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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

upset - did he spoil our surprise?

32 replies

misswolf · 12/05/2011 21:52

Have namechanged for this. Posted in parenting also. Wanted to say before I start, I do absolutely realise that a baby's health is absolutely the most important thing and that many people have to contend with far, far more difficult situations. I hope this doesn't offend anyone, and I know I should be grateful for what I have, but I could really use some support here...

Had my 20 week scan today. Have two sons already and, ok, if I'm honest, I would slightly prefer to have a girl this time. I adore my boys beyond words, and of course would adore another boy just as much, but I would like the experience of having both sons and a daughter if possible. I've never found out the gender of my babies at scans before, and I LOVE the surprise on the day. Since I've been pregnant with number 3, I've known that any girl 'preference' would evaporate as soon as I'm holding that child in my arms, boy or girl, I'll just be overjoyed that they have arrived happy and healthy...so yet another reason not to find out gender at scan.

I basically explained as much to sonographer at scan today, and he was very aware of that, telling me to 'look away' when he was in that region etc etc. He He seemed pretty jovial at the beginning of it, when he didn't know the sex, but then felt his mood sort of changed. Towards end of scan he said 'so...you DON'T want to know the sex?' I said no, as we'd already discussed quite extensively! Then he started saying 'well, you know - three kids are three kids. You are going to be happy whatever...' To me, his comments absolutely gave the game away that we are having a third boy!!

More than the slight disappointment of not having a girl, I feel totally gutted that the surprise element has been taken away from us. My DH and best friend think I am being crazy and that the surprise is still there and who knows what the hell he meant by his comments. I don't know if they are just trying to calm me down though - to me it seems so obvious. I would love to hear what you guys think, or any similar experiences you have had. Thanks so much in advance xxx

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LoopyLoopsBettyBoops · 12/05/2011 21:55

I would have thought that the first comment indicated you were having a girl, no?

rightontime · 12/05/2011 21:56

I think for him to be implying it was a boy he would have to know that your preference would be for a girl. If you had been desperately wanting a boy and he had made those comments you could equally think that you were having a girl.

I think you could be reading too much into it. You don't know for sure what he meant and so you do still have a surprise at the end.

supadupapupascupa · 12/05/2011 21:58

i didn't read that he meant boy at all. i think the surprise still stands

wigglesrock · 12/05/2011 22:00

I think the opposite, I think he was trying to suggest you were having a girl .

tiokiko · 12/05/2011 22:00

Agree with others, I don't think that's the implication at all - can understand how you could read that into it (as I over-analyse everything the sonographer says each time) but could have meant girl or boy or just general chitchat.

I think you absolutely still have your surprise - don't let this bug you too much for the next 20 weeks!

pooka · 12/05/2011 22:01

See, I think those comments make it sound as if it's a girl :)

Or a boy. :)

I don't know - seems pretty enigmatic to me. I think you're reading too much into it.

no1childminder · 12/05/2011 22:01

Hi, to be honest with you I didnt get, from what you wrote he said, that he was implying it was a boy. Dont worry about it :)

sleepybump · 12/05/2011 22:02

I would have guessed girl at his comment... he had no other reason to bring it up again
But then again, who knows!! He may have been working so intensively over the previous few hours that he actually had a fluff and forgot what you said...

still remains a mystery to me :)

SoupDragon · 12/05/2011 22:03

You're crazy :)

You still don't know what you are having so it will still be a surprise. I think he was just commenting on the fact that he understands why you don't want to know - you don't care as you just want three children.

Original poster

misswolf · 12/05/2011 22:08

Thank you all for your lovely and speedy replies! It's just that some words are exactly what I would say to anyone with a gender preference '..kids are kids' (as in, it's all about personalities, not gender) 'you will be happy whatever' (as in, you'll of course love your kids regardless). I had been really clear with him that I would like a girl in our family and I did NOT want to know, so it seems pretty odd that he would start saying all that stuff.

Also, his tone was in no way 'I'm going to tell you something that will make your day' when he asked yet again if we wanted to know the sex.

It's great that you think I still have a surprise though...I am holding onto that! Any more thoughts appreciated xx

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rightontime · 12/05/2011 22:22

He may well just have been acting like that as once he knows what the sex is than he would be trying not to accidently spill the beans. And if he had just clarified that you didn't want to know than he probably didn't think his comments would give you an indication one way or the other, otherwise he wouldn't and shouldn't have said them. If that makes sense.

Original poster

misswolf · 12/05/2011 22:28

I know what you mean rightontime, but surely, if it was indeed a girl, he would have been far more likely to say 'ok, that's the end of the scan' once I'd told him for the second time I didn't want to know, rather than starting to suggest that gender doesn't really matter? I don't know, perhaps it was just chitchat, but to me, that would exactly what I would say to someone who was facing being a bit disappointed...

