Pregnant post MC: when did you let yourself accept it might work, relax and start to enjoy it

[MockCroc]

I am 11 weeks following a MC last time at 5+5 with my first pregnancy.

I have dealt with all the worry of this one largely by pretending it is not happening. I seem to have subconsciously decided that if I don't accept I am pg or think about it as a process with a baby at the end, it won't hurt so much when it goes wrong. And by "when" I mean "when". I feel like I'm just waiting for the pain and bleeding to start. There is no rational reason for this. I know MC is very common, particularly with first pregnancies. I have also had two scans with this pg and both have been normal (at 5+6 and 8+6). But I can't shake the feeling that, for some reason, I don't deserve this to end well so it won't.

For the first few weeks this didn't bother me and it seemed a sensible way of protecting myself emotionally. Now I am beginning to worry myself. I reach 12 weeks next week and will need to tell some people (DH and I have kept both pg to ourselves so we don't have to deal with any sad happenings publicly) and I can't imagine telling anyone I'm "pregnant", or dealing with them enthuse about the baby because I don't feel like that.

I was wondering whether any of you had felt like this and, if so, when you started to let yourself accept that the pg might work and there might be a baby one day ...? Thoughts or comments appreciated. Thanks xx

I can't help because I'm in exactly the same situation as you and feel just the same. Wanted you to know you're not alone though. I'm hoping to feel more excited in the second trimester. I do already have a 2 year old DD, who takes my mind off it a lot. Hoping all goes well for you x

I'm 22 weeks after 2 mcs and I still get the fear sometimes.
It got slowly better after the 12 week scan, and it is better still after the 20 week scan but I don't think it ever quite leaves you. However, once you are safely out of the first trimester I think the mentalling does ease off a bit. But I don't think I will actually be able to "relax" about this pregnancy until it actually ends with the birth of a live baby.

Thanks Belinda. It is nice to know I am not alone. I feel I ought to be so pleased after last time I'm shouting it from the rooftops, but I feel quite the opposite. Good luck with yours and fingers crossed the second trimester is the answer! x

I am in the same situation at the moment. I am 6 weeks pg and had a mc in Oct. I am quite glad that I am so busy over the next few weeks with Xmas shopping, Xmas, New Year etc.... and then after Xmas I will see midwife. I keep thinking every day 'will it be today', I can't shake the feeling but am looking forward to 12 weeks for now.

For me it was at 20 weeks following my scan. (with my son)
I had suffered 2 mcs prior to that.

I had my 6th mc in July just gone.
I now never think of myself as pregnant, i think of myself as continually miscarrying.
I ignore all symptoms...because they do not mean anything.
Even a + pregnancy test means nothing to me.
I have felt VERY pregnant, nausea, sickness, painful breasts, exhausted..and still miscarried.
So it was like a real positve moment, seeing my tiny baby on the screen at 20 weeks.
From that moment on, i felt somewhat hopeful.
He is a strapping 8 year old now...

I am 34 weeks after 3 losses last year - all before 12 weeks.

I was very much in ignore mode for ages. I was surprised at the 8 week scan that things were as they should be and completely gob smacked at the 12 week scan.

Even now i get the fear - I do a lot of "self talk" that all will be well when I get the fear.

There have been lots of times I've been able to relax and feel good about it - particularly after feeling the baby move :)

Very best of luck all of you early pregnant ladies .

Like oflip the 20 week scan was a turning point for me too.

I'm 38wks tomorrow after two consecutive (3 in total) mc's this year.

My 20wk scan and then getting to 24wks were goals for me, but I still haven't totally stopped worrying.

I really recommend the preg post mc threads. It's really helpful to be able to talk to others that totally understand.

Yes I know this feeling. My first pregnancy was a mc at 12 weeks. Spent the second pg being terrified and certain it would happen again. I went two weeks overdue and during my induction convinced myself there was something wrong with the baby and that is why labour hadn't started. My gorgeous dd was and still is -7 years later- perfect. As are ds and dd2!
Hard to do but please try to relax and enjoy your pregnancy and congratulations x

I had an mc at 5 weeks and then became pregnant with my current pregnancy(36 weeks). After the 12 week scan I decided that nothing would go wrong and to keep positive, which sounds abit mental I know, but it saved me from being a wreck from all the worry.

Hope everything goes well for you!

