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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

A fourth child at 45? Is it sensible?

29 replies

Fredddo · 05/11/2011 13:16

Hello everyone - I am new...and in turmoil! I will be 45 in a few months. I have 3 gorgeous and healthy children: DS 12, DD 10 and DD 6. I also had 3 miscarriages, the last one when I was forty, after I had my youngest DS. After that we decided not to try again but I have grown more and more desperate in the last few years. As I am turning 45, it feels like "last chance saloon"! My husband is not totally opposed to the idea but thinks it is not sensible. My friends and family think I am mad and that I should be content with my 3 children (which I am, in a way...). Our financial situation is not great at the moment as we are both self employed. So all in all, not sensible indeed... And yet I am desperate... Any thoughts, experiences, suggestions anyone may want to share would be welcome!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

kerrymumbles · 05/11/2011 13:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EssentialFattyAcid · 05/11/2011 13:31

In reality the odds are that it's probably already too late for you, sad to say. The celebs having babies in their 40s are usually donor egg babies.

Northernlurker · 05/11/2011 13:34

I'm not your age but in all honesty I think you've missed the boat on this one. The chances of conceiving and carrying are not brilliant at your age. The risks to you and your baby would be raised and you need to think about the children you have. Whatever you do will impact on them. Even if you conceive quickly you will 65 when this child turns 18. You will spend your firfties - when you could be exploring the world with your older dcs - raising a still young child. You can't afford it either.

Your problem is not whether to have another dc, it's how to come to terms with the fact that your family is complete. I don't know of any magic fix for that. I was very lucky in that dd3's arrival appeared to switch off my baby urge I guess it's just about revelling in the dcs you have and making a conscious decision not to pine after dreams.

hairylights · 05/11/2011 13:53

It may be a hard road to get pregnant again and carry to term but it is not beyond the realms of possibility.

Only you can weigh up wether the risks will outweigh the potential benefits.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

coccyx · 05/11/2011 13:57

My friend had twins at 47, no ivf, completely natural and a complete surprise. Always possible

MrBloomsNursery · 05/11/2011 14:11

I think a baby is a blessing no matter what. If you feel you could go through with a pregnancy (and being realistic here, possibly another miscarriage) without jeopardising your health and well being and without effecting your family life, then go for it.

startail · 05/11/2011 14:15

Not sensible, but hay who says we have to be sensible
Just be aware that four children do not fit in any normal sensibly priced car, it seems daft, but my DF found this more irritating than anything else.

twogirls1more · 05/11/2011 16:37

I think it's a bit of an assumption to say that you WILL find it almost impossible without outside assistance! Yes, it's a well known fact that usually your fertility decreases loads as you progress thru your 40's and of course the risks increase but I wouldn't say it has to be impossible naturally at 45.
I'm currently 38wks with no.4 and though not quite into my 40's, (am 39) I actually seem to have become more fertile the older, rounder and out of condition I've got! I was 26 while preg with my first and a size 10 at the start. This time I was a 16 at the start with a bmi of about 28, nearly 40 and enjoy a few glasses of wine here and there.. (So kind of go against all the rules for increased fertility as fell preg first mth as I did with my 3rd 2.5yrs ago!!)
I say it's totally up to you and your DH! Starting again at 45 may be a bit of a shock to the system and you'll prob find the pregnancy more exhausting. (I know I did after a 10yr gap between babies 2 and 3!) Plus you need to be prepared for poss miscarriage again or pregnancy complications and worries. If on balance you weigh everything up and decide that it won't put you under too much financial pressure, (cos that wouldn't be much fun and alittle unfair on your other kids,) and you're hearts and minds are still made up, then go for it before it really is too late!! Good luck! :)

Popbiscuit · 05/11/2011 16:48

I'm 35 and have three (10, 7 and 5). I cannot imagine going back to baby-land again. I'm just loving being able to do all sorts of activities with my big kids and not having to lug around strollers, diapers, car seats etc. I think it would be selfish (for me) to have a baby now (and like Northern Lurker said my switch flicked almost immediately after number three...you might be different :)

EssentialFattyAcid · 05/11/2011 16:49

5% chance of getting pregnant at age 45 and a 75% chance of miscarriage
here

Clearly some people have babies at your age but the odds are stacked against you - I guess you know all this though.

