Judgmental friend. (Ranty)

[MrsPommelhorse]

Apologies in advance, this is a self indulgent rant!

So, I'm probably dwelling on things too much, but I feel like my friend is so judgmental about me now I'm pregnant. Just to set the scene, she's not got any children and she's a really obsessed with running and her diet and is very slim. Pre pregnancy I was a size 10 and middle of the healthy BMI range.

I've had a pretty easy pregnancy so far (fingers crossed) and am now 27 weeks. I started off all keen about keeping up my exercise and kept going to the gym until 20 weeks. But due to pelvic pain I gave up with that and have started doing yoga (a bit) and swimming and gentle walks. I also haven't put on that much weight yet, about 12lbs so far, although I have a sizeable bump.

Whenever I talk to her though she makes comments about me putting on weight and how I shouldn't eat for two. And when we are out she is dismissive of me wanting to walk slower (pelvic pain) and needing to have a rest. She always talks about how when she has a baby she's going to carry on running "just like Paula Radcliffe did". The undertone of what she's saying is that you shouldn't put on weight when you're pregnant and should carry on as normal. (I mentioned that they expect you to put on weight, but she shrugged it off with a comment like "yeah that's right, you tell yourself that")

Oh, and when I say that I can't do certain things because I'm pregnant (like eating certain food, or I mentioned that you should try and sleep on your side and other general day to day things) she always comments that I'm overreacting and they're always coming up with these things and it never used to be like that in the olden times. (Bear in mind she has never had a baby so how would she even know?)

It's just getting on my tits as i think I'm doing fine and not being a pregzilla. And she makes it so obvious that she thinks I'm a big fat lazy pregnant woman who's using pregnancy as an excuse. And I do try not to talk about being pregnant unless she mentions it first or it's relevant!

How do I tackle it? Or do I just ignore it?

She's clueless. Ignore her and stick to yoga for now. Use your breathing exercises and consider avoiding her. You are quite vulnerable right now and the last thing you need is anyone making you feel bad.

Record her and play her back to herself when she is 41 weeks, bloated and puffing like a train just getting out of a chair! Seriously though you just sound to me like someone who wants to have a safe and healthy pregnancy. All the best. By the way they did things differently in the olden days but then they also used to burn witches and infant mortality was sky high!

She doesn't sound much of a friend tbh! A good friend would be supportive not catty and negative.

You shouldn't actually eat for two but your appetite does increase and you do need to up your calorie intake. You also do need to put on weight. Firstly, baby+placenta+water weighs a fair bit. Then, many women, like it or not will retain fluid or extra fat simply because their body tries to hold onto everything regardless of what they do. Your breasts will also grow and become heavier as they fill with milk.

It's perfectly reasonable to watch your diet, make sure your weight gain isn't all cake and do whatever safe exercise your body can cope with. However, in reality it doesn't always work out that way. Many fit and active women find that pregnancy exhausts them beyond belief or that their limbs or pelvis just will not co-operate with the master plan.

I have had 4 children. I was a fit, active size 10 before my first. I put on 3stone+ each time despite being fairly active and watching my diet. However, a combination of breastfeeding and exercise meant that most came off fairly quickly. My youngest is only 6wks and I'm currently wearing size 12. I hope to lose a bit more and tone up again. My hips and boobs will never be what they were but I'm more than happy.

It sounds like you're doing really well so just continue with what your doing and don't allow your neurotic friend to upset or influence you in any way. Good luck with the rest of the pregnancy.

She really sounds like she has some very strange issues! If you ate nothing but doughnuts and sat round like Homer Simpson it would be none of her business. I mean seriously, do you sit there commenting on her weight and exercise habits? You being pregnant isn't some green card to voice her rude opinions.

Avoid her or tell her straight I reckon.

God she sounds a proper treat!

Ignore her....it will be quite a different attitude when she herself is carrying. If she is genuinely getting on your tits, then tell her so.

"When YOU are pregnant, feel free to conduct things as YOU see fit, but in the meanwhile extend me the same courtesy please....you are really beginning to piss me off with your do-it-my-way attitude. You have never been pregnant so cannot possibly hope to tell me how to behave when I am. Thank you."

ignore her, really i would. i have a friend that wants to tell me all about the risks of SID if i dont bf and how i will damage my child if i let it cry for any length of time or dont co sleep or whatever. that would be fine, i suppose if i didnt have 3 already. i tend to nod and smile and make a joke some people think they know everything about everything.you know your body best common sense will dictate to you what is right for you so let her get on with it and when she does get prego you can smile a secret smile when she has to stop certain things or whatever.

Tell her to get lost. She's probably jealous.

She sounds a nightmare! And you sound very patient! Print this thread out and leave it somewhere she will see it. :)

Or just laugh at her. Make it a running joke what a superwoman she's going to be when she's pregnant. She won't put on an ounce, or even have a bump. She won't need maternity clothes so you won't bother saving any for her. She'll be the only woman to LOSE weight. The midwives will measure her and it will be the same measurement every week ha ha. (Does she realise that expanding girth is actually something the medical professionals CARE about?) She'll ignore all the research and eat all the 'wrong' foods and people will criticise her in public for eating soft cheese ha ha, how you'll laugh...

Until she starts to feel pissed off and paranoid. Which is how she is making YOU feel.

She is talking out of her arse.

Of course you need to put on weight. A normal weight woman is supposed to gain 25 pounds. Most of that is not fat anyway. And you have my sympathy with the pelvic pain, it sucks. Of course you need to stick to gentle exercise!

