please come hold my hand and tell me it will be ok - just found out i'm pregnant with unplanned dc3...

abirdinthehand · 2011-12-07T22:20:44+00:00

1st 2 dcs were planned and muchly wanted. They are just 4, and 22 months. I am expecing in August - just found out. In shock and crying. All my plans for my future - I wanted to finish my MA, apply for PhD, go back to work - now stuck at home fr another 3 years surrounded by fighting kids, cooking and cleaning. Please tell me it will be ok. So sad but feel guilt too that I am not happy about this dc like I was about the others poor little think. And sad for my dc2 because he is still a baby and will never have the one-on-one year I was planning for him :0(

notnowbernard · 07/12/2011 22:26

Aw, bless you - you'll be fine, you know

It'll be hard graft but you're plans are only 'on hold'. And 3 is bloody great. Don't worry about dc2, he'll know no different... they'll be so close and it'll be lovely

2 to 3 much easier than 1 to 2 IME

MerryMarigold · 07/12/2011 22:27

It will all work out well. And you will look back in a year's time and not be able to imagine it any other way. It will be lovely for dc2 and 3 to be close in age - he will have a lovely playmate. And as he's always 'shared' you (as a dc2), it won't be such a shock as it was for dc1. I had twins when my ds1 was just about to turn 3. I'd planned on having 2 kids, so 3 was a bit of a shock! It's not been easy, but I can't imagine it any other way now. We. are. family! The family dynamics are such that it's incredible to think of one of them not being there...

...there's a little person growing inside you. Almost makes me broody (not quite, but almost!)....and by the time you get there you will have grieved for what you need to grieve for, and be ready to meet the new member of your family.

StNicksNackered · 07/12/2011 22:29

It really will be fine!

My dd was not planned but I can't imagine ever not having her now. My DH was seriously unimpressed and we didn't discuss the pregnancy until I got to about 20 wks. She's now 15 months and daddy is besotted!

We'll all help you FLY with a baby too! ;)

StNicksNackered · 07/12/2011 22:30

Meant to say dd was our unplanned third.

LynetteScavo · 07/12/2011 22:31

As my midwife said to me; "This might be the one who comes round and cuts your lawn when you're old". Ha, ha, like hell, but she'll hold my hand when I'm really old, and always look after her older brothers.

Some things are just meant.

Original poster

abirdinthehand · 07/12/2011 22:45

thank you. I'm still crying but i appreciate your time to answer.
I just feel so sad and frustrated that I have to give up all my dreams and plans for my own life for a while longer. I had DC1 when I was 25, I had only been out of uni 3 years. I will now not be free to pursue work etc until I am in my early 30s. Which seems to old - I feel like I have gven up all the years when i am young to other poeple. And because I'm a long-term breastfeeding, cosleeping, no childcare kind of mum it will be a long tie befor I have some space. Unless I change the way I parent - but that seems so unfair on this 3rd baby.

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notnowbernard · 07/12/2011 22:47

Early 30's though! C'mon, that's a fine time to get back out there. Seriously.

cece · 07/12/2011 22:52

Yes but by the time you are in your forties it will be great!
I had my third when I was 42 and I am knackered! LOL

LynetteScavo · 07/12/2011 23:27

Don't change the way you parent, unless it's right for your DC!

Luckily for me DC 3 was a lot less clingy than DC1 and DC2.....you never know what type of baby you'll get.

Original poster

abirdinthehand · 07/12/2011 23:28

ds 2 just woke up. He's crying 'mummy gooone' because dh is trying to settl him rather than bringing him to m to feed

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iwantbrie · 08/12/2011 10:52

I'm 28 weeks with my (unplanned) 3rd here! After getting over the shock we were quite pleased - panicking! - but pleased. It will be fine as I'm sure you know really. As was posted further up, your plans are on hold, no more than that.
xx

Original poster

abirdinthehand · 08/12/2011 11:06

Thank you iwantbrie. I am trying to figure out hom I am going to fit in my plans with another baby in tow...

