How do you cope with an overzealous bordering interfering MIL

[Cazm2]

I am 24 weeks with first child after losing first pregnancy with late miscarriage.

my MIL has gone ahead and bought things keeps telling us how we should be doing things how she did thinks - she had her last child 28 years ago. we chat with her about stuff buying things things that we want dont want arent going to use etc and she has gone ahead and bought these things anyway. i am finding it really hard to control myself at the moment i know i am hormonal but i am starting to dread the time when the baby is here and she will be constantly around intefering.

we dont have the best relationship and DH does tend to put her first a lot with is always a bone of contention with both of us which is never sorted out.

i know i sound ungrateful but i just feel like i have no control over my baby before he/she has arrived!

What sort of things has she gone ahead and bought anyway?

The best way to cope is to vent regularly to other sympathetic mums. I have a good rant with my best friend about once a week.

I smile and nod at my MIL's suggestions and advice then do what I think is best for me.

The golden rule for me though is to never complain about my MIL to my DP. They love their mums of course, so I find it's best not to go there (unless it's something really important).

I'm afraid getting bought stuff that you don't want is part and parcel of being a new mum. I'm sure your MIL means well (however annoying it may seem)

i know i do try but i just find myself getting agitated!

another example, My mum over the weekend gave me some money so we could buy a small tumble dryer as we havent got one and is useful with baby on the way. MIL piped up yesterday despite knowing for the past however many weeks that we are goign to get one. oh i have one in the spare room that i dont use its been there for 3 years WTF? she kept on and on in front of my mum about going to get it from hers. i said why did you say before when you knew we were wanting one? to which i had no response.

i feel in an awkward position as we have the money from my mum and we have seen the one we want its small and £100 and brand new. i dont know what my MIL's is like working etc also how does she dry her clothes? i know you shouldnt look a gift horse in the mouth but i feel this is more about getting one over on my mum with stuff for the baby as she hasnt mentioned it before. she also has a lovely way of making you feel very beholden when she gives you anything.

Sorry...can I ask again...what things has she gone ahead and bought anyway?

Isn't there another thread about this? Getting so wound up about these things actually invests your MIL with a lot more power than she really has.

Just buy a new tumble dryer with the money and the next time you see her say, 'Don't worry, my mum has already bought us one'

she has bought a baby bath, all the baby washes a cot bed which we havent seen, she keeps telling us not to buy any clothes saying people will buy them - i dont expect people to buy sleepsuits vests etc which i understand they go through at the rate of knots!

Just ignore her, go about your business and buy what you want. She might be telling you not to buy clothes, etc but you can choose to ignore her and go out and buy them anyway.

'we dont have the best relationship and DH does tend to put her first a lot with is always a bone of contention with both of us which is never sorted out'

I think your 'problem' here is your DH - he needs to grow up, put you first and realise that his family is now you and future DC NOT his DM - if he is like this now imagine what it is going to be like in the future .

If you are worried about how she will be after the birth then you need to start putting your foot down now because it will only get worse. Maybe next time she buys you something you have said you won't use just hand it back and say 'oh, I thought we had told you we didn't need one of these, how about you exchange it for instead?'

or... just smile and say thanks and put whatever it is away and then sell it on ebay if you don't use it.

either way it sounds like she wants to be involved and if you have ideas about her not being so involved you need to sort that out now.

How does your husband feel?

Right - well the cot bed would annoy me, as that is an item that you enjoy choosing yourself. Unless she is intending it be kept at her house of course...in which case it's fine.
The baby bath - I ended up with three of those with my 1st - all from people of the older generation. I never used any of them. They're a right faff. It's a cheap item though so I don't suppose it matters if you never use it.
Baby washes - is this like soap and shampoo and stuff? If so, then so what? Really?
She is right that people will buy clothes for the baby btw - and ime, it's packs and packs of babygros you get. Wait till the gifties come in before spending too much. Honestly.

Apart from the votbed, it all sounds really trivial I have to say. She is the child's grandmother and she is allowed to buy things for the baby ok? Some might not be to your liking or your desire...but OP we've all been there...you smile and say thank you and choose your own stuff anyway.
Unless there's more to it, I'd say you were getting overwrought and defensibe at nothing. If your own mum bought those things would you be quite so prickly about it? I bet you wouldn't.

did she buy the cot without consulting you? I think that's quite rude really.

You can easily turn down the dryer, just tell her you'd rather get a new one.
Tell her that babies don't need baby washes so they will just go to waste.

I didn't get any babygrows given to me really, just a couple of fancy outfits - not the bog standard vests and grow packs.

I had a similar thing with my mum buying stuff after I had said we wanted to pick certain things ourself and her going out and buying what she liked to 'help us out' or because 'it was on offer'.

I did find it rather upsetting and stressful as it seemed to be one thing after another, while she complained that I hadn't bought anything or wasnt excited enough.

