Trying to limit fallout about 'out-of-wedlock' pregnancy with Christian family

[ByeBabyBatshit]

Recently found out I'm pregnant. I know DP (been together a year) is 'the one' and we talked constantly about how much we wanted kids, but hadn't got as far as making marriage plans. Pregnancy is the result of being increasingly cavalier about contraception- honestly didn't think it would happen that quickly in mid-thirties. I'm a Christian with strong Christian family; DP is not. My family's initial reaction will be to go apeshit at me for not 'saving myself' for marriage. (When I was 19 my mother found some condoms in a jacket pocket, and called me a slut. A few years later, when I moved in with a boyfriend, she called me a fornicator). I think I would like to be married before the baby is born because of my own beliefs, although obviously it's hard to untie my feelings from the anticipated reaction of my family. DP not bothered one way or the other (he was raised by single mum), but has seen what a state I'm in about telling my family, and wants to avoid as much aggro as poss for me.

However-
as a first pregnancy in mid-thirties, I'm aware there's many a slip, and am so worried about ending up planning wedding/ getting married if we've recently had to cope with something awful happening in the pregnancy. But if I wait till the stability of the second trimester before even starting to plan a wedding, a) it's rushing things a bit in terms of arrangements, particularly as I want a church wedding; and b) I admit I'm repulsed by the thought of waddling up the aisle massively into third trimester, probably due to sense of shame I would feel.

So do I go ahead and plan the wedding anyway, or wait until second trimester and try not to feel repulsed?

It did not even occur to my mum that there was any joy to be found in this situation. Thank god for my dad. He received the news with complete silence and no change of expression, then quietly left the room. I thought he was appalled, and I was devastated. But then he walked back in with a bottle of champagne!

One of my mum's concerns was how and what she would tell people. Most of the relatives on her side are very religious. I told her that they would take their cue from her: if she muttered the news with shame then they would pity her, but if she announced it with pride then they would feel joy for her.

My religious grandfather was the only member of his large extended family to survive the Holocaust. I think he would have been justified in feeling betrayed by my behaviour. I do not know what his reaction was when my mum told him the news, but as soon as dc1 was born dgf flew from Israel to meet his only great-grandchild. With the most enormous joy, and complete acceptance of my dh.

The reality of a baby makes a big difference.

Can you talk to the elders of your church? Surely your intention to get married and (I presume) bring the child up in the Christian faith is important?

DP's ex PiL are very High Church and completely doolally from what I've been told, and are of the opinion that all is forgiven, no matter what. Therefore, they had no problem with their daughter getting pregnant within 3 months of meeting my now DP, obtained a dispensation from their friend the Bishop so their daughter could marry a divorced man in church (DP), and no problem either when she broke her wedding vows by sleeping with another man, having another child out of wedlock and getting divorced.

I know that's an extreme case but after the initial shock, I'm sure your parents will be overjoyed at the thought of a grandchild to dote on. They might just take a little time to accept it. Personally, although I had no problems with my mum, she was really chuffed when I asked her to come to my 16wk appointment and got to hear the heartbeat. Makes it just that little bit more real...

Sometimes parents are less judge judge as they get older and when it is their own kids. The crosses my poor mum had to bear!

religious-talk alert
OP, take this situation as an opportunity to experience humility and to make peace with your own fallen nature. You're a leader in your church, you were always a "good girl"... you've done that bit of religion. Now you've got the chance to live out the truth that ALL have sinned and fallen short, and despite our shortcomings we are ALL still worthy of love, honour and caring. This experience will make you a better person and a more empathetic, calm parent than your mother is.

Your mum might fall short in this situation too, by behaving ungraciously and thinking about her reputation (which is nothing but the sin of pride) instead of reaching out to you in love and joy. Forgive her for that in advance. Blessed are those who are persecuted and all that...

You will get through this. Don't waste your time feeling shame. God doesn't require shame from us... that's your mother's voice speaking in your head. She is just a human being and her views don't represent anything but her own messed-up, frail human nature.

Turn your face to God and let go of your shame. God wants us to love and honour each other, not stew in our own shame and guilt.

Your baby is a wonderful, wonderful gift. I am SO happy for you. What a fabulous thing, to be given a little baby of your own! Don't let shame darken that joy.

PrettyCandles, your story was glorious, and well written! I might well contact the Vicar (a family friend), as he is lovely and has seen a lot of life, so is unshockable. Def want to marry DP in church, and it was always going to be on the cards in the next year or so. DP not so sure about bringing up children as Christians- he is not, and regards organised religion suspiciously. I obviously want to bring up children as Christians, and we'd discussed this a few times in recent months anyway. But will speak to Vicar (am currently 8wks and only told best friend last night, so obviously not broadcasting it yet).

Oikopolis, thank you. I have read your post dozens of times, and want to cut it out and keep it.

byebye I won't offer any advice, but I was listening to a conversation and it was pointed out that Mary was an unwed mother when she had Jesus!

The spirit of Christ is often lost in the dogma and trappings of religion.

Bye Bye just here to offer congratulations and support. Also a Christian.
The priority here now is that you and your DP work out what is best for your own little family unit now - by that I mean you, DP and the little bean - and that may not mean marriage just yet, or even ever if thats not what you all want.
Dad is a vicar and just about the least judgemental man i know Love him to bits because I have always known he will love me however life pans out. I went to him after making a major balls up a few years ago (let me make it very clear that I DON'T think you have done that!) and he just said 'there but by the grace of God go I' and gave me a big hug. I think thats a true Christian.

I was just going to point out what LAF77 did.

Mary was the most famous unwed mother of all time, and they managed

I will say though, that when I got married, our priest asked if I was pregnant as he didn't like to wed people who were, as it would seem like they weren't getting married for the right reasons- instead getting married because they felt obliged to do so.

Oikopolis that was a beautiful post, what a gift you have. You have summed up the humility and peacefulness of the Christian message so well, I hope you are involved in some sort of ministry. (I'm not a Christian but if there were more Christians like you out there then the whole thing would be more appealing).

OP, you've had some great replies here. Also want to say many congratulations to you.

I'm not a Christian, but I do believe a lot of what Christianity stands for and for me forgiveness and love are the most important things. Not just forgiving and loving others, but also ourselves. I do not believe that it is ok for others to judge and say that what we have done is morally wrong, when what we've done hurts no-one. You are bringing a little baby into the world and that is a beautiful thing.

Do what you feel is right for you and your partner and your baby. It's no one else's business.