Tell me honestly- is giving birth alone doeable or a really bad idea?

[Sannebanana]

Hi, I'm fairly new here :)

Basically I'm in a bit of a situation in that I'm 33 weeks pregnant, my DH and I split up badly about a month ago now for various reasons, though the problems started with his sudden announcement when I was 21 weeks that he'd thought about it and he didn't want to be a father anymore, I should get an abortion. Things got pretty bad towards the end and he's now said that although he wants nothing to do with me or LO, he wants to be at the birth for 'closure'. Which obviously will not be happening.

The issue that I'm having now is who is going to be my birthing partner. DH obviously out of the question, and my family are all in abroad. My mother is coming out for 3 weeks and I'm planning on having her with me, which is really lovely of her. Only problem is that she's arriving 2 days before my due date, meaning that I only have to be 2 days early and I don't have anyone to be there at the birth. My best friend is absolutely amazing and has been so supportive throughout this, but he works away alot and so I can't guarentee he'll be around. Also as he's male and he has a girlfriend so I feel uncomfortable about asking him (or am I just being really stupid?), don't know how he'd take to the idea. I have got other friends but no one I feel I know well enough to ask to be there when I have my baby, IYSWIM. I also haven't seen alot of them recently due to trying to sort out the mess DH and I are in.

The only other option I seem to have is to give birth by myself, which I have to admit sounds pretty awful. Bearing in mind that this is only my back up plan for if I'm early, hopefully it won't come to this. This is my first baby and I really don't know what to expect, so tell me honestly, is this doable or a really, really bad idea even as a back-up plan?

Thanks

Ask your friend and his girlfriend! it's only a backup encase your mum doesn't make it so they probably won't get used anyway! You need someone there who will make u feel calm and safe - unfortunately it doesn't sound like your husband will - also sounds like he's not 100%, why would the beginning of a life give you closure makes no sense what so ever! To me it sounds like he's been told once the baby arrives he'l feel differently and he wants to check out that theory for himself! He's been the ultimate cock to you during your pregnancy, how long have u been married was u happy before hand? Would u consider getting back together if he realised what a mistake he'd made?
You sound very strong and the last few months won't have been easy. I hope you start labour late so your mum arrives, good luck xx

I have had 4DC's. First and third I needed someone there are second and fourth I could have (with hindsight!) done alone. And that is the problem it is impossible to know in advance.

I was induced early with my 4th so DH could be there. May not be recommended with a first baby but something to think about if the idea of being without support is too much.

I hate to make dismissive remarks about your dh but what an utter cock - he's a father already! the cock!

[whispers] If it had just been me and the midwife I might have had a better birth. Don't be afraid to show the midwife that you're feeling alone and scared - a stiff upper lip can really get in the way of a good birth IMO.

[normal voice] There's a really good likelihood that your mum will be there, and even if she isn't there straight away, she'll be there soon afterwards - the postnatal bit and out of hospital is when you really need people. Very best of luck to you.

I was alone but only because I was only in labour 20 mins with ds2 so dp didn't get there. It was sad for him but it was so quick I didn't have time to think, if you're it labour a long time it wouldn't be too good but depends if you're happier on your own.

I'd vote for ringing the labour ward in advance (say 36 weeks) and explaining that you may not have a birth partner available , and is there a student midwife who would like to case study you and then come in as your birth partner? Some places they like the trainee midwives to "link" to a patient in advance then go in even if they are not on shift at the time (this will be free so not the £££ you'd pay for a doula!) if they do case studies in your unit, the trainee modwife meets you for a coffee and chat beforehand, and then joins you for the whole of labour. I don't know if your unit does that, but if they do it might be what you're looking or rather than chancing if there's a "spare" student on shift when you pitch up.

Justhayley- Thanks, think I am going to ask my friend. As for DH, we've been married for two years but we were together for 9 years before that, no problems before, no hints he was unhappy until 21 weeks. I don't think I would consider getting back with him now, he did get violent towards the end and I saw a side of him I haven't seen before- really don't feel comfortable bringing a baby into that. Even at this point he's still telling me its him or the baby- I'm 33 weeks FGS.

The trainee midwife idea is a good one too- I'll look into that :)

I do think you are best off without an abusive DH in the circumstances. Btw it's more common than you think for pg women to experience abuse along these lines. Various studies have been done.

What an utter, utter dick. Getting violent with a pg woman and trying to make you have a late term abortion - as if you'd rather have his 'love' than the love of your baby!! OP you are doing the right thing by protecting yourself and your LO from that worm :(

FWIW it sounds like most women used to give birth alone before DPs started being allowed into the delivery room - my mum and my MIL both did it on their own - if they did it you definitely can

I think in future years your soon-to-be ex DH will seriously regret his course of action, as he will realise that it is the mark of a very small man.

God almighty (re your dh). You poor thing.

I would suggest you go to doula.org.uk, and find some local doulas, do a ring around and see what turns up. Doulas are generally lovely and won't mind having a chat with you, and are happy to be "turned down" if you don't feel you click, like someone else better or decide not to have a doula. It's not time-wasting if you are genuinely considering the option.
I am a mentored (trainee) doula, and I would take a case like yours in a heartbeat, I only charge expenses, which for me means petrol money and parking where necessary, there is also a hardship fund where the DUK charity pays the expenses for your doula, so you don't even have to do that if you can't afford it.