please come hold my hand and tell me it will be ok - just found out i'm pregnant with unplanned dc3...

[abirdinthehand]

1st 2 dcs were planned and muchly wanted. They are just 4, and 22 months. I am expecing in August - just found out. In shock and crying. All my plans for my future - I wanted to finish my MA, apply for PhD, go back to work - now stuck at home fr another 3 years surrounded by fighting kids, cooking and cleaning. Please tell me it will be ok. So sad but feel guilt too that I am not happy about this dc like I was about the others poor little think. And sad for my dc2 because he is still a baby and will never have the one-on-one year I was planning for him :0(

kitcat83 at least we're shocked together! And I have found his thread helpful to hold on to the idea that this won't last forever, I do still have a future. Am not looking forward to the next 2 yrs tbh but nothing can do about that - we'll just have to cope. Like millions of women all over the world.

Thanks northernlurker - yes, I will mention it to my midwife. I did not have it with dc1 so it was a shock with ds2 - and he was very much planned and wanted. So guess I may well get it this time. But will try to get more help this time- had no help last time and it was awful.

Hi, Bird. I had pnd the first time around and I can understand your fear of it coming back. I was also afraid of it coming back the second time. To prevent it, I made sure that I accepted any help offered with DS2, I put less pressure on myself to be perfect and I made sure that the health visitors were aware of my fears. After DS2 was born, my HV visited me once a week for much longer than normal and was able to allay any worries I had before they grew out of proportion. I felt much more supported and, as a result, I did not get depressed. I think it is important that you let your HVs know what happened last time (they should ask about pnd anyway) and let them know that you may need support, especially with two other children at home to look after.

I think if you have had pnd once, you will be much more aware of the early signs this time around and less likely to allow it to get as bad as it did last time. I know nothing can guarantee that it won't come back, but you can certainly take steps to help prevent it.

The friend I mentioned on the other thread did not feel better about her unplanned third pregnancy until she had the 13-week scan. That was when she began to feel protective and loving towards her new baby. Obviously, now she couldn't imagine life without him.

It's still very early days for you. No wonder you feel so upset at the moment. But your plans for the future are not ruined, just temporarily delayed. It will all be all right in the end.

Thank you toffee, it is good to hear you managed things with dc2 without getting I'll again. At the moment I don't feel anything towards my baby. I hope having a scan will help. I feel like at the moment any help they can offer me will be minimal, but that's just me being negative! But I have decided that I will either go back to studying or get a job when this baby is 1. That is far earlier than with my others, but I know I cannot face another 3 years at home only, and thinking of a year seems much more manageable. I will also look into child are for ds2 - I had a 2 yr gap and no child care / regular help with my 1st two Dcs, and I think I want it to be different this time, even if it costs us money we can't really afford. Even 1 morning a week would make such a difference.

I had nearly three years between dd1 and dd2 and I LOVED the times that dd1 went to playgroup/nursery for the morning. It's a bit like having your first baby again - except you know what you're doing

Don't worry about how you feel atm. You've basically had this landed on you and it is a BIG shock. Where you are now - with just a pregnancy test and a vague feeling of nausea to go on I expect - is a million miles away from the you who will see a scan and feel the kicks and then have a squidgy baby to cuddle and that person is a million miles away from the person who will see their child take steps, ride a bike, cuddle them when they come in from the pub, get married, have a child of their own.

Just a thought - a friend of mine with three young DC managed to get help from trainee nursery nurses with her third. She contacted the local college and found the help that way. She wasn't allowed to leave her DC alone with the trainee, but it meant she did have an extra pair of hands for a couple of mornings a week and could look after the baby or do the washing without going mental having to deal with all three children at once.

I'm not surprised you don't feel anything towards the baby yet. It's not really 'real' to you yet, is it? Your plans for working or studying sound really good. I'm sure you will be able to manage it somehow. Is your DP being supportive?

That's a lovely post, Northern.

i know how you feel, i was done with the kids. my youngest was 5 in september and going full time i was in my final year of my part time degree i was ready to be pointing my life forward to something other than children.
i really felt i had done my bit raising kids for ten years. i cried when i found out i was pregnant with my fourth i hadnt been with my partner long and it just wasnt what i had planned for my self.
i am now 29 wks and everything is moving on nicely. i am still sad about my plans sometimes but i cant really be sad about the baby any more, i am still pushing my plans forward for my life but know it will be on a slower pace now. have bought clothes etc and am concentrating on the positive aspects of being a mum again.

Thanks everyone. Yes, dh is very supportive - he was very shocked too of course, as we were using contraception so it's come out of the blue. But he was always more sure than me that he wanted a 3rd dc, I was more uncertain. He is very hands on and supportive. But it's ultimately me that has to carry the baby, give birth to it, breastfed it and give up my plans until it's old enough. He would go part time like a shot to help but we'll struggle to afford it. When baby is 1 I will look for a 2 day per week job, and then maybe he can go to 4 days and we can buy in child are for 1 day. at least then I will be doing something outside the home.

He suggested lat night that I go away for a weekend in a hotel in the new year for a bit of head space, which was a kind thought and probably a good idea.

I'm glad to hear your DH is being so supportive, Bird. That's lovely of him to suggest that you go away for a break to give yourself time to come to terms with it.

Your plan of action with regards to work sounds promising. It sounds as if you are gradually coming to terms with your news.

I was an " older" mother and I took 12 months including having a m/c to conceive dc2 so I though that was my lot, until dc2 was about 1 and didn't use any contraception. Ha ha i'd never get pg by accident after all the stress of ttc dc2 I thought - famous last words. There are 21 months between them, and I had 3 under 4 which wasn't easy as dc2 wasn't much more than a baby when dc3 was born,
But I have to say he is a real joy and I honestly think it was meant to be. They get on so well and are so close.
Also having them close together although it's hard at the time and childcare crippled me it also means you get through the stages quickly.
I don't regret it at all.

Thank you toffee and ironing. I am swimming between feeling like I can do this, maybe there are some plus sides like getting all the baby-time over with, being able to declutter and sell all the baby stuff on ebay as this one grows (DEFINATLY won't be another one!). And it might be a girl which would be fun to have another female in the house (but don't want to think about that too much in case it's not). And I will be able to really go for i careerwise afterwards, as I won't have to plan in another block of maternity leave. But... then I swing back to feeling very despairing, and depressed. Hopefully the good side will win.

Rereading this thread really helps, thank you so much for all of your kindness and sharing your positive experiences.

The good side will win, Bird. You will fall in love with this baby just as you did with your other babies. One day you'll think of this as luck, not bad luck.

Thank you tofee you have been so kind. My DH keeps showing me articles on positive thinking but I know I must not let the negatives tale over, and hang on to the positives I can find. I just hope I can love this one as much - I really hope my maternal instinct kicks in at some point, or the poor little thing has no chance. I don't want my own ishoos to affect him/her. I remember when I had PND feeling so sad but FORCING myself to smile at 5 week old DC2 because I wanted him to learn to smile - I read somewhere that babies of severly depressed mums smile a bit later cos they see fewer smiles.
But I don't

I don't want how I feel to affect the baby. So I must come to terms with this and do the best I can, and trust I will come to feel as happy as I did about the first 2.

I remember doing the same thing with DS1 when I had pnd: dreading going in to deal with him when he was crying, making myself pick him up and forcing myself to smile and play with him because I was so worried that I'd affect him forever if he picked up on my depression (all the information I'd read said boys were much more badly affected than girls by their mother's pnd).

It's such early days for you at the moment. You have plenty of time to come to terms with the baby before he or she is born. Don't force yourself. It's a natural process and you can afford to take your time.