New member - can anyone help? Unplanned pregnancy.

[mzundastood]

I have just joined the site and quite scared to post this due to some of the comments I have read. Please be GENTLE!! I am 33 years old and have just found out I am pregnant, I am around 4 weeks. This has come as a huge shock and completed unplanned, my partner and I have been together for four years and due to many reasons we are separating. I am in the process of moving out of our home and starting again with very little. I know this is the right thing to do however hard it is. However I found out I was pregnant a week ago, I am scared, shocked and not sure what to do. I have a son who is 18 next year (yes i was a very young mum) I am in almost the same situation on my own, no family and little savings. I am currently not working due to mental health problems. I have always wanted another baby and the thought of never having another makes me very sad. I had very different ideas in my head how this would happen, I imagined myself to be happy and settled with a partner, my mental health improved and back at work, not taking medication (currently on 225mg venlafaxine), having stopped smoking (yes I am a smoker desparately trying to stop, which I am finding very hard), having money in the bank etc. This is not the situation I am in totally the opposite. I have spent the last week researching and reading every piece of information I can find to help me come to a decision. I want what is best for the baby, it has been suggested by many that the best course of action would be for me to have a termination. The thought of this breaks my heart, and I am now on here sharing my story with strangers due to feeling so alone and having no one to turn to. That in itself makes me feel vulnerable.
Emotionally, physically I am not in a strong position. I have been allocated a council house which needs decorated, carpeted etc and I don't have much let alone able to provide everything a baby will need. Am I being selfish in even considering keeping the baby? The father of the child who is a good man, just not good for me and can't make me happy feels we should stay together for the baby's sake (this is not an option, I did this for 15 years for my first son thinking it was best) if we are not together he feels the best thing to do is have an abortion for mysake and the babys.
Since finding out I am pregnant I have contacted my G.P, my pyschiatrist, all info on the net, books and studies with available data on medication effects.
The G.P has given me 2 weeks to think about what I am going to do. he has cut my medication to 150mg to which I am having withdrawal night sweats, dizzy spells, headaches etc. Do I return to 225mg?
The info available is confusing on the venlafaxine, contradicts itself.
I was informed a home birth would be out of the question and not permitted due to the baby going to suffer withdrawal from the meds and breast feeding would not be allowed. I had a terrible time having my son I was 15 years old and wasw treated very badly in the hospital, I wanted (if safe of course) to have a home birth the next time I had a baby.
I did not breastfeed my son and wished to try and breastfeed any other babies I had.
I am a smoker and told my G.P how worried I am about this, I have cut down and feel guilt for each cigarette I smoke, the more stressed and worried I get the more I want to reach for a cigarette. The G.P said he would not recommend nicotine patches and I was just to cut down. I will struggle going cold turkey and before anyone berates me there is no need I know I should not be having any cigarettes.
I will blame myself if there is anything wrong with the baby (I was smoking like a lum until I found out I was pregnant) my son has packed his job in, the relationship ending etc I was under a lot of stress.
This pregnancy is completely unplanned and I am overwhelmed by it all and everything else that is going on.
I know only I can decide what I am going to do, and no one can make this decision for me. If there are any mums on here who have anything in common with my situation I would be so grateful for any advice you are willing and have the time share.
I am sure there will be some negative comments to my post, honestly there is no need, you can not make me feel any worse than I already do. I am crying a lot and not sleeping, I wish this had not happened and can not believe I have fallen pregnant after all these years and never fell pregnant before. I only wish the best for the baby it is after all blameless and innocent in all of this.
If you have taken the time to read this post thank you.

Poor you, i cant give you any advice as such, but couldnt read and run. I have also just found out im pregnant, completly un planned too and am trying to get my head around it. I am also a smoker, and have been drinking quite heavily recently, but have stopped the drink, but have to admit, the smoking is difficult, though i did just have 4yesterday. Am thinking of trying those electric cigs?? Dunno if it will help! When its unplanned, which im sure alot are, you cant turn back the clock. Good luck in your decision, as you said only you can make it.

I can't comment from personal experience. However, my Mum got pregnant with my sister when she was 14 (this was back in the 70s). Her family told her she had to get rid of the baby, which she refused to do and ran away to her Aunties. Her family then told her she needed to give the baby up for adoption and put her in a mental institution, telling her they would let her come home after the birth. She was put on a ward with genuinely ill people who were trying to commit suicide and things. Yet she managed to stay positive for her and the baby. A few weeks in, my Dad came to her and said that he would get her out of there, and marry her once the baby came. He stuck to his word, and even though they had no money, they managed in one room in a house. My Mum said it was so cold they all had to pile into the bed with their coats and hats on.