My advice would be do what you want and buy what you like, trying to please everyone else will only make you miserable.

Oh I got LOADS of babygros...and maybe two or three hideous complete outfits. I put the babies in the outfits and took a photo to send to the gift giver, then handed them into the charity shop, or returned them to the shop they came from in exchange for something nice more suitable.

i think we all get / got well meaning advice and unwanted paraphenalia. It's easier said than done (3 years on and I'm still learning), but really you just need to learn to smile, nod and then shove the crap she's bought you in the loft / sell it on ebay / give to charity. If she is really determined to get you stuff, 2 useful tactics:

1. "you know we lost our first baby. I just feel we are tempting fate with all this talk and buying stuff. It's upsetting me". I have never even lost a baby, but still won't have stuff in the house till it's here.
2. make a list of what you actually need, to be purchased by MIL once baby born.

I wonder if your MIL is actually being a bit controlling (hence the thing over the tumble dryer). But it might also just be over excitement and thoughlessness. More likely.

With the advice you say "thanks, we'll just have to see how it works for us". But FGS SORT YOUR DH OUT! You will have to deal with him and MIL for the rest of their lives.

You have my sympathies OP, I have a similar MIL myself and I'm quite dreading the inevitable put downs of any of my ideas/choices that don't correspond with hers, attempting to over-run me on any of my decisions then accusing me of being controlling and of course putting me down as a mother to other people behind my back - basically the extension of our current relationship but this time centred around a child.

The only thing that does seem to give me hope is that her youngest daughter has also just gotten pregnant, and being a fairly naive and dependent upon her mother type person I can see the MIL now focusing a lot more of her attention on the GC she can a lot more easily control, which does at least give me and OH breathing space - though I do feel sorry for SIL (who no doubt won't realise there's anything to feel sorry for).

It's hard when you have inlaws you don't exactly get on well with isn't it?

I'd hand this one over to your DP/DH - he needs to deal with his mother if she's upsetting you. My MIL told me whilst DH was away and I was round hers for dinner that she would be at the hospital as soon as I went into labour as she wanted to be the first in the room to hold the baby after my DH. I just smiled, drove home and rang him to tell him to get it sorted. He then told her that we didn't want anyone there with us (although we're now having a doula, we just haven't told her as she'd want to do it, shudders) at the hospital and we'd even told my mum she couldn't come (little did MIL know that my mother doesn't even want to be there and it was the first thing she told me after we'd announced the pregnancy!). She's under strict instructions not to set foot in that hospital unless we tell her she can. Thankfully, my DH knows what an overbearing and overzealous woman his mother is so doesn't mind if I stand up to her and he's also willing to do it himself.

CAZm2 - poor you, I would be cracking up! I totally know where you are coming from with "making you feel beholden" even though you didn't ask for anything. I don't know what helpful advice to give you apart from speaking to DH or telling MIL how you feel and be honest with her. I agree with others it will only get worse if you don't assert yourself now, or ignore her (which I couldn't do).
My MIL does not know yet, I am separating from the babies dad and I know I would be getting a lot of advice aka being told what to do if they knew. They would all be bullying me into staying with my ex for sake of baby, as he is trying to do. I am also expecting the same as you, being bought things without discussion. Your not being ungrateful you just feel you have no power or say in it, which must be upsetting.
You have my sympathy and if you ever want to email me a ranting swearing download please do, I will be needing to do this when they all find out and call round to put their 2 pence worth in. (only 5wks and look bloated already, 2nd baby don't know if that makes any difference, how do you keep this a secret for 12 wks?)
hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

It can be very annoying. My MIL used to keep buying clothes for our DS without thinking about what size he'd be - he was smaller than average so would be a couple of sizes behind his 'age range'. So he'd end up fitting into heavy winter coats when it was the height of summer. We've got stuff he never wore that we're keeping for number 2 (except no. 2 is due 4 days after ds's birthday so they probably won't be able to fit no. 2 either). Nor would she ask before she bought -so one winter he ended up with three winter coats - one I had bought and 2 she'd bought (but had forgotten about one of them). She finally got the message after several conversations with DH where he said it was a shame ds hadn't been able to wear such and such.

However try not to let the little things get to you. The cot bed would annoy me, as would the dryer (but I would get the small, modern one) but the washing stuff etc I would just let wash over me (sorry, no pun intended). Try and get DH to tell her you are both going to set up a baby list at Mothercare/John Lewis/wherever so both you, her and other family members know what you need to get.

As for clothes, I didn't get many of the useful multipacks of babygrows and had to go out and buy more as DS grew. I would certainly get a pack of babygrows, one of vests and one of long sleeved vests in white because that at least will give you enough to be starting with.

BTW, we found the baby bath v. useful - it is great for cutting down on the water you use when bathing baby which is imp. if you are on a meter, or just don't like waste.

