Trying to limit fallout about 'out-of-wedlock' pregnancy with Christian family

[ByeBabyBatshit]

Recently found out I'm pregnant. I know DP (been together a year) is 'the one' and we talked constantly about how much we wanted kids, but hadn't got as far as making marriage plans. Pregnancy is the result of being increasingly cavalier about contraception- honestly didn't think it would happen that quickly in mid-thirties. I'm a Christian with strong Christian family; DP is not. My family's initial reaction will be to go apeshit at me for not 'saving myself' for marriage. (When I was 19 my mother found some condoms in a jacket pocket, and called me a slut. A few years later, when I moved in with a boyfriend, she called me a fornicator). I think I would like to be married before the baby is born because of my own beliefs, although obviously it's hard to untie my feelings from the anticipated reaction of my family. DP not bothered one way or the other (he was raised by single mum), but has seen what a state I'm in about telling my family, and wants to avoid as much aggro as poss for me.

However-
as a first pregnancy in mid-thirties, I'm aware there's many a slip, and am so worried about ending up planning wedding/ getting married if we've recently had to cope with something awful happening in the pregnancy. But if I wait till the stability of the second trimester before even starting to plan a wedding, a) it's rushing things a bit in terms of arrangements, particularly as I want a church wedding; and b) I admit I'm repulsed by the thought of waddling up the aisle massively into third trimester, probably due to sense of shame I would feel.

So do I go ahead and plan the wedding anyway, or wait until second trimester and try not to feel repulsed?

Your mums reaction might surprise you. I had ds1 out of wedlock with someone I barely knew. Hid my pregnancy till I was 20 weeks then broke down and told her. She was obviously disappointed but ao proud that I faced up to being a parent rather than having an abortion.
At the end of the day Christianity is about love and forgiveness if your mum starts just say to her, ' let he who is without sin cast the first stone'
Good luck and congrats

Why not marry in the registry office for now, get a private blessing from your church if that's what you want, and save the big church do for your first anniversary? Don't rush it. You'll regret not having things the way you want, and it'll all be tinged with this "oooo must make it official or I've SHAMED my family" feeling, which is nonsensical.

You are in your thirties... honestly... if your parents have to be pandered to in this way, you need to start thinking about limiting your contact with them. It really doesn't matter what they think; they will come around once baby is born. TBH if my parents made me feel the way yours seem to make you feel, I would think twice about including them much in my life... you can still honour them without caring painfully about what they think of you.

Please don't feel ashamed. There is really nothing at all to be ashamed about. From a religious standpoint, repent of the sins you feel you've committed, and go into the rest of it with an open heart. There's a baby here, and love between you and your partner. That's something to celebrate, not be ashamed of.

Congratulations and try to enjoy this special time.

And take it from someone who got married to ease my guilty conscience re my religion, don't.
Get married when you are ready at the right time for you and ur dh. Speak to your priest/minister and I'm sure they will reassure you.
Perhaps if it's what you really want plan quiet service and a big reception when you feel up to it after the baby is born?
What ever you do, do it for love and because you want to not because you think you should

Firstly congratulations! Secondly I believe if your parents will have a problem with this pregnancy it will be exactly that- their problem. Of course you want to have them on your side and want to make them proud but do you think at your age they will seriously think you are not sexually active? also there is no reason as oikopolis said that you couldn't get married now with a small ceremony and a blessing. Dh and i were planning our wedding when i found out i was pg and we went ahead and married at 20 wks which was fine and tbh not particularly noticeable either. As for your parents would they be so bothered if you explain that you are planning to marry but have found yourself pg in the mean time?

Congratulations, firstly!
I am a born-again Christian, and can totally imagine what you must be feeling, however, please don't marry your dp just because you think you should or in a rushed way, because when you hit tough times it will only add questions to your marriage. If you are planning to marry anyway, baby or not, then go for it, but at a time that is more settled.
Do you live with your dp anyway? If so, to your parents, the baby is only evidence of what they disapprove of already and they will come round. It sounds like they already know what you get up to. In their minds, the baby only means they can't pretend it's not happening. As someone already said, if you are ashamed, stop doing it, repent of your sins already committed, God will forgive you so forgive yourself, decide what you and your dp are going to do and move on. Your parents will get used to it.

Do you really want to make decisions about your life because of th so unions of a woman who called you a slut and a fornicator?

Honestly, you're a grown up. If you want to get married, do. If you don't, then don't. But based on what you and your dp want, not on what your cruel, bigoted, blinkered mother thinks.

Sorry, unions should read opinions.

And you should also be considering how close you want a woman who can talk to you like that to be to your baby.

Congratulations!

Could it be that your mum would be anxious about how others in the church would see her? If so, it may be good to give her a few weeks to get her head around it before announcing the pregnancy generally. Once she's had a chance to get used to the idea she may be delighted.

Congratulations!

