Struggling to come to terms with unplanned pregnancy

[Scheherezadea]

Hi, first post on here.

I'm 17 weeks tomorrow, with a long-term very supporting and loving partner. I had to stop working when found out I was pregnant, and I've also had to put my horse out on loan.

So I'm stuck at home, feeling utterly and completely useless, a pointless waste of time & money. My partner is having to work to support both of us, he's got a good job with excellent prospects, but it's a lot of pressure for him. I can't help but feel he resents me, even though I know he probably doesn't. I'm not a good cook, but i try. I try to keep the house clean, but that's all I have now, all day every day - washing up, dusting, hoovering.

I've lost the one thing that keeps me smiling (apart from my partner!), I've lost my job. I was top of the class at school, went to an elite UK university, and now I'm a nothing, if anything I'm now holding him back - and he was meant for bigger better things than working and studying to keep me.

And to top it off I feel guilty for how resentful I feel towards my baby because of this. Termination is and was NEVER an option. But I don't want to hate the kid when it comes, and I'm worried I will. When people go on about how excited I must be, all i can manage is a smile and nod.

So sorry for the moaning first post, but I need to get this out!! I obviously can't tell any friends or family this, and it would kill my partner to hear it, though he knows I'm unhappy, btu trying hard for him.

Have you spoken to your GP or midwife about how you are feeling? could you do some voluntary work?

My baby wasn't planned either, my boss went ballistic and I ended up leaving. But I promise everything will be fine and you will love your baby.you will get a new job in time, and I bet you find it's been a blessing in disguise. Just take each day as it comes and you will get there.

I sent an email to the Youth Offending team for vountary work, but haven't heard anything back - where else can I find information on it?

Not spoken to GP or midwife, I don't think they could help could they? It's just me being stuck in a rubbishy situation, and needing to dig myself out!

As a recent graduate with limited employment experience, I'm pretty unemployable :( I just feel like a terrible waste of person.

hi. You don't say why you had to stop working, whether this was the nature of your job or health reasons but you have just undergone a whole bunch of massive life changing events along with mega hormones sloshing about. It's not at all suprising you are feeling a low.

I agree you should talk to MW but don't be afraid to talk to your friends. I've had some very down days (and some up days) and I'm now 25 weeks. It helps to talk it through and just to socialise.

I am not a horsey person but I am a doggy person and I would be very upset to have to part with my beloved dog for any reason so that must be very hard for you. Can you visit your horse? Does it work that way?

I think if you are at home all day doing boring old housework then you will feel crappy. It's losing a sense of place in the world. Believe me, I've worked from home long enough as freelancer, and when i don't have work in, it is easy to start feeling isolated. Think about joining some stuff or doing some excercise classes perhaps? Swimming is good I'm told (not much of a swimmer myself!)

I'm sure you won't hate your baby :) You sound like a high acheiving pair, so I bet you'll end up being one of these mum entrepreneurs or something! You are certainly not nothing, it's just your struggling with a loss of identity due to sudden change in circumstances. Give yourself a bit of time and be kind to yourself.

Sorry to ramble, i just identify with being at home alone without the work that makes you feel like you. I'm sure you'll get back on track and being a mum doesn't mean you dont' have to be you anymore IYSWIM.

Thanks!

My boyfriend (I'll call him 'C') had the idea of starting a business from home, but I don't have an idea, and I have NO business acumen :D every time I try to sell something on ebay it either doesn't sell, or I lose money! I've never successfuly sold a thing!

Unfortunately I don't live near any friends. We moved to this area in September last year because of C's job. All I have for communication is facebook with home and uni friends, my phone was stolen a few weeks ago so I can't even talk to anyone! (Sorry, just pure self-pity now).

I can visit my horse as often as I want, but I can't drive, so I have to wait until C can take me, and he's working full time, plus studying for professional exams. He says he will take me this weekend, but it's awkward as he technically belongs to this other girl now. I have a friends horse which I can ride as often as I want, but they are an hour and a half drive away.

I don't know what hobbies to get involved in... I don't like swimming either, and we're pretty poor atm. I live in the countryside and there's only a bus once an hour. I think there's a WI in the village, so I should try to find out about that.

Thanks for letting me have a moan, it feels better to just let it out
x

I think you need to get out and about and meet some people. Ask the midwife if she can put you in touch with some people. Or ask to help out in a local charity shop or school maybe?

