Feeling bullied

[GodKeepsGiving]

I don't want to get flamed, I just want to tell someone that I feel rubbish. I am pg with no7 and my DH is currently studying and doing voluntary work. It wasn't planned, but I don't want to get rid of my baby. We won't be relying on help from others forever, but I feel like everyone is looking down on me for having such a large family. I have recently given up my degree to look after 4 of my dcs who are autistic and I feel like everything's on top of me. I feel so vulnerable and self-concious and I am scared to tell any of my friends about the baby because my husband had been having internet affairs over the last year and I was very upset. We had been careful, but this time got carried away. There is so much venom towards large families at the moment. I am apprehensive about going into hospital, but I know I have to because the pregnancy is high risk. I am so sad. Could anyone offer me some support please?

what ages are your children? Go to the hospital, it will be fine. Do you have anyone who could look after the children while you go?

they are 14, 12 7, 5, 2 and 10 months. We have some friends at church but we don't really know them well. I'm worried about going to the hospital because some of the auxiliary staff were really unkind last time. I complained, but it's a bit late after the event. I'm not due until June but I suppose I'm at that early hormonal stage. Thanks for replying.

bump...

Poor you, you do seem to have a lot going on. Sorry about your 'D'H. Is this a pattern of behaviour for him?

What things are people saying? If you tell us then we can come up with responses for you!

You've hinted that it's to do with your large family and because you're relying on others, i.e. the taxpayer? You can counter that with your brood will be the ones working to support the state pension in years to come!

But it does also sound like you didn't want to get pregnant. Sorry to be personal but can you (if you haven't already) talk to your GP about reliable contraception? Sorry to say this but your 'D'H doesn't sound like someone you can rely on.

Thanks for your reply Rhinestone. He hasn't done this before that I know of. It started with me finding out he'd been downloading porn and keeping a picture of a woman he's been studying with at Uni on his laptop. I didn't want to get pregnant, but I do want the baby. I feel like I'm every stereotype under the sun. I'm youngish (33) and will soon have seven children. I'm uneducated now - or at least with an incomplete education. I'm overweight since I have an underactive thyroid and I have fairly recently given birth. I'm just not quite who I wanted to be. And yet, I do want this baby very much.
I know that some people think that those in my shoes are irresponsible, feckless etc, but I didn't think I'd be in this position either. I don't know what to do about dp, but I don't want to be on my own with all the children - they need continuity so much because of their condition. I have to go now but really do appreciate your reply

OK, I really think you need to have a chat with your GP. I'm glad you're happy about this baby - congrats btw - but it's 2011 and you really don't need to get pregnant ever again if you don't want to!

I also really think you need to address the situation with your husband. His behaviour is NOT acceptable and you deserve way more than that. I'm wondering if he likes you in a constant state of pregnancy as you're easier to control? You'll find all sorts of resources on unhealthy relationships in 'Relationships' - please address this for your sake.

I'm sorry you are going through this, do you have any close friends that you can confide in? I know you mentioned your friends from church, is there anyone else? You are going through a tough time with your husband, do you know how he feels about the baby? It is important that you do not feel judged by hospital staff, I would raise your concerns early on with the midwife, it is not their decision how many children you have or whether you work or not. I understand how you feel about your degree, is there a chance of finishing it part time or with distance learning if you wish to? It doesn't have to be now, could be years down the line, but a rough plan can make things seem much brighter. If you want to chat you can pm me, I will be praying for you and your family

Thanks so much labaloo, I will try to pm you later

Hi I don't really have anything to add beyone what the others have said. I just wanted to say though that you'd be welcome to join us over on the Christian prayer and chat threads. They can be found under the "religion and philosophy" section. Everyone is very friendly and supportive. There's also another section for larger families.