Can you speak to your priest or minister to get them onside? Maybe they can speak to your folks. They will be more 'worldly wise' than layfolk and have seen it all before. The bible is full of far more sinister activity! You are bringing a new life to this world, so should be happy and excited!

Enjoy your pregnancy, plan for your baby. Don't let other peoples' problem with it upset you or make you feel ashamed.

It's not the baby they are bothered about, it is most likely the fact that you have actually had sex! No baby and they can pretend to themselves that you are still a virgin. Now the neighbours will know - shock horror!

Thanks for all the congratulations! I still feel somewhat saddened by how this pregnancy came to be, but I know it's not the baby's fault. Still feels odd to be congratulated- but nice!

My mum is not maternal at all, and quite judgemental. If you've read Oranges are not the Only Fruit, she's a little like Jeanette's mother. But she is my mother, and I love her and care deeply about what she thinks. Sigh.

I'm not sure what kind of grandmother she will be anyway- in my heart I had always hoped that a baby would bring us all closer, but fear that this will be much harder now.

I don't live with my DP but we were planning on moving in together early this year anyway, and probably getting married next year. Now I need to work out whether speeding things up because of the baby is the right thing for me and DP. But you're all right- must be our decision, based on what's right for us.

I was going to say that she sounded like Jeanette's mother. Poor you . I don't really have any advice to offer but wanted to congratulate you on your pregnancy.

massive congrats. please dont get married because your pregnant or a Christian, only get married because you truly want to. i married for these reasons and i will be getting divorced because ultimately i listened to the people around me instead of my instincts.
if your mother is insulting you because of your lifestyle choices she is not really being of particularly good example of a loving Christian. her opinion on your choices and love life should be worth nothing.

Let us know how it goes, prefer for her to get nasty, but try not to let it upset you. You have more important things to focus on than your mother's wrath.

And if she does get nasty it's her problem not yours.

Congratulations...from the perspective of another knocked-up unmarried mum!

My future PiLs are devout Catholics (OH is lapsed) and we were dreading telling them I was pregnant. We had got engaged after a year and a half together, and being in our mid-thirties thought 'well we'd better get on with trying for a baby...' - thinking it might take months to happen.

5 weeks later I'm staring at a positive pregnancy test and wondering what on earth we're going to tell the PiLs.

Obviously from our perspective it helped that we were already engaged and planning the wedding - I really wouldn't advise racing into the wedding if you don't feel ready, although the idea of a small register office followed by church blessing after the baby is born is appealing.

For me, the strongest feeling I had when I found out I was pregnant was 'I want the baby to have a mummy and daddy that are married to each other' so we changed the wedding date to be earlier than originally planned and scaled back (plus side: it's costing us a LOT less).

We do have to accept that if not everything goes as planned with the pregnancy, we'd committed to the wedding once we put deposits down, etc. Touch wood all will be OK, but in my case I said to OH 'either way we go ahead with the wedding and make it a happy day for everyone regardless of what happens' - baby is now 25 weeks and wedding in 1 month, fingers crossed all will be OK.

On the maternity wedding dresses - I hated most of the ones I looked at online, either billowing Grecian/empire line style or clingy ones that show off the bump, but was lucky to find a local designer making dresses that are much more to my taste.

I'm not totally reconciled to the fact that I won't exactly look as I imagined I would on my wedding day, but hoping I look vaguely presentable in one or two of the photos and not too enormous, and in any case I care far more about being married to OH and having a family with him than about how I look on the wedding day. I dealt with all my meringue wedding dress fantasies many years ago and put those away in tissue paper, and am very reconciled to the fact I'm not having 'that' kind of wedding.

Finally: when we did confront the Catholic MiL with the news, her thrill at being a grandmother overrode all other emotions and she has been very supportive. I really hope the same can happen for you!...sorry for the long post but I hope this has been useful!

I, too, got things 'the wrong way round', except that I had been with now-dh for longer and he had moved in with me. There was the added problem that I am Jewish and he is not. My mum also has very strong feelings about every aspect of those two sentences! Though she is not as judgemental and (forgive me for being blunt) nasty as your mum has been. We expected my family to have more of a problem with the whole situation, but in fact since dc1 was born it's dh's family who have been intolerant, and sometimes nasty.

I did not want to get married while pregnant. We had intended to get married in any case - there's no way I would have messed about with contraception if we had not made that commitment. But, like you, I didn't want to 'waddle down the aisle'. I also thought it would be lovely to make family commitment with my family, to have our own dc play a part in the ceremony.

But I was put under a lot of pressure to get married, and, you know what? I don't regret it one bit. We had a wonderful civil ceremony in a wonderful venue. Both families came and participated, and all the women cried. It may sound cheesy, but my colleagues had been telling me that my wedding would be the most wonderful day of my life, and it was. (Until the day dc1 was born )

Actually I do have one regret: the lack of a religious ceremony. I knew we would not be able to have a Jewish wedding, but I would have liked to have a blessing after the civil ceremony. At the time we were not members of a synagogue. We now are, and could have a blessing, but it doesn't feel right, somehow. To far away from the wedding.

