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Original poster

Tell me honestly- is giving birth alone doeable or a really bad idea?

36 replies

Sannebanana · 30/12/2011 22:34

Hi, I'm fairly new here :)

Basically I'm in a bit of a situation in that I'm 33 weeks pregnant, my DH and I split up badly about a month ago now for various reasons, though the problems started with his sudden announcement when I was 21 weeks that he'd thought about it and he didn't want to be a father anymore, I should get an abortion. Things got pretty bad towards the end and he's now said that although he wants nothing to do with me or LO, he wants to be at the birth for 'closure'. Which obviously will not be happening.

The issue that I'm having now is who is going to be my birthing partner. DH obviously out of the question, and my family are all in abroad. My mother is coming out for 3 weeks and I'm planning on having her with me, which is really lovely of her. Only problem is that she's arriving 2 days before my due date, meaning that I only have to be 2 days early and I don't have anyone to be there at the birth. My best friend is absolutely amazing and has been so supportive throughout this, but he works away alot and so I can't guarentee he'll be around. Also as he's male and he has a girlfriend so I feel uncomfortable about asking him (or am I just being really stupid?), don't know how he'd take to the idea. I have got other friends but no one I feel I know well enough to ask to be there when I have my baby, IYSWIM. I also haven't seen alot of them recently due to trying to sort out the mess DH and I are in.

The only other option I seem to have is to give birth by myself, which I have to admit sounds pretty awful. Bearing in mind that this is only my back up plan for if I'm early, hopefully it won't come to this. This is my first baby and I really don't know what to expect, so tell me honestly, is this doable or a really, really bad idea even as a back-up plan?

Thanks

OP posts:
Casmama · 30/12/2011 22:39

What about a doula? Of course it is possible to give birth without a birth partner but it is a very intense experience and labour can go on for quite a long time. Having a doula to support you in the lead up to the birth, during and I think afterwards for a little while may greatly reduce your stress and that of your mothers!

twoofus · 30/12/2011 22:39

didnt want to read and run ... but bad idea even as a back up plan ! ask ur friend, surely his gf cant have an objection to him possibly supporting you in your hour of need ?

RillaBlythe · 30/12/2011 22:40

Being your first baby, it's hard to say - there are women on here who have happily birthed alone (although bot totally alone as of course there are midwives etc). During both my DDs births I very Mich wanted someone there, I found being touched helped. Other women say they couldn't bear to be touched. In your situation since you can't know how you might react, I would look to hire a doula. Trainees are cheaper if finances are a struggle.

Sorry to hear your husband is a dick though. You sound very strong.

RillaBlythe · 30/12/2011 22:41

Phone typos!

sunnyday123 · 30/12/2011 22:47

with dd 2 as awful as it sounds i found dh irritating! He was like a spare part and id have been fine on my own but it depends- with dd1 there were staff shortages and i shared my midwife with 2 oher women so spent nearly all my labour with dh only.

louderthanbombs · 30/12/2011 22:47

Good for you in standing up for yourself. I know its scary but you need someone who cares about you and your child and who you trust when you give birth. I second the suggestion of asking your friend. Good luck.

Carlitawantsabauble · 30/12/2011 22:48

A doula is a great idea. I would definitely ask your friend too though, don't worry about him being male. Ask him to be honest if he'd be comfortable with it and make it clear it is optional just as you would when asking any friend! Grin

sunnyday123 · 30/12/2011 22:50

i also agree your dh sounds an idiot! Do you think he is serious though - or having a panic/crisis? My dh panicked when i got pregnant with dd1 even though we'd tried for months! Do you think he could come round or would you not want him too? As selfish as he sounds, some me cant handle the thought os responsibility and actually fare better when faced head on - i.e when the baby is actually born

(none of this excuses his poor behaviour though)

molschambers · 30/12/2011 22:50

TBH I think you'd cope fine by yourself if that's the way it has to be. You seem very strong. Good luck.

Pantofino · 30/12/2011 22:52

My DH was pretty useless during labour - the MWs on the other hand were fab. I had pretty much 2 on 1 care though as there was a student. If you are worried about being on your own, do you have a friend who could help, or get a doula like others have said.

coppertop · 30/12/2011 22:55

I gave birth by myself twice and it was fine.

Hopefully it won't be necessary for you but it's certainly doable.

Best of luck with your plans and the birth, Sannebanana. :)

kotuku · 30/12/2011 22:56

Keep in mind you could be left alone for longish periods of time (over an hour) during labour at the hospital with the midwife just popping in to see how you are doing.
Could you afford a Doula? If not could you ring around and explain the situation and try to get a reduced rate? Otherwise I would ask your friend.

RandomMess · 30/12/2011 22:58

I have to agree Dh's (both of them!) were useless and with my youngest I specifically asked the MW to be my birthing partner. It was handy to have dh to carry the bags though.

I pretty much just wanted to be on my own and not touched etc.

Thumbinnapuddingwitch · 30/12/2011 23:00

If you're going to give birth in hospital then you'll be ok. I thought when I read your title that you were planning a completely on-your-own-at-home birth, which could be far more dangerous - no knowing what could happen!

Agree entirely that your H shouldn't be there - he's given up that right.

Also agree that it wouldn't be fair to ask your male best friend - he might be ok with it but his GF probably wouldn't!

