Dealing with influx of relatives...

[spatchcock]

Hi all,

Am due to have my PFB at the beginning of July. DP has the summer off and I had (naively) envisaged a summer of the three of us bonding and lazing about in the sun.

Now I?ve discovered that DP?s parents (who live 300 miles away) and my parents (who live on the other side of the world) are all coming to us from about mid July for about six weeks, give or take.

Both sets of parents are great and there is not a psycho amongst them (although my mum and I rub each other up the wrong way sometimes). However, this means they will all be spending a LOT of time with us, some of them staying (on the living room floor and in the box room, not in our room as MIL requested!!). All of them can stay with other relatives but I know the main focus will be on our place.

I know everyone?s excited and I am honestly pleased this is the case. I also know they will be happy to pitch in and help around the house etc which will be really welcome. But I am really used to having my own space and of course I have no idea how everything will go with the baby and am not comfortable with people there all the time watching me in our small flat.

I can?t be the first person this has happened to. I am not sure what I am asking for, your experiences of similar and possibly some advice on how to maintain my sanity!

In case you hadn?t guessed, this will be the first grandchild on both sides...

Oops - sorry about formatting.

Marking my place to watch with interest, as I fully anticipate something similar happening to us a bit later this year!

I hope I will be strong enough to tell them to book their own separate accommodation. Six weeks is a very long time to stay with anyone IMO, even close relatives and even if your hosts haven't just had a baby, so I may research flats that let by the week in our area so I am prepared for any requests of this kind.

In similar position, first grandchild for both sets of grand parents who each live over 200 miles away. They have all agreed that they will stay in a local B&B for the time during which DH is home on paternity leave (up to two weeks). That's despite us having room to put them all up. We want to enjoy our first two weeks as a family without having to worry about looking after guests.

After that we will see how we feel, I think I will welcome the help during the day so may have them stay at our house but we are not making any promises!!

DH and you need to say that they can't stay with you so they need to make alternative arrangements with other relatives or go to a B&B/short term let.

You also need to make it clear that you will not be having visitors over every day as you will be recovering and establishing a routine with DC (you tell them this, you don't actually have to do it, although in my house sitting on my arse eating biscuits and drinking tea with the TV on and feeding DD WAS the routine we established) Perhaps agree that every Sunday you'll all go out for lunch somewhere, and they can come and visit a couple of mornings or afternoons a week each - leaving you time to yourselves.

When you've got a newborn you do NOT want to be tripping over people in the living room in the wee small hours, and you do not need an audience if you're trying to establish BF. Two days would be a bit much for a house full so early on - six WEEKS is bonkers.

If they still turn up every day, you can of course stick a sign on the door saying 'Mother and baby sleeping - please do not disturb' and then just not answer the door or phone if anyone comes

Agree with a lot of what you said, Flisspaps. BUT the problem with my folks is that they are coming from New Zealand. I see them once a year if I am lucky. They will hardly ever get to see their grandchild as it is and I feel awful about this (and so do they, though they've been good enough not to say).

So I would never, ever be able to put up a note on the door telling them to go away and feel I should make some compromises. Also, it's very expensive for them to come here and asking them to stay in a B&B beyond a few nights is unreasonable. My sister can put them up but she has housemates so that is limited.

ng1412 - I want this too! Luckily my folks aren't coming until three weeks after the baby's born, so we just have to try and deter the IL's for a bit. I suspect it's going to be a case of wild horses etc: I spoke to one of DP's relatives yesterday who said MIL is 'very, very, very, very excited.' I am glad but all those 'very's freaked me out a bit.

Spot on Flisspaps! I haven't even had my PFB yet but know there will be a distinct ruling that no one is stepping foot over the doorstep till we are all ready, me, OH & bambino. OH's family has already asked about visiting and have told them only once Health Visitor says ok, maybe a weak excuse, I don't know, but it gives me a 10 day settling in period at least. Oh's parents can visit, thats it. And I would not be 'entertaining' anyone at all!
Also, do both sets of parents expect to live together? With you guys? Oh gosh!! And what happens if you go overdue? They'll all arrive and be in the delivery suite with you??!! Sorry, dont mean to traumatise. But for your sanity leading up to the birth, let alone after, tell them they can stay elsewhere.
Big hugs from a big belly x

:( This is going to be really difficult but I will have to tell them (at least the ILs who are coming first/directly after the birth) they can't stay.

Confession time: I actually told ILs a small white lie about my due date and put it back by two weeks. So hopefully they are planning for that.

Nope. They can't stay with you. And wtf to your mil btw? Kicking you out of your own bedroom after the birth?!

Do you have siblings nearby who can put up your parents? You need space. You need to be able to say you've had enough, so you and bubs can retire to your room and get to know each other. It's you/dh/lo who are the priority relationship.

sorry to say but chances are that whatever your delivery you will still be feeling very sore and fragile for upto 6 weeks after, no state to be having people to stay

if you try to do too much you can bleed for longer and take ages to heal, if they live so far away it really doesn't matter how long after the birth they come

despite mothers & mil's obviously going through giving birth they still seem incapable of remembering that you need time to heal afterwards

If you do nothing else, you REALLY need to ensure they stay with other relatives. You do not want people barging into your bedroom in the middle of the night when the baby cries (I remember another thread where the poster's MIL did just that). Seriously, make that clear NOW.

You do not want people barging into your bedroom in the middle of the night when the baby cries (I remember another thread where the poster's MIL did just that).

Thanks for your replies. OK, I am putting my foot down about people coming to stay for the first month. I don't want people coming into my room in the middle of the night to watch me faff about with the baby, how ridiculous.

I have made it clear to all my family that the first few weeks I just want it to be me, OH & baby so we can bond, and after that they can come visit/stay but we will talk about it nearer the time. Same with friends. no way will anyone be staying with us! and neither would they expect to.