I'm not saying that you should get married now, just giving you a perspective from someone for whom it worked out well.

I hope, whatever route you take, it works out well for you, too.

Forgot to say that I was 19w when got married. I never wanted a traditional wedding dress, and tried on millions of ball gowns, but just did not feel like a bride in any of them. In the end I wore an elegant ivory suit, one size larger than usual, with a big hat and bridal shoes. I felt elegant and bridal, and I did not look pregnant.

PrettyCandles - shoes are the one thing still on my list to sort.

I don't like wearing heels and if I was having a springtime wedding like I originally planned I would wear white Birkenstocks!

Being pregnant means I have a good reason not to wear towering heels but finding a suitable mid-heel, preferably not stiletto, is a bit of a challenge. Going to brave the shops later if I can bear to go outside on this horrid day.

Babies are a gift from God, if they are remotely horrible to you then they are not the Christians they think they are. It's as simple as that, and I come from a very Christian family.

However all the 'rules' that still exist stem from olden times where the state wasn't able to control people but religion was. Enjoy your baby and then get married when the time is right.

Congratulations!

You Mum will react how she reacts, and if she reacts like she has done in the past, then that's frankly not a Christian attitude at all and it should be pointed out to her* - maybe not by you, but by friends, other family members and her religious leader, whoever they are...

It is your relationship with your child, DP and God that matters. Talk it through with your religious leader if you feel the need and become secure that the decisions you've made are NOT based on the twisted and unchristian views of your mother.

Definitely don't get married in a hurry just because you're pregnant. If you want to be married, and if you're worried about getting through 20wks, then plan the wedding, but for after baby is born. I know someone that had a beautiful religious ceremony combined with the christening of their first born...and having done it that way, they felt so relieved. None of the tension, she felt great and had the joy of her by then accepting families around her to celebrate both milestones in her life.

In you gut you don't want to marry "just because you're pregnant" and you want to know that baby's here and your happy family's stable. God will not mind this at all and will accept that this is what is best for you and your family.

Alternatively, if you do decide to marry quickly, as I did, not for any particular reason, other than having the money to have what we wanted, we managed planning a civil ceremony for 20 people and lunch, and a meal in the evening with friends, plus suggested accomodation, flowers, nice ivory 2-piece outfit for me, suit for DH and Mums, registrar, going through the small hurdle of marrying in another district etc. all in 5 weeks...it was exactly what we wanted (limited fuss, just us immediate family and close friends) and we have no regrets in organising it so quickly. So, you could get to 20wks discover all is well with LO and then plan..! Though I do understand you may be somewhat more restricted with the religious element of your ceremony, but you could always talk about it with the church and see what they can do.

*Having watched a family member go through this, only with no devoted DP (one that threatened to harm her/baby in fact), her everso "christian" family all but threw her out...in that they told her she had to leave (at 19) and that she'd sinned and god would probably forgive her, but they weren't sure they could...bloody terrible human beings! Ultimatly though, they became utterly doting grandparents, but I for one have a lot less respect for them and do not count them as christian by any standard. I have no idea how she could do the ultimatly Christian thing and forgive them for the hurt they caused her.

Sorry for hijack!

Have you seen the episode of 'One Born Every Minute' with a girl in her early 20s called Lydia? She was scared to tell her mum she was pregnant because her mum was a Christian, and they interviewed her mum who said that she was disappointed at first, but also that she had spoken to a friend at church who had shown her the positives and now she was really proud of her daughter. It's my favourite episode mainly because Lydia has such a beautful birth

Some bits of the episode here

But presumably the mother had not previously called Lydia a slut and q fornicator?

Honestly, OP- extend an olive branch if it would make you happy to do it, but you are an adult and you don't need this woman's approval.

I was going to say what Oeisha said. Why not wait and combine it with a baptism or thanksgiving for the baby?

What demonination of Christianity is your mum? Something that I do for my (C of E) church is go and visit anyone who wants a baby baptised. It's a lovely job to do, I get to see lots of babies (and houses!) and put the minds of the families who don't attend our church at rest about the service - we are a very relaxed church and congregation.

The majority of families that I visit don't have married parents, quite a few only have one parent and it honestly doesn't matter one iota. No one in my church would ever judge or condemn and if anyone did I would think far less of them as a Christian for doing it.

Perhaps the way to go is talk to your mum's church leader, would they be more understanding? then they may be able to help youtalk to your mum about it and get her a bit more on your side?

good luck and huge congratulations!

We are C of E- and to make things more complicated, me, my mum and my dad have different leadership roles at different levels- whether within the church or within church groups. It all adds up to making me feel like a schoolgirl caught behind the bike sheds- not a woman who was a little too hasty to muck around with the contraception because she was a bit worried about declining fertility! I feel like I made a stupid choice in experimenting with baby-making so soon.