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Lancelottie · 08/12/2011 11:10

God, yes, my accidental third turned up when I was nearly 40. Thirties will be a doddle!
That's not to minimise the shock you're feeling right now. It can be a rocky time, and yes, the guilt over 'not wanting this one as much' does kick you hard. DH ws a grumpy arse about our third at the start of the pregnancy and used to mutter occasionally about 'told you it would be hard with three', but a good kick in the knackers heart to heart about how much he adores her seems to have sorted that one out.

Cosmo89 · 08/12/2011 11:30

I career changed and started my PhD in my early thirties. I am now about to interrupt it by a year with DC1 (crossing fingers all is well with scan on tues - at 13w today!). I will be c. 35 when I finish and looking for a job, competing with people probably 10 years younger and far more 'carefree'. However, I don't think it puts me at a disadvantage. What matters is whether I'm suitable, committed etc and I think life experience helps a lot in that (my previous work experience isn't relevant at all to academia but I think you have settled into yourself by your thirties). I know plenty of other people who've started from scratch with major career changes in their 30s and haven't regretted it.

So don't start thinking to yourself you've let yourself down; you haven't.
What might make you feel more 'on track', if you like, is if you email/talk to a tutor on your MA (are you interrupting your studies?) and ask for advice about how you might progress your work (albeit perhaps not officially) in the meantime. You'll be too busy to do much but having reading on the go and mulling over phd ideas in the back of your head on the odd occasion you have some time to think or getting involved on an academic hub (sorry, humanities all the way over here)/doing a less formal internet based distance learning course might help you feel like you're still on the path - which you are if that's where you want to go.

And there are plenty of PhD student parents out there who you'll be able to share your experiences with and get support from.
Wishing you all the best. Have a good cry, then come back at your dreams when you've finished and you'll feel so much better.

Original poster

abirdinthehand · 08/12/2011 12:25

Thank you Cosmo. I am already doing a distance learning ma, so I will have to put that on hold for a bit I think. I do look at others who have spent their 20s building their careers and sigh - I will be 30 with 3 small kids and no career, and little money :(
Just not how I thought it would pan out. And I get so bored at home with the kids, I have enjoyed picking up my studying again so much, and realistically now I will ave to give it up for a while.

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Original poster

abirdinthehand · 08/12/2011 12:29

Thank you Cosmo. I am already doing a distance learning ma, so I will have to put that on hold for a bit I think. I do look at others who have spent their 20s building their careers and sigh - I will be 30 with 3 small kids and no career, and little money :(
Just not how I thought it would pan out. And I get so bored at home with the kids, I have enjoyed picking up my studying again so much, and realistically now I will ave to give it up for a while.

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Northernlurker · 08/12/2011 12:41

Chin up

Ok - I had dd1 when I was 21. She was born two weeks before my finals. I then had dd2 when I was 23 and dd3 when I was 30. I am now 34 and building my career - you have plenty of time for that!
Regarding studying - you can study as you planned for the rest of your pregnancy can't you? It certainly is not the case that pregnant women suffer mental disintergration!

Afterwards - well you'll have to see what feels right. I was at home with all of mine for the first year and then used childcare. If you want to keep on with your studies you could probably manage with some very part time help as by then you'll have one dc at school and one at nursery.

Three really is a magic number. I love our crowd. I do know though what a shock and unplanned baby is. Dd1 was ours rather than dd3 and it is hard to explain to anyone who hasn't been there. You feel like there is an awful lot to apologise for! You'll make it though. Now go and buy some folic acid and take some deep breaths

Original poster

abirdinthehand · 08/12/2011 12:53

Of course, I will finish the module I'm doing at the moment. But I won't b able to enrol on the next one - so will have to put things on hold. Yes, when dc3 is 1, dc1 will start school. But dc2 won't go to preschool until jan 2013, and we don't have and child are at the mo - don't know if we could afford it.