You may also go overdue, so you could have them all arriving straight after you have given birth. I personally felt like I had been run over by a bus after my DD was born and it took 6 weeks to recover from this and establish breastfeeding. You may have a nice quick birth without interventions, but then again, you may not. Your hormones could be all over the place and you really should consider the time to get to know your new baby and family without interupptions.
If your parents have not yet booked flights it might make more sense for them to come around christmas, then you will be all recovered and baby will be bigger so you can all enjoy the time more!

You have nothing to feel awful about.

Limiting the time that the GPs are round will mean that you are more relaxed, less tired and that means that the time you spend together will be more pleasant - especially as you say yourself that you and your mum can rub each other up the wrong way.

It's far better that you all have a few pleasant days with each other, enjoying your baby together, than six weeks of feeling harrassed, crowded and 'on show', and feeling thoroughly bloody miserable counting down the days until they all bugger off home back to the other side of the world. It's not like they'll never see the baby, Skype is a wonderful thing.

Oh, and get some nice pyjamas - make sure you stay in them when they're all visiting, rather than getting dressed and pretending that you've really not just given birth. If you're dressed and 'look' normal, people forget you're recovering.

"It's not like they'll never see the baby, Skype is a wonderful thing."

Skype is absolutely not the same thing as interacting with people! I have lived in a different country from my parents for over a decade and technology is really no substitute for sharing a cup of tea or going for a walk together - or dandling your grandchild on your knee.

I am certainly not going to live in pyjamas for six weeks either! My parents/in laws aren't so daft they don't understand about recovery time. They are lovely people and will help me without question. It's just a personal space issue and DP and I will deal with that by not letting anyone stay for the first two weeks minimum.

My mum is coming from Canada 4 weeks after my EDD (2 weeks after my +10 if I am overdue) so I can sympathise with having to compromise due o overseas family. It was a tough one to negotiate because she wanted to buy an advance ticket, but I couldn't possibly guess when she'd arrive & was clear that we want the first two weeks on our own.

She'll be on her own though & will stay for 2 weeks, plus has made it crystal clear that she wants to help, not interfere. There is no way I could handle 6 weeks - in fact I told my sister "no" as she wanted to come the week after my mum leaves.

Your MIL may be excited but she has no right to announce she's coming! Be firm & work out something you can handle.

Hi nomoreheels - glad to see someone in the same boat and I hear you about the advance tickets.

I should've said in my OP but I was trying to keep things simple: my parents are each coming for three weeks, but separately (they are married but they work together and can't get the time off together!). So technically they are coming for six weeks, if you see what I mean.

My mum will also muck in and also knows how to make herself scarce if I am having a bad day or whatever. We don't always get along but we do understand each other.

Do you get along well? How are you dealing with ILs AND your mum?

Hi there
I'm trying to figure this particular minefield out as well (22+2 so got a while yet!) and am especially influenced by a recent family birth.
I've been flamed before for my opinion in this story, but here goes...
My brother and his wife had the first grandchild (for both families) last year. They made some noises beforehand about not wanting visitors for the first few weeks but nothing concrete. Anyway, baby came along - no announcement from parents. I found out through my dad, not even a text message (and I'd had a middle of night text from someone I barely knew with her new arrival announcement a couple of weeks previously!). No contact from brother for a week or so and heard no one was allowed to see the baby for 2weeks or so. Except her family who had popped over...
This caused quite a bit of upset in our family, mainly as our mum lives in Spain and in order to visit she would need to stay one night (was expensive enough to get flights at short notice). But was told no. When I eventually spoke to my brother it was with a lot of hurt feelings pent up and it didn't go well.

Things are fine now, although we still agree to disagree on their actions. My main objection was it felt like we weren't allowed to rejoice in the baby's arrival (and now they complain about people not visiting often...) like it was some kind of secret. I do appreciate new families need bonding time, but don't see how a short visit is catastrophic for this after the first few days. I also appreciate I don't know how I'll feel yet...

It sounds like you're really trying to accommodate your family's feelings in all this - and I think a new baby is an event for the whole family to be happy about. No advice really, just wanted to say it's nice to hear compromise being considered.
As for my situation, I've told mum that we'll prob want a few days to get used to things, then she's welcome to visit for couple of days. Luckily for us, the ILs live a fair distance away and don't like travelling :)

Misty - That was a strange thing for your brother to do and I'm not surprised a few feelings were hurt. You must've all been bewildered. Were there any complications involved in the birth, is that why they didn't get in touch do you think?

And what do you think you will do when your baby comes along?

Personally I love my ILs and my parents and love that they are happy and excited about my coming baby. I know they will respect my feelings when I tell them they can't stay from X to X date, or that I need this day and that day to myself. This is such a happy time for them and I am sure we will reach a compromise without having to resort to notes on the door or hardline tactics.

Congratulations, by the way!

Oh sorry - just seen that you will tell your mum when she can visit etc. I'm sure she will be grateful for anything after the experience she had with your brother!

Thanks Spatchcock - it's nice to hear I wasn't being a selfish cow! No, no complications, in fact it was a home water birth and they are now evangilisitic about having one! I do want one incidentally but tried to keep it from my brother.... ;)

It certainly does sound like mum will be grateful for anything :) I also think it's maybe different with a daughter rather than a daughter-in-law?
Now my dad's wife....that's a whole other story ;) she can stay away as long as I like! This baby will have 8 grandparents altogether!

Well, that's me told!

I'm glad that you know that your parents and ILs will understand that you need some time out, but that wasn't the impression I got from your OP or subsequent posts. I gave some suggested ideas that I picked up from other MNers on other threads on how to deal with excited ILs/parents as you'd asked for advice in your OP.