14 weeks now and hubby still not come around

[par05]

Hi am 14 weeks pregnant with baby no4, unplanned, couldn't go through with termanation as didn't find out till i was 8wks.
My dh not happy at all and went ballistic at first, then i thought he had calmed down, but now 2weeks later he still wants me to get rid of baby.
He is worried about what everyone else think eg "they crazy they having no4" "the other 3 kids will be missing out" etc.
it's really upsetting and i just keep thinking will he ever be ok with the baby.
Has anyone been in this situation please help. Our families won't be happy either but i just keep thinking that they not raising my kids i am.

I woudl say 6 weeks is a relatively short time for him to come round, but for him to still insist that he wants you to get rid of it is awful. I've been through similar with my dp, we found out I was very very unexpectedly pregnant and he was really troubled by it. We found out at 7 weeks irrc, and it wasn't until fairly recently, maybe 13 or 14 weeks (am 18 weeks now) that we feel happy and secure in our decision. But for those weeks when everything was up on the air it was just horrible. I don't know what to sugggest other than giving him space and time, and to keep talking. And forget what other people think. If you're sure that this is the best thing for your family, then go for it.

Hi ffff thanks for your reply, hubby still not happy saying it is going to be a bad thing if we have this child. I'm so upset haven't slept properly and just feel like giving in and not having the child only i know, i will then hate my dh for making me do something i will regret. I really dont know what to do. nothing will be the same between us again it will divide us up.

Can you talk with him about the baby without arguing? If need be, write down the positives and negatives about the new baby. Be honest with each other.

Is he worried about finances?

You did not get pregnant alone, he was there too. Is he blaming you for getting pregnant?

Hi he dosen't want to talk about the baby at all. and yes he is saying i planned it when i didnt, i feel i can't talk to him at all, because he just gets all negative and talks about how everyone will not want to know us if we have 4 kids.
They will think we stupid and uneducated. also he says i'm not thinking straight and am being selfish thinking about myself and not him or the kids. It's a mess at the mo horrible atmosphere and just feel terrible, i think dh is frustrated to and it is dauntin, i just don't know what to do.

If you don't want a termination then you shouldn't have one. I would suggest that he get the snip so no more accidents can happen. He will have to get over it - stay strong.

Did you want another child, and he didn't? Does he have the impression that you "tricked" him?

With some men it is the fear of being responsible for another mouth to feed, and perhaps the feeling that you are starting over, back to baby days, when he thought you were out of that.

How old are your other DC?

Write down your for and against, and make him do the same.

Then agree to go through your lists together, with each waiting until the other has finished talking and no - absolutely no - recriminations or accusations.

He is being incredibly selfish and very unfair.

You don't want to terminate this pregnancy, so the matter is closed.

Stop trying to get him to come around. Just tell him to grow up.

Shecutoftheirtales
Yes, he is being selfish and immature - or that is one way of looking at it. And yes, she could tell him to grow up and face up to his responsibilities.

But he is under the impression that she tricked him, he is worried about the response of others, he thinks she should terminate the pregnancy.

These are not issue that should be brushed under the carpet. They need to be discussed, openly and with respect.

Yes - happened to me' few months ago. Ds4 is now 6 days old. It hasn't been smooth tbh but we're getting there. Really took him few weeks to get head round it. He had wanted termination but at scan we found out I was 15 weeks and then he knew himself it wasn't an option (never was for me'). He didn't speak to me' for 2 weeks which was terrible but then he grew up a bit. Like you he seemed most bothered about what others thought - I wasn't allowed to say to lots of folk I was pregs till 20 weeks which was so daft. I just shut up and said nothing till he stopped tantrumming.

Good luck - sorry can't post more just now as in supermarket

Accusing your wife of "tricking" you into pregnancy is outrageous, unless you have a very good reason to think that is the case.

He is "under that impression" because throwing that accusation around allows him to deny responsibility, and seems to make him feel justified in his bullying.

Accusing a pregnant woman of having tricked you into pregnancy is not a get out of jail free card for unwilling fathers, despite what so many seem to think.

The "what will people say?" concern is laughable bullshit, and deserves to be treated as such.

And his wife has said she does not want a termination, so that discussion is over.

Indulging his stropping and begging him to change his mind is just going to confirm him in his belief that bullying his pregnant wife is a reasonable way to behave.

Now it's "stick up for yourself" time.

He's calling you selfish and dishonest, says you're not thinking straight, he cares more about what he thinks other people might think than he does about you and you're upset rather than angry?! Why are you putting up with that?

Anyone who thinks that 'everyone will not want to know us if we have 4 kids.
They will think we stupid and uneducated' - is a nut. He's a bully and a coward. Sorry I don't have constructive advice for how to resolve the problem, other than to stand up for yourself, because I just can't get my head around taking that kind of behaviour from anyone under any circumstances, least of all my DH.

SheCutOf
Of course it is outrageous, and his reasons for not wanting another child are ridiculous.

I would be wondering though, if there is something else going on. Why he would be so opposed to the pregnancy, without actually coming up with a good reason.