I mc at 12 wks first time. Now I am 15wks4days and still not letting myself believe it will really happen. I have had 3 scans already and another next week. I have convinced myself by then the heartbeat will have gone and Christmas will be a disaster. I can't even bring myself to tell people and am now beginning to struggle concealing it. That is the only thing that make me hopeful and gives me a grin from side to side. When I see the beginnings of my bulge it makes me believe it really could happen, pity I believe more there is still plenty of time for it all to go wrong.

I relaxed a bit after the 20 week scan but to be honest it wasn't until I got past the 28 week milestone that I started to relax and actually enjoy being pregnant

MockCroc I was in your situation this time last year, and now I just put down my 6 week old baby girl to sleep.......still seems surreal. When I got pregnant the second time, like you we kept it very quiet and told only close friends - we told everyone at 13 weeks. I eventually calmed down although once you've been through a MC the "fear" never really goes away - I think you're less inclined to take things for granted and know that it can go terribly wrong - for me it def. took some of the joy/spontaneity out of it, my husband didn't want to take pics of my bump for a long time - at the time I thought he was being weird and it upset me (we had said that we will make a record of how my bump grew when I first got pregnant but then he never did with the second one) and I realised he was dealing with it too. I felt weird telling people I'm pregnant too and felt like it was a "scam" - hard to explain.
Don't put pressure on yourself, take it one step at a time and try not to think about what may go wrong - one day you'll wake up and it will feel more "real" and you will finally let yourself enjoy it - just takes time and some positive thinking. For me it was when I started to feel kicks :) Of course after that you start having entirely different worries but that is part of the package - try to remember that and do whatever you need to get reassurance - don't hesitate to talk to your MW/hospital if you need them to monitor movements etc.

wish you all the best and hope that you will start enjoying your pregnancy really soon! x

I started to relax at around 26 weeks but you'll worry right up until you give birth!

About the same as PinkFondantFancy. I had a MMC detected at 9 weeks in June last year but baby hadn't got beyond 5 weeks. Pregnant again last Oct, symptoms went at about 10 weeks and I convinced myself it was happening again. Couldn't have been more shocked to see a healthy 12 week scan! I felt just as edgy at the 20 week scan, discovered I had an anterior placenta which meant I didn't feel much movement, which made me worry too. Luckily DS did a nice line in hiccups which reassured me a bit. I think I actually stopped worrying about the pregnancy and started worrying about the birth at 30-something weeks.

Now I just worry about how to stop 5 month old DS waking the neighbours in the night! Sorry for all our losses, and congrats on our healthy babies :)

Thank you so much ladies for all your wonderful replies! It is really nice to know I am neither batty nor alone, although I am sorry for anyone who is going through the same thing as me. It is also nice to feel that I don't have to put pressure on myself to embrace my pg just yet and just because I am approaching the magic 12 weeks. I like crosshair's approach of deciding to be positive and I hope my feelings will catch up genuinely if I get as far as feeling the baby move. Congratulations all you ladies who are now mummies! You give me hope. I feel like I am cheating the baby out of the loving and anticipation it deserves from the start, but you have made me feel like there is plenty of time to catch up on all that if he or she turns up in person one day. Good luck all you ladies in waiting and thanks again everyone! Love M xxx

I'm in a similar situation. Have already got two children but had a mc in July at 9 weeks and am now 10 weeks pregnant and not allowing myself to really believe it yet. I think I'll feel better when I regularly feel the baby moving, so probably 16+ weeks, I remember this being very reassuring in previous pregnancies. But then I may remain pessimistic, hope not as I really want to enjoy this, last, pregnancy. Hope we all feel happier and more confident soon x

I found that it was helpful to 'fake it until you make it' - act as if I was optimistic and not at all worried in the hope it would rub off on me. It did, to an extent.

Thank you for this post as I now, no longer feel alone. I am 19 weeks today after a mc in June at 6.5 weeks. I thought the 12 week scan may alleviate some of my anxiety but I am still worried sick. This isn't helped that I am not showing yet and can't feel movement (this is my first). Although I have been told both of these things are normal, it has not stopped me worrying. Would just like to enjoy a few weeks of this pregnancy. Doesn't help that people keep telling me stories of late mc and stillbirth (as if I don't know that these horrible things can happen) :( . I am sorry for everyone else who is in this situation too. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancies.

