14 weeks now and hubby still not come around

[par05]

Hi am 14 weeks pregnant with baby no4, unplanned, couldn't go through with termanation as didn't find out till i was 8wks.
My dh not happy at all and went ballistic at first, then i thought he had calmed down, but now 2weeks later he still wants me to get rid of baby.
He is worried about what everyone else think eg "they crazy they having no4" "the other 3 kids will be missing out" etc.
it's really upsetting and i just keep thinking will he ever be ok with the baby.
Has anyone been in this situation please help. Our families won't be happy either but i just keep thinking that they not raising my kids i am.

I think that a husband certainly has a right to a (strong) opinion on the shape of his household for the next 18 years plus. Unless of course you are going to bring up number 4 as a lone parent, both practically and financially. You cannot just say "I am pregnant and that is it" as a fait accompli. Ideally this sort of thing should be discussed in advance between a couple (what one would do in the case of accidental pregnancy). Certainly, my wife and I have discussed it and decided that we would keep number three under certain conditions (move somewhere cheaper, hire help etc) but not number four.

If you have not discussed it, you should certainly listed carefully and respectfully to your husband's view. Of course no one has a right to force a termination on their partner and, if you really want the baby, you should ask him what you could do to make him more comfortable with the decision.

I think the idea that you can be angry with someone with having a view on the shape of their own family is outrageous.

Larry, there's a difference between having a view which you discuss and browbeating your partner. If the OP has already said she couldn't face a termination then it's wrong for her husband to try to pressure her into it, and that is very much what seems to be going on here. She hasn't said she's angry with him for feeling the way he does.

And it may be harsh of me, but I think the time when a man has an ultimate choice in whether the baby's born or not is conception. Anyone can make mistakes, but the mother's vote is casting after conception. I think it would be very hard to maintain affection for anyone who wants to kill your baby, and that's how it feels to many women.

Well said local crackpot

larry you are suggesting what? that the man throws his toys out of the pram and if he doesnt get his own way re the termination the he should leave his family rather than agree to raise his newest child by the women he loves (supposedly).
its simple if you as man want no more more children go and get a vasectomy rather than attempt to manipulate your partner in to getting a termination after the fact.

Lolly and Spook,

What are you suggesting? That a woman can unilaterally decide on the shape of her family? And if she gets pregnant, the decision to terminate or not lies purely in her hands?

In an age when men and women are urged to take equal responsibility for their children, whether to have them should also be 50/50. At this point, I think that she can insist on having it but she will have to bend over backwards to accommodate his wishes as to where they will live, who does the childcare etc. After all, her husband will have compromised on the most important decision (whether to have the baby or not) so she should be prepared to compromise on everything else.

Maybe he should have got a vasectomy. I have no idea why the contraception failed and whose fault it was.

Leaving his family was never my suggestion, by the way.

sorry larry i it was by way if implication in the sentence "Unless of course you are going to bring up number 4 as a lone parent, both practically and financially."
when it come to the decision to terminate a child it is perhaps unfair but yes i do see the woman as having the final say because ultimately they are the one that have to carry and go threw labour etc, its her body.the man can discuss his opinions but that is all he can do.
aside from that if a person disagrees with abortion on a fundamental level for what ever reason it should be a non issue.
the baby once born is both their responsibilities the woman should not bend over backwards to accommodate anything, the only sure way to not get pregnant is not abstain if you dont want a baby dont have sex, i also dont think getting pregnant is to be see as a fault on someones part if it was a contraception failure.
the op has made her feelings clear and her partner contains to marginalize them, agreeing with this kind of behavior and blaming the op does not put you in a particularly good light.

Spooks,

It is not about me and I don't care what "light" you feel it puts me in. On a personal level, my wife and I have discussed accidental pregnancy and what we would do were it to happen. When we definitively decide not to have more children, I will def be having a vasectomy.

That sentence of mine implies that, as they are BOTH going to be responsible for the child, they both have to make a decision as to whether to have it. This idea that pregnancy and labour should give the woman the definitive say is putting 9 months over and above the ensuing 18+ years.

Agreed, the only way not to get pregnant is to abstain. Takes two to have sex, though, so I am not really getting your point.

Families are partnerships if they are to work at all. Totally disregarding one person's strong view is a sure route to the divorce court.

I'm sorry you are going through this :(

I respect that it is more difficult for you with your background to stand up to your H. However, you must. I feel from what you have said that a termination would destroy what's left of your relationship with your H and would leave you in a complete state.