Not excusing him, but think that Par05 needs to get to the bottom of it before she kicks his sorry arse into next week

Thanks everyone for replys, i feel i need to give dh some space, but you are right i should be angry not upset, the thing is we are indian and i probably have got a bit of my dh is right at all times syndrome.
And i do let him get away with alot, also having been divorced once it would be a massive stigma if it happened again (not saying it will) my parents would'nt be happy and dhs family already dislike me i feel as if i need to step out of the box and be strong i was born and raised in uk, my dh is from india, this isn't the end of the world, and a lot worse things are happening at the mo all over the world. i'm quite westernised whereas he isn't, i have felt over the years that , we shouldnt be together but culture, and religion stop me.
I'm just rambling at the mo sorry if it dose'nt make sense.
just feel i wish i could be stronger.

par05, I'm really sorry about what you're going through. Can I ask if you're Muslim or Hindu? And is your DH quite religious or very culturally orientated? I don't know I'm trying to think of ways on how you could bring him around by referring to religious or cultural stories. Or is there anyone who you could talk to, like his mother or sister who could perhaps support you and bring him around? I think you need that support from someone.

Are you open enough with him to talk about pregnancy openly, or is he the type who doesn't want to know? Because you could sit down and show him what a 14 week old baby looks like and ask him if he could go through with termination knowing that it is a real human being, not just a figment of your or his imagination.

Hi again - like you my dh admitted after he finished his 2 weeks of silence that he felt I'd tricked him which I found so hurtful. For me' I honestly couldn't terminate and although I love him and am very happy with him I would have gone ahead alone if he had forced me'. He also knew that if he'd forced me' that could have totally rocked our relationship forever as he knew I would never really forgive him for it - it really is a no win situation.

Like your dh the big issue was what will others think, the general exhaustion of it (our others are 5 and under) and the finances. Also it makes life plans I.e housing, holidays so much more complicated.

It really has been a process of letting him adjust - we haven't really talked about me' being pregnant - the elephant in the room. Since ds4 arrived last week he's been a but sharp at times and today I asked him why and if it was tiredness or the reality of the baby's presence. He was sweet and said something along the lines of how could he not want him now and that he was his son which was so reassuring.

It's a crap situation now - no getting away from it- but with the silver lining of a gorgeous child at the end of it. All I can advise is to give him time and please don't allow yourself to be pressured into doing something you don't want to do especially if it's based on what others may think. Stay true to yourself and strong.

Big hugs- I really feel for you and hope it come right.

Hi thanks for replys we are sikh, my mil lives in india and has already told me after 3rd dc was born, not to have anymore children, my dh has also said his family have said not to have anymore. havent told dh family yet.
Have told my mum. My mum is ok about it but has said that she can't believe i didn't realise sooner. Dh does'nt get on with my familyso what they say don't matter, my brother is really happy about it he loves my kids and says dh will come around.
My sil already thinks i'm crazy for having 3 so i can imagine what she will say.
Lollystix its the same for me at the mo my dh has not acknowledged that i'm pregnant at all.
Hasn't been to any scan and when i tried to show him the scan photo just did'nt want to know. You are right there is a silver lining at the end . i just hope it won't divide us completley. congrats to you btw.

What a horrible situation. Really feel for you OP.

You say: "he says i'm not thinking straight and am being selfish thinking about myself and not him or the kids."
Of course you're thinking about the kids, but you're thinking about all of them, including the one who hasn't yet been born.

I really don't see what how many children you have has to do with his mother, or anyone else in his family. It's your family and your choice. As for his concern about what other people will think, I think frankly that is laughable and if anything shows that he is the selfish one, not you. He is effectively saying that what other people think of him is more important than the feelings of his wife and the wellbeing of his unborn child. Clearly he has had a shock and it's understandable it will take some time to get used to, but he needs to get over it and start thinking of his immediate family, rather than the opinions of others.

For what it's worth I don't think anyone will see you as uneducated for having four kids. Brave and something of a superwoman - yes, but not uneducated

Good luck, I hope he comes around soon.

the only one who seems to behaving in an uneducated manor right now is your DH. he is being unbelievable unfair to you,be strong and good luck.

No advice from me, since I haven't been there, just wanted to wish you best of luck and hope your DH comes around soon!!

hi thanks for the replys, it's made feel that i can come on to mn and will get support. I keep hoping dh will come around to the idea, as i'm 110% sure i am giong to go through with this pregnancy and will face what comes.

DP did not want another child as had two others from previous marriage. Although we were not long dating he did not want another. During my pregnancy I was pretty much alone and for first two years of dd daughters life. She is now 5.5 we have lived together for 3 years and are very happy. He loves dd they are true buddies. I had a lot to forgive but think I have although sometimes it peeps out .... I try not to look back but forward.

Hi didn't sleep again, Dh again saying you are not thinking straight. I feel so worn down, begining to really dislike dh at times. don't know why i'm being a coward as thats how i feel, won't tell him straight to just get over it.
I nknow i need to but don't want him to resent me.
prob not making sense again sorry.

do think you need to be really honest to your dh par05 because you maybe giving him false impressions if you are not. if you are as you say 100% sure that you want the baby and are not going to have an abortion then you need to tell him that in no uncertain terms so that he can not say that you are not thinking straight etc. then perhaps he can get on with the process of getting use to the idea rather than thinking he can convince you otherwise.
dont feel like a coward you are not being cowardly unless you are being unfair to yourself or him. you are being very brave i think in taking a stand for what you feel and not allowing your self to be manipulated.

hi thanks for reply, you are right i have said to dh i am keeping the baby but , i have said it meekly , i do need to be more assertive. We going to a family do today for a few days so hoping that it will be ok and postpone arguing untill we back. So won'y be on here for few days, just want to say thanks for all the support and see you when back x