Would a puppy do instead ?

hairylights · 05/11/2011 21:12

Statistics may not be so relevant to you depending on how close you are to menopause. May be worth having some basic tests via your GP

thegauntlet · 06/11/2011 14:19

Wow, i know that people post on here for other people's input. But wow; how discouraging and kind of 'mean' were some of these responses.

I think you probably know all the statistics, and so that isn't helpful. what would be good is if someone would post here that has been in this situation.

Really wishing you all the best with whatever you decide to do; whether having to revisit your own long held desires for another; or if you go for it; or if you look at adoption. xxx

maresedotes · 06/11/2011 14:26

It may not be 'sensible' but if you're aware of the risks (and I'm sure you are) then I say go for it. I am also 45 so do it for me too!

Mum2be79 · 06/11/2011 14:34

Possible? YES.

Sensible? Only you can answer that. Nobody else. Everybody's situation is different.

It's a question that is not limited to age and needs to be one asked by EVERY potential parent to be before committing as you said, finances and stability need to factor in highly in the decision making.

I know of plenty of 40-something parents (some even in their 50s) who have given a child a far better stable home than some 20 or 30-something parents. My PIL were intheir 40s when they had my DH in the 70s and are STILL going strong. DH is 35 going on 36. My PILs are looking forward to their first grandchild whereas my friend aged 36 going on 37 lost both her dad aged 10 and mum aged 34.

isadorable · 06/11/2011 17:45

I am 43 and have six-month old baby, my first. A lot of people were stunned when I announced the pregnancy but now delighted for us. She is perfect and the pregnancy was normal, uneventful even.

My obstetrcian was fine about it - told me he'd recently treated a lady of 48 who'd also had no problems. Before I had my baby, I didnt understand women who wanted another baby when they already had two or more children. Now I totally do. What is right for you and your family is for you to decide. Someone said to me that you only really regret the things you wanted to do but didnt.

The statistics are daunting reading but dont let them stop you. Lots of women are giving birth later now for all sorts of reasons and you don't know until you try. There's a thread in the conception section Fantastic 40+ which is possibly a better place for advice.

eminencegrise · 06/11/2011 17:55

My idea of hell! Have 3 already and they will be about the same ages yours are when I'm 45. DH has been snipped and I have an implant just to be sure we never conceive again.

isthisnameavailable · 06/11/2011 19:23

Do you feel a loss from your misscarriages, that you're trying to fill in some void to feel complete? Because I can assure you that another baby won't do that for you I'm afraid x

pinkytheshrunkenhead · 06/11/2011 20:02

I will be 42 when I have my fifth - you are not too old. Give it a whirl, you know the risks and in all likelihood it will be fine

Best of luck x

hairylights · 06/11/2011 20:39

"Do you feel a loss from your misscarriages, that you're trying to fill in some void to feel complete? Because I can assure you that another baby won't do that for you I'm afraid x"

What a presumptuous thing to say.

pinkytheshrunkenhead · 06/11/2011 20:42

I agree with hairylights it is presumptuous. I have had two miscarriages before my first and second babies, that is not the reason I have had more children

mejon · 06/11/2011 21:39

Statistically it may be difficult but I can tell you that this very overweight 43 year old conceived within the first week of trying last year and I now have a lovely 9 month old DC2. Maybe give it a go and see what happens but give yourself a time-limit?

hairylights · 06/11/2011 22:03

I am loving the positive stories here :) it's good to connect with other women in their forties who have had children :)

harassedandherbug · 07/11/2011 11:10

I'm 41 and preg with dc4. Took us a while to get here as it took 6mths to get preg, then I had a mmc in Jan and mc in March....... but looking forward to a happy ending to the year as I'm due 22nd Dec.

If you're even thinking about it, why not start taking FA so you get a good lot in your system. It won't do any harm at all, and you're prepared if you do decide to go for it.

"Do you feel a loss from your misscarriages, that you're trying to fill in some void to feel complete? Because I can assure you that another baby won't do that for you I'm afraid x"

"What a presumptuous thing to say."

Agreed.... what's that go to do with it?

theDudesmummy · 07/11/2011 11:14

I had my one and only at nearly 46, with my own eggs, no IVF etc, conceived within one month of having an HSG (X-ray of womb which involves dye being squirted in, which appears to have swished away some adhesions I had). It is possible! (I did have 3 mcs first though)

hairylights · 07/11/2011 18:01

wave to harrassed

theDudesmummy I love hearing stories like yours - thank you :) I also had three mcs and I'm now nearly 30 weeks pregnant at 43.

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