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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

My partner flipped when I told him I was pregnant

32 replies

Ashling · 12/01/2006 12:29

I am 34 years old and 7 weeks pregnant, it was not planned although my partner and I were in discussion about having children in the future. When I told him last week that I am pregnant, he completely flipped and is acting as if his life is over. He won't discuss it and I am so stressed, upset and anxious. I am worried I will have to do this on my own. Has anyone been through something similar and how did it turn out?
I am also worried about my baby's health - which is making me even more stressed - thus a vicious circle.

OP posts:
olivo · 12/01/2006 12:33

Sorry to hear that Ashling. Maybe he just needs a bit of time to come around to the idea? I know its easy to say but try not to be too stressed and worried and good luck.x

Caligula · 12/01/2006 12:37

What a pity he didn't realise that having sex can result in pregnancy.

Don't worry about anything yet. Men are allowed by our society to be infantile and selfish, so give him a couple of weeks to be like that. In that time, he'll decide whether he'll continue to be an infant or whether he wants to grow up. Give him a bit of time and space and concentrate on you and your needs and wants.

Congratulations on your pregancy.

Serendippity · 12/01/2006 12:44

I can relate, my partner (very adventorous and outgoing) was also very shocked and to some extent felt his life was over. He also refused to talk about it until he saw the 3 month scan, he said it was the most amazing, increadible and downright terrifying thing he'd ever seen!
He now idolizes out 20 month old dd and vice versa!
Give your dp some time, talk when he feels ready so he doesn't feel forced into having a converstaion he doesn't feel ready to have.
Not matter what your or you partners personality i always think there is an "OMG this is SERIOUSLY frightening" aspect to find out your pg, it's naturel really.
Give him some time adjust, trust him to do this and try and relax and not to worry. I'm sure alot of us have been here.
Best of luck, and congratulations!

Original poster
Ashling · 12/01/2006 12:45

Thanks ! I am very happy I am pregnant, but he has turned what should be elation into worry and sadness !
I too suggested that he should never have had sex with me if he didn't want a baby, he obviously still doesn't know how it works.
I will try to stay away from him for the next week or so, but what I really want to do is slap him and tell him to grow up and get over it. I think I am more disappointed at his selfishness than anything else.

OP posts:
Fimbo · 12/01/2006 12:47

My dh freaked 8 years ago when I became pregnant with my dd as the pregancy wasn't planned. He piled all the blame onto me and even accused me of coming off the pill deliberately (I hadn't!). He was really awful for about a month, because my dd wasn't planned and at that time we couldn't have afforded for me to give up work or pay for childcare, but he soon grew used to the idea and was extremely mortified and remorseful about the way he behaved. My mum and dad looked after my dd to enable me to go back to work full-time, so everything worked itself out. I am now a SAHM and have a two year old ds as well. I hope things work out for you.

Blu · 12/01/2006 12:48

Congratulations! Celebrate here, until your partner sees sense.
Why are you worried about your baby's health, Ashling?

acnebride · 12/01/2006 12:49

I really hope this works out for you Ashling. My sister had been with her partner for about 18 months when she got pregnant, and his reaction was terrible, she was so upset. In her case things worked out really well, and her dp 'came round' quite early in the pregnancy and is now the most besotted dad. It IS a big change in anyone's life so I'd be with others in hoping that given a few weeks he will be ready to walk up to the crease (sorry cricket on my mind)

Original poster
Ashling · 12/01/2006 12:51

Both of our lives are quite socially orientated. He is a musician and is currently recording his first album. I know now all he sees is a life of nappies and compromise. I will try to avoid getting into any more arguments before the 3 month scan then, I had it in my head maybe that might be the turning point too. I do love him, just hope he loves me enough !!!!

OP posts:
LadySherlockofLGJ · 12/01/2006 12:51

Where are you A ??

Wills · 12/01/2006 12:51

OK, think I can help with the stress affecting baby etc. I've had two miscarriages and so I spent ALL of dd2's pregnancy stressed beyond belief that I was going to loose her. I worried all day every day. A more chilled and relax child I couldn't imagine than dd2. DD1 (whose pregancy I didn't worry through) is the worrier, dd2 is just chilled.

