Help help help - just need to know - has any one else felt really depressed or negative at the start of a pregnancy? I'm terrified I've made a terrible mistake - but thought I knew that this was what I/we really wanted.
I'm 42 (ancient I know - some days I feel 32 and on top of everything - other days 102 and just not keeping abreast of anything). I have two fantastic children - 4,2 ds- exhausting but a darling and still prone to occasional but ghastly tantrums, dd mostly very "easy" and together they really love love and care for each other (most of the time!). I'd always thought that I'd wanted more than 2 children - that is if I had any at all - I came from a small claustrophobic family and always imagined increasing the clan would enforce me to let go a bit and let chaos reign...Time is running out fast and in the summer I finally felt I could just about manage a try. Dp thought it madness - but not quite enough to put his foot down!! I suppose I half thought it wouldn't happen - as we weren't trying that hard (!!) - lack of sleep and energy - but each month I was half disappointed/half relieved when my period came. I was thinking this would be the last month before admitting I was too old to even think about it any more and to be happy with my lovely 2 children..... when bingo! Still very early days...but I've spent the last 10 days in a tail spin of panic...we're too old (dp 4 yrs older), too little energy, won't cope - life stills boarders on the chaotic - will it continue to do so or will another push me over the edge...will I be too tired/stressed to enjoy anyone - my head says this is madness....and I'm losing sight of why it seemed a good idea at the time..work (part-time but long hours)/home balance will be much harder...what will it do to ds+dd - will their great little relationship be upset..(2 yrs between them - just under 3 to the next - if all goes well...how will I ever get out of the house with 3 ...hard enough with 2 sometimes....hardly have time or energy to talk to dp now- will our realationship survive....I've at last - today - told dp - he's in deep shock but vaguely happy underneath...so I am now feeling an awful lot better. Has anyone out there felt like this - and got over it/regretted proceeding etc - what ever the number. Last week I was really thinking that maybe I should think about a termination - but I don't think I could - would I regret it for ever more? Feel really stupid that at my age - I can't work out exactly what I want...almost feel that 2 is too neat and contained - what everyone expects (my mother has already said she'll disown me if I contemplate another - strong woman!!) but - now the reality of 3 is hitting home it feels like a vast number!!! Getting through the first couple of years (not nappies and purees again!) is one thing but think how old we're going to be when they're teenagers...
I've been an addicted reader for ages and found everyone's help and support so fantastic - and such a wealth of knowledge - but now I'm the one wanting answers!!!All thoughts please - negative as well - I'm sure nothing will change my mind but it's better to be forewarned!! Was desperate to write this last week when I was feeling so so confused - but never ever had time to write anything! So any advice /similar experiences please .