Tell him that you are keeping the baby and that is the end of the discussion. What he chooses to do about that is up to him. Frankly, him leaving doesn't seem too much of a loss to me ... but I appreciate that although you probably agree, with your beliefs/family this would be hard on you :(

Larry the time to have a say in the shape of your family is before the baby is conceived. Once the baby is conceived it is up to the woman to decide. His opinion can be taken into consideration - but that is it. If he didn't want to father another child he should have had a vasectomy anything other than that and he takes the risk of it happening and must accept that. [along with the minimal risk of the V not working]

"Larry the time to have a say in the shape of your family is before the baby is conceived. Once the baby is conceived it is up to the woman to decide."

Why? That is just arrant sexism. And, does it not depend on any discussions they might have had pre conception? For instance, if they both agree that they have the family they want and neither are in principle anti abortion, then is it still reasonable for the woman to unilaterally decide to keep the child?

as would forcing a woman to have an abortion or attempting to when it is obviously against her will.
yes that nine months does give the woman precedence, obviously otherwise the wade vs roe case would have been won by the father and the woman would have been forced in to having a baby she didnt want.
fyi discussing accidental pregnancy before it happens and what her opinion would be if it actually happens could be two very different things.
would you be a tyrannical as you sound if you wife refused you if you demanded for her to have an abortion, would you then demand that she do and say what ever you want and accommodate your wishes because you couldn't have it your way. your words were bend over backwards.
as far as i am concerned that would not sound like a great marriage, much like what the op must be feeling right now.

Spook,

Seeing as you are getting personal, is your husband allowed to fart without asking your permission? I can see you have a great marriage if you love total dominance.

My wife and I have discussed it and I have said that I would only have a third child subject to certain conditions. My wife has agreed that, were she to want a third child so much that it overrode my feelings entirely, that she would agree to the conditions. It is something that we discuss quite a bit as it is one of those important things that it is important to be clear about in advance.

Wade vs Roe is a case of whether a woman has a legal right to keep/abort a baby. No-one is disputing that. Whether she has a moral right to add a child to her family when her partner does not want it and whether she can then expect the family to stay happily together is a totally different question. Surely you can see that?

larry - while I agree with you in principle, it's a bit late to be discussing the ideal size of their family. She is already pregnant and her DH is 50% responsible for that situation!

OP - you already know you don't want to terminate and you shouldn't be made to feel bad for that. I couldn't terminate either - even if another child wasn't in the plan. TBH your DH is behaving like a child himself. He needs to grow up and step up. I'm sorry, but contraception is a joint enterprise and if he wasn't taking care to avoid a pregnancy then he needs to accept the consequences and going forward perhaps he should have a vasectomy if he really doesn't wish to add to your family yet again! So yes, you need to be a bit more assertive. Be honest about how you feel, reiterate to him that you did not trick him and that this genuinely was an accident, but stand firm on your refusal to terminate and urge him to man up (for want of a better phrase!), and accept that he is half responsible for the pregnancy. Hopefully, when your baby arrives he'll come around (if not before). And as for the rest of the family - sod them. It's not them raising your children - so they should keep their opinions to themselves.

i find it interesting that you view a woman making a decision about her body as total domination over a relationship. and yet you dont view a woman having to comply in order to keep things tickety boo the same thing.
i found myself unexpectedly pregnant about 5 months ago my dp knew that abortion would never be a possibility for me and as both of us never wanted any more children we both looked in to sterilization he was booked in for a vasectomy when i found out i was pregnant.
he brought it up once and i told him that it was not something i would ever be able to do and that was it. he said he was fairly certain that was the response i would give but he had to check.
he knew that he was taking a risk whenever we had sex contraception or no. there were no provisos to us having the baby.
i do feel that our personal argument is detracting from the op's problem and they are two different things.

hi update on things we went out over the weekend got back tue, so sorry haven't been on.
The arguing is becoming less, mind you how much can you argue if one person(me) dosen't retaliate. I'm thinking dh is beginning to accept that no 4 is here to stay. He still is having little gos eg we won't be able to go anywhere as a family again because we have a 5 seater car, or you have ruined my life, people are goin to laugh at us. But these havee been far and few. i still don't think he will acknowledge it but, as long as he is ok with it thats all i can hope for. And that when baby is born he will love he/she just as he does the others.
Larry we never did talk about what we would do if we fell pregnant with no4, maybe we should have but it never came up.

Ps thank you everyone mn has been a lifesaver for me x