and adventure - NOT just a life of being shackled indoors to endless crying and breastpumps and nappies? IS it possible I will have time with my husband? WILL it be possible to have time to go to the loo and have a bath when you have a newborn in the house? :) (That question sounds mad but I have read several things that say you don't even have time to do those things!)

And: when you feel nervous about the massive life change that everyone says endlessly, what thought helps you to calm down?

Oof. Please be kind - I am quite nervous now. :/ I feel I am supposed to JUST be thrilled - and indeed I was walking on air. But it is pretty big. I don't think these concerns are totally inappropriate. I hope not.

So I am keen for some positive input! Let's focus on the positive things?

Congratulations OP!

The 3AM panics don't stop with experience :) I'm in a different time zone and it actually is 3AM here, and I am wide awake because most nights, this is the time I wake up to worry abour everything and nothing (I'm 37 wks pregnant with DC2, so it's pregnancy induced insomnia...)

Typing on my phone so will keep it brief, just wanted to say that keep repeating to yourself that line about the love you feel for a child someone very wise posted above. Seriously, because your heart will explode with love, time and time and time again. Not just when you have a sweet smelling newborn, but even with a toddler (you think you're on an emotional rollercoaster now, wait til you share your life with a toddler, they OWN the emotional rollercoaster :) )

If I told you that tonight (my most recent bursting-with-love experience) was due to my 2-year old getting himself a chair, taking all his little cups and saucers that he'd just had a teaparty with and putting them in the sink, and then turning the tap on (getting water everywhere) and proceeding to stand there and do the washing up, wearing a nappy on top of his trousers because otherwise you can't see the Bob the Builder picture... All because he wanted to help his mama.

See, I KNOW none of that makes sense, not in the way anyone would understand why something amazingly thoughtful and surprisingly romantic someone's DH might do would have them fall head over heels in love... But having children is different. You'll look at the world with different eyes, and yes it's at times scarier and more frustrating and tiring than life before: but it's also so much richer and intense and rewarding!

If it wasn't, everyone would stop at child 1!

I also wanted to second whoever said that you might want to be prepared to change your views on how to do things when the baby comes... I was very sure of what kind of a mother I would be, and what parenting approach I would follow. I'd done a lot of reading beforehand, and "knew" exactly what I'd do once the baby arrived. And then... You know they say that the second a baby is born, a mama is born too? Well, DS entered the world and I got to know a whole new person (him) and a whole new me (the mama I am).

All those things I thought I was going to do felt wrong, and I did what I felt came naturally. Eventually I found that is also a way of parenting :) if you like, neatly filed under attachment or natural parenting. It works for me, my son and our family (doesn't mean it's right for everyone) but the reason I wanted to mention it is because my educational background is similar to yours OP and if you're doing Cultural Studies for a living then you may at least find the Attachment Parenting principals interesting to read about and may even find the philosophy fits?

Anyway: welcome to MN and parenthood :)

Ha ha yes, Broodzilla is right, having a toddler is like being on someone elses emotional rollercoaster and not being able to get off! The highs are incredibly sweet, the lows are terrible!

Reallea and Brood - thanks so much. Your posts are eachnso different, but really flag up how there is hope!

Brood i choked up at your description of your little boy washing up! This is so entirely sweet. Thank you for sharing this anecdote. I am trying to latch on ti things that can help me glimpse that affection thatbsurges in when the baby becomes more tangible .... No sign of a bump yet and is very hard to visualise who it would be!

It was also great to hear about a cultural studies intellectual approach to things being a mode someone else takes.... It is soaked into my whole outlook so i definitely a bringng it into the whole pregnancy experience.

Reallea thanks so much for being so generous and brave and sharing your experience and strategies. That is brilliant and does indeed help. I don't know what i will end up doing,nbut what you have all helped me feel is that maybe i can actually do this. Maybe it will work.... Maybe i can. I am still so nervous i have to stick maybe in there, but believe me it is progress from yesterday!

I think going back to work next week could help. I have been at home for ages due to the Christmas vacation, and being at home always makes me bored and less confident. (that is a big reason the maternity leave 9 Month thing fills me with dread .... Being based in the house). At work i can zoom around and feel much more me than when lying on a couch eating toast!

Congratulations :)

I think absolutely every pregnant woman has a panic at some point. If you think about it, not panicking would be a bit weird - I mean you've just discovered you have a new life growing inside you, one you're going to be responsible for forever, panicking is a pretty normal reaction to that I'd think!

It seems to me that you're overthinking things a bit. It's definitely good to read up on things and to be prepared but you seem to want to plan things in advance which is a recipe for disaster I think. Remember that being a mother isn't a competition, you don't have to prove yourself, you just have to get through each day with as much fun and as little disaster as you can muster. No one's going to be giving you annual reviews or judging your performance - if you need a day of flopping on the couch eating chocolate while baby snoozes and feeds, do it! If the routine your hoped for falls apart, no big deal, try something different. All your baby will need is cuddles, love, food, warmth and shelter. Anything beyond that will be a bonus.

