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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Feeling bullied

50 replies

GodKeepsGiving · 19/11/2011 12:03

I don't want to get flamed, I just want to tell someone that I feel rubbish. I am pg with no7 and my DH is currently studying and doing voluntary work. It wasn't planned, but I don't want to get rid of my baby. We won't be relying on help from others forever, but I feel like everyone is looking down on me for having such a large family. I have recently given up my degree to look after 4 of my dcs who are autistic and I feel like everything's on top of me. I feel so vulnerable and self-concious and I am scared to tell any of my friends about the baby because my husband had been having internet affairs over the last year and I was very upset. We had been careful, but this time got carried away. There is so much venom towards large families at the moment. I am apprehensive about going into hospital, but I know I have to because the pregnancy is high risk. I am so sad. Could anyone offer me some support please?

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Original poster

GodKeepsGiving · 20/11/2011 19:57

Thanks fuckity. I don't really see what else I can do.

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KatherineCam · 20/11/2011 20:17

I am sorry that I did not put it in better wording. I wasn't critisising but just expressed my view that there is always a reason for everything. I don't suggest to crucify your husband or to get a divorce but I think it will be beneficial for you and your family to gain some level of control over your life and therefor be more happy. I really wish you that everything will turnout for the best.

realhousewife · 20/11/2011 20:20

Hi OP - so you have six children aged 14, 12 7, 5, 2 and 10 months. Four of your children are on the autistic spectrum.

How much help are you getting from outside? Do you get any respite, and does your DP help you at all? Do your older DCs help out?

And how many week pregnant are you? Would you consider a termination at all?

Sorry to ask so many questions, it's hard to get a picture of your situation. If DP isn't working he may be very helpful to you - or he may be exactly the opposite.

Original poster

GodKeepsGiving · 20/11/2011 20:38

Katherine - I do have some level of control actually. I didn't abandon my education, what I in fact did was decide that the needs of my children to have me in the home when they are continually anxious. Such a stance is derogatory. My weight is an issue because of my health. I have already thought of the negative aspects of the situation and certainly don't need them pointing out. I need proper support and appropriate behaviour from my husband as a prioirity, not to lose weight and return to University. Thanks for ending your post on a positive note.
Hi realhousewife. I would not have a termination. I am 8 weeks pregnant and I want the baby. DP is not in paid employment but is continually studying and helping out at school. He is at University everyday and constantly talks about how much work he has to do. When he does help, it makes me feel rubbish because of the things he has said in the past. I am considering referring myself to HomeStart tomorrow to see if they could be of any help. We don't get any respite but I know I could have a Carer's Assessment so that's another avenue to try

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realhousewife · 20/11/2011 20:44

My guess is that you will be at the top of Home-start's list - but they do have a waiting list and the help you get is more a befriending type of help. A carer's assessment is an excellent idea.

"when he does help it makes me feel rubbish..."

Please explain this bit OP.

Original poster

GodKeepsGiving · 20/11/2011 20:51

He makes me feel rubbish as he continually goes on about what he's got to do with regards to his work and how exhausted he is. I appreciate that he's tired but does not have his body causing him problems from within. He gets nasty with everyone so I just try to keep going.

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realhousewife · 20/11/2011 21:23

You are left with no choice but to keep going. Godkeepsgiving you children, but godshouldbegiving you help.

If you are not getting help from him he should not be gracing you with his presence. You will be better off without him around. You have two older children who can help out and you need to make space on that sofa for someone who will actually do something to help you.

If he is getting nasty with the children you need to get yourself and your six kids out of the house asap.

Original poster

GodKeepsGiving · 20/11/2011 21:30

at first part of your post.
He doesn't hurt anyone physically, he's just so short-tempered sometimes, but if he gets any worse I may have to get us all out of here. The older two could perhaps do more than they are doing, I will talk to them.
for replying.

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PamBeesly · 20/11/2011 21:54

God I just want to say I did a full time masters degree and held down a full time job to pay for it, its a bit of work but nothing compared to caring for 6 children and 4 with SN. You really need to realise this, he seems very self entitled. Also I don't want to keep bashing him(but find it hard not too) because what you need is support now. I second the poster who said try and get as much help from outside as possible. Also really don't worry about your weight right now, you are pregnant and need to keep your energy up. You sound like a beautiful person with lots of room for love in her heart, and you are obviously big on forgivness, that man doesn't even know what he is in his hands.
I hope the girl with joint problems doesn't do too much, sometimes its important to be a teen too. Take Care will check back in tomorrow and here have some yourself

Original poster

GodKeepsGiving · 20/11/2011 21:56

Thanks Pam

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realhousewife · 20/11/2011 22:09

A short temper can be different things to different people. I can't imagine that children on the AS can cope with a short temper very well. An unpredictable mood at home will be unsettling for any child.