In terms of your partner time helps. It didn't happen that way for me as we've always planned etc but he then normally spends a lot of the pregnancy resenting the baby. He begins to bond when little one kicks him but his falling in love with his child to the same level as I always takes longer. But he does get there. Good luck

Original poster
Ashling · 12/01/2006 12:55

Well I am worried because of the effects of stress on babies when your pregnant. Maybe I am reading too much poo on the net though.
And he also accused me of doing it on purpose and I wasn't taking the pill - go figure :-)

OP posts:
Marina · 12/01/2006 13:00

Hope it works out for you Ashling. Even planned and wanted-by-both-halves babies can initially cause partners to wig out hugely, so as others have said, try not to see his initial reaction as his permanent view on the matter.
Anxiety comes with the territory in pregnancy, I'd say 99% of Mn kids are the products of major-league fretters.
I was under horrendous stress when pregnant with dd, for different reasons, and she is two and totally healthy and fab.
What you can do to feel you are doing the best for your baby for now is start right away on a pregnancy vit supp, one with folic acid.
But worrying? It will not harm your baby, I promise.

LadySherlockofLGJ · 12/01/2006 13:02

Ashling

Why don't you have a look at the meetup section, and also the pregnancy section there maybe someone you can hook with locally who will also be an ear for you.

Welcome to MN, you will get lots of support here.

Original poster
Ashling · 12/01/2006 13:03

Okay, well I feel a bit better knowing that I have not yet condemned my baby to being a difficult, insecure child. I really can't wait to be a mother tho, to be honest, I thought it would never happen - hence my nervousness and insecurity I think.

OP posts:
Listmaker · 12/01/2006 13:04

My exp was alson in denial through the whole thing, accused me of doing it deliberately which I didn't. We too had talked about having kids - it just happened a bit sooner than planned.

BEcause of his attitude I tried to do everything for the baby so his life wouldn't change too much so he never really bonded strongly with her. We did go on to have another but at 6 months pg found he was having an affair! We split when dd2 was 3 months old in the end.

So they don't always come round!! God I wish I'd not typed this now because I'll depress you even more! My life is happy as can be now (6 years later) though!

I'm sure your dp will come round and be as besotted as everyone else's on the thread - mine was just a complete b*stard really - not many as crap as him around!!

Also all that meant I was pretty stressed in the last months of the pregnancy with dd2 and I worried she would be affected but she was happy as anything and a dream baby so don't worry about that!

Good luck and I'm sure it'll all be just fine!

Original poster
Ashling · 12/01/2006 13:06

Thanks for the advice, I will have a look at the meet up section. Talking and sharing has never been something I have difficulty with

OP posts:
Serendippity · 12/01/2006 13:09

Where abouts do you live Ashling?

Original poster
Ashling · 12/01/2006 13:13

I am glad you are happy now, I hope I don't have a similar story to tell next year wink

OP posts:
Original poster
Ashling · 12/01/2006 13:14

In The Netherlands

OP posts:
Original poster
Ashling · 12/01/2006 13:24

On another topic - is it true you only have to take folic acid until the 10th wk ?

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 12/01/2006 13:41

I think you take it until the 12th week don't you?

Men are themselves such babies at times! He's probably afraid that he will only be second in your life now, after the baby. For some men, the bond between a mother and her baby can be very threatening to them. Wonder if MN can suggest any books/articles for you to leave lying around for him?

Many congrats! As others have said, celebrate on here!

Listmaker · 12/01/2006 13:47

God Ashling my exp lives in the Netherlands now - hope he's not you dp!!!! He can't play any musical instruments though so think you're safe!

dexter · 12/01/2006 14:21

not in your situation but wanted to share this anyway. we decided and planned to get pregnant, but even so we were both shocked, upset and worried when it actually happened!!! I spent two weeks crying and unable to eat much!

I think nature is kind to us because nine months is a long time and you do get time to adjust and I'm sure this will help your partner. It must be soo hard if this is not what you planned and hoped for - and I guess until the overwhelming parental love kicks in, you don't get the plus side of it at all!

Don't worry either about your stress affecting baby, it will be fine! During pregnancy your body seems to separate from everything else and just go it's own sweet way, you are programmed to build a healthy baby! I had to have an amnio and have honestly never been so frightened in my life and this didn't affect my baby!

Aloha · 12/01/2006 14:24

Congratulations! You are having a baby - fantastic! . Don't let anyone take away your joy.

foundintranslation · 12/01/2006 14:33

Congratulations on your pg Ashling!
You should take folic acid at least until you are 12 weeks. I took it well into the 2nd trimester.
Here's another mega-worrier during pg - and ds (nearly 8 months) is sunny, uncomplicated and (apart from being Bad Sleeper of the Year 2005 and already a hot contender for 2006's title!) an absolutely dream baby.
Whereabouts in NL are you? I'm near Stuttgart usually but am occasionally in an area of Germany very near NL.

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