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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Am I Being Fair

37 replies

LouisaJF · 04/11/2011 13:22

Please be honest.

I am due in April with our first baby, and DH wants a long weekend with the boys in Amsterdam three weeks before my due date. It is for his best friends birthday, but I am really not happy. That close to the date, I want him home in case I need him.

Is this being reasonable, or should I lighten up a bit?

OP posts:

horseynewmum · 04/11/2011 13:27

I think you are being reasonable. Your baby may want to come early then what would you do. I think he needs to grow up and start acting like a dad

Toobluntforboss · 04/11/2011 13:28

I would say you should lighten up a bit really, unless you have a particularly difficult pregnancy and there's a reason you actually need him there 24/7. Once the baby comes, weekends away with friends are likely to be few and far between so take it while either of you can. Wont do any harm earning brownie points either to ensure he reciprocates when you want a weekend away with friends after you've had the baby. Hope all goes well.

Crosshair · 04/11/2011 13:28

I wouldn't be happy about it. Do you have other people to support you if he did decide to go away?

Toobluntforboss · 04/11/2011 13:30

My goodness horseynewmum, that's harsh. The baby isn't here yet for him to start acting like a dad. As long as he is a kind, caring husband, will a weekend away really hurt anyone? Presumably if baby is looking like coming early, he'd cancel the trip.

hillyhilly · 04/11/2011 13:31

I would have let my dh go, BUT my first child arrived three weeks early out of the blue after an entirely normal pregnancy so he needs to seriously consider whether it's worth missing the birth of his child, and not supporting you for ( after which obviously, he should decide not to go )

SenoritaViva · 04/11/2011 13:34

Quite near to your due date. Problem is the unknown... if you're pregnant then no problem being left alone but if you went into labour or the baby had come early then you might/will need him there. Babies do arrive early and because it is abroad (rather than a few hours away) I'd be hesitant to be honest.

How about you suggest they make a night out the weekend before as well when he isn't going abroad?

CombineArvester · 04/11/2011 13:40

If you were me in my first pregnancy you would already have a 3 week old by the time he goes...still having said that I'd let him go. It's highly unlikely you will go into labour then. Vast majority of babies are born within a week of their due date either side. If you live near someone who'd be willing to come with you to the hosp if necessary, let him go. It's his last weekend without any responsibility, wish I'd had one of those

TeacupTempest · 04/11/2011 13:40

Well I am nearly 35 weeks and DH is off to sea for the next few days and although I can't/wouldn't stop him I am not exactly overjoyed. He will be uncontactable for most of the time and is heading out into what can be quite dangerous sea.

I know the chances of anything happening to him are slim and the chances I will go into labour are also slim but I still feel uneasy.

He arranged to go now and no later as he didn't want to be away for the birth so its a bit of a calculated risk. The closer to the date the more the risk I guess.

Anyway not very helpful but I know how you feel!

morethemerrier · 04/11/2011 13:48

I dont think you are being unreasonable at all!

I would put it to him that his BF has a birthday every year, and at that point in your pregnancy when you will be becoming anxious and excited about the birth the last thing you need is for him going off to Amsterdam!

The likely hood that he would miss the birth is small but could happen, and would he want the stress of trying to get back to you should you need him.

My OH has tried to wangle several rugby tours either very close to due date, or shortly after, and I have always told him only HE can decide if he should go,and not make me out to be the party pooper!

Needless to say he never actually went! He actually came to the conclusion that he would have just spent most of the time on the phone or worrying about me anyway!

I obviously had pointed out to him though that his mother was not happy that he missed DS1 first birthday party having chosen to play in a Rugby match the same afternoon when I had used the same 'only you can decide' ethos!

Still says I 'stiched him up' to this day!

twogirls1more · 04/11/2011 13:54

Ummm... is a tricky one really! Is this ur first baby? If it is then you'd have less idea whether or not baby was likely to be on the early side. The average length of pregnancy is 37-40wks so most babies do come along between these weeks, (that's if u have ur dates right?) Having said all that, if it is your 1st baby then at least u don't have other children to take care of and in worst case scenario, on your own if things were to happen early! I think that although the chances may be on the slim side, you would both need to be wise to the fact that baby could possibly put in an appearance while he was away and you'd both have to be kinda happy with that possibility!?
I don't think you're being unreasonable feeling that way, I'd feel the same and the very fact that you're asking peoples opinions on here says that you really care about ur DH's feelings too. Is soooo tricky! As it's his best friend, would friend not consider bringing his main away birthday celebrations forward a couple of weeks? It's just a birthday after all!
Good luck with whatever you decide. Would talk about your feelings with DH though and rather than trying to lay down the law, try to explain sensitively how anxious it's making you feel.

Nanny01 · 04/11/2011 14:09

I had a similar situation with my dh when I had my first baby. He had to go to the states 2 weeks. His boss promised to phone him if needed and get him back. I did point out that baby's can come quickly. In other pregnancy's I do put a limit , you may call me selfish but I really was struggling with lifting stuff and also getting about. Dh has said there will be no business trips away and the company use someone who is based in canada to do those trips. My dh won't travel more than 1h from hom now as I have very short labours of less than an hour. I know this is a social event but if you don't feel comfy about it speak out maybe a compromise doing something with a friend at a later time. It is not nice being the party pooper but equally spending the weekend worrying isn't great. I guess if you have a special friend that could stay with you then that would be another option.

CheeseandGherkins · 04/11/2011 14:09

My first baby arrived at 36+4 when my waters broke in the night, she was born the next day after a quick labour. You just can't tell. She also needed to stay in scbu for a week due to breathing and feeding problems.

Deliaskis · 04/11/2011 14:35

I had a similar worry when I was expecting DD, as DH was to be away in Germany for 3 nights about 3 weeks before due date.