If it's your first baby, chances of it being early are lower than it being late, if that's any comfort, so your Mum should have time to get there. 7

So sorry your H turned out to be an immature cunt, btw. :(

BoffinMum · 30/12/2011 23:06

Definitely go for a doula. You can also get trainee doulas who might help for cheap or free in the circumstances.

trulyscrumptious43 · 30/12/2011 23:09

Would you mind telling us where you are Sannebanana?
Just thinking, if you wanted someone around, I've been a birth partner six times (twice with my sister).
Not presuming at all that you would want a stranger with you but it might start a useful discussion here for you.

Broodzilla · 30/12/2011 23:11

I've been preparing for the possibility of giving birth on my own but that's pretty much a plan c, only because DH might need to look after DC1 while I'm in labour (if plan a and b fail...) BUT I'm pregnant with DC2 and have obviously given birth once before, and I'm not exactly comfortable with the thought, so would really urge you to consider it as an option only if all else fails.

Your H definitely shouldn't be there: whoever is, needs to be someone you trust and feel comfortable around when you're vulnerable. A big part of labour is how you're handling in mentally, and I wouldn't think he'd be good to be around.

I'd ask your friend, his gender doesn't matter and I don't see why his gf would have a problem (surely she knows and accepts that you're friends?)... Or even one of the friends you say you've not been in touch with lately? They'll understand you've had a lot on your plate. If anyone asked me, I'd be honoured, even if we hadn't been spending that much time together recently.

Having said all that, I also must say you do sound like a strong woman, and I'm sure you'd do fine on your own!

aviatrix · 30/12/2011 23:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ZhenThereWereTwo · 30/12/2011 23:30

I like Broodzilla have prepared myself mentally for the possibility if childcare plan a) and b) fail. I am nearly 32 weeks pregnant.

Having gone through one labour which ended in EMCS I have to say that I would want someone who I trust there with me. It does not sound like your H is that person, you need someone who truly has you and the babies best interests at heart. He quite clearly is a selfish *** who only thinks of himself so cannot be that for you.

I had MIL and DH with me for DD1's birth and felt very reassured by having MIL there as DH was panicking and MIL being a mother of 5 with 13 grandkids was calm and knew what to do. A doula, experienced birthing partner or someone who has been through labour themselves would be ideal.

I met this lady who is a doula, she was lovely, really knew her stuff and is very experienced (used to be midwife at Chelsea and Westminster hospital where I had DD1), no idea how much she charges, but she is in London (believe you are too from your shocking commuter thread).

Shame I am so far along myself or I would offer to hold your hand and rub your back for you x

Original poster
Sannebanana · 31/12/2011 01:10

Sunnyday- sadly, although I would like to give DH the benefit of the doubt I think he is serious :( It's been 12 weeks since he first said he'd changed his mind about this baby and in the build up to the split things did get quite violent, don't really want to go into too much detail. I think if I wasn't pregnant and he snapped out of it at this stage I would take him back, but I've got LO to think about now so that's not going to happen.

I'm in Kensington and Chelsea :) Thank you for the offer trulyscrumptious, really lovely of you although the more I think about it the more I'm thinking I do want someone I know with me. I think I am going to ask my friend, but make it clear he doesn't have to if he/the girlfriend aren't comfortable with it. And if not, I'll be looking into doulas/finding a birthing partner etc. I think I could do it by myself if necessary, though I'm definitely not going to plan to be by myself.

Thanks everyone :)

OP posts:
Mspontipine · 31/12/2011 01:29

I gave birth in a small midwifery led unit. I was asked specifically at antenatal appointment if I would have someone with me or would I like the midwife to be my birthing partner. I know however (mainly from stories on here) that many women don't have this luxury as depends on hospital - midwife ratio etc. When the time came we were the only ones on the unit. Same midwife visited me at home, drove me to hospital (not allowed officially but she knew my mum :) who couldn't take me in as had had a drink - it was my dad's birthday lovely family meal out ) and stayed with me from start to finish.

She was an angel :)

Of all the midwives I'd met in my appointments she was the bestest and given the choice I would have chosen her. She helped me pick out my nightie, choice of music (though we didn't put it on) and basically was with me every single contraction, scream, wee and push. It was a bit hairy at the end, though she didn't show it. I remember her kissing me on my forehead and telling me I was doing really well. It was like having my best friend but she knew exactly what to do when and it was an amazing experience because of her. I have a photo of us all just after he popped out. She looks like a beautiful unruffled angel. I look like I'd done 10 rounds and had the bruises to show for it!! I still see her occasionally. I love her.

I think the doula idea would be a good one if you cannot be sure of one-to-one care in hospital.

CointreauHoHoHoVersial · 31/12/2011 01:41

I had DH there for my three births, but I would have been fine on my own. Certainly, once things got going I was in my own little "zone" and didn't really need him there.

A good midwife will support you though it, but you cannot always guarantee a good one, alas.

Thumbinnapuddingwitch · 31/12/2011 02:17

Sannebanana - I have PMd you - look at the top of your page, for the envelope, should be a red splodge on it to show you have mail. :)

brettgirl2 · 31/12/2011 07:05

I would have a chat about it with your midwife. It might be that they could find a student midwife to be with you all the time - they always seem to have loads of them.

Robotindisguise · 31/12/2011 07:20

A great idea re the student midwife - it would be really instructive, I imagine, to see a whole birth start to finish.

Re someone you know, I can promise that by the time you're labouring in earnest if your midwife is any good you'll feel like you're firm friends.