Yes I know exactly how you feel even down to thehorse part!!! I already had 3 children, a boy and twin girls who when I found out I was pregnant again were 3 and the twins had just turned 2 but wasn't working this time (had to give that up with my son due to post natal depression and my working hours didn't fit in with OH). Found myself pregnant last year and due 3 weeks before my wedding that was booked and to top it all at the 12 week scan found out it was twins again so the wedding was cancelled and I end up with SPD which kicked in early so I couldn't even muck out my horse let alone work him which resulted in him getting bargy with my mum and nearly decking her a few times and I just knew then it couldn't continue and I had to sell him in October - mortified doesn't come close and I spent the whole pregnancy resenting the babies, thinking I shouldn't have carried on with it even though I couldn't have aborted them.

They are now 3 weeks old and I know I did the right thing, they are great, fab and I'm currently looking at them sleeping after a feed. I had PND after both other pregnancies and this time I've bonded with them straight away and loving it but it was only since they have arrived I have felt no resent. You will be able to get your horse back when you feel ready and start work again when you feel ready so you haven't given up everything - I will buy a new one but certainly not yet with 5 kids and the eldest has just turned 4!!

Moan away OP. Surely that's what mumsnet is for?!

On a more practical level, have you tried the mumsnet local boards? You may find people who live near you on there, also, many nct / nhs groups have 'bumps and babies' clubs so you don't have to wait until baby arrives for you to meet other new mums.

Sounds like your first attempt at volunteering hit a brick wall, but it would be a great way to meet people and occupy your time. have you tried www.do-it.org.uk/ or www.volunteering.org.uk/ Most areas also have a Volunteer Centre which lists local vacancies.

Really sorry you're going through this - hopefully MN will form an outlet? You never need to worry about boring people on here with your problems, and hope you will find support here and then don't feel like a downer to your DP and friends.

One thing that jumped out at me in your last post - maybe you could learn to drive? Then you would be getting a practical skill out of what feels like dead time to you, something which could help both you and your DP. I just read on another thread somewhere about a MNer who passed her test so pregnant she could barely reach the wheel, so being 17 weeks should make no difference.

I think Tyeperion's idea about learning to drive is a good one - at least then you wouldn't feel quite so isolated. Plus, it would give you something to concentrate your efforts on for a while.

The main thing that jumped out at me is that you're obviously a really hardworking, motivated kind of a person and it almost seems like you feel bored and unchallenged now. So my advice is do everything you can to get yourself out of the house - whether that be going to some kind of class, volunteering, anything which gets you out and about and meeting people. In my experience having too much time on your hands to think is the worst thing in the world if you're already feeling a bit low.

Plus, if you can manage to get youself out and about meeting people now it will be much easier to carry that on once you have the baby. I think a lot of new mothers can feel a bit isolated when they have their first baby - especially if they were proper workaholics before. My first is due in August and I'm already trying to think of ways that I'll be able to get out and meet some new people, everyone else I know will be at work so I dont want to be stuck at home all the time.

Might be worth doing a bit of googling to see where your nearest volunteers centre is. Even working in a charity shop. Anything which will get you out the house because it can be really easy to get stuck in a rut. I think sometimes you just have to be really determined to change what's bringing you down.

Really hope you work something out. Remember - things probably seem worse because on top of everything else you have to cope with, you have tonnes of hormones floating around as well. Chin up!! X

Some good suggestions here I think. If you are going to be living in the country, then learning to drive will be the best thing you ever do. You could give it a go and if it's not for you, well at least you'll have had a go and you can come back to it later on. Took me years to get around to finally passing due to moving from sussex to newcastle to worcestershire, all within about 2 years!

Also, MEGA IMPORTANT, get your stolen phone situation sorted asap!!!! You really really need to be able to talk to your friends if you can't see them :) If you have broadband but not a landline, then look at getting skype?!

Most of my friends are dotted around the country. Took me a long time to find friends when we moved here, as I was freelancing at home and didn't meet people. I think when baby arrives it'll be easier actually - Mum always says you meet people when you have a baby :) I found I met people when I got my dog just through walking him.

Hope you feel a bit brighter today. You were up very late btw (as was I! ) I feel a bit tired today which is silly of me as I now realise how much sleep I should be having. Make sure you are getting enough rest won't you? As if you're tired on top everything else, it won't help ;)

Take care xox

While I have no idea abut the horse thing I do have some ideas of what you're feeling towards your baby. I was on a working holiday visa bumming about the UK doing low paid mostly crap jobs, having fun, moving on when I felt like it and planning a trip to India on my way home (where I was going to get a decent job and pay off my travel debts). Than I met my now DH and fell pg right away.

