pregnancy panic

[Maras]

Help help help - just need to know - has any one else felt really depressed or negative at the start of a pregnancy? I'm terrified I've made a terrible mistake - but thought I knew that this was what I/we really wanted.
I'm 42 (ancient I know - some days I feel 32 and on top of everything - other days 102 and just not keeping abreast of anything). I have two fantastic children - 4,2 ds- exhausting but a darling and still prone to occasional but ghastly tantrums, dd mostly very "easy" and together they really love love and care for each other (most of the time!). I'd always thought that I'd wanted more than 2 children - that is if I had any at all - I came from a small claustrophobic family and always imagined increasing the clan would enforce me to let go a bit and let chaos reign...Time is running out fast and in the summer I finally felt I could just about manage a try. Dp thought it madness - but not quite enough to put his foot down!! I suppose I half thought it wouldn't happen - as we weren't trying that hard (!!) - lack of sleep and energy - but each month I was half disappointed/half relieved when my period came. I was thinking this would be the last month before admitting I was too old to even think about it any more and to be happy with my lovely 2 children..... when bingo! Still very early days...but I've spent the last 10 days in a tail spin of panic...we're too old (dp 4 yrs older), too little energy, won't cope - life stills boarders on the chaotic - will it continue to do so or will another push me over the edge...will I be too tired/stressed to enjoy anyone - my head says this is madness....and I'm losing sight of why it seemed a good idea at the time..work (part-time but long hours)/home balance will be much harder...what will it do to ds+dd - will their great little relationship be upset..(2 yrs between them - just under 3 to the next - if all goes well...how will I ever get out of the house with 3 ...hard enough with 2 sometimes....hardly have time or energy to talk to dp now- will our realationship survive....I've at last - today - told dp - he's in deep shock but vaguely happy underneath...so I am now feeling an awful lot better. Has anyone out there felt like this - and got over it/regretted proceeding etc - what ever the number. Last week I was really thinking that maybe I should think about a termination - but I don't think I could - would I regret it for ever more? Feel really stupid that at my age - I can't work out exactly what I want...almost feel that 2 is too neat and contained - what everyone expects (my mother has already said she'll disown me if I contemplate another - strong woman!!) but - now the reality of 3 is hitting home it feels like a vast number!!! Getting through the first couple of years (not nappies and purees again!) is one thing but think how old we're going to be when they're teenagers...
I've been an addicted reader for ages and found everyone's help and support so fantastic - and such a wealth of knowledge - but now I'm the one wanting answers!!!All thoughts please - negative as well - I'm sure nothing will change my mind but it's better to be forewarned!! Was desperate to write this last week when I was feeling so so confused - but never ever had time to write anything! So any advice /similar experiences please .

Yes yes and yes! You can congratulate yourself that you are in fact perfectly normal!! I bet everyone else will say the same, that they had the same thoughts and worries too. I told my doctor after number 2 child that I would die if I got pregnant again and he said 'no you wont, you'll just pick yourself up and carry on'. My 2 kids think it would be wonderful if I had another baby and I think to myself when is the damn menapause going to come and get me - God! I'll be 45 next birthday and still no sign that i can sell my tampax shares!! I'd say don't worry, but I mean - not unnecessarily - let your husband take some of the strain, and I think it will pay dividends that you've told him your hopes and fears - sometimes they think you're forging ahead from a position of certainty when inside there's a little child sobbing in the dark! Have you still got time for a termination? My advice, for what its worth (still wearing flame proof pants!) is to make the decision and then stick to it like sh*t to a blanket!!

Maras - I understand exactly what you are going through and how you are feeling. My 3rd is now 17 mths and is a little darling, a real character, I couldn't imagine life without him. When I was pregnant with him though, I had all the doubts and worries that you are now having. I'm not going to lie to you, the birth was the worst of the 3 (apparently the 3rd is quite often the worst, so lots of midwives have since told me) and his first year was really hard work - what with night time feeds and then getting up early with the other 2. But now he's older it is much easier and I love watching the three of them together (the other 2 adore him by the way). People can be very negative sometimes about you having more than 2 children, especially if you have one of each sex - don't let this worry you - there are lots more people out there who will be really supportive. No, it's not easy, Maras, but I'm so glad I did it. Infact, now no.3 is getting older I do think about no.4 sometimes, but I think that dh would be straight off to the vasectomy clinic first (he loves having 3 though!) Congratulations to you anyway, I'm sure when the news has sunk in you will both feel a lot better.