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rightontime · 12/05/2011 22:43

Hmm. I don't think that you can ever really guess what is going through someones mind. My DH always thinks I mean one thing when I say another and he is usually wrong lol.

Nerves can do a funny thing to people and they can say stupid things. However I have heard that sonographers are not allowed to do or say anything that may give away the gender away if the parents don't wish to know.

Only he knows why he said what he did and you may spend the next few months convinced your expecting a boy only for it to be a girl. I would try and forget it and just enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.

Hope you get what you want in the end.

SoupDragon · 12/05/2011 22:44

I found out that DD was a girl having had two DSs. I didn't tell anyone what I was having but they knew I knew and were trying to find out. I remember making a remark about something and my meaning was just what I said, with no hidden hints or anything and I would have said it even if I was having a boy. ne friend pounced on it and declared that it proved i was having a girl. That was her interpretation of what I'd said and wasn't how I'd meant it at all. I hink the same applies to what the sonographer said to you.

You still don't know for certain.
Even if you do have a boy you still won't know if the sonographer let the cat out of the bag or whether it was an innocent remark.
Just relax and enjoy your surprise. It will still be a surprise and even if you do feel cheated, it is still a surprise to meet your baby for the first time. DDs birth was no less special for knowing what she was. I still didn't know who she was.

pooka · 12/05/2011 22:46

See I read it as him saying "so you really don't want to know" because he knows it's a girl - which is what you'd said you wanted.

Or it may be a boy

Either way - I really don't think that what you've said means he's given the game away. It's still up in the air as far as I can see. :)

captainbarnacle · 12/05/2011 23:00

Just sounds like general chit chat to me.

It will be a surprise :)

cowboylover · 13/05/2011 00:24

Yes I agree with captain, he may have picked up on your unease about finding out and it was some, if slightly misguided, general chit chat.

knackered76 · 13/05/2011 05:28

My friend didn't want to know with their 3rd. Half way through her 20 week scan the phrase changed from 'it' to 'he'. She was gutted as she didn't want to know and felt like she now did. Mentioned it to the midwife afterwards who said she could go and find out if the sonographer did know the sex or was just being general but they decided not to as that could also give the game away. 41+6 she gave birth to a girl !

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 13/05/2011 05:59

I didn't find out, and when DD was born she was whisked away to the resus table before I could see her. Several minutes passed and then the midwife came back to us (dr still finishing up with baby) and said something about 'he's fine, don't worry' and I gasped "it's a BOY?" because I was convinced it was a girl, and she blushed and said 'oh, no, sorry, I just always say he by default'. I sent DH over to find out for certain and report back. So even an explicit 'he' after the baby's born can be wrong; I don't think your sonographer's comments can be interpreted either way.

Leo4 · 13/05/2011 09:02

I don't want to know what sex my baby is..and I had a scan this week where I saw a consultant and after not explicitly scanning the genital area...he said I have a vgood idea of what the sex is! Now that says to me it is a boy as it is easier to detect....I feel like my surprise has been ruined! Now I keep calling my baby he....

Mizza76 · 13/05/2011 10:00

I think it sounds like he'd guessed you want a girl (as you already have two boys) and that he was teasing you by implying it was another boy.

Mizza76 · 13/05/2011 10:01

ie it's actually a girl but he was having some fun pretending it was a boy.

Original poster

misswolf · 13/05/2011 10:47

Thanks again all - some incredible stories here! I am so glad you think I can still hold onto it being a surprised...I remain a bit unconvinced as to me his tone and phrasing seemed very 'reassurance when you may be a bit disappointed.'

Thinking about it more, he also said 'quick, look away' when he scanned the area which makes me think there might have been a very obvious penis to be seen?! He DID say before the scan started he would ask me to look away, though - but still...

Leo4 - to give you some reassurance, I really wouldn't think that. I would reckon an experienced sonographer can tell the sex quickly, and they do have to be close to that area to measure the leg bones etc, so even if you thought he totally avoided the area, he would have seen somehow probably. While girls are less 'obvious' than boys, your baby could have very obviously NOT been a boy, if that makes sense.

Mizza76 - I'd been very clear with him that I did have a preference and I didn't want to know, so surely he wouldn't have been so cruel as to deliberately imply the opposite?! xxx

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brizzagirl · 13/05/2011 10:49

I'd be a bit annoyed too as it would have been better if he hadn't said anything! But I don't think you can be sure he's spoilt the surprise.. could be either by the sounds of it

Original poster

misswolf · 13/05/2011 10:56

I know! Asking again if I wanted to know the sex at the end was bad enough (because of course I would into that) but to then start rambling on suggesting gender is irrelevant was even more confusing. I wish he'd just said 'the scan is finished, baby is healthy, bye!'

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