distressed after first appt with consultant

[Lulu57]

Hello!

I've only just become a member... I've been looking on the net if I could get a bit of support as I feel so down in the dumps at the mo...

About 10 days ago, I found out I was pregnant with our second child. We wanted another baby and because of my age, we were thinking it's now or never. I suffered a miscarriage about 18 months ago, I needed a D&C and they discovered a huge fibroid at the time. It was decided to remove this fibroid so as to increase my chances for a future healthy pregnancy. The op went better than expected as my uterus cavity didn't need to be opened and I was told to wait 6 months before trying to conceive again. As it happens, I am now pregnant 15 months after the op, so it all had time to heal well.

I had my first appointment today with the consultant. He got me so upset, I cried for 2 hours afterwards... He basically told me, that because of my age, my weight (BMI is 32) and my op, it was high risk and therefore the hospital I am supposed to have the baby is unlikely to accept me! He also asked whether I realised how increased the risk was that I would give birth to a baby with Down's syndrome... He basically made me feel awful and like a complete idiot for wanting another child. I am fit and healthy and I know that my op I had 15 months ago is not really a problem anymore (only problem is, that I should consider a c-section rather than a natural birth). I realise I am not the youngest and that I carry extra weight, however at a size 16, I find it hard to believe that I am the biggest mum out there?

I have asked to see another consultant as suggested by my midwife who was herself quite myffed by the doctor's comments. I feel so stressed about it all and just so worried now.

He sounds delightful. My consultant was nothing but helpful, he explained all the risks (BMI of 37, dodgy glucose tolerance at the best of times) but made me feel completely at ease and like I could ask him questions.

I hope the more senior consultant is more helpful, especially as your options are so limited.

FWIW a friend of mine was 20 when she conceived her first child 22 the second, 5' 4 and a size 8-10. She had horrific Hyperemesis and two premature births so age, weight etc are only indicators on a page. Everybody is different.

"seems" to have been, could it not be that perhaps the op was being a little over sensitive. I would rather a doctor was straight with me even if it wasn't what i wanted to hear than mollycoddled me.

There is a difference between being straight and being rude though. You can explain risks in a way that does not upset your patient. Taking into account the feelings of a patient should be something that all doctors do. There is a difference between mollycoddling and empathy. I don't like this 'doesn't have a good bedside manner' excuse. I wouldn't expect to leave a doctor's surgery feeling like crying because a doctor was 'straight' with me. There are ways of explaining risks sensitively.

But my point being that what upsets one person doesn't always upset another, without actually being at the appointment it's hard to judge the doctor, he may have been perfectly reasonable and the op overreacted. It annoys when people slate doctors (they have a difficult job) because they don't like what was said. A bmi of 32 is quite high given 24 is top end of normal the doctor probably felt that the sensible thing to do would have been to lose weight before getting pregnant, just as they would think someone who smoked should quit before they got pregnant. Being overweight does pose additional risks and it is the hospital and the doctor who will have to deal with these risks. I'm sorry but it is a tad irresponsible getting pregnant if you know you are overweight, in the same it would be if you smoked or were addicted to drugs, the doctor had every right to air those concerns as he will end up having to treat them.

I wasn't slating all doctors to be fair, and I don't think anyone else was here either. I have had lots of very positive experiences and most doctors do an amazing job under often difficult circumstances. That said, I have experienced once or twice a doctor who has been insensitive and rude and made me feel upset and I don't think that is acceptable.

Also, I think it is very harsh of you to claim that it's irresponsible to get pregnant while overweight. Most overweight women go on to have very successful births. But quite aside from that, if the woman is already pregnant, what is the point of giving her grief? It's not like she can go back and change it!! I wouldn't compare being overweight to being addicted to drugs either, again I think that is being really harsh! This woman posted to get some reassurance as she was upset about a visit, and I feel that your comments are hardly helpful or supportive.