Sorry Maras, I meant whatever you decide, stick to it and don't think about what might have been. (didn't want you to think I was advocating termination as the only answer!)

I've not been in precisely this situation but I did have a pregnancy "scare" about 6 months ago. And I couldn't believe how horrified I was at the thought of being pregnant at that particular moment in time. I hadn't been trying to get pregnant but my partner and I had had vague discussions about how nice it would be to add a third to the family at some point. It was only when I thought I was pregnant that I felt utterly and absolutely certain that I had quite enough kids for the time being and that it just didn't make sense to have another at that point- in terms of coping with 3 under 3, finances, housing, our career options (mine at 27 were non-existent- still are really but I'm working on it- and the thought of them staying so because of having to nurture no3 through to nursery age was one of my main sources of woe!). I was really upset and felt terribly guilty that I didn't feel even a speck of happiness at the thought- the reality, as I believed at the time- of another child. It was a complete contrast to my feelings when I fell pregnant for the first time when, after normal joyous yet ambivalent feelings followed by an early threatened miscarriage and the discovery of a twin pregnancy, I'd felt fantastic and euphoric at my good luck. To make matters worse one of my friends was trying for her 2nd using IVF and the irony of the fact that I was potentially carrying an unplanned third while she was unable to conceive wasn't lost on either of us. Luckily, luckily, luckily it was a false alarm!
So Maras, I have every sympathy for your initial reaction and am very glad you're starting to feel better about no3! I don't think you should worry about your age- 42 is a spring chicken really. You'll only be in your 60s when no3 is grown up and most of the 60yr olds I know at the moment are in great form. Best of luck.

Maras, I've not personally been in that situation (only got one so far) but my Gran had her third child (my Mum) when she was the same age as you, back in 1946 - bit of a shock to say the least. I can't imagine trying to bring up 3 small kids post-wartime, with rationing, etc. and all the washing!, I would have jacked it all in I'm sure. But I know she never regretted one minute of being an older Mum and she is still going strong at the ripe old age of 97 and her daughter (my Mum) is definitely the most happiest of the three. I know I don't want my son to be an only child but the thought of going through it all over again fills me with dread, I have to admit, so I'm sure your feelings are absolutely normal and I hope you get tons of support from your family whatever your decision.

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no, you're definitely not alone! Some degree of ambivalence seems almost inevitable. I had always thought that I wanted only one child. However the instant my son was distressingly stillborn, in the midst of my grief I knew instantly that I wanted at least two or perhaps three more. Such joy to then become pregnant with twins. When they were babies I was sure that I wanted one ( maybe two!) more, but as they got older and jobs, finances etc delayed us making that decision, the feeling receded. Also the likelihood of it being another set of twins, or (horrors!) triplets, made me more cautious. Now they are 4, and we are beyond the baby stage I'm starting to think it unlikely we'll have anymore. Dh, who was v. keen to have another now feels that we are such a comfortable secure little family that maybe another would disrupt that. I don't feel that, but still I'm not at the stage of agreeing he should go for the snip. Hell, I'm only 41 (only!) ...loads more time! Sorry, this doesn't help you at all, just an illustration of my own ambivalence.

Maras - I had an unplanned pregnancy, my first. Dh and I had never discussed kids, but he knew that I didn't want them. I felt I was too young still at 28, we'd only been married 3 months, I had just gotten my degree and as far as I saw it, we had our whole lives stretched out in front of us, kids did not fit into that equation.

But I became pregnant after an accident and wrestled with issues of termination/adoption/keeping the baby. In the end I decided to give it my best shot. But that didn't stop me from sinking into a deep depression about it all, so much so that I ended up in casualty when I was 7/8 months pregnant after trying to hurt myself. This sounds very gloomy, but I did eventually get the help I needed from my GP and others and I have not looked back since. I have a beautiful daughter and never regret a moment spent with her.

The warning I would give about terminations is that many women do regret having them, but I have not heard anyone say that they regret having their baby. So please think about it.

I have set up a website for unplanned pregnancies at www.unplannedpregnancies.freeservers.com. (Sorry, I can't do links yet!) It gives advice and information on all your choices as well as how to deal with depression. If you want to email me at all, please do so and we can chat more, my email is [email protected].