After this rather long winded story, the point I'm getting at, is that if you want to have this baby, you will find a way. Forget what the doctors say, or the baby's father. What do you want to do? I'm sure that people will help you out. There are lots of lovely ladies on here who can give you support and advice.

xxxxx

hippieshake, thats such a sad, but lovely story!

Oh dear op, poor you. I can't tell you what to do, only that you must do whatever feel right for you.
People have terminations for all sorts of reasons, and if that's the desicion you come to then it's probably the right one for you. .
I had a termination when dd was 14 months old. I was on anti depressants due to horrific post natal depression and i absolutly knew I would not be able to cope. I was upset, and it was hard but certainly the right decsion. Had I kept the baby it would have been disasterous.
Equily if you decide to keep that baby I'm sure you will cope beautifuly, No one really is ever prepared, no matter what they say, and your situation is not unusual or insurmountable. You are in no way being selfish, considering as throughaly as you are is entirely unselfish. I do wish you luck op xxx

I also suffer with depression. I had to have a termination when my youngest was 7 months old it was the best decision at the time but still feel like someone is missing. I was told Prozac is ok to take whilst pregnant if necessary but can lead to having a laid back baby ! Not sure this Is good ?? I'm still trying to see a gp. Do what u feel is best . Do what the gp says and think
On it xx

I fell pregnant with my DS whilst on anti depressants, I absolutely knew that I wanted him and actually he improved my mental health, because he gave me a reason to get up in the morning. I gradually gave up smoking while i was pregnant and although it was hard, I had completely given up by the time i had him. I managed on benefits and got all his baby stuff second hand. These days I'm sure you could get stuff on Freecycle. It can be done, if you really want this baby.

Whichever you decide I think you will cope with good support and help,however don't be pressured into anything that you don't want to do. I am afraid I can't speak from personal experience but I don't think it would be selfish to keep the baby, it is your choice and there are ways to cope financially. On the other hand if you don't feel it is right to have the baby now it may be better to have a termination. I think ultimately your health comes first x

Hi mzundastood,

I'm sorry that you have dreamt so long of falling pregnant and being in better circumstances, and have found yourself in a situation that isnt that different to the one your first child was born in. However, I can tell by reading your post, that you really want this child, and also, that you are way stronger than you think you are. You have the strength to leave a relationship that you know isnt working, knowing that you are pregnant, and that staying together for a child is not the right thing to do.

Being in a tight spot financially, having depression, smoking etc, do not make you weak. Yes it's not the ideal start to a pregnancy, but you mustn't beat yourself up for those things which you cant control, but look at each thing on its own and try to sort out what you can going forwards without being over-whelmed. I havent been in your situation, but I have withdrawn from antidepressants before. It can be unpleasant and not much fun, but you can and will get there, dont give up. Will you be able to get counselling or other support though to help you?

I had a hideous traumatic birth which was induced. I was quite badly injured and my son never took to breastfeeding. At first I felt a bit awful about it all, but now I look back and think, it doesnt really matter. the birth is a couple of days out of life, and my son is a happy and healthy little boy, they are tiny things in the great scheme of life. I would take one step at a time though, and deal with each hurdle as it comes up. if you continue with this pregnancy you might find in 6 months time that you really feel strong in yourself and you will be in a good place to talk about these things with healthcare professionals without being bullied into doing things you dont want to do. presumably if you have come off all medication and dont go back on it, theres no reason why you shouldnt breastfeed? but as i said, try not to worry about these things now, the small things like that shouldnt be part of your decision, as you will work them out.

hope you are ok and taking little positive steps x

OK. Go back to the doctor. Are you under the care of a psychiatrist? If so, you need to see them. Coming down in steps of greater than 37.5g a week will cause side effects. There are ways to manage them, and there's the possibility of swapping you from your current meds onto something that's more suitable during pregnancy. You need someone who knows their stuff to manage this.

And smoke. I know it's not the best thing, but for your health and well being, don't try to take on too much at once. Try to smoke outside.

Don't panic. Deal with today. You can worry about next week when it comes.

And withdrawal for a baby is not a certainty. If you were on the medication at the birth, yes. If you are off it by the third trimester it's much, much less likely.