Have you had any support from Autism groups and charities?

Original poster

GodKeepsGiving · 20/11/2011 22:27

Hi real - I didn't think of that, I will have a look at some charities tomorrow. We have review appointments for the children so I could chat to the doctor.
He definitely does need to be calmer, but there always seems to be some reason for it, children, studying, housework etc. He has bought a book about anger management but it needs to be read! He's never violent but can be really difficult, angry and says unkind things. Perhaps some outside help could make all the difference.

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fhdl34 · 20/11/2011 22:28

Sorry KatherineCam but some of your comments are quite ridiculous.

"I don't believe that woman can allow herself to be overweight and dress in knitted sportswear all the time and expect husband not to look anywhere else and wanting to stay at home all the time"

I find it hard to believe you're even a woman with a comment like that.
The OP's "D"H needs to grow up, if he's prepared to have unprotected sex and get his wife pregnant as a result, then he needs to man up and support her however that pregnancy is affecting her. I don't think soft porn is grounds for divorce myself but internet affairs or interactions between another real person, whether it is physical or not is another issue altogether. When you marry you take the vow to stay true to that person, there are no exceptions to that. I am not religious at all but I really believe in marriage vows and I really feel for godkeepsgiving for the situation she is in. She's here for support, not to be told she's not good enough. The problem here is her feckless husband, not her!

Original poster

GodKeepsGiving · 20/11/2011 22:29

(Sorry posted too soon). It might take some of the pressure of us both and give me time to get jobs done during the day - at least then I can rest in the early evening.

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Original poster

GodKeepsGiving · 20/11/2011 22:30

fhdl34 - thank you very much for your support.

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realhousewife · 21/11/2011 00:47

If you're not getting through the day in terms of chores etc, you really should try flylady. In some ways it's not time you need, it's peace. If you have someone unpredictable in your home you won't have any peace, you can't think straight, and nothing gets done.

Original poster

GodKeepsGiving · 21/11/2011 19:20

Another difficult day, but dc's appointments went well. Can't have respite until formal diagnosis, but should get much more help after that. Had no time to refer to HomeStart by phone so have done it online. Should improve things, hopefully.

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PamBeesly · 21/11/2011 19:33

God I was thinking of you today, you know the way you gave your husband £30 the other day. Could you maybe put that £30 aside and get a cleaner in to give you a hand around the house? Also can you do things like shopping for food online? I think your husband should do these things btw but I know your situation is difficult just thinking of practical ways to help out. (If I could come over and clean myself I would but I doubt you live in rural Ireland like me)

Original poster

GodKeepsGiving · 21/11/2011 19:46

Pam that's a really good idea. I really hate going to the supermarket and we could do with real, practical help. As it is, I can't turn my back for a minute to get anything done which is depressing! Thanks for the offer of cleaning but you might be scarred for life! I am in NW England anyway, so it might cost you more to get here

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PamBeesly · 21/11/2011 19:55

I also find that shopping online saves money because you have a 'list' and you can't be distracted by gimmicks. You are in and out so to speak. I'm not sure which supermarkets deliver where you are but I'm sure there are loads. Tesco even delivers to me out here in the sticks. Good luck with it!

Original poster

GodKeepsGiving · 21/11/2011 19:57

Thanks Pam. I know Tesco deliver locally, so I'll try them. I am a bit of a sucker for gimmicks so it's probably best to do it that way.

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realhousewife · 22/11/2011 15:01

You have 4 autistic children and no diagnosis? Why?

fuckityfuckfuckfuck · 22/11/2011 16:15

I'm also surprised they'd see all 4 children on the same day. Why is a diagnosis taking so long?

Original poster

GodKeepsGiving · 22/11/2011 20:27

2 have been given a preliminary diagnosis, but our paediatrician was on long term sick leave until this week. They gave us 2 consecutive appointments. My younger son has had intervention from Portage and it seemed at first he would be ok, until he got to school and his traits became more obvious and pronounced. He has just been referred by the school nurse because of suspected autism. DD3 is 3 years old and my HV is sure she is autistic, she is also being referred. DD2 was badly bullied at primary school and the SENCO based her issues on that. When she was replaced, DD was referred quickly. Hope that clarifies things

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Original poster

GodKeepsGiving · 22/11/2011 20:34

Also, DS1 seemed to be improving so much, albeit intermittently, that for a long time the diagnosis of autism was debated - his social issues are now very pronounced and it is obvious that he is autistic. The MAAT team in our area only hears 4 cases per month and the PCT footprint is large. That's the best I have by way of explanation. I wish I knew more........

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