It was one hell of a head fuck is all I can say! A brand new boyfriend (who I had thankfully known for a few months as friends), all my backpacking friends were of on holiday here and there and going to this music festival and climbing that mountain, while I was throwing up my dinner and wanting to sleep all day. It took me months (and a complete freak out) to get my head around the idea of being a mother.

It has not been an easy ride the last few years, but DS is now a happy healthy 3year old whom I love dearly and wouldn't be with out, Brand new boyfriend is now my wonderful Husband and DC2 is due in less than 6 weeks. Yes we're flat broke, yes there are days when I miss my so called freedom, but when I really stop and think about it I wouldn't change things for the world. I know I'll be able to get back to work in the future, but I've loved my time at home with DS and am looking forward to being at home with DC2 as well. I also know that in my prechildren days I may have had disposable income and the freedom to up and go whenever, but I didn't really have direction.

No one expects you to get used to the idea of an unplanned baby over night. It's a life changing event (hopefully for the better for you). Definately talk to your GP and MW and try to find any other local support groups. While pg with DS we ended up moving to a small country town where we knew no one and I felt so isolated and it wasn't until about a week before we left that I finally found out where the support was. Be pushy and don't let yourself be fobbed off. There is help out there and you deserve to have access to it.

I hope that it all works out for you. Remember you aren't alone and things will get better, slowly but surely.

Hi. Just wanted to stick my oar in too!! You're not nothing just because you are taking a (perhaps temporary) career break. And certainly not a waste of a person. But I can totally relate to how you are feeling (I was made redundant, and then a week later found out I was pregnant, so have been unable to get a new job).

Keep having a think about any potential new business ideas - it doesn't have to be about selling things. My new business idea came to me at about 3am one night, and I am (slowly!) persuing it so hopefully I can look at earning again when the baby is here (I'm currently 22 weeks). Is there anything related to your last job that you could do? Or perhaps to your uni course? I have a friend in a similar situation who has started writing a blog - is that something you might be interested in?

And I think the suggestion of learning to drive is a great one (although I appreciate that can be a bit pricey). Have you thought about learning to cook? Not in a "I'm now a housewife" way but to learn to make your (and your bf's!!) favourite meals? When you're feeling crappy, learning a new skill can really help boost your mood (as can eating yummy food!!). Maybe look at picking up some cookery books cheaply online?

Finally, regards relying on your bf... have you spoken to him about it? I had similar worries too (we have only been married 5 mins and all of a sudden I have gone from being the breadwinner to being on the dole and pregnant - great!!) and my DH has said that although we obviously have to be much more careful with money, he actually likes being the breadwinner and looking after his new family. (Although I have promised that I will be financially contributing at some point in the future - either through my business idea or through getting a job once baby is at an appropriate age).

xxx

Hello, how rotten for you. I would second learning to drive, and also can you write? You should write for half an hour a day, get your feelings on paper, get them out there. And part of that is making plans. You have education and intelligence and you should see this as a challenge and one that you can "do well" at, rather than a compromise and failure.

I think you will have problems when the baby comes "looking down" on the mum and baby groups and NCT, just because of the way you post and the way you seem to look down on yourself for being pregnant. It's a shift in perspective that takes some getting used to. At the same time because you are accustomed to a different kind of life, and didn't ask for this right now, you may feel it should be a doddle, it's only having a baby and everyone can do that. It means you will be more vulnerable to feeling very low and like a failure when small and normal things go wrong, sleeping, or teething, or colic, or whatever it may be.

The best thing you can do is think of it as a challenge of equal value to whatever you've done before, and take up the baton and run with it. (Myself, I think that done well it is the most valuable job in the world but that doesn't stop it being tedious and frustrating at times!)

Sorry - the pregnancy isn't rotten - it's rotten that you feel so low about it..

Hi Scheherezadea, firstly congratulations, however you feel now you are creating the most wonderful thing ever and your heart will be fit to burst with love for him/her one day.

As for now don't feel bad about resenting the baby a little, it has taken a lot from you and as yet isn't giving anything in return. My DS was an unplanned pregnancy and although DH and I were married, owned a house and in good jobs I didn't feel like I was ready for my life to be impacted in this way and was resentful that I hadn't done everything I wanted to do for me.