I am so sorry that you are going through such a difficult time at the moment. The girls on here have given you some really good advice so I can't add to that really, only to say you have time on your side, as the pregnancy is still in the very early stages, to think about what you really want to do.
I had a termination when I was 22, my boyfriend had left me before I knew, I was in debt, just out of college, worried my family would disown me, etc, it early killed me doing it because I wanted deep down to keep the baby. Now I am married with more children and I still find it hard to come to terms with. I now realise that I could have overcome those issues and it would probably have been ok. My advice is go with what your heart is telling you to do, the practicalities will sort themselves out. Don't let anyone push you into making a choice you aren't happy with, how supportive would the father be if you decide o have the baby? Whatever you do have counselling first, it is amazing how another person can make you look at your situation from fresh eyes. Whatever you decide I wish you the best of luck.

mg not g

There's always a way if you want it. Support comes in many forms. Try your local children's centre. They are fantastic and the whole purpose is to help and support families.
My mum was 16 (Dad 19) when my brother was born - and she didn't even 'know' until 30 minutes before he was born! They married 3 weeks later, lived with my paternal grandmother, both worked whilst caring for a baby, rented several houses before I came along 3 years later (planned) but they managed to look after 2 small children, cloth and feed them whilst both working manual unskilled jobs (no benefits). They even bought their first home together when I was 3-years-old and 30 years down the line, are in their 3rd owned-home together, married for 36 years (many, many ups and downs) and happy.
I'm not saying 'stay with your partner'. I'm saying that if you REALLY want something, you CAN make it work.

1stly sending you huge hugs!! Please stop beating yourself up you are not a bad person because you want to end your relationship or having mental health problems at the moment or because you smoke!!
I am 28 weeks pregnant, totally unplanned & as the result of a casual non-committed relationship & I am 37. I am already single mum (seperated nearly 4 yrs) to a 9 year old & curently not working so relying on benefits. I am sure many people would critisise my decision to keep this baby but I do have my reasons that hopefully justify my choice for some but if not then hey it's not really any of their business. I have worked full time in the past paying heavily into the state & I will again when it suits my family but right now I need some help. I am a little worried how I will cope with a baby on my own but I have coped with more stressful situations in my life & I believe when the chips are down women are amazingly strong (esp mothers!!) I just knew instantly that although my circumstances were not ideal that the impact on terminating my pregnancy to please others would screw me up for life & I did'nt want to feel that kind of grief again.

Please take your time to think about things there is no rush right now to make a decision but ultimately whatever people around you say you HAVE to do what you know is best for you & your future. Good luck x

To all of you,

To each and every one of you who has taken the time to share your stories, your advice and your time I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I have never experienced this sort of kindness before and I am touched by it. If I am honest I was scared to come back on, I was expecting negative comments. Now I am so happy I opened my heart and shared my story with you all.

Not one of you judged me and you all seem genuinely concerned for me and that means more than you will ever know.
I do not have a family, I have no contact with my parents (another long story shall share that some other time) my family consists of my son and two close female friends, they will support me in whatever I do.
The general feeling from my ex (whom I am still sharing a house with) is he does not want to be a part time dad if we are not going to stay together it is best to have a termination. I know if I told his family they would be of the same mind, it is crazy to think of keeping a baby in these circumstances and I am unstable due to my mental health condition.
I do want to keep this baby and one of you posted you could tell that by reading my story. You are so right, I do. I have no reasoning for this except I can feel my body changing and I know there is a life growing inside me.
My plan is to take one small step at a time, break this all down into stages rather than try to deal with it all at one time. I am sure anyone in my position would feel overwhelmed and emotional, I however always question my emotions worrying it is my mental health condition rather than a normal reaction.
The first step is to wait and get my keys and move out, this in itself shall be a relief sharing a house with my ex has taken its toll on me. I am sure when I am in my own home and feel more secure I will feel better and more relaxed.
I will go back to my G.P and continue to keep contact with my pyschiatrist, I will attend my counselling as soon as the appiontment comes through (to deal with childhood abuse which is apparently the root of my mental health problems).
I have around 35 weeks to concentrate solely on building myself up and getting myself in the best possible mental and physical condition so I can then be the best mum I can be to my baby. That is all that matters.
I have told the father he can be as involved as he wishes to be, or not, I am not asking him for anything, but would welcome his support.
I am not to proud to ask for help from benefits etc, and would take all the help I could get. I have always been a bit of a second hand bargain hunter and you are all right if I managed when I was 15 to provide for my son I am sure I can do this again.
It has been a hellish few months having my second breakdown losing my job, my relationship breaking down, my teenage son being a teenager!, trying to find somewhere else to live etc so it is not surprising I am feeling a little low and running on empty.
My unborn bambino could be one of the most positive things that has happened to me rather than a negative. It gives me something to focus on, a reason to eat better, exercise, attend my appiontments, to look after myself or even just get out of bed in the morning for.