Don't be so hard on yourself, a lot more women experience this than you would think, even with planned pregnancies. Good luck.

Don't worry you're not alone! I am a 30 year old mother with three under fives, when I got pregnant again I was really shocked and did'nt want to have the baby at all. I gradually came around with the support of my wonderful mother in law, I realised that there was light at the end of the tunnel as cliched as that may sound! Three is a lot but once you're into a routine it does'nt seem so bad, it is hard work though. I send my eldest off to playgroup three mornings a week which helps a hell of a lot. Perhaps you could do something similar? it does help, then I can go out with my two youngest, not very far and not for long. A breath of fresh air and a change of scenery does wonders! I love my children dearly and even though it all gets on top of me very frequently I would'nt be without them for the world. hope this has helped.

Yes - even with our first child which was very much planned and wanted I still felt depressed at the beginning. The hormones do awful things to you. Don't worry you've got 7/8 months to get used to the idea - you don't have to solve all the problems/challenges at once. And if you are healthy don't worry about your age. Good luck.

Sounds completely normal to me. I was depressed and panicky with no.1, but that was understandable because he was an unplanned pregnancy and I'd never intended to have kids! No. 2 was totally planned, even down to conception happening just exactly when we wanted it, so I was completely floored when, instead of being delighted, I became panicky and depressed again. I even worried about whether I could love this one as much as the first, and of course I do, I wouldn't be without her. So congratulations and don't worry, you'll cope somehow!

Thank you all so much for your support - it's so good just to hear other people's experiences and your support is fantastic. How do you all have the time to write?! I've been an avid reader of everything for a while - but only get time when I'm at work! (shh!).
Jodee - loved hearing about your grandmother...and to think that I was assuming that I'd probably never be around to see any grandchildren!! I am slowly feeling less panicked - but the emotional swings are so weird -sometimes I feel the slow enevitability of it all and that it will all fall into place as time progresses, then I think no - this is crazy - then this afternoon I had an appointment with a GP - just to talk about options - she did a test (I hadn't - I was sure enough!) and it took a while to show positive - and I then thought -oh no - it must be the menopause then!! - and then I felt really happy when it was confirmed. I then saw what she'd written on the screen - ....pregnant - not certain whether to preceed... and I felt - no no no - that's not right - this IS what I want!
I think as well, ds has always been a poor sleeper and after a couple of months of them both sleeping through more nights than not - I've (dp hardly ever hears anything at night - then complains of tireness - biggest bone of contention...) again hit a rough patch with both waking once if not twice - that combined with my working late nights - usually to midnight twice a week - and I suppose the tiredness of early pregnancy - I feel I'm back in that blurry post natal tunnel already! Also concerned about relationship with dp - whilst fundamentally ok - we have had a rocky few months - getting into a vicious circle of neither of us having any sympathy with the other's exhaustion - I certainly can't understand why he's tired - maybe just getting old and crabby - and certainly doesn't do as much around the house as he used to...I could rant on...and on...so the quality of our time together - little as it is already sinks into constant grousing and niggling comments. We have to get over this.
Anyway - more tomorrow - from work if I can...there goes another early night!!

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Maras, felt very similar to you after conceiving our third having gone through at least a year long discussion process with my dh about whether we should or shouldn't. We then conceived immediately (much to dh's regret at being done out of the fun of trying) and I felt awful (physically and emotionally) for the first few months. I don't know what's changed but I've felt better every month (am now 22 weeks), and even dh is leaping about in excitement now. Contrary to expectations, everyone we've told has been really positive (has your Mum has changed her opinion when faced with the actual situation?), even ds (aged 4). His second question, after asking whether it was really true, was whether he would still be the oldest... (dd aged 2 can't quite grasp it). You just have to keep remembering why you did it in the first place and embrace the chaos of life!

DS was a very wanted and planned baby but I went through the panic stage and 'oh my god what have I done' but it didnt last. We are now trying for number 2 and the feelings are worse, Im scared stiff of the pregnancy as the last was so good, the labour, as that wasnt too bad either (if you can say that) and not loving the next the same. But in a way I think it is good to have these feelings as it means you care, I think I would be more worried if I didnt worry (hope that makes sense). Good Luck.