You will get the last laugh when she finally decided to get pregnant. She will get her comeuppance. She will end up feeling queasy on the couch and finding that only cheese sandwiches and crisps make her feel better. Then she will put on three stone and, of course, no antenatal marathons will be taking place.

Absolutely kitandkat.

Or practice this saying.

Hmm I reckon she is jealous.

Dsis' friend was exactly like this, until she herself fell pregnant.

MrsPommelHorse, you sound like the healthy one here. I would ditch her as a running partner and stick to meeting for (decaff) coffees.

And look forward to the day when she's pregnant with SPD, carrying an extra 3st and heaving her guts up. Make sure you remember to leave out a nice plate of runny brie and pate :)

she sounds a nightmare, isn't it funny how much friends advice/comments are really about their own issues sometimes?

You sound like you're taking a really sensible approach to your pg and keep doing what you're doing. I've not had anything quite so bad from friends, but I have had a few comments like 'you're pregnant not ill or disabled' (referencing me walking really slow). Sometimes it's upset me as I wondered whether I'm making a big deal about being pg or if I'm being a wimp, however given I've had a few m/c and this baby is very much longed for, I feel that it's helped me block out lots of 'silly comments' cos I just think 'you've got no idea and I don't care what you think, but I'm not doing anything other than what I feel is the best for me and the baby, FU!'

Until being heavily pg, I had no idea the pelvic pain that pg women could experience and I suppose I judgementally thought they were just slow cos they were heavy and a maybe a bit lazy, but how wrong I was! Even though I might have thought that, I would have never voiced my opinions on anyone else - you never can know how you'll feel until you've been through something can you?

I'd probably reduce contact tbh, and/or tackle it in a slightly sarcastic way and say something like 'oh, it's great that you're going to manage exercising and not to put weight on during pregnancy, I must just be a wimp or something, but hey-ho, each to their own!'

Well, I feel better now. She makes me paranoid that I am being lazy and greedy. I don't think she has an eating disorder, but I think she has an unhealthy relationship with food and is quite obsessed with what other people are eating and other people's sizes. (She guessed another friend's size as a 16 when they actually wear a 10, which leads me to believe that she thinks I am a similar size and sees healthy sized people as overweight.)

I will just let it wash over me as she can be very direct and likes to direct "banter" at other people. She doesn't like it when it comes back to her though. I have no idea if she wants a baby or not, so I couldn't say if she is jealous. I think not. I think she just is quite thoughtless and a bit of a know it all.

She has lots of other lovely qualities though. This is just one side that seem to come out more now I am pregnant and she seems to want to highlight that she is fit and slim...and I am not. Yep, she definitely has ishoos.

I like the idea of leaving the runny brie and pate out when she's pregnant. Ooh, and I think I'll be opening a nice bottle of Rioja when she pops round. See how she feels when she's growing a little life and how many risks she's prepared to take then.

Sadly you might find that she is not the right friend to have for a while. Not just pregnancy but also with the baby (you'll have to wait and see). Some people just aren't good friends when you become a parent, even if you avoid all the baby talk they just make things difficult. Then their life catches up with yours and they realise they've been a bit unreasonable. I'm just warning you; she might of course be fabulous but she might also have lots of 'helpful' advice about feeding your baby.

Keep her at arms length and don't listen to her rather nasty traits. Alternatively, you could pull her up on it and say that you think she has an unhealthy interest in both your weight and pregnancy advice and where do her issues stem from because they are not particularly normal.

I would be equally as patronising back and say "you'll understand one day, that is if you ever have children" (pat her on the leg too, to be super patronising) and finish that off silently in your head with "you patronising bitch!"

She sounds like a gym bore and no good for you right now to be honest! I've known plenty similar in the past and people that as soon as my life changed and I had children had very little in common with anymore! I've had a bit of a gym obsession in the past and also an eating disorder (though not for many years!) She also sounds obsessed and clueless when it comes to being pregnant! You sound to me as though you're very sensible and doing things right in the interest of the health of you and your baby. I'd give her a wide birth and if she's a true friend she'll be less ridiculous and more supportive in the future! :)

I love the idea to record her and play it back to her when it is her turn.

Ignore her she is being an arse. I put on +4st with my first, and 10 months after the birth weighed a stone less than pre pg. Don't worry about it :) The second I put on less weight but it's down to how I carried not what I ate.

She sounds like a cow.

I wouldn't hang around with someone who spoke to me like that.

Sounds like she has some "issues". Try not to let her problems become yours. You sound like you are being very healthy and sensible.

She sounds a nightmare and tbh perhaps a little jelous. So what you are not a size ten she doesn't have an amazing little person growing inside you. i had thae same response from people who asked "how I would cope no longer being a size 8" my response "I a growing a very small human here and they come first and besides it means I can go shopping again"

Yoga is great during pregnancy as is gentle swimming.

She sounds like she has food and weight issues. She also sounds like a childish muppet.
I think the other posters' advice on how to tactfully deal with her are great, but for me the words, piss off you tactless bint would be coming out of my mouth.
Just so you know, I was a size 8 before I got pg, put on 4 stone, and had a 50inch waist measurement the day before I gave birth at 40+11. DD is 11 weeks old, I'm back to my pre-pg weight and was in my Levi's when she was 6 weeks. Breastfeeding is amazing liposuction :)

Let her judge all she likes, it'll bite her on the arse one day. I am usually a size 10 but have put on 3 stone in all pregnancies, swore this one would be diffrreents, still went spinning at 20 weeks and yet here i am at the exact same size as i have been with the others, probably to do with the fact i can't walk i shuffle.

The friend with baby/friend without can be difficult to maintain.