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Northernlurker · 08/12/2011 12:58

Just out of interest what are you studying?

Re childcare - best to see what turns up. I have two friends with dcs of roughly the same age. They each look after the others dc one day a week freeing up one day for themselves. Something like that could be possible for you. You just have to keep wanting it. Don't fall in to the trap of thinking you can't have your dreams because you've got three kids - you can and you will!

Original poster

abirdinthehand · 08/12/2011 14:02

Social sciences. Yes, I will keep hoping - the slog to get there will just be even more long and complex now, and I had begun to get excited about the future - but now I just feel a bit bleak.

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Cosmo89 · 08/12/2011 14:49

Future's not bleak, though it seems so. Continue to get excited!
Starting off a career in your thirties, as others have mentioned, is not only possible but exciting. My work experience in my twenties count for absolutely zilch now, so I'm starting from scratch. And you're arming yourself with excellent qualifications. Your children will be very proud of you. It's amazing that you've been doing the MA and you will get it finished when the time is right.
Oh and, with the state of the economy, our new accelerating life expectancy (subject to society not crumbling around us), and all our futures on hold, you won't be thinking about retirement until you are at least 70. That's over 35 years to work on your career; more than you've lived already. You've got plenty of time ;-) Yay.

3rdOneComingUp · 08/12/2011 15:28

I'm just about to have unplanned DC3 14 months after DC2. Packed my bag yesterday and finally began to get mildly excited. Still no idea on names but i'm sure once she arrives it will all be fine.

OP, there were tears when i found out but this pregnancy and what you are feeling is understandable, you'd nearly cracked the early years of DC2. It will go by in a flash and, most probably, you'll get some slightly altered priorities. That's how we coped.

Personally, starting a new job starting in 6 months has been a saving grace. After spending the past 2 years being pregnant and 6 years of being a SAHM, that part of my life does feel like it's over, it's time for a change. I couldn't have imagined thinking like this with my PFB! We've experimented with childcare with DC2 and found a solution that works for all of us and that makes all of us happy.

You will love your child and you will get your life back on track and quicker than before as you'll be much more of an expert in it now.

Original poster

abirdinthehand · 08/12/2011 15:49

Thnaks guys, it helps to hear your experiences. DC2 has been in no childcare - I wanted to be around for each of them until they are 3. But I will not stick to that with this 3rd child. I simply cannot put myself on hold any longer.

I had thought about tht cosmo - my youngest will be 18 when I am 48, and if I work til 70 that's still 22 years of effectivly child-free career time! And even if I work part time after the 3rd arrives, I will still hopefully be able to accomplish a lot.

I would like to work in academia or in research / policy for the voluntary or public sector. I do have some relevant experience already. I just have to hold on to hope and remember this pregnancy and the 1st year won't last forever...

I guess we did think we might want another baby, but I really felt for my on sanity I needed to do something else first. I am scared of getting depressed which I am prone to - I had PN depression after dc2.

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Northernlurker · 08/12/2011 18:32

Ah I see - that is scary to have this kind of sprung on you then isn't it? Well look - as you say career-wise this WILL work out. Mummy-baby time wise - that will work out too. You can't put yourself on 'pause' indefinately. The thing to do is stay light on your feet, try things and if it's not working, stop, breathe and regroup. Your career/academic plans sound really interesting and if nothing else you are going to have excellent first hand experience of women's work balancing home and aspirations in the 21st century!

PND-wise - well nothing is guaranteed one way or the other. Some people don't get it again, some people get it for the first time with subsequent pregnancies. I think you should make your midwife very aware of your concerns and keep that flagged with them so they can get you the support you need.

You are going to be fine - just keep asserting that to yourself.

kitcat83 · 08/12/2011 21:27

Hey just seen your post and wanted to say your not alone in feeling freaked out- I am too just found out I am pregnant with no.3 and dd2 is only 5 months.

Fancy a bit of hand holding