Hi OP you are not feckless, congratlations on your new pregnancy, I hope you see I'm genuine in that cogratulations, your situation isn't ideal, you seem to have A LOT going on and your 'D' H really needs to reign it in and cop on. I second the go onto relationship section. You'll get blunt but honest advice. If you are a person of faith then I also suggest going onto the Religion section, anything that gives you support is a good thing.
Its a great thing you've managed to do any part of a degree with 6 children, and 4 with autism (thats a lot of work) don't worry about your weight now either, its something you don't need stressing yourself out about.
I admit its a big load you have on your hands but its your life choice and everyone else should mind their own business. Can your husband get paid work? Is it just voluntary he is doing? Have you considered marriage counselling over the porn/picture you found? I'd be very harsh if it was my husband but every situation is different, you seem to have a lot on your plate and he needs to help you.
Take Care, hope you get some peace of mind

Thanks everyone. I have tried the relationships thread, but the general consensus was counselling and/or leave him. We're on a waiting list for counselling and I can't leave him because of the children. But if I was on my own, or just had older children then I might.
thejaffacakesareonme, I will have a look at the religion and philosophy section, it sounds really helpful, as well as the one for larger families.
PamBeesly, thank you for your sincere congratulations. I appreciate it, because despite everything, this is my baby who I am looking forward to meeting. H can only get voluntary work at the moment, he is also a student and has managed to get a few hours a week in school with the hope of submitting a PGCE application. To make matters worse in that direction, he has chosen to do a Psychology degree, which without wanting to be unkind is just too hard for him. He was fantastic at Sociology but refused to do it because it lacked status.
I tried to talk to him earlier because he recently said that he'd never actually been tempted by anyone else, but I obviously challenged this and his response was that it really wasn't that bad.
Apparently, it all began when I was pregnant with our last child. He kept starting arguments and going for long jogs - he said I was needy. I just needed him to be around and support me emotionally. I will pray. Lots. For all of us!
everyone x

OP, I'm concerned you haven't answered my questions about contraception. Obviously it's none of my business and you absolutely don't have to answer them! But it's just making me wonder all the more if this is a sign that your DH is controlling you by keeping you 'barefoot and pregnant'.

Please take control of this for yourself - you can get an injection or implant and he will never know - it's confidential. Please at least do this small thing for yourself.

And I'll say it again, he really doesn't sound like much of a catch. I suspect your faith is making you more accepting of his failings as you'll be someone who values marriage but keeping your vows works two ways. Can you speak to someone at your church about this? I promise you, he's not behaving as a Christian husband should.

Hi Rhinestone! It's been a long, long day and I've just logged on again. I was sterilised in 2009 and it failed - by May last year I was pregnant again. DH has suggested having a vasectomy, but I'm worried he'll hold it over me. I'm a bit frightened of having the injection because of my weight, but I would like to try the implant. I think that because I was so lucky to have my youngest child after being sterilised I feel as though I'm being a bit 'ungrateful' if I go for long term contraception. Maybe I need to work through that one.
I too thought he wasn't much of a catch after all the issues with other women and asked him to leave repeatedly. He kept saying that he wasn't prepared to leave his home and I have absolutely nowhere to go with my children. I have no family and my mother is dead so I'm pretty much on my own.
I have talked to people at church but they are very Bible believing and value submissive wives. Not me at all. But with so many autistic children it's somewhere to go to be honest and I now actually have some friends. I just feel a bit trapped some days. It will get better, I'm sure, but I do need to take control of the situation.

GodKeepsGiving

Seriously, come and join us. We're a real mix of women from a number of different churches and backgrounds. There's all sorts including single parents and those with experience of autism. There's also several of us that are pregnant at the moment. I find it a great source of support.

God your situation does seem very sad, I wish your husband would buck up and take responsibility for his family. I also see you feel at a loss to what you can do. Please work through your long term contraceptive issues too.
My best bit of advice to you is keep posting here, good and bad days will come and go, there is always support here. Some day something someone says might just 'click' on a lightbulb about something, even if it doesn't the support helps

Thanks Pam. It's been a bit of a funny day today. Last time I was pregnant, he moaned endlessly about me having to rest and his having to entertain the children. So I decided today, that because I was extremely tired I would give him some money to look after the children all day so that I could rest and have some peace and quiet. I gave him £30 and we agreed that I would get up at 6.30pm - when the littler ones were in bed. I do almost all day, every other day. At 4pm my DD (14) came in the bedroom, closely followed by DSs 1 & 2. I wasn't asleep but dozing, just really enjoying some time off. I got up at 4am and went to bed at 9.30am. It wouldn't be so bad but I didn't get some sleep until 12.30am because I was a bit overwrought after refereeing my teenage DDs arguments.
I really do appreciate everyone's good wishes

I have a friend who is a Christian and blogs about having been in an abusive relationship with her husband who she's now separated from. There's lots of good advice and resources on her site www.tesiroinspired.co.uk/

You should NOT have to pay your husband to help with the children.

