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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Ok how do you handle your parnters family? sorry long one

28 replies

Dunnyjo · 17/11/2005 11:32

Ok when i was in labour with my son it was a big rush to the hospital already 7cm dialted all going well on gas and air untill i had my sister in law on the hospital phone talking my husbands ear off begging to be let in to be there when the baby is borne. Legs apart in agoney with him stood beside me having a bloody conversation on the phone with her. She even had the cheek to beg the midwife! Who quite blatently said no. But she was out side the hospital with a flask of tea and sandwiches! Talk about being in your face!
Well all was not well my son was breeched and it was pandimoioum to rush me to the hospital at 9cm! I was scared and did not understand what was heppening. Gets out side being put into the ambulance and what audience i had! His siter, husband, daughter, father, mum andstep dad! all these faces looking at me and asking if i was alreight????
Any way at hospital ahd to have c-section, brought down to ward all numb from what happened and every one and i mean every one came in one by one all his family then mine. It was too much for me to cope i was trying to get myself together let alone have a good look at my baby.

Anyway gets home, third day after having my son (very emotional!) his sister decides to pop up arrives at 11am and does not leve till 6pm that evening and all day i kept going into the bathroom crying my eyes out just sick of feeling as if i was being taken over. I am pregnant with the second now, only three months and already i am dreading it!
I dont mind if people want to see the baby but only when i am ready and get myself together you know? Your dignaty sort of goes after birth and by god did it take me a while to get over the whole ordeal.
How do i deal with it this time? lol

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

QueenEagle · 17/11/2005 11:35

You need to talk to your dh and firmly tell him what you want to happen with regards to visitors, his family included.

When it comes to it, you must say No and mean it. You need your rest, you need to bond with your baby and your dh should be backing you all the way on it.

hunkermunker · 17/11/2005 11:36

What a nightmare.

I would tell your DH that you don't mind telling his family to back off, but it'll probably be better coming from him

piffle · 17/11/2005 11:39

I agree with getting your dh to deal with his family for you, you tell him what is ok for you with regards to visitation
For examlpe when I had dd, my DP rung mil and fil who lived 150 miles away. I had dd at 6.30am, was home by 10.30am, they arived at 12pm, brought full M+S lunch and presents with champers, we all had lunch they had a cuddle, then they drove home again at 4pm, to leave us be.
I love my in laws as much as my own mum and family.
But the kind of interfernce you got at them needing to be so involved!!!

expatinscotland · 17/11/2005 11:42

My mum and dad are coming from abroad on the 19th of December. I'm due 20 December. BUT, they're renting a flat down the road - as they'll be here for a month - AND, they spoiled the hell out of both of us when DD was born.

We missed 'em when they left. They did EVERYTHING around the house, took DD overnight, took DD whenever we wanted and sent us off to go out. They even put us up in a hotel down the road overnight w/a nice brunch the next day.

I felt a million bucks!

I wish they stayed here all the time. They live near my sister and they've been such a help w/her kids, now 11 and 8.

If I had ILs like yours, though, I wouldn't hesitate to tell them you need space.

starlover · 17/11/2005 11:45

just wanted to say i agree with the others... if you can't speak to them yourself then get your DH to do it.

let them know that once the baby is born you are having a week at home BY YOURSELVES. if anyone wants to see the baby it is by appointment only.... make sure your dh is there and make sure he knows how you feel. he can tell them to sling their hook if they look like they are going to stay all day.

put a sign on the front door saying DO NOT DISTURB and just don't answer it!

Gobbledigook · 17/11/2005 11:47

Tell them straight up, right now, how it's going to be. Please do not put up with this again, it's ridiculous!

Original poster

Dunnyjo · 17/11/2005 11:48

I would have loved it if she was like that but she just sits there expecting dh to feed her coffe all day, go to the shop (al we had no food in) and do lunch. I could not move around a great deal but she is so lazy likes to be in your business. Spent most the day in and out for a cig and totally in my way. I know i should just say but we did not expect it to have been like that. His parents weher great they just want to be involved . My parents came for a short while and knew i needed the space.
The mid wife turned up taht day and even said you need the space she took no hint. Went to the bedroom to look over my son and she followed us up the satirs! I said you wait down stairs we will be down soon! god! I can see us having an argument in the near future!

OP posts:

spidermama · 17/11/2005 11:49

Limit visits to one hour. Stay in bed. I know it's hard because you're at your most vulnerable, but you have to tell them you're tired and need time alone now. You also get your dh to take resposibility for protecting you against this.

I know how you feel and completely understand you having to go to the loo just to cry because you felt invaded.

Good luck. It's great you're planning ahead and trying to prevent this from happening good and early.

Original poster

Dunnyjo · 17/11/2005 11:50

lol i think i will do that just dont answer the door and turn the phone off! God i get angry with her now just thinking about it!

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 17/11/2005 11:52

I would NOT answer the door or the phone. And the suggestion of putting a note on the saying, 'Sorry, new family at rest' is a good one.