I know people might call me Smuggy McSmuggerton but I can say hand on heart that the past year I've spent at home with my DS has been by far the best of my life. Yes, it's been hard in places, but for the most part it's been amazing. I had no plans, no routines, just did what DS wanted and it seemed to work for me. DS is an easygoing baby so I've been lucky in that respect. When he was tiny I would go out to cafes with friends, sit and chat while DS slept or looked around him, pull him out now and again for a cuddle or a feed, stick him back, go for a walk, do some shopping, go home and watch tv while he fed some more, scoff some chocolate, and think "this is the life!" Since he's been more mobile I've taken him to baby groups where I plonk him on the floor to play and have a chat to other mums. I get down and play with him if he wants but mostly he likes to charge about the place like a maniac and it's so lovely to see him have such fun. People keep asking if I'm going to look for a job and I just don't want to - this is the best job I've ever had. By no means am I saying I'm a perfect parent - I make mistakes like everyone. All I'm saying is that it isn't necessarily going to be horrible slog - it could be great. Even people who find it very hard have great days and moments of huge joy.

Make the most of your pregnancy and try not to fret too much about what's to come. Take each stage as it is and do your best, that's all you can do.

Thanks Winter - I'm glad my post helped a little!

As for positive examples of expectant mothers or 'just' mothers out enjoying themselves I've carried on many of the things I did before my pregnancy - including the odd underground rave or two - although reaching 4am stone cold sober has felt like a marathon on both occaisions! (And drawn the odd catsbum mouth from older relatives!)

But I've also enjoyed taking a step back and indulging myself every now and again - I've taken up an evening class, made time for pilates and started practicing mindfulness, none of which have any direct relation to my pregnancy or motherhood (although the latter two may help in someway?!), but all of which allow me to retain a sense of self in all this rather than feeling like some walking incubator for nine months!

You'll be fine - just remember, every single one of us in on this planet because a woman gave birth to us - it's been going on for millenia!

Bread x

Congratulations! Am 34 weeks pg with DC3 and still have the ocasional panic but the DC's are happy and healthy so we must have done something right! Can't give you any tips on books (I could tell you at least one to avoid tho!) as I tried to avoid them, having said that our PCT gives out a really good guide book that covers everything from conception onwards toguidance on applying for child benefit etc which I found very useful as it's been 6 years since I did this & things do change.
As for having time for yourself, of course you will! Even if it's just a quick shower, a long hot bath or a phone conversation it will happen.
Hope all goes well for you x

OP, just wanted to add my support. I have the same job description as you and for, well, my entire life as far as I can remember I have actively not wanted kids. I used to wake up with panic attacks at the mere thought of having them. Kids =d TRAP and we all know what the 'pram in the hallway' does to writers. I was perfectly happy with my husband who didn't want kids either. Then started to feel a bit of age pressure and to cut a long story short am now nearly 18 weeks pregnant. I was so horrified at the thought of being pregnant I put off testing till I was about 10 weeks past my last period, and made my husband read the Clear Blue because I couldn't face it. I thought I was going to spend the entire pregnancy wishing I'd just resisted the age pressure and stayed happily childless, but to my astonishment I now feel perfectly happy and totally calm and am actually looking forward to having a child. I have turned into a baby bore who reads nothing but pregnancy books and I don't mind at all. I am putting this all down to hormones. So it might be that your helpful hormones kick in a bit later, is all.
Another woman writer I know who's older with 3 kids once said to me 'I had a wonderful life with children, and I would have had a wonderful life without children.' I agree with that.

Oh, I just thought of another two positive things:

1. being a lecturer (depending on your contract/ circumstances/ employer, of course) is a relatively flexible job, at least I've found so. You might have quite a few options for fitting it around kids, more so than a 9-5 job.
2. I know a few writers with kids and they also say it is not as hard as you'd think to fit writing around children. In fact I know quite a few who started writing for the first time when they were on maternity leave.

I don't know if it's a totally positive book, but it certainly takes the edge off the bad things that people tell you and made me laugh out loud! My best friends guide to pregnancy by Vicky Iovine. You can get it on Amazon and it's well worth a read!

Minitoot - thanks SO much for saying that. Yes - the dreaded 'pram in the hallway' and its legendary place in women's writing about writing - you are exactly right. I am so hugely interested to hear that you were initially not keen but then came around to loving being pregnant and being excited about it. When did that happen, roughly? Was it early-ish on? I have been told the first trimester is the most up-and-down emotionally in terms of the adjusting-to-shock so maybe it will wear off (she said hopefully....)

Also Minitoot, did you feel a bit self conscious about your academic colleagues finding out? We're not a very maternal lot at my work - as indeed I wasn't either! - and I feel quite self conscious about that. Especially since those in my immediate area work, like me, in feminist cultural studies etc, and are deeply skeptical of commercial discourses of motherhood etc.