I wasn't that happy about it, as because of where we live, and where he was going, he could have been up to 14 hours away (depending on flight times etc.) if I did go into labour so could feasibly have missed the whole thing.

However, with Amsterdam, there are realistically loads of flight options for getting home in a hurry, I would probably (and with the benefit of hindsight) be more comfortable with it.

As it happens DH's trip was cancelled anyway.

As it happens, DD was born a few days early but I was only in labour for about 7 hours so quite quick if DH had been away at that point.

The thing is, nobody knows how you will feel or how early/late/fast/lengthy your labour might be. Talk to your DH about your concerns and see if you can come up with a plan.

TimothyClaypoleLover · 04/11/2011 14:51

I thought most babies were born after the due date not between 37-40 weeks. No-one I know has had a baby early and most tend to go at least a week overdue to you could be looking at him being away 4-5 weeks before baby is actually born.

I would let him go. The first few weeks of being a parent are tough with the lack of sleep etc so he may resent you stopping him from having one last weekend away with his mates. And as someone else said, you can get him to stay at home with baby while you have a nice weekend away somewhere when you are desperate for a break.

Montsti · 04/11/2011 14:56

I would have a problem with this particularly as this is your first baby as I know quite a few people who had no problems in pregnancy and delivered at around that time...if he was going to a BF or family member's wedding/important work trip I think it would be different, but a friend's birthday...

Does he realize that there is a real possibility that you could give birth then? Could BF not organize his weekend away a few weeks earlier?

CheeseandGherkins · 04/11/2011 15:33

Oh and I've never reached my due date, all we're early, pregnant with 5th now

CheeseandGherkins · 04/11/2011 15:33

Were*

pinkpeony · 04/11/2011 16:25

You are being reasonable. Your baby will be full term from 37 weeks. Most babies are born between 37 and 42 weeks. My DC1 was born at 38+2, so first babies can come well before the due date. I made DH cancel a trip he had planned when I was pg with DC2, where he would have been away until I was 38 weeks. Glad he did, as DC2 born at 38+1. Would your DH want to risk missing his PFB's birth for his friend's birthday? April is still far away, so can they move the date at all?

Tigerinmysoup · 04/11/2011 16:26

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. If it wasn't abroad, then might be a different matter but even then he'd be hard pushed to get to you if needed (assuming he would be drinking). Is it a 'big' birthday?
Agree with previous poster - leave the decision on him as to how he'd feel if he missed the birth, and he'll probably make the right decision without you being the killjoy.

MrBloomsNursery · 04/11/2011 17:05

You're not being unreasonable, BUT, first babies are notoriously late comers so you may not even go into labour until week 41 or 42.

Personally, I wouldn't like it if my DH went away like that.

brianmayshair · 04/11/2011 17:13

I think your being fair however I wouldn't let it upset you and it's not worth arguing over now. My dh has booked a boys weekend away this weekend I'm nearly 37 weeks he booked it ages ago and I just looked at him like this. it's our 3rd and he is now considerably twitchy about going and I doubt he'll enjoy himself. His dm and my dm are rather pissed off with him and people keep telling him he is brave so I don't have to
Make him feel bad. The way I see it if he chooses to miss the birth of our baby so he can go drinking then his loss.

He is usually really good but as my mum said earlier the responsibility of a new baby always turns him momentarily into a fuckwit

DizzyKipper · 05/11/2011 09:04

I think you're being reasonable, it's your first baby and you're going to be understandably anxious. Since a lot of people keep saying how unusual it is for you to give birth at 37 weeks I decided to go looking and found these statistics. The 6th link down includes a breakdown of births by gestational age (putting 37 weeks at around 5%) although they are pointing out errors in the data in that link. Still it does show that giving birth at 37 weeks isn't completely implausible, even if it is less likely.

It's down to him if he wants to risk potentially missing the birth of his first child for a birthday weekend in Amsterdam. I had a similar conversation with my OH as his work will potentially be taking them on holiday close to our due date, I know my partner has already decided there's no way in hell he'd risk missing it - surely the answer most of us will feel relieved with as it's much more important to know your partner will put the family first (and be there for them in case things go wrong/happen a lot sooner than planned). This isn't about you stopping him from going, it's about him deciding whether he'd rather go with this small risk or play it safe. I hope your husband will realise it's more important to play it safe and be there if you need him.

twogirls1more · 05/11/2011 09:51

Found those stats v interesting dizzy! Just chatted to my DH on this thread and his response was that your DH needs to grow up and man up to his responsibilities! Some would say a little harsh and/or blunt but is one of the reasons I married him cos he always puts our children, (we have 5 between us incl previous marriages, soon to be 6.) and me first! :) Plus, he'd never want to chance missing the birth of his child. When he was married to his ex he was sent to germany for work (wasn't given much of a choice at the time,) and was called to say his wife in labour whilst away! He left as soon as poss but missed the birth of his first Son and his ex never let him forget it! He was young then and his boss didn't really give him a choice so it was a really unfortunate situation though he'd never have chosen to be away. 37wks is considered to be full term and there's a chance he could miss it all... would either of you want this?!

tentative123 · 05/11/2011 17:21

I'm due in March and my husband normally goes on a lads walking weekend in late feb, which is about the same timeframe as you are talkking about. we've agreed that the baby is far more important to him; but if at the time it seems fine with both of us he might go last minute.

Flights to amsterdam aren't impossible to come by - although he might not be able to travel with the friends - might that be an option tho?

NoobyNoob · 05/11/2011 18:10

I think you should let him go TBH. Its going to be one of the last weekends he'll get for a long time before becoming a dad.

And yes twogirls I think that's harsh regarding your DH's comments about growing up FGS.

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