A few things which really helped me were:

• going on holiday at 20 weeks to have one last trip away just the two of us
• getting a doppler and listening to the baby every week
• thinking about how young I would be when it finally left home

These things might help you come to terms with the PG a bit more but as for doing stuff now I think voluntary work is a great idea, do you have a local charity shop?

Secondly this may sound a bit random but why don't you try blogging - I started this in January and its nice to be able to share your feelings / things happening with an anonymous front. In addition there are lots of free blogger events and product testing for pregnant / mum bloggers and they often pay for travel so you could get involved with things like that.

Here is mine - this is not meant to a pimping, honest (!) but I have some tickets to give away for the Baby Show in Birmingham and lots of others have free things like that too and all you have to do is enter.

You will not hate your baby, you may feel resentful at times and because its hard work at the beginning you might feel that way until they are slightly older but one day (think it was about 6 months for me) you will love your baby more than anything else in the world and be prepared to give up your life for it. Trust me!

I'm currently pg, and a lot of what you are feeling is exactly what I'm worrying about feeling once I go on maternity leave! It's a huge change in life, and I'm not sure that I'd have coped well if it was unplanned.

You are not nothing! You are having a short (enforced) career break, but in the grand scheme of things it's not such a long time to have off. There will be loads of ways for you to get back into work and a career once the baby is here. And your partner still can achieve all the bigger things even while supporting you and the baby - they're not mutually exclusive :)

At 17 weeks, you still have 4-5 months to go at home before the baby, so in your position I'd be looking at finding something to fill my time. Whether that's volunteering, learning something new, or taking up a hobby. You sound intelligent and motivated, just going through a bad patch, which is completely different from unemployable and a waste of a person. Sounds like your partner is supportive too, so maybe sit down with him and seriously discuss the business idea? It may not come to anything, but don't rule it out just because you think you have no business acumen.

Can I ask why you had to stop working when you got pregnant? and why you couldn't get another job of some description?

Learning to drive would be the best thing you could do considering you are living in the country. You'll need to get about when you have the baby and you can't always wait for C to be around. Plus it will definitely fill your time productively.

Hope you start to feel better soon. xx

Wow, so many replies, thanks!! MN is amazing :)

I'm going to have another couple of read throughs and thinks before I reply, but wanted you all to know I really appreciate your thoughtful words.

also, i haven't read what everyone has written, but i made a really good group of friends when i started my antenatal group. We still meet up regularly 2,5 years later! I also made sure i joined in lots of baby groups when my daughter arrived- breastfeeding group (sounds odd but really just a coffee group), baby yoga, baby ballet and mums and tots.

I also started volunteering with the girl guides and have met some great friends through that. I also did a course in working with teenagers which is a recognised qualification, with them. It really helped me get my new job working with the long term unemployed young people, which i really love.

I was 26 when I got pregnant and i was earning a huge salary, but i now realise it doesn't matter how much money you have that makes you happy but wether or not you feel fulfilled. You will get there!

also, have a look at the goodmoves jobsite- it often has really interesting part time jobs and voluntary positions. It doesn't cover everywhere in the uk though!

If you are really career focused, could you spend this time getting work experience/going to careers advice/doing a little training in the area you are keen on? In my area of work at least, that would make a big difference to making a graduate-level candidate stand out. It might also help you feel in control and as though you have a plan for later. If your OH can support you for now, you could try to turn that into a positive for your later career.

I sympathise - if I'd fallen pregnant in my early 20s I would have found it very hard because I put a lot of myself into a 'successful' identity from school and university. That has shifted for me a lot later in my life. I do think you might feel more in control if you spent some time still exploring career options though. Many mothers pursue careers, and that way, once you've had your baby, you might feel happier that you have choices a year down the line,

Wow, so many replies!

I have been applying for jobs, but nowhere seems keen to take on a 4 month pregnant woman with limited office experience.

I saw a peri natal psychiatrist yesterday after seeing my GP, who says to focus on getting my mood stable, and wants to start some medication then says they can help with groups and volunteer work etc. I've got the number for a psych midwife, I might give her a ring and ask about any groups to get involved in.

I've registered on the do-it website and sent off some applications, s othat's a start! I'd like to go into social work/social policy. There's no shops near me - it's a 25 minute bus ride to the nearest big town. DP has registered me on the insurance and I'm learning to drive with him, it's just the cost of lessons, he needs the car to get to work and we couldn't afford to run two cars. But it is definately something we both know I need. And my auntie says she will send me a free phone, but I've been waiting two weeks now! The cheapest one I can find is in tesco for £17, so if it's not arrived by next Monday I'll just go and buy one.