And one last question Minitoot - you mentioned waking with panic attacks at not wanting them, early on in pregnancy. How duid you deal with that and stay steady? (Like, really basic practical idea so welcome - I am trying to make a list like 'make a cup of tea' in the hope it wil avert the 3 am Waking In Horror experience if it continues :)

CailinDana thanks so much for saying it's normal to feel alarmed. It DOES seem to make sense to me that most women would be a bit freaked out. I think it might be hitting me especially hard because adventure, freedom and independence and a hyper-intellectual life have defined me since I was a kid, and I am terrified at the idea of that being completely lost. What I far, far prefer is the kind of feeling I get from your posts and others, that children DO NOT close down adventure, but add new ones.

I do hope that starts sinking in soon. I am telling myself lots of positive things but my body isn't buying it yet!

iwantbrie - giggle - I feel the same (and I could call myself iwantsushi actually - actually, quite seriously, when I am int he midst of my nervousness and 'did I make a mistake' routines I should remind myself that I made a conscious choice to RELINQUISH SUSHI FOR NINE WHOLE MONTHS (gasp) - which is quite an action since sushi for me is so vital that for a while my personal map of the 3 continents I've lived on world hinged solely on the locations of interesting used book stores and good sushi restaurants :)

iwantbrie Thanks very much for your sensible reply. Do tell me the book to avoid :) I guess the thing is I won't really understand what it ius like to have a child until it is actually there. I guess I am not used to being able to prepare for things!

thebreadstick that is very interesting - that you are using the pregnancy time to also do things outside fr yourself. I have been hoping I could do that a bit - that since I HAVE to relax, etc etc, I can perhaps get back to e.g. doing yoga (which I used to love, until I lost time for it due to work). is the evening class pregnancy related? is it totally different?

littlemissnormal brilliant - thanks so much. I am definitely in the market for books to make me laugh about this whole thing. I have even started looking at the Bloke's Guides because I really want some jokes rather than earnest descriptions of terrifying week 4 spinal development etc!

I was exaclty the same every night for about 2 weeks after the bfp (and to be fair about 1 night a week since then) . I had already invested in lonely planet travelling with children, 500 places to take your children before they grow up, and the rough guide to weekends away with children before ttc as DH and i travel a lot and i wanted some confidence that although we might choose our adventures closer to home and further from malaria that it was possible to at least leave the house :) can highly recommend them for the adventure side of things as full of stories of people doing amazing things with very tiny little poeple and loving every minute of it!

As for the sleeping thing, its my first so i have been reading comments above for reassurance too! Look at baby co sleeper things online, and baby slings, and travel cots. They are the only things i have researched so far and felt much better for it.

congratulations btw! It all gets more exciting and less freaky after a while, the first scan is amazing.

itchyfootedlady (fantastic name! you clearly ARE a kindred spirit :) ) - thanks so much. Those guides sound much more my thing - in fact I have rushed off and ordered them, and feel more cheerful just looking at the cover of the LonelyPlanet one. Escapades and exploration, that's the thing!.

How far along are you now? it is good to know the panic ebbed a bit. And you know what, reading about co-sleepers cribs helped me today too. The writing about the bednest crib, for example, was full of parents talking about their kids, and their anecdotes were much more positive than forums.

Hi Wintermymble (loving the Moomins ref by the way :))
"When did that happen, roughly? Was it early-ish on?"
Yes, I think so. It's hard to remember now. It happened gradually- starting after I'd seen the ClearBlue, knew for sure it was real and had talked to my husband about it and we'd panicked companionably. And then once we'd seen the scan (my reaction to seeing the baby kicking around on screen: 'Oh crap!') and I'd told my parents, which I was dreading, it seemed as if the worst was over. Now the only thing I worry about is if something goes wrong and I lose the baby :)

"did you feel a bit self conscious about your academic colleagues finding out"
I didn't feel self-conscious, but I was a bit worried that I would not look committed, and I'd lose out on opportunities as a result. However, everyone has been very supportive so far. I'm in a different situation from you though, because I'm in a creative writing department - so no-one there is a career academic, they're all doing it as a sideline from a fiction writing career. Even better, my field is children's literature. I can practically call it research :o

The panic attacks were actually before I ever got pregnant, they were when I was thinking about being pregnant. For dealing with panic attacks in general, I think it helps to think consciously: 'These feelings are not real, they are just a panic attack, I just need to breathe deeply and stay calm.' Doing something physical, like walking, helped too. It gave me something to focus on. I think if you just lie there and hope it will go away it feels worse. So yes, I would get up and make a cup of tea or something similar (maybe camomile, it's more soothing), focus on breathing calmly and on not thinking. Meditation/ yoga might help, I see you used to do yoga so maybe go to a pregnancy yoga class?

One thing that really helped me was going rock-climbing. It was just on a wall, not up Mont Blanc or anything, but having an actual physical challenge to deal with - no matter how minor - rather than the phantom threats in my brain, again helped me focus and put things in perspective. It helped to have something real, and conquerable, to be afraid of iyswim. But rock climbing is not that practical in pregnancy, so maybe go swimming or something instead!

I think what itchyfootedlady says is bang on, you have to remember what kind of person you are, what you like doing, what you want to do with your kids that will be fun, and plan for prioritising those things - don't feel you have to change just because you have kids.

WinterMymble congrats to you :)