Feeling happier by the day! Just the mere hurdle of my mother to get round now...but I'll be leaving that a while yet. (Although she did guess I was pregnant with no 2 even before I knew! I'll just have to avoid her for a bit!
Robinw - I'm going to try your bed tip as it could well be that. What drives me crazy is on the rare occasions the children sleep through - I inevitably get woken by occasional loud snores from dp! I've even got used to sleeping with ear plugs everynight now - Cuts down the disturbance from dp but amazingly I'm still aware of either children stiring - selective hearing or mother's instinct I don't know - but I'm always awake even before a little foot touches the ground or a wimper starts! A few years ago at my insistance dp went via GP to a hospital sleep clinic to be monitored - but - just my luck - that was one of the nights when he didn't snore!! Enforcing the impression that I'm the one making a fuss. It's usually worse after a drink or a heavy meal and if he turns onto his back. Have thought of getting one of the weird mouth gadgets available but i'm sure they're pretty unpleasant...and there's never time to research/get hold of one! If there's a straightforward solution I'll try it. Anyway this is a whole new discussion - does dp snore and how do you deal with it?!

Maras, I am pregnant with no. 3, my dp snores, I wear earplugs, we have a rocky relationship with neither of us thinking the other pulls their weight....How do I deal with all this?
Very badly.......!

I tried most things Maras - ear plugs were best(not as sensitive as you but I'd still wake if it got to the distressed stage). Unfortunately even the best of them (Boots) fall out sometimes. There's a Holland and Barrett herbal spray that's expensive but that worked on occasions - or maybe it was just waking him up to use it! Didn't help all the time. Then there are the nose clips (pretty helpful but uncomfortable so he won't wear them). Wouldn't ask him to have the laser surgery because it seems too risky, can't afford the continuos airway mask. However while it took a few days to get used to it he now likes the wood under the bed. Only costs a couple of pounds so it is worth a trial.

Robin - will let you know if the wood trick works...yes we've also tried the spray, which maybe helped a bit but not dramatically, and some funny nasal sticky strips that are supposed to hold the nostrils open...don't think that worked either - I've also read that you can get a dentist to make some kind of mouth plate that keeps the soft palate from doing what it does when you snore - but think that's expensive and not pleasant either - but then neither is being woken by ds, dd and dp every night!! Keep planning a night away somewhere with a girlfriend just for one undisturbed night's sleep - not much to ask for after 4 years - must get round to it soon - sadly will no longer be able to down a few bottles of wine...mind you, now days I tend to fall asleep after the first glass anyway!
Anyway - if something as simple as a couple of blocks of wood does the job - a cheque for a million pounds is yours!!

Dear Vbleau - sounds like I've met my double!!What age gaps do you have? When did things start to go down hill with dp??
When I first met dp about 10 years ago (recently divorced - no children)- and for our pre-child years - he was the most domesticated and caring person you could imagine - loves to cook, (his forte - dreams of running a restaurant), neat, tidy house, did own ironing, loads of diy etc. Was never the most dynamic of folks and I suppose I used to do all the fixing for travel, going out etc - but I enjoy that anyway. After ds - he was still very good around the home and supportive in all ways. After dd however things started to slip - with me taking on the bulk of the childcare, shopping and organising everything, all night shifts with the children (and working)- if anything is ever to get done I have to arrange it - from calling a plumber and paying the bills to booking a holiday. He's very happy to go along with whatever I suggest but I get so fed up with shouldering the responsibility of everything. Even had to the book a restaurant for my own birthday! I dream of hearing him say - I've arranged a baby sitter and tonight we're going to see a film - or anything! Instead of the usual abstract requests for "us" to do something ie me to arrange it all. I've told him this a thousand times and still no results. My latest plea is that ONCE a week at the weekend - he will think of ONE meal for us all (the bit that gets SO boring) and cook it...but still I'm having to remind him (he says nag him) every week. I think I've made the mistake of trying to do everything myself in the past and he's gone into opt out mode and is quite comfortable there thankyou.
Also everyone thinks he's such a kind and generous person and will do anything to help anyone. (I think he's just got very lazy!). He was like that with me as well in the early years but now I feel he's still the same with everyone else - just not me - familiarity breeds contempt and all that. Some days we hardly bother to communicate at all, and I get a lot of the support I need from my girl friends. Often think it's so much more fun to meet up with a girl friend for an evening than to go out together. We also get v. impatient with each other - he likes the house to be clean and tidy -we have a cleaner once a week - but i'm not that bothered by a bit of mess and he will spend time tidying and cleaning bits of it (and then request the medal) -he has even come in from work and complained about a rice crispie on the kitchen floor (you think I'm joking!!- I thought he was when he said it!!!), doesn't comprehend my exhaustion - I'm not young - work till one am usually once or twice a week, up to the kids at least once most nights, just have child care on the days I work etc...
Oh dear - no wonder I'm worried about no 3 and what it will do to us!!
If I can get round to arranging it I'm going to try a session or two with relate - anyone tried it?? - as I'm sure we just need to get our minds back in tune. It's so easy to get trapped into seeing everything someone does in a negative light. Just need to break out of that. As I'm writing this I know there are lots of good things about us and dp - and he is a great dad - is just so easy to forget sometimes!! Really don't think we have terminal problems - just need to talk through our grievances and feel that the other one is actually taking things on board - I would say that goes for both of us.
God this is turning into a "psychiatrist's chair" rant!!
My resolution - apart from the councelling if I ever get round to it - I have mentionned it to him and he didn't say no - is to take the advice off another queue here - "fathers and sons??/children??" and to try to get out occassionally at the weekend on my own - shopping or something - just for an hour or two - when he can have the children and also to do the same for him, so that we both have a bit of clear space now and again.
My main concern is that our lack of effective communication will have a negative effect on the children. I really would like them - and ds especially - to see their df talking a bit more!!
Phew - it's good to get that off my chest!
That's my story - what about you Vbleau???