It is irresponsible, you are capable of losing weight. I'm sure they do go on to have healthy births however they cost the nhs a lot more money in the process and make a lot more work for the doctors and midwives. It is comparable with being addicted to drugs after all overweight people must be addicted to food, it amounts to the same thing - a negative impact on your overall health and a lower life expectancy as well as a higher risk of complications during and after pregnancy. What would you like a doctor to say that it's ok, that it's acceptable well it's not it's disgusting, maybe doctors need to start being tough because obviously the alternative is not working. Maybe if overweight women had to pay for the additional treatment they needed they would consider losing weight before getting pregnant.

Maybe make your own thread to bitch about overweight pregnant women? Its not very fair on the op to do it here.

I'm just making a point that if women want to be treated like adults by doctors they should behave responsibly and be accountable for their actions instead of moaning because a doctor said something they didn't like.

How exactly am I costing the NHS more? The only extra test I've had was a GTT which I had because my urine results kept coming back positive for glucose and the only extra medication was antibiotics, which as all prescriptions are now free in Scotland anyway would have cost them the same if I had a UTI now or in a year's time.

Conversely, as mentioned upthread, a friend of mine who falls within normal limits was hospitalised several times and prescribed steroids, anti nausea drugs and had two premature deliveries, an air ambulance and made use of the partner accommodation in the hospital. All at a significant cost. Was she irresponsible for having that unfortunate characteristic that causes HG? Or is that fine because she wasn't overweight or a drug abuser?

At my smallest, a size 12 at 5' 8, I was still overweight according to the BMI scale. And now, as someone with a high BMI I am having an absolutely textbook pregnancy, and when my midwife and consultant discussed the risks with me have never felt like a bad person. Which is what happened to the OP. Whatever you think about people who are pregnant and overweight there is no reason to make a woman in an already stressful situation feel bad about herself and her choices.

Being overweight is not comparable to being on drugs! Have you ever seen a baby born to a heroin addict? Op don't be upset doctors can have appalling people skills just like anyone else, you were just unfortunate enough to get one! And don't worry about what people on here say some just like to cause an argument!

BMI cutoff is 35 for consultant led care. I'm 37, my BMI was 34 when I got pregnant (was higher, I lost some to get pregnant). I had a home birth, no complications, no "additional cost to NHS", minimal tearing (no stitches needed).
Consultants base their career on births being dangerous and needing to be medicalised, midwives base their career o n births being natural with minimal intervention needed (especially those that support home births).

Your consultant is a scaremongerer with a bad attitude.

Babyonbord you come across as rude and ignorant, learn to spell - it should be board, you're not even making a pun eg on bored.

Think that's the first time I've ever criticised another poster!

Babyonbord you sound delightfull [hmmm]

My bmi was 30 when I fell pregnant, I have since lost weight due to being unable to keep food down and now have a bmi of 27 (not taking into account the baby, extra blood, fluid, placenta, extra cup size etc).

I was never under consultant care due to my weight as I am sure, as another poster has mentioned, consultant led care due to weight issues begins when the mother to be has a bmi of 35+.

The man you have seen was being horrid (with what appears to be the same narrow minded views as Babyonbord). You are having a baby and need support, not a hard time.

Please let us know how you get on with the new consultant.

Good luck.

Wow, babyonbord, seriously, WHAT?!

I WAS going to lose weight to get pregnant, but ended up conceiving straight away (lucky, I know) and at that point it becomes silly to try and lose more. My pregnancy has been no more expensive to the NHS than any other 'average' pregnancy, I've had a GTT but that's really no big deal (didn't even cost hospital appointment time, my dad did the blood-taking part). I haven't cost money for fertility drugs, stays for pre-eclampsia, extra scans: NOTHING. I may end up having another section, but that's down to a crappy pelvis handed down from my mother - which she in turn got from her mum etc etc, it's nothing to do with my weight.

How DARE you call me or anyone else who's struggled with their weight 'irresponsible and disgusting' or liken it to being addicted to drugs?!

I hope you have a straightforward birth - but if you don't are you going to pay for all the extra care you need? No, thought not. It's called the NATIONAL Health Service for a reason. Which means that the NATION - thin, fat, old, young, druggies, pissheads, tee-totallers and 'average joes' alike all get the same treatment.

Lulu just to say don't let one unsympathetic poster put you off mumsnet! Hope all goes well when you meet the second consultant and that he is more supportive and helpful than the first one. Let us know how it goes!