Where do I find out about NHS bumps & babies clubs? I live in Derbyshire, I guess that's another thing to ask the midwife about. Should I just call her? I'd feel a bit daft calling up and asking for details of any groups etc.

I've spoken to DP about it, and a bit more last night. He just keeps saying I need to find a hobby - which doesn't help! I am NOT a knitter, and cooking is too expensive (to be buying special ingredients, things that will go off etc - I just make do with what we have in the cupboards and plan a couple of cheap meals for the week. I can't afford to make anything special, or buy in ingredients. I know it sounds pathetic, but it's also the DP who refuses to buy cooking ingredients. He drives to the supermarket and buys the food, so he's in charge in that area)

I don't think I'll look down on anyone, we always planned to have kids, just when we had more income. DP earns too much for me to be eligible for any benefits, but not enough for it to count!

A doppler is a really good idea - how much are they, and where is best to get them from? I've not seen them when I've been baby browsing!

To be honest (and it's really embarassing to admit this) I've lost all my confidence now. The thought of going out to try and get a job now is terrifying. The reason I stopped working was because my MD dismissed me when he found out I was pregnant, and we have no legal comeback because he claimed I was in my probation period (although I had been there 6 months). I really, really don't want to fight it, and am tired of my family and people going on at me to - I've just lost all motivation and confidence. I hate my life right now, but I'm stuck in it.

Thanks for letting me moan! Am really, really grateful
x

Hi Scheherezadea,

Just wanted to add my sympathy. Like others who've posted above I'm feeling nervous about starting my mat leave as I've always been very busy working so I think it'll be a big adjustment. I'm trying to pre-empt it by finding out about things going on now.

I know it's not everyone's cup of tea but I've discovered that there are quite a few churches in my area which hold mid-week coffee mornings. I do go to church but I know people who go to the coffee mornings who don't and just use it as a way to meet people and socialise. Is there a church near you which might have some sort of mid-week get-together?

I'd also second the suggestion of learning to cook. Could you give C a list of ingredients to get when he's at the supermarket? Tell him it was his idea for you to get a new hobby and he'll be able to enjoy the results!! One of my friends gets the BBC Good Food magazine and cooks a new recipe from it once a week and I've bought some great cookery books from charity shops, not to mention all the recipes there are online. It would boost your confidence and I don't think my DP would complain if he started coming home to a lovely home cooked meal (or a delicious pudding!) in the evenings. Is there anything you've always wanted to be able to cook from scratch? (Probably best start off with something easy though!)

Good luck with it all.

Wow! So sorry that your boss got away with that! :( What a !

I understand you not wanting to fight it as it's a lot of stress (though you would have a strong case I'm sure. Don't think employment law actually recognises 'probationary' periods!)

Well done on registering for volunteer work. One thing a friend mentioned to me was the NCT (National Childbirth Trust). She volunteered with them when pregnant, made loads of friends and got first dibs on all the good stuff at the nearly new sales! They've got a really good website and will list classes in your area. Google them.

Did you get a big folder full of leaflets from your midwife at your booking appointment? I got some info about the local surestart/children's centres in there and they all run classes, but there really isn't a problem in ringing up the midwife and asking.

It is so sad that you have lost your confidence but glad you are getting some help. It is very hard to rely on your DP for all income and everything when you've been used to being independent. Whilst I understand financially him teaching you to drive, I think it's by gaining a bit of independence you will feel more self-confident again.

You sound like you're in a position where you have to rely on him for money, and to go anywhere, and you say he does shopping too....well get shopping online, and get it delivered! Cooking doesn't need to be expensive at all. If you can cook, then you will SAVE money. Have a look at seeing if there is a veg box delivery scheme near you. We get one - have done since before I could drive. It's great. It's like Ready, Steady, Cook when it comes cos I have to think what to make with the veg that arrives! :) The internet is brill for free recipes too.

Keep posting on here and have a moan when you feel the need. I have found it so helpful to feel in touch with other Mums to be. It's my first one too and I'm at home on my own a lot, and don't live near family so it's good to get some support where ever you can.

Hugs! xox

Hello again. I also live in Derbyshire and I think you should definitely talk to the midwife about groups etc. Liking your plans.
Keep your chin up and just remember how lucky you are to have a beautiful new baby on its way! xx