Maras - I just read your last comment and wrote back a really long reply but then disaster the computer started disconnecting me and I lost it! Not being very computer literate, I couldn't get it back and couldn't ask dh to do it as I'd been writing about him and don't think he would have appreciated my comments. Anyway to summarise what I wrote. I really know where you are coming from and if it makes you feel any better lots of my friends do too. I think that it is very common after the birth of a baby for a reasonably happy couple to be at loggerheads. There is probably some psychological reasoning behind this, I don't know, but all I can talk about are my own experiences. There have been times when things have been really bad between us and I've seriously doubted whether they would improve. On the whole though, they have. I think that there are a few reasons for this:- we are less tired and irritable now the chidren are getting older (youngest now almost 18 mths), I've come to terms with the fact that whatever I do I can't change him and also I've accepted that I will be the one who shoulders the responsability of the children and that is just the way it will be. I'm probably doing him an injustice here as he is basically a good bloke who loves his kids and works hard for us and of course I'm far from perfect myself. But I do know what you mean when you say that it would be nice for him to take charge sometimes. I feel like I am permanently 'on duty' and this is very draining so it's not hard to see how the relationship can suffer. There have been times when I have turned to my sister in times of trouble instead of dh and that is not how it should be. I wonder sometimes if he just has real problems coming to terms with all his responsabilities nowadays, but of course he is not the sort to talk about his problems which doesn't help matters. My new philosphy on life is to take each day as it comes, keep positive and not set myself impossibly high targets. You sound like you've got good, supportive friends and this is the time that you really need them.

Maras, there are lots of similarities with your situation except it does sound like your relationship started out better tan ours did! Looking back I think ours was never that great from the start. I got divorced about 7 years ago after 7 years of an initially very happy marriage and was pretty devestated, but not in a hurry to find anyone new (ever!) I had no kids at this point. Met up with current dp who has never been married. He is the brother of a very god friend, I had known him for years and gradually got to know him better. No flashing lights, thunderbolts or anything, just the realisation he was (is) a very "good" man and in a strange way the lack of heart flutterings seemed a plus point. We have been together about 4 years now, I got pregnant quite soon after we got together and our son is two and a half. Our daughter is one next week. New baby is due just before son's third birthday and I am really glad about the baby but have huge misgivings about the relationship. Here our circumstances vary from yours. He has been full time dad from the start, for the simple reason he dis not have a half decent job and cold certainly not support the family. On the other hand I did have a very good job so went straight back to work, even though I did not want to. I realise most women who return to work fall into this category and many of them seemed to think I was really lucky having a partner who looked after the kids full time. I did not see i this way! I felt sort of cheated out of motherhood! I had gone to university, got a good qualification and subsequently a good job, then met a man who had not worked too hard at any point in his life and now he was lloking after my/our children while I slogged away at a job I hated! I should add my job pays well so he had plenty of money to spend , I owned the house etc.My sister jokes he does the same job as she does but with much better pay and conditions, so what is he moaning about?! BUT he was/ is always moaning about how difficult his lot is, how he has few social contacts ( he does not try to make any, I have tried to put him in touch with a male client of mine in the same situation who lives nearby, but he did not take up the offer). So you see we have a true role reversal - he feels worn down and trapped just like amny mums do and I feel overworked and that I am missing out on my kids just like many dads do! I think this has worn us both down to a kind of simmering tolerance of each other, with very little love apparent. Like you I feel I am probably largely to blame. being a more forceful personality I probably was happy to do all the arranging of everything and now he is only too happy to laze about( as I see it!) while I organise everything.
Whew!! That's enough of my moans and groans for now.I often tell myself to stop looking at the bad things and count my blessings. It just sems to me that a loveless relationship is a lot to bear.

