How do you cope with an overzealous bordering interfering MIL

[Cazm2]

I am 24 weeks with first child after losing first pregnancy with late miscarriage.

my MIL has gone ahead and bought things keeps telling us how we should be doing things how she did thinks - she had her last child 28 years ago. we chat with her about stuff buying things things that we want dont want arent going to use etc and she has gone ahead and bought these things anyway. i am finding it really hard to control myself at the moment i know i am hormonal but i am starting to dread the time when the baby is here and she will be constantly around intefering.

we dont have the best relationship and DH does tend to put her first a lot with is always a bone of contention with both of us which is never sorted out.

i know i sound ungrateful but i just feel like i have no control over my baby before he/she has arrived!

Caz - one of the things I have found about pregnancy is the lack of in control that I feel so I think I understand what you are getting at.

I am lucky enough to have a wonderful MIL who sometimes does things that I get defensive about, her heart is in the right place but it doesn't always come across the best way and it makes me feel like she is 'taking over' to put it in a childish way - it may not be right but it is how I feel.

As much as I love her sometimes DH has to have a word in her shell like and ask her to back off a little, and to be fair to her, she takes it on the chin and does so.

I think as other people have suggested you need to ask your DH to ask her to put the brakes on a little. You are bound to be nervous after your previous pregnancy.

pictish - your posts are a little harsh, come on - we're all just here to vent about stuff aren't we. The OP is obviously upset and you're being frankly a little mean.

That doesn't mean I don't agree with the essence of the points you are making, I just think that it's a lack of control issue that is causing upset and she was asking for advice not a telling off...

Ok yes...I am perhaps delivering my opinion a little harshly. I am sorry.

OP - look...just smile and say thank you, then do your own thing anyway....that's all you can do without creating needless animosity.

Don't get the hump because your dh is close to his family...don't grudge his mum her son's time and affection, or his sister's. Be glad that your man has a healthy committed attitude to family life and be proud of your good choice in life partner. That's the way to look at it.

OP almost the exact same situation is with my DH his mum and sister after losing his Dad. Things have been v difficult between my DMIL and I in the past. We now live fairly close and to my DSIL too.
I don't get as annoyed as I used too as I have realised that their family go about things completely differently sometimes to what I am used to!
You do need to have a word with your DH so he understands how you feel. It has ended up in many an argument between my DH and I but I'm lucky as he is now v supportive of me.
I think Pictish was very harsh in those posts and unnecessary but I get that sometimes you just need to let them get on with it and just do your own thing ( while seething internally!!).
The main thing is to try not to let it get to you and definitely not between you and DH.
All the best with your pregnancy! x

I don't have any advice but you are not alone. My mother in law is a complete pain in the backside and my husband is a bit crap with putting her first, or so it always feels to me.

actually here's my advice, just ignore her and pick your battles. on the small stuff let it slide, to make your life easier, on the big stuff make your point and then keep making it again when they don't listen. they have a way of putting on blinders and just not listening. the thing is, it only gets worse when the baby is here. my dd is 2 this week and with xmas and birthday all in one go it is a giant pain in the arse to the point of us being told we should move in order to accommodate the giant ikea toy kitchen she bought and we asked her not to. wtf?

i dont mean to come across as stand offish or whatever you said pictish. but actually i do find texting, phoning calling in everyday unncessary regardless of what you think doesnt make you any closer to your family.

also my DH has been home for dinner or going out many a time as he has called into his DM so actually that pess me off. and i dont expect a 27 year old woman SIL to get cross with her 31 year older brother because he doesnt answer texts straightaway or because we have chosen to do only one thing on her birthday and not two due to money etc. these are types of things that get on my wick!

just for perspective my parents are actually my foster parents who i moved in with when i was 12 i had a terrible childhood so its not without understanding.

ouch pictish you're being harsh.

i have an overbearing Mil and she's a pain in the arse, but DH is close to her so I pick my battles and pretty much stew on it the rest of the time. my issue. drives me nuts, whatevs.

but being preggo, having lost one, is a very different scenario when unwanted baby goods make their way through the door. it can be too close to home and invasive. especially making it too real and forcing others expectations (or perceived expectations) on you before you're ready for them. i'm in the same boat and we told my MIL quite late (16 weeks) becuase I didn't want to deal with her enthusiasm which tends to come as constant questioning. she brings my DD tons of crap all the time, despite us both asking her repeatedly not to, but if she trucks through the door with a baby grow I'll shove it back in her face and kick her up the back side.

Cazm2 - do pick your battles for your own sanity and to keep the peace with DH - but MiLs being a pain in the arse are something you need to vent about so go or it. just not to DH if can be avoided.

sorry i'm totally using this thread to bitch about my own MiL i realise.

That's a bit harsh, pictish - the baby wash wasn't the only issue, which is really clear in the post.

I do think MIL's have an uncanny way of getting under our skin, and it is different from your own mum interfering (who you've known your whole life) to another woman you might not know that well or like that much having (or trying to have) such a big say on things.

I'm sure mine thinks she means well, but she really wants things her way and makes out I'm being precious if I don't go along with it. DH is really reluctant to stand up to her - I've asked him to say a couple of things recently to head of some situations that are going to be tricky (esp with regards to them wanting to come to stay right after the baby's born) and he nods along but when it comes down to it, nothing happens and I have to be the one to say something, which always makes me look like the bad guy.