I had 2 miscarriages, one at 7 and the other at 8 weeks. I'm 20 weeks pregnant now (conceived immediately after the last mc) and it was all such a whirlwind of getting over the mc that it was hard to enjoy the first 12 weeks at all. There was definitely a feeling of 'here we go again, let's prepare for disappointment again'. Luckily a lot of places will offer you extra scans in this situation, I had one at 6 and one at 9 weeks (Chelsea & Westminster) and both times it was developing perfectly and chipped away a little of the anxiety. But you still want to get to the mental 12 week milestone. The 12 week scan was a HUGE relief for me but as I didn't get even a mini bump start appearing until 17/18 weeks there is still part of you that now and again may have a mild panic. I felt a very light flutter at 17 weeks and then nothing more for a couple of weeks which made me ridiculously neurotic. I treated myself to an angel sounds doppler and has also been a huge comforter that I can listen to the heartbeat when I have a nervous moment.

I have to say I always thought I would LOVE being pregnant from start to finish, but I'm getting the feeling that the first trimester is some degree of worry / trauma for pretty much everyone, I don't think even my sanest of pregnant friends said they felt this was a calm time for them - you are not alone!

And I found out this morning it's a girl! SO EXCITED! Congratulations everyone on your babies!

I am just starting to relax a little more now I am nearly 25 weeks with first child. I had MMC last year which was discovered at my dating scan at 11+5. I think i am more on edge with things maybe more than someone who hasnt suffered a miscarriage or who has a child!

I am slightly more anxious and worry now when i dont feel baby going mad and moving around although I am reassured thats normal and my midwives are great i have phoned them probably more than normal just for reassurance.

however i have bought my pram and just starting to buy other things, I take the view now that if something should happen its very rare and it would be a terrible thing. Nothing I am doing or could do is goign to cause anything

good luck!

On a scale of 1 to 10, my anxiety levels were 9.5 at your stage, dropped to a 7 after the 12 week scan (walked into the scan room in tears), and 4 after the 21 week scan (after which I knew it was unlikely I would have to make a decision to terminate if a problem was found, so if something went wrong after that it would be out of my hands iyswim).

I found myself rationalising statistics to try and reassure myself - 4.5 stillbirths per 1000 for white british iirc, so out of a random sample of 1000, 1 would probably be the baby of a drug addict, bringing my personal risk to 3.5, 1 would be very premature (more reassuring as I reached 30+ weeks), making my risk 2.5........and so on. It made sense at the time.

I will say though, spending a year in a state of pregnancy-related anxiety has made it so much easier now DD is here. It's as if a weight has been lifted, I have loads more energy, and I don't worry about stuff like her crying and keeping me awake at night because so often I've imagined myself in the position of someone whose baby didn't make it. Having a baby after a MC makes you incredibly grateful for your DCs, and IMO a better parent because you appreciate the small things.

It's funny, because of my emotional avoidance of my pg I don't realise how much worrying I am doing underneath until I have to confront anything to do with my pg. I saw the midwife for the first time today and she was really abrupt with me because I am 11 weeks and hadn't booked in before. I tried to explain that I'd had to wait 2 weeks to get a dr's appointment for a referral because of no availability at the surgery an then I'd had to wait another week to see her. She started going on about it being difficult to arrange my 12 wk scan in time and I got really tearful, ending up sitting in the car howling down the phone to poor DH. I feel so vulnerable so thank you all for the solidarity and somewhere to share these horrid, complex feelings. !

Mockcroc, I could have written this post. My feelings have been identical to yours in the early stages. I have had 5 miscarriages, luckily 2 lovely dd's in amongst these and now 18 wks with no 3 so not all bad. On my current pregnancy I didn't even discuss it at any length with my dh until I got close to 12 wks as I thought it was pointless. I could only cope with it by telling myself I just had a positive test, I didn't consider myself pregnant. I held off going to the gp, I went early so many times before and had to cancel all of the arrangements, I just wanted to hide myself away from it all to protect myself. I do feel more confident now even though I had spotting 10 days ago, I nearly had a breakdown over that, but all has been well since. I had PE with my two dd's so I now have that to look forward to most likely in the third trimester. Oh the joys! For me really from when the baby starts kicking,which he/she now is really reassures me. I also have a Doppler which is really great to calm the nerves if I am feeling a bit worried. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.