I really must recommend Relate to you all! Seriously, if your dh's don't want to go, you can go by yourselves. Just letting off steam to a third party can do wonders. And they will go themselves eventually, curiosity about who you have been talking to will get the better of them. Sometimes it takes a third party to spell out to them what is going wrong with the relationship.

Whatever you do, don't stop talking. A brilliant thing was once suggested to me and since then I've suggested it to countless friends too, is to let your dh talk for one minute, without interruption. Then he finishes and you summarise what he has just said to you, to prove you have been listening and not misunderstood him. Then you get your minute and he has to repeat what you have said too. This way you each get to say how you feel, the other person has to listen, and it does not turn into an argument.

Writing a letter to him is also useful as he can re-read it and dwell on it.

Good luck to you all.

Thanks for the input.
I have been to relate ( on my own) but unfortunately found the experience worse than useless, but do accept others find it very helpful so it must be worth a try. My dislike of it was due to the fact the counsellor seemed to want to get me to talk and did not give any input AT ALL( presumeably her input was just to listen). This may benefit some people who do not have anyone to talk to. It seems they have a policy of not giving advice or even an opinion . I have found this in other forms of counselling and it is frustrating.

That's a blow - I was hoping they'd be able to provide a bit of constructive input to nudge us back on the right tracks.
Vbleau - no we started in a similar way to you too! I had always fallen big time for very exciting but usually non-viable relationships. When I met dp I had been on my own for a while, but really enjoying my life, friends, travelling and career and I was pretty reluctant to get involved with any one - especially as it wasn't all fireworks and earthquakes etc. However - he was/is basically a good, "solid" dependable person and this seemed a good starting point for something long term(if rather a novelty for me)but I do remember thinking for months into the relationship - whether it was "enough" to really like someone rather than being completely over the moon. Any way things evolved slowly and we stuck together and had a good time. The children didn't come for about 6 years - I was the reluctant one - I felt my life was full and complete without any (and if I'm totally honest I had vague doubts about the quality of our relationship) and dp had to work hard to pursuade me. Thank goodness - because my only regret is not having started earlier - they have enriched my life a thousand fold!
Now I'm not so sure it was such a great starting point. I know we're tired and stressed and that eventually things should improve on that front as the children get older - although we're obviously in for another nose dive if this pregnancy goes well, and I know several friends who feel in a similar rut - but sometimes life with dp seems so drab - as if we weigh each other down rather than create a bit of a spark or cheer or even fun for each other - my wonderful children and supportive friends do all that for me!
I'm sure neither of us would ever contemplate walking out - but there must be a way of improving the quality of our relationship. (Although sometimes I do think I'd be happier on my own with the children but I know they certainly wouldn't be). God I'm going to feel so guilty about writing all this - but its great just to put it all down - however incoherantly!! I sometimes feel we live parallel existences and both take each other so much for granted - and I know I'm certainly at fault as well - I can sometimes hear myself turning into my mother - nag nag nag...terrible!
Lisav - your listening tip seems a good one and very appropriate for us - I'm guilty of not listening attentively enough and dp frequently misunderstands me!! Will try it!
That's enough for now - another early night down the pan. Now I've at last got posting - it seems I can't stop!!
Good luck to us all - what ever I read on this site I am constantly amazed at what an incredible bunch we are!
I'm so grateful for the replies I got to my original "panic" posting - I was in such a state and every word helped so much...
Jodee - I keep thinking about your wonderful grandmother - I want to meet her!!! (mine died earlier this year and I miss her a lot).