I don't think there's much for it to be honest, if it's clear she is being deliberately manipulative but DH won't hear it, it's super frustrating but you might just have to try and have a bit of a thick skin about it, especially as he seems to feel really responsible for his family. You're probably not going to win so might be better to try and accept what she offers and then bin/sell it when she's gone!

I am sorry for you first miscarriage but glad you have a new baby to look forward to.

I wonder what its like to be MIL, it must be really difficult to bite you lip and perhaps your MIL cannot help help herself. I once tried to speak my mind to my MIL and I wish I hadn't as its not the same as speaking to your mum. I think accept the gifts with a smile. Everyone likes to feel valued perhaps that is all your MIL is actually after. Good luck

OP I know exactly where you're coming from; my MIL is the same so here are some things I have used to make things bearable.

The Good Granny Guide by Jane Fearnley-Whittingstall (mum of that bloke who cooks in the Guardian) has loads of advice aimed specifically at the MIL, who is often left feeling a bit out of the loop as she is 'number two granny' after your own mum. I bought my MIL a copy to read. Don't know if she has or not, but it was a massive Please Just Back Off and Curb Your Enthusiasm request from me to her. Plus, DH saw it as me trying to reach out to his mum, which helped our relationship (mine and DH's) no end as I was getting so fraught with things.

Space. Your DH goes round to see his mum and sister several times a week, texts, calls, spends (to you) an unnecessary amount of time with them. Mine works with both of his parents so they see him daily, call him in between times and text constantly. This narks me because I personally think it's weird, but that is because they are not my family who do things differently. My advice to you here is let him go, but don't feel under any kind of pressure to have to go along too, and make his home with you and your new baby the most inviting place. You can't force him to choose between his 'birth' family and you, and trying to do so will only push him away. It will take a long time to bring him round perhaps, but can you really see him wanting to drop everything and run off to his mum when he could instead rush home to hold his child?

If you want to discuss how you feel with your DH (and I strongly recommend that you do, especially given your miscarriage and fragile state atm) don't back him into a corner by telling him his mum is making things hard for you. Doing this will make him have to choose between you again and isn't fair. Instead, tell him you feel very vulnerable and you need him to protect you from everyone/thing. Don't be too specific, just tell him your fears without laying them all at his family's feet. He gets to feel all manly and protective of you, and if he is anything like my DH, he will respond and protect you without feeling that his relationship with his mum has been compromised.

Finally (good lord I am sorry for rambling on so long!) it really will be better for you to get all of this off your chest and out of your mind as soon as possible so that you can enjoy the rest of your pregnancy in peace. You simply cannot afford, or be made to put up with the stress. For me, I had a few understanding female friends to whom I could tell everything my MIL was doing that hurt me, and they were all people who would not then go and tell her what I'd said. Use your mum, your friends, colleagues, whoever you can to get the harsh stuff off your chest and you will feel better when you go home to DH each night.

And can everyone please stop pictish bashing on this thread? There was a rather lengthy apology further up the the thread that people seem to have ignored.

i don't think you are overreacting at all, I had this problem with my mum. We have been trying to get pregnant for 6 years via ivf. finally fell and so this will be our only child. You become stuck between trying not to jinx yourself and wait appropriate time till you can start buying for yourself (which is th best bit) and relatives barging in an buying everything before you get a chance to and taking away all your decisions. It's the same as announcing your getting married and a relative choosing your gown and makeup without even discussing it with you. Your not paranoid. These relatives have had their time in the spotlight when they had their baby, it's now your turn.

I think on a subconcious level it's also like feeling that your MIL is 'declaring that they are the childs parent' as they are claiming your role and that interferes with your strong maternal instinct. You need to create a 'wishlist' online or in a shop and this has solved all problems as you get the gift you need (and have chosen) and relative feels like they are helping.

I cans see both points of view. MIL's can be interfering from a mum-to-be's perspective but from their perspective they are just an excited grandparent.

My PIL are elderly (74 and 82). Their only child is my DH and the likelihood is (if DH gets his own way!) it will be their only grandchild. Since my pregnancy announcement in May, they have always bought something. They visit every weekend and come over with a car load of stuff for us or the baby. Sometimes it's quite nice but after a while it can get irritating because it takes away the joy of being a parent-to-be and shopping for things yourself.

The only things that annoy me is when MIL buys me 'personal stuff' such as maternity towels and disposable knickers. She is being helpful BUT also wrongly assuming that I would want to use what she buys. She STILL has not learnt to 'ask before buying' because a couple of times she has duplicated something that I already have. I have no intention of using disposable knickers. Luckily most things that she has bought or made are quite useful (cotton buds, creams, wipes, knits cardigans and blankets).

I think pregnancy can provoke a very strong maternal instinct in some of us and sometimes an over-excited relative can make us over protective of our little ones and make us feel that others are trying to take ownership over the pregnancy and child.

I've made it clear to both sets of parents of things NOT to buy and NOT to interfere with our parenting skills that we intend to use. I'm very much the person "If there is no danger of harm, shut up. If I want help, I will ask".