I'm with Sprinkles77 on the not wanting to tempt fate. I'll be 18 weeks at Xmas and have my 30th birthday when I'm 6 months, so I've turned around & told everyone that any presents until after my birthday are to be for me, not for "the baby" - selfish maybe, but I'm not going to be able to get legless like most people I know have on their 30th, so I want to be spoiled instead!

My future MIL (DP & I are engaged) did get a bit excited after being told the news when I was around 9 weeks and did order a baby bouncer chair which aas delivered to our house within the week (DfMIL lives about 6 hrs away and likes to sometimes order presents for DP's 2 DSs anyway), but DP called her and explained that I was nervous with this being my first time pg & gavev her the tempting fate speech and she's fine with it. DfMIL is actually coming down on a pre Xmas visit the weekend after next and has already been asking what would I like for my pressie so she can buy it when she's down and to let her know if I want any pampering

On the DM v DMIL front, my DM is on a lower wage than previous after being made redundant last year and now being in a lower paid job; meanwhile, DfMIL is semi retired and also claims a sizable pension which was to do with DP's late DF's job (there's a 20yr age gap between DP & I, and the same gap between our DM's). DfMIL has already offered to buy the cot, so I told my DM about that. DM got a bit upset that she won't be able to afford big ticket items like that, but is determined to save up for the pram (have tried steering her towards eBay after seeing some lovely one friends have have off there, but it's something about "I wasn't able to buy new for you when you were a baby"). Then DP made the very valid point about how DM lives so far away and my DM only lives 10mins away, so his DM is going to overcompensate with gifts because she won't see the baby very often while I'll have my DM's interference & babysitting abilities help to hand. She seemed happier at that...

You need to get your DP to stand up to his mum, and soon or it will drive you mad.

My DP's parents buy my DD all manner of tosh - cheap polyester awfulness and PVC/inappropriate toys aplenty - and I am then expected to treasure all this tat because they have bought it for her. He adores his parents.
I have tried the route suggested by pictish of quietly putting things away and letting them disappear - eventually to charity, but DP tends to find me out.

It is your baby. Your FIRST baby. You should be allowed to enjoy choosing things. Tell your DP that his first job as your birth partner is to make sure you get to enjoy your pregnancy, and that includes not being railroaded by his mum.
So sorry to hear of your miscarriage. You need more sensitivity over this pregnancy than you are getting.

Sorry - I should have been more sensitive myself - of course it is not your first baby, the baby you lost was your first. I did not read that it was a late miscarriage. So sorry.

Sorry, I think you're being a bit precious. It is a bit insensitive, but GP get very excited too and they like to buy things for their gc. Apart from the cotbed it sounds like they've just bought small things. These things may be useful or you may not use them, which she'll never know, but why not accept them for the time being? They can always disappear if not useful. Once the baby is born it will be easier to advice/reject items based on preference/what works, eg natural fibres are better on the baby's skin.

My mum and MIL have both bought us a ton of secondhand and cheap baby clobber including clothes, toiletries, etc. I wouldn't choose them myself but they are genuinely trying to help, and they may be useful - it's hard to know as a new parent. They haven't spent much on the stuff so it's not too important if it gets passed on to someone else. They got so much enjoyment out of feeling they were doing something!

But don't let the gifts stop you buying what you want to!

Why don't you want the tumble dryer? You could take it and try it, at least. They are just trying to save you money.

thank you for all your replies.

I can see how it comes across super sensitive ungrateful but the tumble dryer annoyed me as we had been saying for weeks about getting one with now mention from MIL about one sitting in her room. that is what annoyed me she waited until i already had the money in my hands from my mum then brought it up. its like a competition.

there are issues with DH and have been for some time. FIL passed away 7 years ago and he feels very responsible for his DM and DS. SIL is 27 lives at home lives a life of riley but is heavily reliant on him ie gets stroppy of DH doesnt reply to texts straightaway etc every so often she will go off on one about him not spending time with her.

DH feels like he has to call in and see his mum most days or phone most days unfortunatley they live literally 10 minutes away a mistake on my part since we bought our flat!

i understand people will buy things for us which is nice but i just feel like some of the stuff is being taken out of my hands. i can honestly say my DM has not imposed anything on us she can be a handful sometimes to but apart from a few basic sleepsuits and money towards our pram she hasnt mentioned anything esle.

we did try and talk about it last night but it justs descends into an argument which i dont want to do when i am 6 months pregnant!

Tis as I thought. Your own mum has bought a few basic sleepsuits and that's fine, but your mil buying some baby wash is her interfering and taking over. Righto!

Guess what OP - your dh has every right to see or call his mum most days - she's only ten minutes away as you say, so why wouldn't he? Same goes for his sister....she obviously expects to maintain a close relationship with her brother, and why not?

The only person who has problem with all of this is you. Your mum gets the thumbs up, but dh's should back off and not expect to be involved with him or his child.

Straighten your face out OP. You are coming across as very self centred.

Everyone gets gifted crap they don't want when they have a baby btw. Everyone.