I know I could not go through with a termination it would destroy me so really there is no point in thinking about it anymore. I already feel very attached to the baby and protective of him/her. God I am having a baby that is exciting, I am pregnant!! I have been so busy thinking of all the bad things and listening to others I haven't let myself for a second be happy about it.
I am going to give myself a break! and stop beating myself up I am being to hard on myself and like you all, I would not be saying this to someone else in my position.
If I do stay on medication throughout my pregnancy I know I sought the best possible advice and weighed up all the risks. I can have peace of mind that I did not carry on regardless.

I am going to look to the future and hope to have a healthy pregnancy and ultimately a happy healthy baby, which would mean more to me than anything else.

Thinking aloud and typing all of this down has helped me so much and reading all of your posts has also helped me see clearer and through fresh eyes. I can feel myself relaxing and breathing easier already.

Thank you all once again and I hope I can help someone else on here in the future. Good luck to all of you lovely mummies.

Love and Light Nichola xxxxxxxxxxxx

I am so glad you are feeling better about things already by the sounds of it & you sound just as I suspected... much stronger than you gave yourself credit for in your 1st post. My babies father has chosen to have nothing to do with him & I am fine about that (hurt like hell at 1st) but I figure now that I will cope much better as a single parent than he will as an astranged one living within a stones throw of his son!!!

In the past 6 years I have been through so much trauma & sadness & in the past needed medication to help me get through that time so for me I knew it was a simple choice keep an unplanned but very much wanted baby or a life of regret, self hatred & I am sure a rapid decline in mental health if I had terminated like the Dad wanted me to.

Financially it is a struggle but I see that as a challenge!! Have gotten a few baby bargins on E-Bay & I don't know if you are a facebook member but it seems in all regions of the country pages & groups have been set up for people to buy & sell their pre-owned stuff so you might find bargains on those.

A lot of my friends who know about what I have been through recently (death of my dd2, 3 years ago) have said that although this baby was'nt planned sometimes these things happen for a reason & it was what fate had in store for me, so maybe the same could be said for you. x

Just a quick post, but when I was pg with ds4 I was on 300mg venlafaxine and 1000mg lithium. I had an extra scan at 28 weeks to check baby's heart( which was fine) my options were come off meds at 37 weeks or be induced at 37weeks. I was induced as knew coming off my meds would be a bad idea. Ds4 born perfectly healthy was not withdrawing and we got home the next day. Just wanted you to know that it can workout ok xx

I am so glad that you are feeling so much more positive, it's lovely to hear. If ever you need any help with anything you know that you can send any one of us a message.

Lots of love and cuddles for you and baby xxx

BelleRomford74 thank you for sharing, I am glad you are coping and happy now without the daddy, your thoughts about having a termination echo my own. I think you have very good friends who I am glad are there for you. I am sorry you have had to experience so much saddness and trauma in your life, you sound like a strong person and have coped with it all. Well done you, you go girl. I hope you keep in touch and let me know how you get on. I have been looking on gumtree, ebay and preloved and there are some gorgeous items for sale. I have plenty of time to get organised. Im not so worried about the financial side of things (should be i have none pennies) I know I can manage that. I am only doubting my ability with the pregnancy and coping on my own, negative opinions being voiced my way do not help. I am sure you know the type of thing, "you won't cope", "what if the baby is deformed, how bad would you feel then?", "you will get postnatal depression and have another breakdown", "babies need healthy mums, not a mum with mental health issues" blah blah. I am maybe fooling myself into thinking I am at as much risk of the above as the next person, I may well struggle but I know the symptoms of when I am going downhill and I've come through it all before, I will have more motivation this time.
My son (who is 17 years old) bless him has been fab, he doesnt want to go to his dads at xmas and leave me in sitting on my own, new house won't be decorated or carpeted by then. He told me kids age you quicker than drugs (hark at him lol) and I am not getting any younger, so maybe I should keep this baby. He said he realises now I wasn't well when he was younger but he never noticed, he felt I put him first and he never missed out on anything.
Jennyfromtheblock,
Thank you hearing from real women rather than reading data from studies helps no end with the worries of medication, as does knowing I am not alone in this.
Hippieshake,
Your hugs and most appreciated, thanks so much. I will indeed keep in touch. This site should have an addiction warning!
Love to you all xxxx