Nothing can be more rude than expecting someone who's just given birth and has a newborn baby to care for to wait on them. At all.

Eaney · 17/11/2005 12:13

IS it comimg from a good place? Do they mean well but haven't a clue. Have to admit I felt a bit jealous. I was in hosp for 7 days and had 2 visits and DP's Mum has not visited once since we came home 9 mths later. My bother didn't see my DS until he was 5.5years (yes years) and DP's family would never see their children if we didn't visit them.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say but if it is coming from a good place maybe they would be understanding if your DH were to have a word with them. Also get them do do a few jobs around the house.

Original poster

Dunnyjo · 17/11/2005 12:38

Yeah maybe. Though since i have had him she is not happy because she does not see him alot. But when i do take him round it is not really good enough becuase she is not with him on her own. I dont trust her with him because she is happy to smoke all over him hug him and carry him like he is a doll. Well thats how she was when he was just borne (not the smoking bit) She never makes a point of coming to see him if she does he is in bed. (night time) I just dont understand her!

OP posts:

ChaCha · 17/11/2005 13:36

Gosh, this whole family scenario has been stressing me since day one. Relatives can really take over can't they? You have to get your DH's support on this, he must back you and allow you to have your privacy.
I've just over a week to go and everyday the arrangements change. Both our parents live in different countries/cities so when they visit it turns into rather a long stay. I am trying to be positive and have told them that I'll need my privacy, they are welcome to stay but only if they are to help.
Wishing you all the best and congrats on your PG xx

hunkermunker · 17/11/2005 13:38

What did your DH say last time? Did he try to get through to his family? Was he aware how unhappy you were about it?

Original poster

Dunnyjo · 17/11/2005 16:13

When our son was borne, we were both numb? We were just taking each minute trying to get to grips with having our first baby and just went with the flow if tht makes sence. I just phoned him lol told him i am dreading it already. He told me to go and have a cup of tea and calm down that this time will NOT be like last time. He knows how i felt and feel. I just want have to be strong and tell her if she does try to invade. Even if she does fall out with us i dont care. The rest of the family are great though there normal lol! So me and dh will talk out what we want when the time comes and then tell her how it will be this time. If she does not listen then i will ignore the phone!

OP posts:

hunkermunker · 17/11/2005 16:15

Brilliant - glad to hear he's on the same wavelength. With his support it should be manageable. Good luck!

Tumblemum · 17/11/2005 16:16

I have an inlaw problem and dh is incapable of dealing and it caused a lot of problems between us. Now do not let this happen and I consequently deal with problems directly myslelf - though has not been easy but it gets better.
HTH

Normsnockers · 17/11/2005 16:53

Message withdrawn

moondog · 17/11/2005 16:57

Dunnyjo..second everything said here.
What appallingly insensitive people.
Completely beyond the pale.
Your dh must protect you this time.

Tortington · 17/11/2005 17:01

i know its hard to be straight with family - and although some suggestions below are essentially right - its about having the balls to do it.

if your essentially ball less as am i when it come to in laws - then i would threaten my dh with certain death should he tell anyone that i am in labour or given birth. until hours after the event. then i would threaten dh with a second more painful death unless he told his family that we were to be left alone for at least a week. tell you you dont care if he tells them aliens have took you - but hes got 6 months to think of something to keep them off your back for a week.

then tell him that when a week has gone by. he will take baby to his relatives and make " coo coo" visits. and at no point for at least a month do you want his family in your house or he will be the ball less one.

Passionflowerinapeartree · 17/11/2005 17:59

Custy, you and I are on the same wavelength. I was about to suggest just not telling them.

With DD2 my MIL booked a flight to come and visit over my due date. I can't bear the woman and the thought of her staying in our house with a new baby was too much. I made DH tell her to cancel the flight. She moaned about losing money for ages but she should have asked before booking.

Tortington · 18/11/2005 00:10

i gave birth to twins at 3pm and had visitors from 4 until 9 - and the midwives wouldnt let me put my ds2 in the nursery. so sleepless night too. missed the chance to a rest at visiting time. luckily am not going to have any more children but if i were i wouldnt tell anyone for a week!

Original poster

Dunnyjo · 18/11/2005 09:27

Its not just me then! God i thought i was just being silly but the thing is i dont have the balls to do it. But he will protect me this time. I was saying to him last night id rather he did not call anyone except for my mum and dad who i know would let me be and see me when i am good and ready. They already have 5 young grand children (my sisters kids) so they are used to situations like that. I think with my sister in law its just all new and well no i am going to stop the exscuses there lol!

OP posts:

Passionflowerinapeartree · 18/11/2005 12:51

You're deffo not being silly! Good luck and make sure everything is done how you want.

compo · 18/11/2005 13:00

Definitely ring AFTER you've had the baby and then they can't turn up before or during the birth. Tell them you don't want ANY visitors at hospital and will let them know when it is conveneint for them to coem and visit at home. Chick them out after an hour

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