Hi GodKeepsGiving.
Hope you're okay despite the lack of rest. It was a bit concerning to read that you have to pay your husband to look after your children, after all their his children too. Does he do that often?
You're obviously a very strong woman to deal with all that you do so please give yourself credit for that x

Hi, I don't HAVE to pay him (he doesn't ask for money etc), but it's easier when I do. I was really poorly last time when I was pregnant and he was downstairs with the children on his own. He said he wasn't getting his needs met and it was really stressful and so he turned to porn etc.

You are obviously in a very difficult position and seemingly not ideal for having another child. However there is never an ideal time to have them - studying, work, luck of money and housing or responsibility to look after someone always in our way of having children. Most women never manage to have more than 2-3 kids as in this day and age we have to work and provide income as much as our husbands. For you need to have kids seems to be stronger then to have carrier or time for yourself. Which means that you have a great heart and womanly nature. It is rear and it is great.
However there are some warning bells like abandoned education, uncontrollable weight gain, unplanned pregnancies and strained relationship with your husband. I think you have to address it. Ask yourself why there are so many things in your life that you have no control over.
I don't believe that woman can allow herself to be overweight and dress in knitted sportswear all the time and expect husband not to look anywhere else and wanting to stay at home all the time. As a woman I want to be on your side and fantasies that this is possible but the reality I see around me tells me different. By looking after ourselves we also show love to our husbands.
Your husband is studying and if I understood it right he doesn't have any stable payable work. It is understandable that he might be frustrated with the way his life is going no less than you.
Regarding porn - I think most of men watch it and I think it doesn't mean they love their wives/girlfriends less because of it. Internet romance is a different thing but it definitely shows that something is missing in your relationship and you both have to work it out. Best of luck to you and congratulations on your pregnacy!

Thanks Katherine. I wouldn't DREAM of wearing knitted sportswear or dowdy clothing.

God you could wear a string bikini or a burkha and if he was going to dishonour your relationship then he would. Its not YOU its him. Is he a Christian too? He doesn't sound like it, he sounds like a self entitled lazy man.
I wish there was a bit more support for you, concrete support from family, even the church. There is no need to be in such a miserable situation. Can the 14 year old help out a bit more (even though its your husband who should be doing it) I know you may think I'm husband bashing but he really needs to wake up and help you. The fact you gave him £30 to mind the children so you could take a rest is so saddening. How far along are you? x

I don't believe that woman can allow herself to be overweight and dress in knitted sportswear all the time and expect husband not to look anywhere else and wanting to stay at home all the time.
This comment is unbelievably unkind. I have fibromyalgia and hypothyroidism, the combination of which can lead to weight gain in pregnancy, particularly when someone can barely walk. Please think a little more carefully. I am here for support, not criticism. Perhaps the DM website would be a better outlet for such views.

It might seem like a 'great heart and a womanly nature' to you Katherine, but I see a woman who is putting herself absolutely the bottom of the pile, and accepting it as her lot. You do deserve better than this OP. I don't accept porn use as normal, and as a sign there's smoething both need to work on. The dp in this scernario is a dick, and by having child after child he is keeping his partner from reaching her potential. I don't mean to offend by that, but I've seen it in a friend of mine (also a christian) whose abusive, now ex, partner had 4 children with her in 5 years, and definately did see it as a way to repress her. I do think you need to reassess what you want from life OP. 6 children is a lot to cope with, 7 will be harder. But it sounds as if you have one more person to be responsible for than you really need. If I were you I'dbe getting rid of the dp, and booking for a sterilistation straight after the birth.

Thanks Pam. She does as much as she can but she's got joint problems too. He's a Christian as weel, but when our last baby was born and I was very upset about his behaviour online he just said that I wasn't putting the children's needs first.
I am not 'allowing myself to be overweight' as Katherine has suggested. It's a battle to get anything to eat at all. I am so tired and hungry that by the time I get the chance anything will do!