Hey chick, firstly stop feeling guilty over everything! To me you sound like you want to continue with the pregnancy but are worried about the financial aspect of it. If you had your 1st at 15 and got through that surely this one won't be as hard! You don't have to rush your decision, i think the only way your going to be able to decide is to stop thinking about it! I know sounds odd but if u stop thinking deep down you will probably know what you want to do. Your already saying you want the best for the baby well the best is a life - know matter what you can offer it financially! I'm now 19 weeks pregnant and over the moon but it took me a while to get to this place. I wasn't in a great situation, i have a great partner but he was leaving for the Army the following week and we didn't and still dont no if our relationship could survive that, plus a few other things i had to breakdown about! I couldn't decide what was going to be best, I don't really know how I made the choice to continue with the pregnancy I think even though I had a million and one reasons not to I knew in my heart this baby was a keeper. Iv had a termination - at 16 and would never judge anyone for it, only you will know what is right for you. you don't need to stay with your partner for the sake of the baby - I don't believe in all that crap, if the mothers not happy the baby won't be. You said he is a good man so he will support you even when you are not in a relationship - he probably just wants to hang on to you and think his could be a way to do that. You can be 2 grey parents and friends in time but live separately - don't let that be a factor in your choice, their are loads of happy, intelligent healthy babies and adults out there brought up by single parents.

I don't no how much damage smoking can do in the early days and obviously it's bet if you can stop or slow up - if you are going to keep the baby of course, but I think you need to take one thing at a time - don't overwhelm yourself, deciding to have a termination or a baby is the hardest Choice you'l ever have to make - make that first an then get help with he smoking it doesn't all need to be done over night. We all have ideals about how we would like o bring a baby into the world but hey, life doesn't always turn out how we planned and it's how we deal with he crap that makes us who we are.

be strong, be calm and forget anyone that trys to judge you negatively.

Take care of yourself
Hayley xxxx

just read your 2nd post - and would like to say a massive CONGRATULATIONS!!! Your having a baby you will manage, and your soooo right one small step at a time, mental health issues or not your situation is hard and would stress the calmest o people out! Really happy for you. Mumsnet is amazing - the only thing these ladies judge you on is the name choices lol keep us updated with everything and good luck with your new chapter mwah x

Hi Justhayley x,

:o :o :o :o :o I know I am keeping my baby! Should be singing the Madonna song. It is so weird and lovely people you do not know being happy for you, and people who know and love me (apparently) putting a dampner on my happiness. Thank you so much for your posts, brought a big smile to my face and a squeal of joy. You are so right my plate is a little over flowing just now, the sanest of peeps would be getting a little stressed.
Congradulations on your own news! Glad you are well and happy, I hope you and your parnter manage to work things out, keep me posted. You will manage if you don't you sound strong and in control. I hope it all works out for you.

I don't know what will happen with my ex time shall tell and it's last thing on my mind, I would never say never as we may well work it out.
This is a great site and I am happy I found it, I have had more peace of mind in the last 2 days than I have in a long time.

Stay well and have a happy happy pregnancy keep in touch xxxxxx

Good for you! I am so happy that you have made the decision to keep the baby and you feel so positive about it. I agree with justhayley, having a baby even when carefully planned can throw up all sorts of issues and worries. It is also the best thing that will ever happen to you, well you know that already with your son. Good luck with everything, you will be a great mum to this baby. Xx

Congratulations! Enjoy being pregnant, look after yourself and by the time your little bundle arrives, you will probably be in a much better place than you are right now. I'm so very happy for you and so glad that you went with your heart on this! x x x

Congratulations!!! I can't add much that hasn't been said already, the only piece of advice I wanted to give you was in regards to your smoking. I quit smoking when I found out I was pregnant. I had 3 days of hell, constantly craving, eating boiled sweets so I couldn't have a fag, angry at everyone! Day 4 I realised I didn't feel so bad, and it just got easier from there. I'm not going to lecture you on what smoking does to an unborn baby, you already know all that. I just wanted you to know it's hard to give up, but after a few days it really does get easier, and would be the best thing for your unplanned but clearly already loved baby. Good luc with whatever you decide re the smoking and pills, you will be a fantastic mummy.