You have been way out of line babyonbord.

I have (as I said previously) a BMI of 31. So I am overweight, in fact, medically obese. I am a size 14. My mother and sister (both size 10) are medically overweight and do genuinely have heavy bones and when I am weighed every HCP assumes they have got it wrong as it makes no sense. However - obese is what I am.

I have had NO weight related issues in any of my 4 pregnancies. I have had problems, sure, but nothing which is related in any way to my obesity.

What a shame they don't offer personality transplants on the NHS. It would save a lot of heartache dished out by utterly unempathetic people.

I honestly think you owe the OP an apology. Not something I would normally advocate as I think this is a free talking website and have done my fair share in the past, but to liken her to a drug user is not on.

What mopsy said. Don't let one idiot put you off.

babyonboard I was overweight when I got pregnant and to date I couldn't have had a more straightforward pregnancy. I suggest you do some thinking about where your prejudices come from. I would also like to add that BMI is hardly an unchallenged methodology for gauging healthy weight. I believe David Beckham is obese according to his BMI.

OP I hope you have a wonderful pregnancy.

Well stop eating then, if you're overweight it's your own fault, nobody forces you to overeat, our maternity unit had to fork out for reinforced beds to cope with extra weight of obese mothers it's a tad worrying. We are in the middle of an obesity epidemic, you can't walk down the street without seeing women who are grossly overweight with small children, what's funny is you all tend to blame other people or circumstances same as drug addicts. There is no excuse for you to be overweight at all it's disgusting and it does cause complications whilst pregnant and it is a doctors job to point that out. Maybe some of you got lucky but there are a vast majority of overweight mothers who didn't. I guess of you want to risk a heart attack and a host of other problems be my guest i just don't see why the nhs should clean up after you any more than they should treat smokers or drug addicts it's self inflicted after all.

(btw it was going to babyonboard however mumsnet wouldn't let me have that because it was already taken, i am perfectly capable of spelling)

BabyonBORD.......you are a delight!

That is a dangerous line of argument Babyonbord. Either we have a free health care service or we don't. I am not sure that there should be the type of moral judgement you are displaying about who gets treatment. What about if we continue it further - how about refusing someone who has a motorcycle or snowboard/skiing accident treatment on the NHS because they were involved in what could be perceived as a dangerous or risky activity of their own free will? What about if someone was driving when they were overly tired and had an accident. Should they be refused treatment also? Where does the line stop, and who makes the decision? Things are unfortunately not as clear cut and simple as you would like to believe.

To all: 'babyonboard' is one narrow minded opinionated person, please read the comments she has made on my problem '1:25 chance of having a downs baby'. take what she has to say with a pinch of salt, she is not worth it.

Babyonbord I suggest you learn punctuation etc though. And just because someone is overweight or obese it doesn't mean they are going to need a reinforced bed. There's a middle ground between 'normal' BMI and bed-breakingly obese.

And now I shall not engage further because you're not worth it. You are vindictive in the extreme.

babyonbord you are a disgusting horrible excuse for a human being, i have read your comments on this thread and on kh0609's thread and even the thought of someone like you makes my skin crawl! You believe that the only opinion that matters is your own, and any one with a different opinion is clearly wrong!! Who do you think you are? the frekkin queen? you are no one and quite frankly no one on this whole website likes you or wants to listen to your ridiculous opinion!! The people I feel the most sympathy for are your children! Imagine being brought up by such a horrible person such as yourself!! Do they even have a chance to grow up to be good people with good morals? You gloat about money, you think you are better then everyone on here!! Your husband had to buy you a bloody car because your having his baby? In my book that's disgusting, most women have babies because they want to be a mother not because what reward they will get! both kh0609 and Lulu57 have come on MN for a bit of help and advise and all you seem to do is hurt and upset them! the only person here that should be ashamed of them self here is YOU!!

Personally, I think babyonbord is not real - so we should treat any opinions given as deliberately antagonistic, on the part of some weird journo/writer/someone mean who is masquerading as a mumsnetter.
It just seems too coincidental that s/he has been deliberately antagonistic on both threads.