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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Was it planned???

26 replies

Alligatorpie · 26/11/2011 05:49

is this really an appropriate question to ask a pregnant woman? OK I know it is not, but why do people think it is ok to ask?
And how do you respond?
I don't think anyone asked me with dd, but so far with this one, I have been asked about four times! I really don't know what to say to them!
Any Ideas on how to deal with these people? Thanks so much!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

ktef · 26/11/2011 06:44

no suggestions, but I too have been asked this by three people at work! People at work! Who I hardly know!! It feels like they are asking either a) how carried away do you get with your husband when having sex? Do you enjoy it enough that you forget about contraception? or b) Do you want this child? Are you willing to betray your child before they are even born by admitting to a virtual stranger that you didn't want them??

I may be over reacting (), when I read this back I sound like I have anger issues, but it still seems like an incredibly personal question to ask....

kickingking · 26/11/2011 06:51

I've been asked this in both pregnancies. Also 'I didn't know you were trying!' why would I tell you that?!
And 'were you trying for long?' to which I have truthfully replied "for about half an hour"

nooka · 26/11/2011 06:52

I don't think it's a particularly terrible question to be honest. I said yes when pregnant with ds and when pregnant with dd (there is only a 16 mth gap so I didn't think it was a very surprising question!)

My understanding is that a large proportion of pregnancies are not specifically planned. I think people ask for a number of reasons, for something to say, because they are genuinely interested, and to gauge how to respond to the pregnancy. I don't think it is intended as some sort of slur on their the parents or the baby - just because dd wasn't planned it doesn't mean we didn't want her.

nooka · 26/11/2011 06:54

lol kickingking :) we were very surprised to get pregnant very fast with both our two, I really did think it took months of trying - the media were full of declining fertility stories at the time.

Kayzr · 26/11/2011 06:54

I would tell them to mind their own business and f*ck off. I was asked yesterday and that was my exact reply

kickingking · 26/11/2011 06:59

Yeah, us too - both times.

"omg! How did that happen?!"

Sometimes the (planned) baby I am expecting feels like an accident I am getting used to. At the end of July, we spontaneously decided to start trying - BFP 15th August!

Not complaining, I know we are very lucky. Just a bit shocking how quick it happened.

cairnterrier · 26/11/2011 07:02

I find this a really funny question - 'do you mean, do I have a normal sexual relationship with my DH?'. I mean I don't normally discuss my sex lift or contraceptive options with strangers so why I'd do so once I have a bump I'm not sure!!

cairnterrier · 26/11/2011 07:05

Sex life obviously

ktef · 26/11/2011 07:08

by the way I didn't mean to imply that unplanned pregnancies were unwanted. Just that that is what it feels like the person is implying when asking the question - like it will tell them whether to react to your news with congtratulations or commiserations....

NatashaBee · 26/11/2011 07:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cairnterrier · 26/11/2011 07:28

NatashaBee your answer is better!

Truffkin · 26/11/2011 07:34

My brother asked my husband this when we announced my pregnancy ( our son is 22 hours old!), well more specifically he asked 'was it an accident?'

We've been together for 7 years so I can't imagine why he thought we might have got lazy at that stage I didn't get it from anyone else, although people did ask if we'd been trying for long. As we had, I was just honest about it but didn't go into detail. Kind of 'well, longer than we'd hoped but I'm assured it's all worth it in the end!' type thing.

QuietTiger · 26/11/2011 09:24

My pregnancy was very much planned, (in so far as we stopped using contraception and were deliberately shagging like rabbits for me to get pregnant, before we embarked on IVF later this year).

This was following deliberate removal of my mirena coil and a laparotomy to remove a 10cm ovarian cyst that the doctors thought was a cancerous tumor and ovarian cancer, this time last year.

Our baby is very much wanted, we are very excited about it and we consider it a miracle because I was told I probably couldn't have children, let alone by "natural conception" without resorting to IVF. Some fool asked my DH if he actually wanted children, or was it an "accident".

My DH is very mild mannered, "usually" and normally he's very polite. His response...

"Fuck off, it's none of your business and your question is rude and ignorant".

kiki22 · 26/11/2011 12:07

At least your not getting the 'are you keeping it' question now that one really pisses me off.

houmousandcarrotsandwich · 26/11/2011 15:24

OP I've had this loads this time.
As said by others, the world seems shocked that you actually choose to have another baby!
I get that 'accidents' happen, but will it make people feel better being aware of why you conceived?
My sister asked if it was a surprise, to which I said I don't do surprises!

ExquisiteCake · 26/11/2011 17:04

It's presumed by my parents if you don't use contraception then you're trying....

mousebacon · 26/11/2011 17:40

I bought pregnancy and birth magazine in tesco this week and the woman on the till said "ooh, are you married?" wtf?!

My reply: oh, I didn't realise it was a prerequisit these days, would it matter if I wasn't?

She then said oh, I thought it was a wedding magazine... Eh?

People are strange!

mousebacon · 26/11/2011 17:41

She could clearly see my wedding rings btw...

morethemerrier · 26/11/2011 17:58

Wait till you are pregnant with DC4! (21 weeks exp DC4)

I usually get in there first with 'and before you ask, no its not and OOOppppss baby,very much planned and wanted!

And you can usually see from the look on their face that they were thinking, if not actually now having the chance to say exactly that!

Four was always my plan, I actually had a miscarriage in March this year and for those people who then, having not had the chance to ask the above usually say, oh I think your mad, or you'll have your hands full etc rather than then justifying MY life choices I share the devastation of my miscarriage, perhaps I am being unfair but tbh sometimes people need to appreciate that some questions are just not theirs to ask!

And if they can ask something as intimate as my family planning they can damn well have ALL the facts,warts and all!

HardCheese · 26/11/2011 18:04

I can't believe the number of times I've been asked this, either by family members or by people I hardly know. My response tends to be short and rude and involve a look if incredulous disgust.

CatsRule · 28/11/2011 11:51

My Chief Executive said to me "I didn't know you were trying" like I should of confided that information

I do agree that quite often people just say anything mostly rubbish just for the sake of saying something and talking to you. You, as a person, seem to disappear when pregnant!

hubbahubster · 28/11/2011 14:10

Morethemerrier that's similar to my response. I did wonder whether it was slightly mean to reply "well we lost the one before this" but I thought sod it, if they're rude enough to ask such a personal question then they can have a raw and personal response. Glad it's not just me!

MammaInTheMaking · 28/11/2011 16:13

Am on the verge of going public about my pregnancy which is very much wanted and planned. DP and I miscarried in Aug and got pg straight away again. Only a handful of people know and today we're 12 weeks. I'm so scared about telling my parents and I know one of my mum's first questions will be "was it planned". I now have a blunt response in the bag...."well we miscarried the first so this one is dearly wanted." I'm praying she'll be the total opposite of how I expect, but somehow I feel this news is going to take a long time to sink in... Her CHILD (27) is having a baby and she is in NO WAY READY FOR THIS -EVERRR!!!

MandaHugNKiss · 28/11/2011 16:40

I don't mind being asked... but on the whole, the only four people who actually seem interested in the pregnancy already knew we were trying again following a mmc in April and everyone else, most notably DF's family seem to be pretending it doesn't exist!

I want a sex lift though. Where can I get one?

SausageSmuggler · 28/11/2011 16:50

I can kind of understand if a mw asks just because if it isn't the mother might need some additional support. That said I made a point of telling my mw at my booking in appointment that this one was a suprise and that I was still in a bit of shock but I don't think she even acknowledged that I said it lol.

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